Who I Am

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Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 14, 2009 7:36 am

In the last few days, I have thought just how healing a journal might be, so I have decided that I am going to take the plunge and write down just who I am, my journey in life. My only problem is, I just can't start from today, I need to go back, so is it ok with you guys if I do it here??. I have much to learn, but I also feel I can offer a huge amount of help to others, so writing this journal will not only be helpful to me and maybe give strenght to others that need it.

I will start with

I am 1 of 12

, brought up with both my mother and father, both very different people, and both of whom I have taught me sooo much. I have 4 siblings younger than myself. I have lost a sister, 3 brothers (1 in the last week) and my lovely father whom I am probably most like. I have been married twice (shock horror), but the most devastating was my partner who suffered from depression, the man I loved most in the world. This is the reason I am here, my ex partner.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:15 am

I'm not sharing any more unless you tell me its ok to do so.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by logical-cents on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:21 am

Hey peterpam,

Of course it is ok to share as much or as little as you like on here. And yes it is alright to go back as far as you need to.
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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:24 am

come on tell us more!!

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:42 am

Thanks guys. I'm not sure where to go next, so maybe I will take the night, think about what is important to share and get back to you tomorrow. Hopefully if we all share our experiences, we can all learn. Again thankyou

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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 14, 2009 8:46 am

just spill it out... just ramble

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sat Jun 20, 2009 11:39 pm

I have thought for days about this journal and where I want to start, what I want from it and even if its a good idea. I have come to the conclusion that Mylife, might just be right, maybe a journal is just a whole lot of rambling. I lay in bed last evening, actually early hours of the morning, for hours just thinking and realised that we do this each day. Our thoughts today, are not only for the here and now, but they take us to the past and then sometimes to the future, so it doesn't matter where I start, because my mind will take me to where I need to be at that moment.
My fear of writing this journal puplicly, was that I may say/feel something, that may cause pain or sadness for someone else, so I would just like to say, that if I was to do, that, please remember that, that was not my intention, I have the utmost respect for all of you on this message board.
My journal is for me. My world/ journey is a bit like a peace of art. it isn't finished till its over. We are like pupils in an art class, and I welcome your input of colour. Don't worry, if I don't like the colour someone else has added, I can alter it to some degree.
What made me decide that today was the day that I start my journal was that last evening, I posted in partners forum and as I did that, I was wondering if what I was shareing was helpful, wondering if that forum was the place for my thoughts. I decided then that at times for me, a journal may be the place to post my thoughts and then if you choose to, you are welcome to share my journey with me.
Well thats my rambling for the day, now best I get off my butt and get ready for work.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 3:29 am

peterpam wrote:Thanks guys. I'm not sure where to go next, so maybe I will take the night, think about what is important to share and get back to you tomorrow. Hopefully if we all share our experiences, we can all learn. Again thankyou

Just a Hint about Journal Writing peternPam.

If you set-up in Word,your diary can be started,NOT at the beguining at all.
This is liberating is it Not?....dont place yourself in a BOX!
You can start in the middle,or where you are today,
or about some happy-memories first;write what is charged ready to be written.

I suggest you do this (as writing yourself in this-way is healing in itself)
as THEN you can take one page 'Off Your Writing File' and share it with us just as you want,
Knowing You have it wrtten just as You want it to sound
and have consolidated the creative energy
by Writing Oneself.

With love
gm


Last edited by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 3:36 am; edited 3 times in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 21, 2009 4:35 am

Had to laugh, GM, place myself in a box!!!. Maybe my name should to tinkerbell, as a flit about all over the place. I am a free spirit and one of the things I like about myself is the unknown. Very few people know who I am or what I'm thinking, so to share some of my moments with you all, is a little scary
Hugs for your help..

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Re: Who I Am

Post by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:13 am

You are a free spirit and one of the things I like about You
is that one dosnt know what to expect-next!
You are also the unknown you are drawn to in other people.
Can sugar taste Sugar?

Sharing is also strengthening.
When one is ready to share,they have done the basic groundwork,(homework)and then truely have something to say,RATHER THAN making it up as they GO,
or find themselves unable to debate a new found View-Point.

Sure,its alittle frightening;
this is a Public Message Board and one dosnt know HOW one is reading what we place here,
BUT SHARE WE MUST. Aloneness can be frightening
unless One has developed the tools that mind-watchers develope
where they are safe where ever they stray!

The Watcher in us all
is made from conciousness I figured,
as when we go to sleep at night(or Day)
we loose conciousness.


To become expanded in conciousness
is like becomming Cosmically-Concious.
This is the domain in-which Miracles are Mastered.
One must know what their-power IS
at some point in their Lifes Journey
as Power comes along with Responsibility.


Last edited by greasemonkey on Sun Jun 21, 2009 9:16 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 21, 2009 8:28 pm

peterpam just remember that rambling here is a nice ramble, and my comment was meant in a nice way.

