careless vent (not really a vent)

i dont get it. I just dont care.
alot of people close to me are telling me that ive changed-although 4 the better but that i simply "dont care" ive lost my fiery opinionated self. i thought that was a good thing but aparently not!!

would these people rather have me in a crumpled heap on the floor with my ugly cry??
i dont want to depend on people and i dont want to talk about my depression --why is that so hard for people to understand?? im almost 22 4 god sakes its time i stood on my own two feet and sort my shit out!
y worry aboout shit thats out of my control?? that means i dont care?!!! NO! it means i got better shit ta deal with than some pathetic dramas that people create and INVOLVE ME! shit i left high school years ago! at what point do idiots start growing up??

i believed it was a good thing to not be cranky anymore or crying constantly...im numb and cruisy. i dont understand what they want from me?>!!!!!!!!!!


ohh while im venting (saves a new thread)

To : (the ex)
HOW FUCKING DARE U RAISE UR FIST AT ME, HOW FUCKING DARE U BREAK MY CELLPHONE FOR THE SECDOND TIME!! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW FUCKING DARE U TELL ME WHILE IZ IN HOSPITAL AFTER MY 1ST O.D THAT MY MUM DOESNT CARE ENOUGH AND THATS WHY SHE WASNT WITH ME! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE FELT SO FUCKING SCREWED UP IN THE HEAD AND THEN U TELL ME THAT SHIT?! WOT KIND OF FUCKING SHIT IS THAT?! MY MOTHER CARES A HELEVA LOT AND THATS WHY SHE KEPT ME THE HELL AWAY FROM U!! IF ONLY I LISTENED INSTEAD OF GOING TO QUEENSTOWN WITH U AND BEING UR HOUSE BITCH FOR A WEEK!!!!! AND HAVING TO LISTEN TO ALL UR NEGATIVE CRAP!!! AND THEN U TEEL ME THAT IM FUCKED IN THE HEAD??!!!!!! SORRY LOVE, NOT NO MORE!!!!!!


wow, i feel heaps better now

((((HUGS)))) I think that you're on the right track Wizza.

It sounds as if you are finding your own feet, your strengths and abilities, these will grow with time.

There are a number of extremely helpful posts by Greasemonkey dealing with issues like yours. Have a read, he has some great insights.

yep, us blokes dont know where to dump our-shit
when we cant make good use of it
creatively,or make money out of it
which i choose to do.

Men are growing too wizza,
and unless we individually help-ourselves first, we are not much use to the community at large,if caring is your thing,which I think maybe the case here.
What you will find though,is that as you go along this path you've choosen for yourself,you will come to clear spots,places from which you sometimes think,(this is it)and in the thinking, lose it momentarilly.(dam)
These spots are like signposts along the way;they give us perspective.

Spiritual growth is a delicate thing especially when you're open,
as you are,to take your man into your Heart.
But for what reason?
Were it to help him get 'His act together?'

Men act,true and as they develope their acts,they become more dangerous.
You're a great person to take responsibility for your present condition;that I always admire in people.Out there,ahead of you somewhere,there are many-men who are also growing and learning what there is to learn about self and correct relating.

Real Relationships are what they are looking for also!

In your soul-searching-open-times with those ppl about you that you feel closest to you;entertain their ideas,sieve through them gently.They may-not be meaning what you think they mean when they say the things they do in the hope of helping you with your journey.
Sometimes,we awaken to find it were Us,
that misunderstood a word,or a meaning, and were infact blinding ourselves,with our own thoughts.
(hang-loose)
Other-times we may awaken and see that ppl are-infact manipulating us into their own web of lies and deceptions,Using Us infact to keep themselves asleep!
Thats where your fiery-self is most needed,
right in the middle of the snake-pit that people make with their half baked ideas.

Write a recipie for Snake Pie Wizza,
it would be welcome here.
I'm sure everyone would appreciate that!

I reckon the main point to note to yourself is...have you still got your "fiery opinionated self" for when it really does matter...as in, for when YOU need to stand up for YOURSELF and deal with YOUR shit????...if you have then I would say that you are on the right track...but if you can't even pull that self out when you are defending you I think you should give the matter some serious thought.

ive spoken to my sister (who knows me better than anyone) and between us we have come up with a conclusion...i havnt "changed" as such-have just gone back to being "me" - ive stopped fellingn sorry for myself and taking everybodys words to heart. i can and do defend myself when need be but let the little pathetic dramas just slide by....these people who believe i ahve changed have only known me after i was diagnosed with depression so they have never seen me being well "me" (does that makes sence) its frustrating to try explain that to them!!!!

Yea I know what you mean.. its good to hear that your being YOU, depression likes to take that away from us. The only good friends I have now are ones that I found during my early years at school, before depression really got hold of my personality.. also they are the ones that are willing to learn what Im really like and be there for me (however some aren't)

ANYWAYS (again, managing to talk about me) the real you wizza sounds great

A great sister you have there Wizza.

both my mum and sister suffer from depression (they consider mine herderity-very frustrating that i basically woke up 1 day depressed) so i think im pretty lucky in the aspect that they know what im talking about (my older sis on half a/d and is able to work am jealous) =(

Yeah I have heard that depression can be heriditory...(sp? gawd you would think at my age that I would be able to spell!!)