The invisible girl.

I'm fading away. I'm becoming invisible. No, not really – I've been invisible all my life. My parents had 2 daughters, me, and then the baby. I was the “spare one” in the middle. Third of four. I knew my place, and it was nowhere. I crept quietly through childhood, trying desperately not to be noticed. At school I aimed at a B pass in my exams – failing would get definitely noticed, a C was a bare pass, worth notice, and an A would embarrass my older sisters – not acceptable.
When I went to Auckland University, I was one among a thousand accountancy students – nobody would see me in that lot! Except one boy did, and I did the unthinkable – pregnant at 18 would get the neighbours talking, so I was quietly smuggled over to Australia to deliver and give up the baby, then come back as if nothing ever happened. I was forbidden to ever tell anybody, and the topic was never mentioned again. My son is now 30 years old, and only a handful of people on the planet know he exists.
I returned to University, but couldn't handle the stress, and one day I had a blackout, and found myself wandering the streets. I am missing approximately 4 hours of my life, and I have no idea what I did that morning. I dropped out that afternoon, and my parents were so unimpressed I left town, and moved to Wellington. Nobody ever found out it happened.
Public servant accounts clerks are invisible, so I fitted in well. In due course, I met my husband, got married, and eventually had 2 sons, and moved to the provinces.
I have done nothing spectacular in my life, and have pretty much nothing to show for my 49 years on the planet, except 2 sons (and the episode in Australia which never happened.)
Earlier this year, stress started to build up again – an absentee husband on a contract in Australia, living in a new, as yet unfinished house, working in a job I detested, running around after 3 teenager (my 2, and an exchange student). Add in being treated like an invisible doormat, and inevitably the symptoms of a heart attack showed up. I was taken to hospital in an ambulance – twice – only to be told “it's only stress, nothing to worry about, just go home and relax”. Oops, sorry for bothering you Doctor. But the cardiology department decided to put me on heart drugs “just in case”. Beta Blockers can have the side effect of triggering vivid dreams, but nobody warned me I would have no sleep at all for a week, except for psychotic nightmares!
Then something snapped, and I ended up driving to Wellington and attempting suicide. Oops, sorry, mustn't mention that. Needless to say, I didn't succeed, and came home, to be told off by the Mental Health Crisis team. I flushed the remainder of the Beta Blockers down the loo.
That was in August. I have not seen or heard from anyone in the medical profession since then. I ditched my horrid job after the unmentionable episode, and my husband's contract finished, so he's at home full time now.
Fast forward to December.
I can't get a job, so I'm at home, all the time. Hubby is still at home, all the time. School has finished so both boys are at home, all the time. Our place is a 90 square metre (read as tiny) open plan cottage (read as everyone is in one room), and it's so claustrophobic, sometimes I just want to scream. I think I'm going to go mad if I don't get out of here. That's OK, cos I'm mad already.
But there's the other problem. Husband's current contract doesn't pay. And I'm not earning. So now we're completely broke. All credit cards and overdrafts are maxed out, the mortgage is maxed out, so we're at the end.

I have no idea what is going to happen now, but I can feel myself slipping back into whatever triggered my breakdown in August.

None of you know who I am, so I feel safe talking to you on this message board. I can stay invisible, while having someone to talk to. I don't expect anyone to read this, or reply, but that's fine, I'm used to it.

Hi there suems. We may not know who you are hun, but I for one would love to get to know you a little better. Thankyou for sharing your story, I wish I could be of help, but apart from being a listening ear and sending you some hugs, I'm not sure what else to say. Maybe you could take a wee break over the xmas period, somewhere that wont cost. Maybe to a good freinds or a family member. I know in the past when I have been a little over whelmed by goings on, I just take myself off to my sisters with a bottle of wine, stay a couple of nights and then return home feeling a little more relaxed. I'm sure given the ages of the children, they and hubby could manage for a few nights.
Hun a wonder if you could contact your doctor and let he/she know just how hard it is for you at the moment, maybe they could speed track some councilling for you. I'm pleased you are here with us, sometimes just writing it all down helps. Take care sweet, things have a way of working themselves out. Hugs to you, Pam.

