Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

Be great to see you hang about here more. I'll look for you in chat.

Had pretty much a melt down this morning. Been crying for the past 3hrs over stupid dumb shit. Im just an idiot whining about things that arent really that bad that I make seem worse than they are cos Im pathetic. I should just suck it up and get over it and realise that Im better off than a lot of people so why the fuck should I complain. Today I actually had to remind myself that people would actually care if I died but then I wonder if they really would. I just whine and complain and Im more of a hassle then Im worth. Not even my 'friends' can be fucked with me anymore. I haven't barely heard from my so called best friend in ages, despite me trying to get in touch. Shes even been past my house to see another one of our friends (who also hasnt bothered getting back to me). I told my boyfriend how I was feeling this morning and he just got up and seemed angry, then told me that my life isnt that bad. So much for telling him when I feel down and need support. I dont wanna tell people I need help again, they will just be thinking 'oh not again, shes just a pain in the arse'. I have pills sitting next to my bed right now, Im so tempted just to take them all. Hopefully then no one else would have to waste their time on me.

Hi Little Hayley, I am so sorry you feel the way you do. I also feel I have so much in my life to be grateful for and I should just suck it up and get on with life. BUT the feelings are overwhelming and it is impossible to just get rid of them. I don't know why, wish I did. The only thing I do know is that the feelings will pass and you will have at least some relief soon. I am pretty sure your friends still care for you but just don't know what to say to help which is exactly how I feel even though I totally understand your pain as I have the same. It is easier to avoid a person than be confronted with the pain of someone you care about and not know how to help. Hope to catch up with you again soon in chat. Hugs Judy

Thanks Judy your exactly right. After a shower and something to eat I calmed down and Im fine now. It just scares me that Im getting that down again to feel the way I did when I wrote that. I just need to stop myself thinking so much because when Im distracted Im not thinking bad things.

Distraction, comforting showers and yummy food are some of natures good medicines. So pleased you are feeling more comfortable and also pleased that you feel able to vent on here when you do feel down. There is almost always someone around to offer some support. Take care.

So I was on facebook yesterday and one of my friends (one that I mentioned above, but not my bestie) was on there 2. She said hi and invited me to the movies with a group of other friends. I know im looking into it too much, but if we hadn't been on there at the same time would she have bothered inviting me? Would any of them? My 'bestie' might be coming too, and I have to say Im pissed off at her cos I feel like Iv just been ditched for another friend. Their in constant contact and I've just been tossed aside. I feel like Im not good enough cos their the 'pretty skinny' ones and Im not.

Then I starting thinking about how many of my mates have bothered to come see my new house (that I moved into in may). Bestie has (because she needed a place to crash when she was having a fight with her bf). And thats it. And its not from me not inviting them, or being unavailable or anything. I know its stupid but it makes me feel crappy. Then I got Baxter, and invited heaps of people round to see him and see the house. None of them have come. It makes me wonder why I bother, I go celebrate things that make them happy, why can't they take the time and do the same. Its not hard to pop in and say hi.

Will be interesting to see how tonight goes. It sux that I'm feeling down again, I will be putting on the fake happy face. I think it might be time for me to start taking the citalopram again because I hate doing fake happy. I just feel so fat and ugly and plain and boring and I have no life cos I either have study or work and no one invites me to anything any more.

I went to the movies and it was great. We saw 500 days of Summer and it was quite good, not a typical love story at all. They had these huge pillow beanbag things that you sat on instead of seats and they were so comfy!! It was great seeing the others, am hoping to see them more over summer.

Bestie txt me the other day, we caught up at the mall on friday night. We do that quite often, just hang out, walk round, chat, check out clothes/makeup/jewellery/perfume and its great fun. We even go for a drink if we feel like it. Was great to see her, she's been just as busy as me. We're also going out to town this saturday night coming.

I think since I've been feeling so crap lately I need to feel like I have friends ALL THE TIME to maybe confirm to me that people like me. Thats probably why I've been getting so anal about it all.

Last night I got home, I was feeling pretty crap about how I looked yesterday (eye was all puffy and red from getting a cat hair in it cos Im allergic to cats = swollen eye), I hadn't had enough sleep and I had dark rings around my eyes and I all round looked like crap. I took Baxter for a walk/run, and when I got inside I realised my bf had cleaned the kitchen entirely, like it was spotless. I was stoked and happy and feeling great. Then he got home, we had dinner and he said how great it was. Then he was eating a pineapple lump bar and I asked him for half. Previously I had asked him to hide them because I would grab one and eat it when I was trying to lose weight. He said no you don't need that, and I don't know if its because Im feeling sensitive or what but I took it as 'you don't need that because your fat and need to lose weight'. It really hurt me. I don't know if it was because hes right, or because I feel that he thinks Im fat or what. I just... I dunno. I just re read all this and Im whining about crap that I always whine about. Why don't I do something about my weight then, right? The thing is I have. I have been losing weight, and exercising and eating well. Its just never enough for me. I still feel like a massive heffalump, fat and ugly and gross. My self esteem levels are rediculous.

It is 'that time of the month' though. My weight always goes a bit up, I get a bit bloated, and the week before and during I am the emotional monster from hell. Maybe thats just my problem.

