SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

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SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 12, 2009 1:17 am

sorry deleted


Last edited by poetry on Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:47 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by britelite on Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:52 am

I love you fair enough poetry...I would get very tired of holding all that in too!!!

it has already been too much what you have managed to get through...I wish I had some perfect solution to gift you to get your ex to understand what his unthinking and selfish behaviour is doing to you...and yes I would make it enough to reach your younger sis too!!

keep venting hun...and surrounding yourself with as many caring people as you can. flower
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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 12, 2009 3:18 am

Poetry - I'm tired of life too..

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 12, 2009 5:02 am

tHANK YOU bRItELiTe - oops still with those caps on...... a big lump in my throat - funny how you can have a cry when someone is sympathetic and understanding. :0


MyLife - It is a hard road

Life is bloody so conflicting - the sad thing is i don't wont anyone ever again in my life.

poetry

Sad


Last edited by poetry on Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Tue Apr 14, 2009 2:34 am

Awww Poetry... I know how confusing life is...

Take the time to be by yourself and sort everything out. It might just be that you need 'me' space now,

Keep us updated,

Best Wishes m'lady.

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Tue Apr 14, 2009 7:30 am

Easter Weekend was soooooooo hard, fell back into the TRAP of isolation
apart from all the distractions you were there in my mind chatter, rehashing conversation,

I'm tired of you, sick of you being in my space, sick of the panic attacks - sick of depression and crap titles that follow me...

I want my job back, my life back!!!!!!!!!! No male will ever touch my heart again , never!!!!


I want back my financial freedom, to never think of you again!!!, to be safe, well, and not frightened of the future!!!!!!!!!!!!


Last edited by poetry on Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 15, 2009 7:37 am



Last edited by poetry on Tue Apr 21, 2009 5:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 15, 2009 8:39 am

good for you poetry..there is nothing like a childs voice saying thank you.

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed May 20, 2009 12:54 am

tough night....... Was tired...took meds - sleeping tabs etc...... unable to sleep

I heard a loud sob and realized it was me:) couldn't stop crying...... just awful - the reality of my life now and how hard it is to try and understand why i keep myself isolated from the world..... my world is cyberspace.

Memories..... too many some happy some sad...very sad. I saw my friend again lying in the bed at hospice...... i got to say goodbye - miss him so much. Again i cry.... The picture changed and it was me lying in that bed dying.


My friend delivered her wee boy yesterday...... at 2am in the morning i was panicked into making sure i had gifts - then it was panic that my gift for my gran-daughter wouldn't get to her so left a message and address on the parcel - to be found in case...... in case i was about to have a breakdown again

I felt like my mind was snapping..... heading for another breakdown so many birthdays - gifts to get out.... responsibility to make sure books i am selling will get to there owners.... stupid crazy i know.

I am not in a 'good' way this morning - tears keep flowing
I am tired..... i am tired of reality. Reality? I struggle to leave this house...... how am i ever to return to teaching? I have lost hope of ever returning to my chosen career.

I have lost it today..... going to zombie land - with prescribed meds..... going to stay there for awhile and rest.

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by musicool on Wed May 20, 2009 4:00 am

I can relate to your feelings, I wish I could magically take all your sadness away, I am lost for words, of encouragement, I to have been isolating myself, and have past partners, have hurt me, leaving me with nothing, I mean nothing, keep yourself safe, remember to talk to your close friends.
because they do care about you, some may be empathetic or sympathetic, those that do not under your illness, maybe not so much because there ignorance will bring you down, it is hard I know. but we care. flower
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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Paddy on Wed May 20, 2009 5:41 am

Poetry, hiya.

This sucks, doesn't it?


A couple of years ago, I went through a pretty dark space that I didn't think was survivable (which shows how little I know).

Part of finding my way back onto a state that I could sorta live with and accept being me, involved acknowledging to myself that there are some things that I can't go back to; some things I can, but needn't necessarily carry the whole bloody time; and a few wee positives as well. In the end, I wrote myself a letter and even posted it and acted all surprised (Mr Beanish, I know, sigh) when it arrived in my letter box.

But here is what I told myself. Stuff I obviously knew, but didn't accept:

10 May 2007
Dear Pat,

Howís it going?

