Wizza's weird & wonderful world

I've been racking my brain for the past few weeks wonderin why things are looking up for me, i then just chose to accept and embrase my new found happiness and enjoy each day as it comes.

i guess the turning point for me, started at the end of last year with my suicide attempts & a mix of the new meds which have been agreeing with me thus far. I done alot of soul searching-if thats what its called??- what makes me tick?? what gets me down & how can i change it?? after hitting an absolute rock bottom i realised that things had to change-i terrified myself as to what i was cabable of-4 years of depression running my life and i just had enough. this was MY life and im in charge! not some mental illness-i'm stronger than that!

this didnt really take effect untill my i held my friends newborn- and it hit me- "Teena you could be DEAD! by your own hand! instead you're here enjoying this beautiful moment" i could've cried when it dawned on me....i would've missed so much..

i started living from that moment on..making an effort..family and friends comments have also been a large part of my getting better..they cannot believe the change in me and that im back to the cheeky chick i used to be my regular smiles and laughs are REAL and i must say, it feels so amazing!!

a few years ago,thanks to some very poor decision making,i hurt a handful of people and has been plauging me all these years..to stubborn to apologise...but in the last few weeks i have apologised to them people and made it very cler that they were decent people, that i was acting selfish etc...that was a huge weight off my shoulders- admitting that yes i was wrong and im sorry.

i think ive started to councel myself too, if in a situation thats getting out of hand i take myself out of the situation and wonder what advice i would give if it was someone else-im pretty good at giving advice but never follow my own i do now though, and sometimes it's hard but i know its something i have to do and i cant hide forever.

giving up weed was also a big turning point for me i think, im no longer moody and stessed and am sleeping so much better....and to think back then i thought it was doing me the world of good?!!

i have had a couple of slight down days, i applied for half a dozen jobs 2weeks back and didnt get any, that gets to me..but i can only keep trying i guess.

think thats enough 4 now...sleepy, im usuallly not up at this time-stupid farmtown on facebook is to blame 4 that one

ok whoops...i must have pressed new topic instead of new reply

Is it okay to reply in your journal space.

of course it is .....

I'm sick =( the 3rd flu in 2months and my body is taking a good beating from it this time.
I've been all over the place with my moods , i wont say i have been depressed , but flat, I say that because i can still smile and laugh but I'm not overly happy. I feel like im walking around in circles, i don't know what to do , or where to go in life.
I've considered moving towns, leaving the past and the shit behind and starting again just as a nobody, but i cant leave my family and i know that it wont fix things. but i still like to dream.

My latest annoyance is my weight, I know im not fat, but being tiny all my life, im not used to having extra weight, although in saying that i recently seen photos of me taken a year or so ago and i looked sick and horrible as a size 6-how is it possible to agree and disagree with yourself at the same time?? Im just confused about everything

i never bothered with the psycologist either, i didnt want to talk about it, i just want to suck it up and carry on.

I'll leave on a good note, on the 20th of this month ,dad turned the big 50!! after his brain anurysm, we were all so happy that we were able to spend the day together and went out for tea, thats all he wanted as he cannot handle big events etc since his brain surgery

Awww, hope you feel better soon hun.

*comes round with chicken soup*

wizza how are you today?

thankyou for the soup jaffakiwi.

im doing ok thanks my life although i think pms has a lot to answer for. id much rather be grumpy than down (which seems to be the case ever since i changed my meds-odd)

hmmm maybe worth mentioning to your doc?

Been a while, so i thought i had better update, Things are going pretty well at the moment, although lost a school friend to suicide just recently part of me is thinking that the deaths are coming again like xmas a few years back. (someone told me deaths come in 3's and since then ive noticed it to be true,whether thats my mind playing tricks on me im not sure)

Am still up and down but am taking each day as it comes, am tired a lot, but blood work has come back fine, so all i can put it down to is depression. and the wicked headaches i have been getting!!!

I have also had the dr convince me that i should try the councelling thing again, and i went last monday with an open mind and i think he really may help, he says he isnt happy with the last psychologist i went to as nothing was achieved etc. i am going back today, and am looking forward to it actually after a quick rundown he says that the two major issues are witnessing my dads anurysm and the guilt that i feel surrounding my suicide attempts a year ago, he's also going to help me with the anxiety issues too!!

fingers crossed

Good to hear from you Wizza.

Witnessing someones ill health i.e. your fathers anurysm can have long lasting ill effects espically if you have been close to someone.

Guilt is a hard thing to carry and needs to be addressed. It sucks the life out of someone.

Once you have addressed those issues maybe you will have a weight lifted off you and you will be able to fly.

I simply dont give a shit today, what a pathetic existence i live. I'm not sleeping and i feel completly "brain dead" shut up stupid brain!!

gonna go to bed and pretend i dont exist today...

Hi Wizza, my heart is with you honey, that is a truely awful feeling. Just know, somewhere inside that it WILL pass, hang on to that. Judy

ok, yesterdays outburst was somewhat semi-dramatic i apologize for that, things have just been a little "blah" lately.

I seem to have lost all concept of time and my days roll into one. I dont notice it though, it is only when people correct me (eg,i said i had done something 2days ago,when my mum said it was actually 5days ago??)
I'm finding my brain is very foggy and i am asking the stupidest questions all the time, i cant cannot for the life of me think logically!!

I slept all day yesterday and got up at some godly hour this morning, but am still so incredibly tired, my dreams have been somewhat night-marish , i find i'm waking up alot because of these dreams, (something that hasnt happened since being on citalapram 2 years ago)

I get annoyed easily at things and people who are high in volume, constant chatter about nothing drives me up the wall and find it so irritating that at times i wish i was deaf. when i cant handle it, i drown it out by my ipod and ignore all attempts at people trying to speak to me (I'm not sure if they know that though )

I'm triple check that I have taking my meds because i can never remember, and im asking every hour what the day and date is, in saying that, i have just realised i have missed my councelling appointment today "sigh"

I have no idea why this is happening, but hope it does pass quickly, because, to be perfectly honest, i can act like such a brat sometimes!! gosh the poor people who have to live with me!!

I also find the days roll into each other sometimes. Espically when I have no structured activities to do it is just so easy to lie in and sleep/doze all day.

Maybe there is a day program or drop in centre you can join to fill your days and give you some directed.

Yes plople who talk on high all the time and chatter about nothing are very frustrateing and sometimes I wish I had a shot gun. Drowning out the world with your ipod is a good isea.