Not a partner

Hi all.

I'm not a partner but just a friend of someone who I am sure is suffering from depression. She is in a bad way (cutting herself, talking suicide) but is resisting seeking professional help.

I am the only person who she really opens up to but I am scared that I may not be saying the right things. She pushes me away often and doesn't believe she deserves to be cared for or helped. Is this common? What am I, the support person, supposed to do in those circumstances? I usually just tell her that no matter what I am here for her and care for her - this can make her very angry sometimes.

Any advice would be great.

I guess, just listen, don't judge, take what they give - good and bad, and remember that she is not nuts..

Be supportive and be her friend...no matter what.

she will probably come back to you.

Hi Sam,

Yes the pushing people away (especially one's who care) is normal. She feels that she is undeserving of their love/friendship what ever. For what ever reason (even just breathing) she is feeling unworthy. What ever you do, don't go back on your word if/when she comes to you and says she needs help/support or just a shoulder to cry on. (I had friends tell me that they were there for me but when I needed them they weren't) If when she comes to you and you're not there, it will just strengthen her thought that no-one cares and she's alone.

She's more than likely not seeking professional help coz in some way she is in denial about being unwell. She doesn't want a 'label' and more than likely she is very afraid.

Can you perhaps offer to go see her doctor with her? Go as a support person? It can be a very hard thing to come to terms with on your own which could also be putting her off. It is good that she feels she can be open with you, at least she isn't trying to hold it all in and hide it. There is really no 'right' thing to say. Just be there for her, listen and (although it makes her angry) let her know that you do care and are there for her.

What I wrote about how she may be feeling etc is how I felt at first (and still do sometimes), this may not be the same for everyone, but may give you a bit of insight on one side of views anyway.

That's pretty much what I was after. I guess I was seeking reassurance that I am doing the right thing by her. Knowing that sticking by her is the right thing to do is what I needed to hear.

I have tried, very hard, to get her to see a professional but am making no progress on that front. I have offered to do everything to make it easier - like make the appointment, take her to the appointment, go in with her but she says she is too scared to do this.

She is absolutely in denial and I understand that. It just makes it very hard.

I make sure to never judge her. I know that is the last thing she needs. I alternate just listening with nudging her to take a step in the right direction. It's tricky at times to know which one to do.

It is tricky yes. She is very lucky to have a friend like you. It sounds though like you are trying your best, and that's really all you can do. Just be there for her, listen, offer your support and help and don't judge.

It can be very scary to take that first step and to be told that you have a mental illness, makes you feel a bit isolated at first, like you're the only one who is like this, you feel like you have no support, like you're all alone, no-one understands you and every is judging you. You feel like you're constantly being watched, even just a stranger smiling or greeting you as you walk down the street. According to you everyone has motives, and they are all out to 'get' you, to catch you and lock you away in a loony bin. You try to push away people who care about you, and sometimes you succeed, these people get sick of the way you act/behave and do turn and walk away, others (like you) stick beside the person. You realise who your true friends are. These are the people that stick beside you through good and bad, the people who don't judge you. You can trust these people.

Taking that first step in going to the doctor is very scary, you're sure that they want to lock you away. That you're never going to see the daylight again because you've been labeled as 'crazy' and 'nuts' and 'unsafe' etc.

Anyway, sorry for going on, like I say this is just my view on it, how I felt/feel. Not everyone is the same, but I do hope maybe it gives you some insight into how she might be feeling and what might be going through her mind.

First of all,
SAM,
good on you for Caring.

Regarding getting your friend to GO to a Proffesional Helper would definately be met with resistance, but if you were to ask your friend to accompany you so that you could learn,self hypnosis and relaxation
but are alittle anxious and You needed HER SUPPORT,
would she oblige?

The spin-off is obvious.
Any Proffesional Person would certainly help you to help your Friend
in this manner,if they had a bar of awareness.

Gaining support for yourself,can be had Here SURE,
but you should also not go out on a limb based on heresay,
as you may become a victem along the way!

Take Care.
GM

close ehh LC
mmm

Gah!

So what do you do when they turn around and decide there is nothing wrong with them - that's its all put on and deliberate - and they are going to make some momentous decisions to stop any further discussion / assistance that will ultimately make the situation worse?

don't push it, they will "go the other way" at some stage in the future, as they won't be able to handle depression by faking happiness.

appear to go with the flow, but switch to full on support role when they need it.,

BUT! in saying that what are the decisions they are making - not life threatening? How will they make the situation worse?

SamIAm wrote:Gah!

So what do you do when they turn around and decide there is nothing wrong with them - that's its all put on and deliberate - and they are going to make some momentous decisions to stop any further discussion / assistance that will ultimately make the situation worse?

You do as you are doing here Sam....
you turn around and extend your friendship-making.
Nature shows us through diversity
the species survives.

Always allow friends to make their choices
as it is making the wrong choices
we learn what is right!

Thankfully not life-threatening decisions. More ones that will lead to a worsening depression - like cutting off contact with people.

I won't walk away. I like the "appear to go with the flow" thing - that has been my approach so far so will stick with that.

Please keep in touch Sam, let us get updates,