Once upon a time

One thing she did notice was that models were popular.

They were always on tv, always had attention, always seemed to be popular. They always had nice clothes and nice things.

They were Illusional, but she didn't care. She was to fat. At size 14 she was way to big and needed to be smaller to be popular.
Sooo she started watching her weight. She counted calories, limiting her calorie intake to 1000 calories a day.

She lost weight very quickly, within 6 months she lost 3 stone. From 12 stone to 9, dropping to a size 10 -11.

She was still fat. She was paronoid about fat, dilligently cutting away the fat in corned beef, steak, chicken - anywhere fat was she cut it out.

she wanted to impress - anyone who would notice.

over the next few months she managed to drop more weight and was weighing in at 5 stone. She was so proud of herself - being able to buy clothes from a child's shop at almost 16, if she wasn't counting calories she was running/skipping/cycling or swimming. Every waking moment she was doing something to lose weight.

But then,,,one day... she felt sick. she raced to the toilet, threw up and had the runs..and collapsed.

She didn't know how long she was out for.. but woke up with her dad trying to pick her up. but he couldn't, and dragged her out. He had a heart attack and ended up back in hospital and she went to the doctor,,

The doctor took some tests. Lots of them, and then he took some more.

She just slept, had no enerygy, and had become a little depressed. She cried all the time, she had no will, but wanted to live.

But she was not prepared for the test results....

The results took more than a week to arrive - in those days not much got done in a hurry like it is today - and she had hardly eaten for that week... she just didn't want to - all she wanted to do was to lose weight, in her eyes she was still fat. Now she was 4 and a half stone. She couldn't keep food down, not even water..she was sicker than she thought.

She looked in the mirror and others saw a skeleton with clothes, she saw someone who was carrying to much fat, someone who was lazy, as all she wanted to do was to sleep....

One day, her mother came home at lunchtime and approached her with her father. Her test results were back, and they came back pregnant.

WHAT????

WHAT THE???

She couldn't believe her ears!! NO she said...I haven't had the time to do THAT!! No No No!!

Hmmm off to the doctors she went once more. She had the tests re done. This time they came back pregnant AGAIN!

NO NO NO - She was angry, and craved for an omlete... she made herself a 12 egg omlete with a block of cheese grated in that. The reality was she craved protein.

Once more she went back to the doctor who was adament that the test results were correct. He took more tests - of the same - and, well they came back negative this time. Apparently the lab was not using sterile proceedures previously ...grrr..At the same time her mother was going through early menopause and thyroid problems. The lab stuffed up her test results as well.

What the doctor did diagnose her with was anorexia nervosa. As she was craving protein and eating 12 egg omletes once a day, the doctor didn't take it any further...perhaps if he had he might have saved her from alot of things. But it was a relatively new buzz medical term and perhaps he didn't know to much about it.

By and large after about a week, she could keep food down and by the time she was 16 she was back to a healthy 10 and a bit stone - around 62kg.

She still did not feel that she was good enough for anyone though.

Her sister came around to visit her mother. She was telling her mother that she was really enjoying sleeping naked and that mum should try it..she might have a more relaxed sleep. Her mother finally decided to give it a go - unbeknown to everyone else. The young girls room was right next door to her parents and in the old houses the walls were paper thin. But she was tired and was in bed asleep very early this night.

She woke up at around 1am to her mother dialing 111 on the phone... she normally woke to this as her father had so many problems heart wise. This time was different, mum was panicking. What's wrong? Her mother pointed to their bedroom. Beth ventured in but took is cautioulsy as there were funny noises coming from in there.

She got to the door and saw the enormity of the situation - wires were twisting and turning like and angry snake - belching out huge sparks. The wires were attached to a power pole which was firmly planted in the middle of her parents bed. Her dad clutching his chest was pointing to his drugs. She cautiously walked around the wires and gave him the bottle - she looked up and saw the hole in the ceiling...we later found that the pole had rotted and just feel - it just choose to fall on the night her mother decided to go to bed naked. According to her dad her 'stupid mother more interested in finding clothes than helping him'"

The fire brigade, ambulance and police turned up. A tow truck also turned up (thinking a car had hit the pole) which pulled the power pole out of the room after disconnecting the power to it.

Beth put on her dressing gown and made hot drinks. She went out to the two policemen to find out what they wanted - they were outside waiting for the ambulance to finish off with dad. Eventually she took out the drinks to them and lo and behold struck up a conversation with them. One of them asked her out and she was really 'chuffed' forgetting she was standing there in a nightie and dressing gown.. of course she said.