Because I care, Iíve been doing a bit of thinking about you, your life, the past and because you donít want to, the future. I want you to read and then think on what Iím about to tell you, because when you do, you will see that I am right.

1. Pat, it really is OK to allow yourself to learn to be happy. Lots of others are and there is no reason to think that you are permanently excluded from that state. Unless you donít want to be and deep down, I donít think you feel that way. In fact, I know you donít, from stuff you have told me (and others, recently).

2. Hey, and itís also OK to feel sad or angry or hurt sometimes. Those are all natural, logical feelings Ė bring them out when they are appropriate to the situation and once done with them, put them away until they need to come out again.

3. I know Iím pushing my luck with this thought, but mate, it needs to be said. It is OK to allow yourself to see in you, the sorts of qualities others tell you they see in you. It is impossible for them all to be wrong so for a change, go with the majority opinion. You are not all bad and you are not useless or worthless.

4. And work? Donít sweat over it. What is right for you will turn up, when the time is right. Why not let yourself relax and learn to accept that you need some help, and also that maybe you donít need to be, I donít know, an office worker or something with a fancy job title. Maybe, you are supposed to write? Or write and paint? Have you really, seriously, considered that? Perhaps, you are getting ready to become emotionally enriched and empowered and by so doing, you are preparing yourself to write crap poems or short stories or the great NZ Novel, or whatever. Maybe you are not, too. Thatís always a chance, but sometimes mate, chances have to be taken, to get to where you know you want to be.

5. Iím not sure how to break this to you, but you donít need to be perfect either! Itís not possible to be, itís not healthy to try to be and it is a waste of energy that you need to use in other, more useful ways. Try just being Pat. You might even like it.

6. I think that you are probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and that you can learn to use that strength to your advantage. Not for other peoples advantage, but for yours, for a change.

We both know that you can ignore what Iíve said here, but we also both know that it would be a real waste of you, if you did. Like the shampoo ad said. ĎIt wonít happen overnight, but it will happen.í It will happen.

How do I know this?

Because you are not at a ĎCrossroadsí in the path of your life anymore.

By asking for help, you have already moved beyond the crossroads and taken the first steps down the new road. I canít tell you with any certainty where it leads to, but I can tell you this Ė itís not a road you will regret taking in the long run. Itís not necessarily paved with gold, but then treasure comes in many forms.

Donít keep looking over your shoulder at what you can leave behind on the journey. Itís not a load you need to carry every step of the way, mate. Drop some of it off Ė it can always be forwarded on to you if you ever need any of it again Ė but I donít think that you do, except as confirmation on how far you have really traveled.

Pat, you are one of the smartest, toughest people I know or have ever met Ė so start acting like it, mate. Your ability to soak up physical pain is bettered only by your ability to inflict mental anguish on yourself. Doh! See # 3 above and give some thought to # 1, 2, 4, 5, and 6 whilst you are at it.

Anyway Pat, Iíve said my piece for the time being Ė and you know that Iím certainly smart enough not to be wrong about these things.

Take care and donít forget to have a ĎBe nice to Patí day once in a while Ė you might even (shock, horror) enjoy yourself.

Cheers,

Patrick."

Every once in a while, I make myself reread that, just to reaffirm the wisdom in it. I hope that you find a way soon, to acknowledge the good things, the positives, the strengths, that are you. 'Cos, they're there. We both know that.

flower
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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed May 20, 2009 6:02 am

Paddy,

That is a very sensible, wise letter to write, and I for one am pleased that you shared that with us.

Poet, alot of what Patrick wrote to Patrick can be said for you.

We all go through sad times, breaking point times where we think there is no turning back.

But there is and there will be.

Hang in there ok?

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed May 20, 2009 8:19 am

Thank you paddy for sharing your letter.... means alot , thanks mylife.

I'm sorry my reply is short. Got to return to zombie land - or i am not going to get through this plunge in mood.