I find it interesting here as I can relate to some many things here and that makes it good.

also there is a high degree of animinity here,

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Re: Who I Am

Post by greasemonkey on Mon Jun 22, 2009 4:23 am

its as though we are all the same person
at times;maybe we are all traversing
the Same Soup Bowl
and share the same spoon
without knowing-it!.
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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Mon Jun 22, 2009 8:34 am

Hi there mylife, I know that was meant, in a kind way. You helped me, thankyou for that.
Gm I think maybe you are right, sometimes we come from different directions, but we all meet.
Tonight is not the right night for me to post in my Journal (unless I cant sleep), but tomorrow maybe I will share the secret. My partner had a secret, something I thought alot about today.
Maybe at this point I need to tell you that I don't like to refer to him, as him, he, my partner, my ex, (this man was very special to me) sooo out of respect for my ex partner I am going to give him a name. I have decide to call him Peter, (truley not his real name) but one I can easily remember, hope thats ok.
Lots of respect Pam.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:12 pm

Maybe yesterday, I just had far to much time on my hands, because my mind just kept wondering back to the secret, the huge secret that has plaqued me for months. When peter and I where living together we shared everything, we never stopped talking, it just went on and on. It was funny how each day if just appeared that we continued on with our conversation from the day before. Peter would laugh and say we were like the clintons, we started a conversation and it had never stopped. Even though we laughed so much together, we also cried alot together. When you love someone so deep, you share in their highs as well as the lows. I thought I knew everything about peter, after all he would share his deepest thoughts with me, I went to his councelling sessions, because he asked me to. He would tell me that it almost had to be me that he would talk to. We helped each other, I had never shared so much with anyone in my life.
I/we were so gutted when we split, it wasn't our relationship, it was the depression, it just somehow took over. Peter was regulally comeing off his meds and I was just so exhausted that I didn't know what to do anymore. I use to wonder why oh why would he do this, knowing how bad things would get for him, maybe its abit like cutting, you somehow need to feel the pain. I felt like I had failed him. I had tried so hard, I knew all there was to know about peter, but I couldn't make him well. Oh sure when he was on his medication we had a blast, he appeared to be so happy, but then something would happen and it would feel like here we go again. What was it I wasn't doing, what was it I couldn't see. My lovely, lovely man was falling apart and I could'nt save him.
After sometime we started to see one another again, peter would again share his thoughts with me, we would have dinner, drinks, we again had a fab time, until two weeks before it all came to a crashing halt, he shared with me that he had a secret, something he couldn't tell anyone, not even me. It was then I knew it was over. I never showed what I was truley feeling, but I felt ripped apart, what could be so, so bad in ones life that you could never tell, not even your bestest, bestest freind.
I was never told the secret, but maybe I already know. If I do know the answer I would never share my thoughts other than with Peter himself, because it's his secret and it need to be ok for him to share, not me.
The good thing that has come from this, is that I no longer feel a failure, how could I have helped when I had no idea what the problem was in the first place.
I hope one day that Peter finds the strenght to share this monster within him, then maybe he can be whole. Peter so deserves happiness(he truly is an amazing man) and even though I will never be in his life again, there will always be apart of him within me.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by greasemonkey on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:38 am

it was the depression,that brought me to My Knees.
I tried,boy how I tried.
I made it happen at times
but mostly
I died.

Depression is Gods Gift to the West!
Without it we wouldnt have the leaders
and healers who truely know the way-out
of the gap which appears between the hemisperes
of our Brains;the mind a finer rendition of the Brain.

You'l never-never know if you never-ever Go!


Last edited by greasemonkey on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:45 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: Who I Am

Post by greasemonkey on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:43 am

What a fantastic relationship you Two-Had together Pam.

Very few humans can say theyve had it all
as you too did at times before the end.
All aint lost at all;we just loose-sight of it.

I heard somewhere,
"the fastest route into enlightenment is via the love relationship between two people".

If only we hand some instruction at school about life-skills
the world(our worlds)would be a finer place to be in.
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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Tue Jun 23, 2009 12:50 am

Aww... Pam that made me feel sad and happy for you at the same time.

Sad because the depression has had such an impact on your relationship, happy because i can see the acceptance there.

It was also thought provoking, maybe i should just tell me husband everything,..

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:45 am

Tonight I did something that, I had forgotten how much I enjoyed, I went for a walk. To feel the freshness of the evening on my face, to admire our beautiful river with the wonderful huge willow trees, hanging, looking so spendid, standing strong, along the river bank, saying look at me, I am proud. Watching people, people watching me, wondering what they are thinking, it was invigorating, it was soul building. It gave to time to clear my head, to open my heart and to see the world for its beauty.
The importance of me revisiting the secret, was to put it to bed. I felt hurt, some what betrayed and angry, very very angry. By revisiting, I was able to understand, that this was not an act of betrayal, he was not ready, not in a place that he could share and it was his secret, to do with what he needed and for the moment he needed to hold on to it. I felt hurt, because a felt like I had done so much to help him heal, put my life on hold to be able to help his. I now know, that, that was my decision, my decision to put my life aside, at any time I was and should have been in control. Peter never once, asked me to live my life for him. I felt angry, so very very angry because I felt peter had not been honest with me, until I realised he had not intentionally been dishonest.
Forgiveness is power, honesty is courage and anger closes the path to healing.
My veiw, for what its worth is
Relationships are partnerships of 2 people working and walking in the same direction. They take honesty, trust, repect and courage.
If we open our minds and hearts, all of these are acheiveable, look for the lessons.
Thankyou GM and mylife for your comments and sharing in my healing.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:44 pm