When she returned inside she found the ambulance people were leaving dad at home. He was ok phew. She smiled and her mum asked her what was making her happy. She told them about the policeman and her dad went balistic! "of course he wants to take you out - your standing out there on a cold night in your nightie!! No you are not going, and that is that" She didn't want to make her dad have another attack so went and told the policeman she couldn't go. Boy did she feel embarressed and non grown up....finally she started to feel noticed and now she felt crushed.

Beth withdrew into herself - didn't communicate, didn't understand and felt incredibly dumb.

She started to feel like she was just an object. A pawn in the overall plan. Expendable.

It wasn't until she was much older that she started to feel that her dad was just protecting her, after all at the time he was 66 and had grown up in different times to her - and even her mother who was only 46. Of course he wasn't as modern.

One day, on her normal daily run she saw a man broken down in the street opposite their house. She diverted her normal track to ask if she could help. No No, I'm fine he said...well if you need any help then please come and see me I'm from that house.

She returned home and hopped in the shower. When she stopped the shower and was towelling off she could hear her father yelling. Quickly she got dressed and saw her dad at the front door, walking stick in hand, raised up in the air.."I don't care if she said to call in, she's only 15 for god's sake, only 15!!! Now go away and go and pick up someone your own age".

So bitterly ashamed, Beth went to her room and listened to music.... then, she heard her dad in the kitchen.

While he was there, she decided enough is enough! Into her parents room she went, mind going screwball... she assessed what was in front of her.

Shall I take these ones? Or those ones? Or maybe these ones? What she had in front of her was her dads warfrin, her mothers pill (although she did not know what they were) and something else. She figured that if she took enough of all 3, that would be enough. Enough to kill her. Enough to make her parents happy? enough to take her out, enough to make her brother happy and allow her sister to take the limelight all of the time.

So she stuffed her mouth full of all three... and thought this is it. I should be gone soon, I hope.

She packed all the remaining pills and containers away so no one noticed and then returned to her room.

Waking several hours later, she was frothing slightly, and had a rotten guts ache. She was sick all over her bed and tried to get up but couldn't. Her mother went past and saw what had happened asking if she was alright. Beth replied, yeah, just think I have a tummy bug or something..

She felt she was worthless, and didn't know what to do. She couldn't talk to her mother; she had other stuff to deal with, she couldn't talk to her dad; he was too sick; her sister was always away, and her brother was to busy breaking the law and not getting caught.

She had no one and was so alone. Frightened and alone. She decided that when she attempts to take her life again, there would be no turning back....it would be final!

hugs

Her self esteem was very low for a few more months. After she turned 16 she was allowed to work in the dairy, which meant she could earn a bit of coinage to spend.

She was not entirely unhappy, nor was she entirely happy. Making shakes and packing groceries was not really something on her agenda as a life long ambition. She wanted to be a nurse.

One day, a rather good looking dark haired man walked into the dairy - she didn't take to much notice of him until he hung around and hung around.... and eventually asked her out...

After clearing the date with her dad she went out to the Mandaly with this fellow - oh how she was looking forward to it - all dressed up, high and high heels, dancing - the works.

Only to be dissappointed. All he talked about was his ingrown toenails..arrgh..

As they do, lol. Mylife, you are just amazing hun. I am in awe of you, such bravery

thanks Peter,

I did have some funny times too..but can't help but to focus sometimes on the not so nice.

Boy did she run away from that one.. every time he came into the dairy, she hid..she just vanished..then................

One day another man came in, he worked at the local mechanics workshop as - surprise!- a mechanic.

He came back, more and more...stuck around.. ordering thickshakes and pies, just only when she was there.

She found it difficult, dodging 'ingrown toe man' and making sure she was there for mechanic man... real difficult to do when they are both around!

Then eventually it happened - mechanic man finally asked her out..and she accepted. She took great pride in bumping into ingrown toe man and saying that she couldn't go out with him. He didn't appear to be to worried.

Thier first date, was movies and then dinner at Michaels resturant for dinner. He was a complete gentleman, and treated her like a princess...

At last, someone liked her for who she was.

She met his parents and he met hers. Everything went well and during the first year he asked her to marry her.

During that year lots of things happened. She had left school, was working as an office junior, then accepted into nursing school. She moved out of home and lived in the nursing quarters.

Her first experiance away from home. She quickly learnt that the nurses loved to hang out at the poenamo - a 'bar' not far from the hospital and navel base. Alot hung out there for the navel guys...

Her boyfriend treated her well, she didn't get along with his parents, he didn't with hers, and neither set of parents got on. But they thought that was ok.