Thank you

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed May 20, 2009 8:29 am

ok thanks poetry

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Wed May 20, 2009 11:32 pm

Sorry music thank you for your reply and yes this forum is a place where people DO CARE.... that is the secret here. Wink

Stupid! I swallowed my morning meds ... carried on with tackling and doing something about gifts..... ( even though i know i can paint/create with my supplies) decided best thing right now is to just buy something small off TM.
Whilst on TM pics things became a bit 'blurry'. I thought it was weird as morning meds don't normally have this effect - then realised ...grrrr I had taken 50mg of Quitierpin(sp) - was so frustrating i hate that drug!!!......... after awhile the chatter stopped - been a constant this inner child.

So anyway thought gee could go to town and get this and that done..... ummmm and the irony for me was i still can't get to town i can't drive too wiped out by meds!!!!!!!!!!
scratch

As much as i hate that drug it has helped me - it is an antipsychotic med i believe.

I realise i am avoiding bed - not sure why? So think lack of sleep is the major reason for mood drop out. Oh and let's not forget reality. Life goes on and i have to accept it!

As for new direction... yes i have 'gifts' like so many here..... i have tried believe me to sell and get into the Dunedin market.... I now have 'artist block' Mad

The community i moved from knew me to be an art teacher and artist and I was fortunate to have a following - also to be commissioned. I donated artworks to different schools to raise money - and one hangs in a very cool school - donated to celebrate its revamp -opening.

I have lost confidence in myself as an artist..... I have lost me

Excuse my ramblings. Nice to be able to reply and not sit here crying - mood too low to reply.

Paddy i wrote a wee letter on this sight and have on occasion- when doing ok read it.... I can't read it when i am low takes me lower......

Thank you again for posting your letter in here -

I'm okay - gee who wouldn't be with that med i can't spell flower
P.S Found - i keep stumbling upon books I haven't remembered buying - the last being A Thousand Paths to Tranquillity by David Baird. Very good -full of quotes.

"Tranquillity comes when we can accept ourselves. For some it is reaching a point of accepting they are what they will always be and for others it is the point of deciding what it is they will become"

hmmmmmmmmmmmm thank goodness the book has chapters on other topic, like calm, peace.........

"words are slippery" :from the same book)...... yes they sure are!!

" the mind is slippery" Poetry

Arohanui and thank you for your support


Last edited by poetry on Sun May 24, 2009 10:00 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Thu May 21, 2009 6:23 am

Hi there Poet

Love the photo, and yes "words are slippery" as it the mind.

Keep your chin up and you'll be ok..

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Fri May 29, 2009 11:18 pm

I just need to cry on here..... sick of depression, mood going up then down, my new game called obsessive cleaning... driving me crazy again!, being paranoid deleting on here - stupid sorry - stupid me!, am i upsetting members, saying the wrong things -crap going on in my head. Reality crap - old friends wanting to get in contact - friends to both my ex and me - not saying what is really going on - not wanting to load off to friends - keep everything locked up inside - don't want to be seen as not coping still after such a long time.. Not explaining myself well...Losing it day. So i keep going round and round - mind chatter - a new friend old! GO AWAY! Wish i could delete me and start again.OH Ya panic 'my old mate' your here too!!! Stuff it icons say it better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Admin (Paddy) on Sat May 30, 2009 1:18 am

Dear 'Guest'.
flower

I think that the only person you are really upsetting here, is you. And you are far too special to us for us to want you to feel upset. So if it helps, yeah, take a break, but don't forget, you can get back inside the Kennel with us here at TBBD, anyime you choose to. C'mon back now, y'hear?

One of the things I like about it here at TBBD is that we can delete or edit stuff that causes us to feel anxious after we post it. And we don't have to explain our decisions - it helps us to feel in control of something and thats important.

We don't much need to say 'sorry' to each other here. Especially when its not needed. You certainly don't.

Oh, and Thank You. You know what I'm talking about Very Happy cheers

Arohanui

Pat.
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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Sat May 30, 2009 1:58 am

Look after yourself ok. I look forward to you returning not as a guest, but as part of our family here.

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Sat May 30, 2009 4:42 am

Poetry, you are a very valued and cared-for member of the TBBD family. The only thing that does upset us is your not being here and us worrying about you.

Do what you have to do to look after yourself, but I really do hope that you come back to us soon so we can continue to give you cyber hugs and check in Smile (((((Poetry))))) cheers

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Re: SICK OF HOLDING IT ALL IN

Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2009 4:36 am

Poetry, how are you doing now?

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