blahhh...List of crap(inspired to do after reading another members post)

Mere.Kat wrote:i'll be there for you:]

AWWWWWWWH! thats so incredibly nice kate!!!!!
thankx billions (:

agh..im soooo incredibly scared that im going to end up in hospital soon if i try kill myslef again..im too scared to do anything cuz im too scared of hospital but what if it did work? then i would be incredibly happy..i fell like people seem to think that im doing fine atm but really unless im surounded by friends or with someone then im a compleat mess..im going back to how i was last year-self harming wise im starting to do 70-100 cuts in a sitting timejust over and over..this might sound weird but smoking makes me feel grounded like that my feet are on the ground and im alive when i dont smoke i just feel like i always do just kinda there but not..kinda like lifes a dream and nothing matters and nothings real..
i know that only i can be in control of my life-but i dont think i can be trusted with the responcibility of my own life..im scared of what im capable of im not scared cuz i dont want to die but im scared of what the effect will be on others, i have a 27 y/o friend whos 7 months pregnent who LOVES and cares about me sooooooo much and i know the stress i can put on her and i dont want her to be worryed of stressing about me..i have suicidal friends who if i do something will possible tip them over the edge and if i did ever suceed then ill end up like Mo n everyone will have to feel the pain that i & others went through...
im still having to deal with the whole forgeting im human thing n its fliping me out even more cuz now i feel confided to a little box with a label of 'attention seeking' carefully made by my very christian caregivers who do not believe in mental illnesses..so now even through im desprite to speak to someone fear keeps me from telling...

hey Olivia

I care about you and what happens, please take care of yourself and stop cutting.

You are right only you are in control but if you are like me you feel like you need people around. So you have started to take control by making sure this is the case.

Mo - was that mo that was here?

Keep your chin up ok?

is it just me or does it make others feel violated if you find out everyone in your house has been searching through pages that you've written on nemourous depression fourms? your personal written stuff not for their eyes and then you find out they read it all!
GOD i hate ppl that look through stuff they have no right to look through
-yeah it might be helpful but its NOT helpful when u have over the top christian one minded only there way is the right way caregivers..
I also found this other thing they said that i hang out with the wrong croud-they only think that cuz if its ristian ppl then they r evil..god dayum them...agh BREATH!

yep do remember to breathe...long slow deep breaths at that

ok...time for some honest self consideration I think...

you have said you are pissed off that your current 'christian' caregivers are getting rid of you...now consider the way they handle your depression...and seem to be the type of churchies that believe 'all you have to do is put yourself in the hands of the lord to be cured and saved'...now consider the possibility that the new set of caregivers will know how and what to do to help you, and if they did read your writtings would use them as a way to better understand your mindspace...which of course means you will be about to head somewhere far better for you

they have said you hang with the wrong crowd...consider if there is any truth to this...I am in no way saying that they are 'wrong'...but take time to make sure you are spending time with people who accept you for the beautiful caring person you are, the type who support each other and care what happens to those around them...and not people who are going to cause shit in your life

and lastly...I know you aren't to happy about ending up with a new mental health team...but you need to give the new ones a chance...consider the fact that they may be very well suited and you might well very glad to have them...you do need to talk with someone about the odd 'lost identity' feelings you are having...as in you not remembering you are human...although in my completely unprofessional opinion it sounds like it could well be a stress/anxiety reaction to what has been going on

and one question to finish...yep I can be a very long winded and some nosey old tart...what are you smoking?...answering this is totally optional

be kind to yourself hun

I second 100% what Britelite said. Trust a farmer to hit the nail right on the head.

Thankx britelite(: to answer your q. i smoke tobacco just the normal stuff i dont du the 'natural' stuff

hi there olivia,

How are you today?

Agh! atm im okay i guess..i keep saying im okay though when im not and i keep getting tol how proud ppl are of me that iv been "sooo happy" since the last time i came outa hospital and i am..kinda i keep planning things though(to end my life) i just plan and plan but not go through with it yet cuz 'i have to wait for the perfect time' and it seems theres no time like the present but with being told to wait and wait i just dont know how long and its driving me mad! I keep forgetting who i am and blah all that is STIL happerning and i dont know how to make it stop !! iv told my MH team and they put me on meds and so last week i took my first pill since i OD'ed and so i was proud of myself but even though its a low low dose i keep thinking its making me feel worse but then i think maybe its me thinking taht its making me worse when it isnt but i just think it does...which makes me even more confused and another think i keep getting labelled with more and more dignoses but it feels like theres just sooooo many and i dont believe one think anyone has said i have but then i just dont want to accept it cuz everything they've said 'i have' has been dignosed and thats why im still in tharpy to help me but AGH! idn im just rambling bout nothing well nothing importent cuz of course olivias fine cuz shes been doing soooo well and everyones proud cuz shes just so incredibly perfectly fine.


But im moving in few days n wednes..which'll be good i guess

Hi Olivia, I live in red beach which is just down the road from Whangaparaoa, so if you wanna catch up for a chat or to vent or something feel free to let me know, I don't mind

Hi guys, im n auzzy atm visting friend...its ok stop taking eds againg as i keep vomiting them up-not oon purpose just flash backs :S
im trying not to do anything even though i know i have a safety plan in place which last resort involved gatting put in hospital IN AUZZY and ppl think i wont do anything here and im trying like crazy not to but i badly want to i need to cut or burn or something i know i cant let myself do anything cuz it will stuff things up cuz if i even tryed something i wouldnt be aloud back here and all but AgH! i dont want to come bac to nz cuz thebn this whole hassle with my caregivers OH btw im moving AGAIN and i hate moving aroud i just know no one can cope with me honnestly i dont know how i could ever live 'normaly' or permently in a house for more then a few months..dw i get told often..now i dont even like to talk about..hiimj i just cant..too much..i cant worry ppl but i cant just pretend its becioming too much oh god dayum his