There was one male nurse living in the quarters. Talk dark and handsome, she really liked this man... more than she liked her fiancee....Eventually, she was seated beside him in class. He put his hand on her knee under the desk and that was enough for her. He glanced over to her and she knew she blushed and fidgeted....dropping everything off her desk. No one had looked at her like that before and it made her nervous. He was clearly undressing her with his eyes, takingoff her nurses uniform bit by bit....

Her heart started to race and her legs went to jelly. All she knew was she wanted to stay with him.

There was more than one catch. He was getting married too, in 6 months, but that didn't stop them.

Ripping off each others clothes in her dorm (where males were not allowed ) she lay and waited... she knew what was going to happen, but it felt different.. not strained like with her fiance.

Anton looked at her and clearly liked what he saw...he approached her but before he became 'intimate' she was doused.

Ugghh! what was that!

Opps... oh dear...

Hmm need a shower now,... maybe next time... maybe we could shower together?

They snuck out, across the corridoor and found the only shower that had a solid door and cleaned up, and retired for a not so spontaneous oncore.

Getting him out of his dorm and into hers wasn't difficult. He lived downstairs in his own room but had to go upstairs to use the kitchen, bathroom and laundry so Anton was there all of the time.

They carried on everywhere they could - in the tunnels under the hospital and dorms, in the library - anywhere.

She was elated - finally some one who really cared for her. Someone who she trusted and someone she enjoyed being with.

But the reality was that he was getting married soon and started to set up 'house' with his fiancee. He would invite Beth over when his fiance, and eventually his wife was not there. She didn't understand why he did this to his wife, or why he married her at all... she just knew she couldn't do without him now.

Time went on and her own wedding plans were going ahead... she didn't want them to - not completely, she just didn't want her parents to be right ( they said that she was making a mistake, but signed the form anyway). Then one day....

She found Anton with someone else, in bed, someone not her and not his wife. Evidently he was 'doing the whole dorm' but..'she was the best'.

She graciously said ok, thanks but no thanks...but the reality was her insides were caving in. She secretly wanted them to be together, and the others out of thier lives. She was his dirty little secret along with the others,

During her nursing studies, she had to complete several areas of nursing - peadeatric, geratric, emergency, surgery to name a few.

When she was in pedeatric, she was nursing a small baby from fiji who had been flown into Princess Mary - the childrens ward which was over grown with cockroaches.

she was having problems trying to settle this child and decided to take his tempreture. In those days there was only one way to take a babies tempreture - a thermometer in the butt.

That was ok, she managed that - what she wasn't prepared for at 18 was the baby doing a black and deck power poo all over the floor, with the thermometer being expelled far eventually crashing on the floor... and the father saw it all. She also nursed another child that night who threw up all over her... yay! what a night.

But she did have a good time in all areas - loved the children, they were funny and kind. The gereatrics were fun too.

In the psychiatric gereatric ward there were alot of laughs - there was Betty the bitch - the lady whose husband cheated on her for a younger women. She used to point at the young girl nurses and say..

"Bitch, break a leg you bitch"

she ended up saying this to anyone who passed by. Until she met with another patient from the gereatric rehabilitation ward. This lady had two prosthesis on her legs - one on each leg and was visiting the ward Beth was in

She came in one day and the inevitable happened

"Bitch, break a leg you bitch" said Betty.

This women sat down, took off both legs and handed these to Betty. Betty went quiet and walked away and never said anything else ever again.

The nurses saw the humour in these events, after all if they didn't they would need to rehabilitate themselves.

She saw her first dead body in hospital as a nurse... she had to bath the body and get the lady ready for family viewing. Everytime she moved the lady the ladies eyes opened and remained open. In the end Beth talked to the ladies body and told her everything she was doing, after all she may have been dead, but she was not gone..

Later that week, Beth moved out of the nursing home into a flat in Mt Eden with Mr P - her fiance.

Independance was great but she really pined for Anton, and couldn't tell anyone.

Wedding plans were underway, and life was moving along, until one day a man in the geratric psycho ward had a fit and threw her against a wall - shattering her dreams of being a nurse -- but she didn't know that at the time.

She went to A & E and was told to go home. Going back to the ward to collect her things she saw a bell had been pressed for a patient she knew well. He was a diabetic patient who always thought he was in the middle of a paddock and needed to be 'checked back in'

She went into his room and saw this gentleman, thought 'what's the harm in taking him out again' so took the brakes off the bed and wheeled him all around the hospital for re checking him back into the hospital with the charge nurse, she found it fun as she could have fun with this chap and her imagination.