Today I woke with 2 messages. I cant even tell you where these come from, but they are just there. I only want to mention one and that was "In my minds eye". Now I know what it means, but how was it applicable to today?? Still thinking about that one. Maybe I am as nutty as a fruit cake after all.
The other thing that has been on my mind today is my brother Gaz (pet name) and his death a couple of years back. Gaz was a couple of years younger than me and in the end we were so close. I remembered how he was there for me, every step of the way, when another of my brothers (John) died. John was a year older than myself and my bestest freind. When he died in a car accident (I think he was about 28) my life, as I knew it, fell apart and Gaz looked after me as best he could. Some years later Gaz became very ill and I had my chance to repay and look after him. My understanding was that he had picked up an infection, which had gone to his brain. Well that was true, but only half the truth. Doctors worked hard to kill the infection, but long story short, he now had full blown aids. Not knowing this at the time, my sisters and i visited him daily whilst he was in hospital and did everything we could to nurse him. Not knowing the situation, I made him a promise we would make him well, a promise I could never keep. Weeks later, doctors asked to talk with me. Gaz had asked that they tell me the truth and if and when it was needed I would make decisions for the family. I was aloud to share this with one of my sisters but no one else. My brother was a bright, fabulous looking young man, who was so frightened what people, even family, would think of him. Daily we would visit and watch him suffer such a horrible death and not be able to do anything. His secret was eating me up, I was watching family tend to him, watching my mother, his mother, cry, not excepting he was getting worse, that i made a decision to call a family meeting. I wanted my mother told, in my mind she deserved the truth, her son, our brother, was going to die. My god, if this was your child would you not need to know??. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, weighing up my brothers wishes against my mothers needs and safety. Something I have had to live with ever since. Mother cried sooo much, but she was able to let go. We lied, I lied to mum, telling her we only just found out. Even though I broke his trust, I did and still do think it was the right thing to do. My mother was able to say goodbye. In the last few weeks Gaz could only comunicate, by blinking his eyes, for yes or no. In the last couple of weeks even that, had been taken from him, he just lay there. The night before he passed, I was in his room at the hospice, talking away and he began to blink. I asked if he could hear me and he blinked and blinked and blinked. My brother said goodbye in the only way he could. I learnt courage from my brother and because of that, I want everyone to know that I am not ashamed my brother died of aids and I was still, so very proud of him
I needed to revisit this, to give myself forgiveness and remind myself on the lesson of courage

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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 25, 2009 1:43 pm

Pam, thank you so much for sharing this story, it literally has brought tears to my eyes. Such a hard decision to make, but i truly feel, from what I've read, that you made the right one.

I can't imagine how hard it must have been to lose two of your brothers at such a young age. You have been through so much. (((( hugs ))))

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Thu Jun 25, 2009 9:49 pm

Thankyou Jaffakiwi, this one broughts tears to my eyes also, as I remembered my fears. For along time I felt I had failed him. I wont go into details, but I remember once when he was gasping to breath, as I ran for the nurse, I was also running for my life, so bloody scared.
As painful as this is writing my life, it is also very healing to face the world head on. I hope I can give strenght to others.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:04 pm

Keep writing peterpam, it is good cleansing for the soul. ..It certainly helped me here doing that.

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sat Jun 27, 2009 6:19 am

Today I was thinking about our creature. Who ever it is, maybe god, but whoever it is they he/she needs a bloody good talking to.
For gods sake, what the hell are you doing. If I had this job I would spread the stress. You know what, if I had your job I would at least give a road map. Listen up darling,When a child is born and the stork delivers the baby in a nappy, there is room for a wee note. Mine might say something like this, "hey sweetheart you are beautiful, one of my most beautiful creations (LOL) but I have bad news. Firstly you are strong, (not) so I have decided that you will not only have one, but, you will have at least 3 problems at any one time. My response would be "Well honey, if you are going to do that, at least tell me what they are, so I can prepare myself. Man he's done a shit job

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Re: Who I Am

Post by Guest on Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:57 am

LOL I like the way you say

"Man he's done a shit job"

Yeah if it was a women it would have been done properly Smile *searches for stirring stick*...


It would have been nice to have a manual, a road map...

But I guess we are paving a road map for future people. I mean to say history has paved the map thus far has it not? farao

We are just part of tommorrows history are we not?

hmmm stress.... yes that is a killer and high in the depression stakes...how can we cut down on that? Suspect

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Re: Who I Am

Post by peterpam on Sun Jun 28, 2009 8:24 am

Hehe, pleased you enjoyed my humour,
Well the way I deal with stress and it does seem to stop me going out of my mind, lol, is to deal with today. I can't change yesterday and tomorrow, well tomorrows just that, I cant see that far, so I worry about today only. When things have been so bad, brother dying, sister in law dying and partner coming of his meds, all at the same time, I took it hour by hour, but I always try to stay positive. Sometimes thats the only way I know to survive.

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