I am not horrible! - triggers possible maybe? (I saw that on another post and thought it was very smart)

I wish my brain would stop bloody telling me that everything that happens in every life in any way connected with mine is my fault. That I deserve to have no friends, no partner, no 'normal' life. Just stop it. It's not true and it's not fair.

(But would it be happening if it wasn't true? Isn't life "just not fair"? Shouldn't I be able to just get over it? Aren't I clearly doing something wrong that I can't? Why can't I just let things go? Why don't more people want me in thier life? Why do I always snap at people, talk too much, talk too little, say the wrong thing, explain things unclearly? The world would be better off without me in it. Oh don't be such a fucking drama queen. Besides, thinking that way is just selfish. Hey guess what, I'm fucking selfish too!)

I AM NOT HORRIBLE. I don't bloody deserve this. This is not right. I want it to stop.

And even that's not true! I do do horrible things. I'm impatient, I'm snappy, I get cross at people, I take advantage of men, I get obsessive, I nag, I leech emotional support, I get drunk and silly, I lie to make myself look better, I'm a moral coward, I want to die, I send bitchy emails, um, I'm sure there's more. There must be. Why would I be feeling this terrible if that was all?

Aw Anita,
I gotta say, that the heading you chose for your initial post starting this Thread, suggests that perhaps you're not quite as uncaring of the sensibilities of others, as ya paint yaself. Thanks so much for thinking of others who might read your words. That is the sorta thing a good person does, so there!

Those questions and comments you give voice to here, are sadly, all too common - and no, we DON'T deserve mental illness, any more than we deserve any other illness.

And like a lot of illnesses, it can be held at bay and fought off, tho sometimes the fight drags on a bit and ya can't wait to hear the Bell Ring so ya can stagger back to ya corner 'n regroup.

Shees hon, Life doesn't need to be harsh on you, you do a fine to excellent job of it yaself. Why?

Paddy.

I don't know why. There's just the constant low hum in the back of my head that in the depression months becomes very a loud roaring.

My friend Rhi and I say to one another that "if someone else was talking to you the way that you are talking to yourself, you would have told them to bugger off by now". It just feels so much harder to tell my own mind to bugger off :/

That boxing metaphor is awesome - today is a where's my spit bucket?! day

.

wowinnz wrote:had to laugh Anita.. your first post here had me thinking we must have been separated at birth.. you described me to a tee.

Hang in there hun... and keep posting, we are all experts at beating ourselves up. I figure with enough discussion,together we can be experts at lifting ourselves up too.

Big hugs.
Dj

do you have any experience at using CBT to turn those thoughts off? I am about to embark on a new therapist who does the cbt thing, but I don't want to waste any of my (6 free) appointments on something that won't take. And these thoughts have been a part of me for so long that I can't somehow imagine that I will be able to - control them? Change them? I'm not even sure what the right way to think about that is.

Paddy has a point though. Why say those things to ourselves?

And god, I'm sorry. Thank you

Bit after the fact I know, but thank you, and you Paddy, for hearing what I'm saying and not telling me to stop being silly (why do people do that?)

I'm still not horrible. And I won't be tomorrow either.

Quite right, too, Anita.

I've checked my TBBD Master Diary and you're not down as even being really grouchy till 11 May 2010 and ya don't make 'bitchy' until near the end of November.

Oh, and 22 June - stay in bed hon, its gunna be a cold, miserable wet day.

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Thanks Wowinnz.

I live alone, maybe I should stick post-it notes with positive messages on them all over my house

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Anita you are not horrible, you know your not.

You are a unique funny witty kind and generous woman.

Tell yourself that because its true.

I try to remember to tell myself that too while I sit in my manky pyjamas and wait for something nice to happen.

I don't deserve this torment. Paddy's right none of us do.


My best wishes to you and hope that you will with me, recover from this and be another invader at Paddys Christmas do.

We are having a barbie at his local park. Martine (he hasn't said yes yet he'll prolly emigrate to outer Mongolia)

Thanks Martine. It's been a very long 3 months!

I think that today I will do something nice for myself. My mother bought me a slowcooker the other day (slowcookers, now with extra added guilt!) so I might try a recipe.

Maybe you could do something nice for yourself today too?

Anita Today I went to the psychiatrist in desperation.

I tried to tell him it was like having your skin flayed off and the pain is physical as well as mental.

So he started me on lithium and another antidepressant.

I also went for a job interview and the main one on the panel said "you'll never fit in here" you speak too plainly and that would never do.

I am bewildered I don't know what she meant still don't I didn't swear at her or anything and thought I was doing ok actually answering all the questions right. Life is a bitch sometimes but I assume this will pass as the constipated man said while sitting on the lav.

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Martine wrote:Anita Today I went to the psychiatrist in desperation.

I tried to tell him it was like having your skin flayed off and the pain is physical as well as mental.

So he started me on lithium and another antidepressant.

I also went for a job interview and the main one on the panel said "you'll never fit in here" you speak too plainly and that would never do.

I am bewildered I don't know what she meant still don't I didn't swear at her or anything and thought I was doing ok actually answering all the questions right. Life is a bitch sometimes but I assume this will pass as the constipated man said while sitting on the lav.

That does sound like a really weird thing for an interviewer to say - maybe she was figuring that two outspoken people could never work well together, like Wowinnz said. If you felt up to it you could contact them for an explanation or some clarification of that feedback? It might make you feel less worried if you can get to what she means.

I'm glad that your dr changed your meds, and I hope the adjustment doesn't take too much out of you. Give yourself time with this one.

Thanks it was a pretty weird thing to say but since I am the one on the pills it takes a while to start believing in me and not what she meant.

I don't know what to do or where to turn, the psychiatrist said she probably spotted that I was depressed (unwell as he put it).

Can ya get on a aeroplane and come up to Palmy, Martine ya old hag?

You are Welcome to crash here at my place for a few days respite; I bags the Couch. And I ain't cooking. I'll happily do the dishes, but I aint cooking. You will be Grateful for that, trust me.

We could have a good old natter about all sorts of things and ya can suss out the Xmas Holidays camping venue, sigh. And hey, Daze is not far away - just up the road and round the bend, as they say.

I'm serious, Martine. For a change, hon.

Partick.

Round the bend - round the bend ????? !! ........................ hmmmm

You'll keep, Mr Partick

Dear Partick and Daze

Thanks for the offer but I'd miss ma wee dugs.

The company would be terrible because I just sit greetin a' the time.

I cannae believe this is me after a' these years workin as a nurse noo nuthin.

Beggin the winz people who say its no like yer disabled ye havnae goat an amputation it's only depression.

If you're short of money, I'll shout you a fitted bra, so you can bring ya small dugs with ya. I won't look, Promise.

Nothing is too big or too little a problem, pffft.

And should perchance, you have any close canine friends, bring them too.

Partick

P.S. Daze - TBT made me type that. She laughed at the time and I still don't know why? I was merely refering to the route as shown on my Shell Road Maps - from here, ya go up the road, round the bend a few times and there one is. No longer Here, but There.

aye Partick ma dugs are withered as well.

Butthe canines are fine wee things.

I am going to start selling myself if anyone will have me.