She reparked him in his room and told him he was ok now. Just as she left the room he rang his bell again...'nurse, nurse, I'm in the middle of a paddock" over she went, Now Mr x, you know we have just checked you into your room, you are ok. He gestured her over to him, and she went, he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her down forcefully "we are in the paddock, we are in the paddock, are you dumb or something!!"

Now incapacitated, she rang the bell several times. She couldn't get up. She couldn't move. All she could do is cry.

Part of the damage was temporary. She could move after a few days. She just now could not nurse.

Her fiance made sure she was comfortable at home and she looked for another job. Something she really, really didn't want to do.

Within a week, she managed a job Gilmours, but was labeled as lazy by the management as she didn't do alot of what was asked of her. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she just couldn't - so she lost her job within a year there.

In the meantime she married Mr P in a small ceremony and reception in the Domain wintergardens. The day was June 25 1983, and at just 18 she felt dispondant, worthless and lonely. Something she didn't think she would feel on her wedding day. Their parents argued all the time and upon her mothers insistance she wore a 'lady Di dress' with a bow and knee high skirt. She was not allowed the dress dreams were made of.

They had only been married a short while when they were over at a friends place watching Lorraine Downs win Ms Universe. When they came home the light switches wouldn't work in the flat - well the majority wouldnt - the bulbs had been taken out of the light sockets. There was one that worked and that was in the bedroom. When they turned that on they discovered that all they had in that room was thier bed, a few lightbulbs on the bed and one that had been taken apart and put back together with a substance inside it. They located a torch and looked around the flat. Nothing. The bastards had even stolen their months food, fridge and wedding cake top.

After a few hours the police came and finger printed the place, found the entry point and said the lightbulb was full of petrol and lux flakes. The felt the burglurs had been disturbed as they would have screwed it back in ready to explode when the light was turned on - mimicing a recent ironside programme.

What was worse was that all of their clothes had been stolen too - parents helped out with that and after a while insurance helped with the rest.

Later that year Beth saw some of thier clothes on a neighbours line but didn't want to face them, she wasn't ready for conflict.

Conflict found her.

Soon after finishing up at Gilmours, she secured a job at Southern cross healthcare, in their claims dept. She made friends there and often stayed for friday nite drinks - only a couple. They moved from Mt Eden to a flat in Greenbay and everything seemed to be going along just fine, until one night.

Her husband came home in a bad mood, grumpy and generally annoyed with the world. His dinner was not his liking and nothing settled him. He was agitated and angry in general.

Beth sat quitely watching TV and moved to the kitchen. An arguement started (over what she cannot remember) but she does remember being pushed over the sink and being strangled.

He was to strong. She couldn't fight. She was getting weak. His last words she remembers hearing were "you stupid bitch, don't argue with me, you do as I say"

Then she passed out.

She doesnt know how long it was before she came to. She had a black eye, marks around her throat, bruises around the inside top of her thighs and blood in her mouth. That she thinks was from her tongue. She thinks she bit it hard. She looked over and saw Mr P watching TV. Groggy, she got up, ouch, that was sore, ouch - that hurt. There was alot of blood on the floor, where her head was. It was cut - from what she doesnt' know.

"what are you doing"
"going to bed she muttered"
"your not going to work until the bruises have gone, I don't care what you tell them, the bruises are to heal up - no one is to know- if they do, well, you don't know what will happen"

She carried on into the bed room, and got changed. She looked in the mirror - her eye was awful, her throat looked like someone had tried to strangle her - well he had..she looked sad, and quietly sobbed. Why? why do men do this? why? She carefully got into bed and cried herself to sleep.

A few hours later she heard him come into the bedroom. She pretended to be asleep - hopefully he wouldn't disturb her. She still could not believe it. How would her life had been different if she had stuck with ingrown toenail man? She didn't cry, as she didn't want to wake him up. After a while she went to sleep.

hit me with your rhythm stick; hit me; hit me

Ian Drury's music pounded through the bedroom wall from the flat next door - it was 3 am. There was thumping "wow she thought, are they having outrageous sex or what?"

Don't go there said Mr P. Leave them to it. Lucky buggar getting his end away - hehehe at least she is consious!

Bastard she thought; rot in hell.

The next morning he went to work. He now had a job at Kirk Motors in New Lynn. He took their car, and left with parting words "don't do anything stupid, I'll track you down and get you - be warned".

she was home about a week, her eye swelling went down enough for her to camoflauge it and she wore skivvies to hide her throat. She couldn't stay away to long, questions would be asked.

She was too scared to leave. She kept to her self and let him satisfy him self whether or not she wanted him to. It was better this way than being forced - ripping and hurting all the way...