At least Bella and Baxter love me no matter what. At the moment Im missing having Phyllis to go ride, even though I know I would be a bit wuss riding her

I had a sudden realisation on my way to work that I had forgotten something and today of all days is the worst possible time I could have forgotten it and if someone finds in life will be crap.. I can't really elaborate more than that but I am shitting myself and I am almost in tears at the thought of the worst possible outcome.. I wish I could just go home sick!

ok umm... i hope your day gets better and that it is found by you,

take care

Thanks mylife, I went home and all was well. It will NOT be happening again.

Getting my hair cut tomorrow, Im looking forward to that. I don't really treat myself much now (haven't brought a pair of shoes or had a hair cut since march, and the only thing I've brought clothing wise since then is some jeans I desparetly needed in back in august/september) so I think I deserve it! Esp cos my hair is down to my hips, I should probably look after it more

Hi Hayley it sounds like a little pampering is needed which may lift your mood a bit. I hope you enjoy getting your hair cut. If you are lucky they might give you a scalp massage too which is heaven!

Hey becks, thanks, yea it was so lovely!

I'm halfway through exams and the first 2 have seemed to go better than I thought they would which is always nice Things are going good, Im stressing out a little bit about exams but their all over soon.

This is a pic of our little man Baxter, hes almost 5 months now

So I've been pretty good lately. Atm just worrying about something thats getting to me. But hopefully its nothing Happy that exams are over, its nice to not have to worry about studying again for a few months. Sux being back at work full time though, but I am enjoying the extra money (was previously only working 4 days a week). I also just got another payrise and am getting back paid to 1st of oct, so will have that and some other money owed to me paid this week which will be super handy for xmas shopping.

We had a bbq and prenzel party at our house on friday night. Was a real shame that it was the only night all week the weather was absolute crap lol, but we had a lot of fun. Was nice catching up with a few friends, got to see my mates 5 week old bub (me getting clucky! haha), plus Baxter's breeder came and was so nice to know she thinks hes looking fantastic and we're training him well.

Got my xmas work lunch next friday then Greenday with bf after, then saturday we have his family bbq. Then we have xmas and Im on holiday. I love december, its my fav month of the year, theres always heaps to look forward to. I told the bf that I'm planning on spending one day of my holidays just doing nothing, Im gunna catch up on movies and programmes I've been meaning to watch on mysky, eat some popcorn, drink some coke and maybe a glass or too of wine, eat some lollies and choc, and just vege out lol. I think I deserve a day of doing that

Going to the movies to see New Moon with mum tonight. We promised to see it together so have been trying to find a good time. I can't wait, I love the twilight series

Really missing my riding. I think I'll try get up to mum and dads a bit during my holidays to ride their horses and will be able to get my confidence up there again. They have a big all weather arena which is great, makes for safe riding lol. Plus my sister has a really cool pony that I love riding, shes more my size (have always loved the little ones!).

Hope everyone is going well. Sending hugs and love to everyone that needs some xx

Big vent time...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to talk to, or who would actually care. I hardly see my partner anymore with the hours that we do, and when I do get a chance to spend time with him he's building stuff or hanging out with the dog or hungover. I get that he needs his own time but I want to spend time with him too. We see each other for max 5 mins a day, sometimes not at all, except for when we're sleeping. Or I'm cooking or cleaning or out running errands or whatever. When we do spend time together its just watching tv and thats pretty much it.

I try talking to my 'best mate'. Shes not interested in anything I have to say unless its about her. I txt her the other day worried about something and she basically said don't worry it happens to me all the time its nothing. Needless to say I, yet again, felt useless and stupid and unimportant. She only txt me today to find out how something went, because something similar was happening to her and she wanted to talk about that. She has no time or money to catch up with me, yet can go to town and party in her free time.

I'm drifting away from most of my other mates. They all have kids and I just feel stupid when I'm with them cos they just seem older and more mature and stuff cos they have kiddies. And I feel like Im boring and have nothing to offer to my childless mates... just thinking about it now I have no reason not to catch up with them, I just feel... boring. And just think why would they wanna spend time with me anyway?

As per usual, I hate my job. I finally got something challenging and something I would think I would find interesting, but I don't. Its just boring and I dread doing it. I'm trying to get myself transferred but no one wants me. At the moment I feel like my life is just dragging on, Im just going through the movements, I have no purpose and aim. I'm just trying to get through the day's, earning money to pay the bills, cleaning, cooking.. just doing what needs to be done. And I don't know why I don't do anything about it? Maybe I just don't have the confidence. I have no one to blame for feeling like this than myself.

I'm also trying hard to lose weight and doing exercise. And I'm trying so hard and its not working. My instinct says to stop eating because then I will lose it, but that will just screw up my metabolism, and I'll end up binging on junk. I'm walking most days, doing weights etc and the weight just isn't shifting.

Maybe christmas is getting to me or something. Or I really need a holiday. During my time off I'm going to try catch up with people, make plans, do stuff. I have a mentor meeting next week, I'll try push that I want to move somewhere else. I only have one year left of study to do, then I have 2yrs of bond to work off that I can do overseas.

Thats another thing. I got my marks back from my exams. I passed everything, got two B-, a C and a C+. I'm happy I passed, but I'm kinda dissapointed with my marks. I put in so so so much hard work and study to get good marks this semester. I was aiming for at least a A- or a B+.

Maybe I'm just beating myself up for some stupid reason. I dunno whats up with me atm. I just feel so pointless.

So today I'm not gunna have a long winded vent.

I just have to say.. I need one hell of a hug