Then, a few weeks later; hit me with your rhythm stick; hit me; hit me - Ian Drury again at 2 am.

The next day was Saturday and Mr P had to go to work in the morning. It was then she saw her.

She was tall and blonde and hanging out washing. It was their neighbour. Ready to say something about the noise Beth walked down to the communal clothes line.

Hello she said - the lady turned around. Her face was black and blue. She had bandages around her hands, and Beth could see her ear was torn.

She looked sad. Upset, frightened. Would you like to come in for coffee she asked. Ok said Beth..

It turned out that when Ian Drury played she was getting beaten up. That was the thuds. Not sex. Not the headboard.

This time he came home drunk and took to her with a baseball bat. She could run fast and ran away, returning when he was not home. She warned Beth to stay inside tonight at she was getting the locks changed and he would be mad about that..

With a heavy heart, Beth listened to this womens story. She was a prostitute and her 'boyfriend' was a client she picked up and became friends with. This women was much worse than her.

Mr P came home and didn't find Beth at home - she saw him and told him she was next door and he came over. He was visably shaken with the level of 'damage' to this lady.. complete with the earring pulled through the ear.

Beth found this amusing he was upset, and he didn't touch her for several years after that.

A few months after seeing the neighbour (and after Beth became friends with her) Mr P was accepted into the airforce as an MP - something she was pleased of.. 3 months away from him while he trained in Blenheim.

She moved in with her parents on the outskirts of Auckland.

They were on a promise of an airforce house at his posting - but she didn't look forward to that.

Instead she looked forward to staying with her parents at the ripe of age of 20. She was delighted to find, that through retirement, her mother loved baking, cleaning and being a general housekeeper. When she left for work in the morning catching the 6am bus, she knew her bed would be made and dinner would be on the table when she returned at 7pm. She could relax, read a book if she wanted to, go for a walk, a swim at the local pools - she pretty much could do anything.

She took up a part time job at a local resturant and he mother would take her there and pick her up. She did have a car, an old car, but the motor blew up in it when she was moving her stuff to her parents house...

One night she couldn't sleep. Her room was next to her parents room and in these old houses, the walls were paper thin...oh gawd, what was she hearing? Her ears went red, her face went red too...she put the pillow over her head. Arrgghh... her father was 72 - she knew that!! thought it would stop functioning after a 'certain' age...come on hurry up...I want some sleep..........

The next day she couldn't look her parents in the eyes.

The day came around when she had to go to Blenheim to watch Mr P's passing out parade with the airforce. It was a lovely sunny day, hot and sunny, She was only there for a half day. They were assigned a 3 bedroom house in Hobsonville, right behind the hobsonville air force base.

Mr P graduated as a military policeman.

They moved into thier house a week or so later, a modest 3 bedroom house, with a sep toilet, bathroom, kitchen and dining room, and a small amount of grass. She made a vegie patch and every thing was almost peaches and cream again.

She met another man there - Glen who was also a military policeman. He became Mr P's best friend and close friend for Beth. Secretly she liked him, but never took it any further.

Mr P and Glen were on shift work - it was the nature of the beast really. Beth came home from work one day to find Mr P, Glen and a few other 'mates' watching a porno movie. They were all shouting and cheering the movies and didn't hear her come in. After she had been watching for a few minutes.,, she said, so how's everybodies days going?

It was hilarious - everyone grabbed a cushion and put it on thier lap...yeah yeah good, tough day really ..

She started to laugh - Ha! Tough ay?

Her 21st birthday arrived just after xmas. They had no money so decided to keep it simple - with a barbeque and drinks and dancing afterwards. Her parents turned up, her brother didn't, and her sister and brother in law turned up.

By now they had their first child, and he was around 8 months old. Beth always wondered why her parents idolised her older sister..she never did find out why. Her nephew was long and lean, born at 11 pounds 13 and 65 cm long, Beth had no concept of how big that was for a baby born naturally.

Her mother had made her a ceramic black panther. That was all she wanted.

Her family left early and they all partied until the early hours of the morning, and bodies were 'discovered' the next morning all over the house. What was also discovered was the fact that Mr P decided to take advantage of her while she was blotto. Flashes came to her the next week, the forcement, the hand over her mouth, the slapping to shut her up...

This was how it was to be for some time yet..she accepted that in the end.

((( Hugs MyLife ))) You have been through so much. It must feel so good for you to have it all out here huh? I really do believe this is sooo good for you.

Just thought I'd mention that I too have always felt that my parents loved my brother a lot more than they love me. I know it wasn't a major theme of your posts - but def something I can relate to.