Well I read it darling Sue... Oh where do I start with this.

Of course we will reply - we care, you are amazing.

Well done for posting this you are so very brave, invisibility has its place in life and sometimes it is what is needed. It is good that you feel safe here as that is what this site is for. I know what that is like and really rely on the invisibility factor here.

I know what it is like to be at financial 'ends' it is a real stress and not one I like personally. It affects everything.

What type of job are you looking for? Can you secure a temping position?

I agree with peterpam, can you re approach a doctor and certainly writing down 'stuff' here does help - even if you are sitting there with tears down your face.

Please look after yourself, and give us updates, that is what we are here for..

Hello Suems ..... I'm in your neck of the woods - well, New Plymouth. If you'd ever like to go to the lovely Pukekura Park for some 'time-out' - a wander - we could maybe arrange something.

I'm a middle child too. Sending caring thoughts to you ......... Daze

Hi Suems

Did you get thru Christmas? If you did, feeling the way you are, then you are not invisible, you are stronger than you thought you were.

I too have had to let my home go. I too am unemployed. A Registered Mental Health Nurse with depression isn't a good look on the unit. I tended to "empathise" too much with those in my care and told Management to get stuffed. I haven't been able to get a job since, funny that. My wishes for you right now are that which I wish myself, peace and the abillity to find a place that I can fit into. And the realisation that you do
matter, a lot and thanks for telling your story here, it made me feel less lonely. So did the responses it shows that people out there do care.

suems

i dont want to presume too much here but, i can't help feeling that maybe you are still grieving for the child you had to adopt out all those years ago,
denying an emotion such as grief and anger and guilt and all those that surround the loss of a child through adoption can really play havoc on your mental health.
i have adopted out my first baby, and i am quite certain that alot of my problems stem from that experience. my child is 18 yrs old now, and i was not forced to adopt her out, i just felt i had no other choice.
i have a lot of guilt, anger and deep deep grief that i cannot allow to surface for the fear of not being able to survive it.
it comes out in small doses and then i bury it.
it is too deep, too raw, to real.

i have lost loved ones to death
and this is nothing like it
it is a maternal ache, that no other child, or person can relieve.
but,
i know for me that talking about it, acknowledging it, has helped.
the first step for me was to voice it, loud and clear to all those who are around
"i adopted out my baby and i am f*cking sad angry and mad!!"

there is freedom in letting it out

search for some help
lifeline
is great when there is no one else to talk to

i have found some peace, i still have work to do, but the peace i have is enough for now and it is blissful compared to what was.

you are not invisible
you are a mum, there is not a brighter shinning light.
and, you are you
we here see you
you are not invisible

No, definitely not grieving. I know I did the right thing in giving up the baby. What really pisses me off is the attitude of my Mother, who was more worried about that her friends and neighbours may find out, rather than what I may have been feeling.

I had a very quiet Christmas, pretty much a non event really. But we had friends from out of town staying here in their housebus over New Year. I was a bit nervous as this guy was my boyfriend many years ago, before I met my husband. I took a long time to get over being dumped by him, and had a soft spot for him for a very long time. Thankfully all went well - but it was as if he had never met me before! As he and his wife left, he said goodbye and shook my hand - like a stranger.
Maybe being invisible means I am easily forgotten as well. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive. This was, after all, over 25 years ago.

Anyway, I have made a sort of New Years resolution (apart from the one promising to lose 30 spare kilograms which seem to have snuck up on me recently)

I am going to pretend I am happy and normal, and if I can keep it up long enough, it may just come true. As my husband says, there is no point in dwelling on the past - old boyfriends, hidden babies, stress breakdown and attempted suicide. If I act as if they never happened, and do not let it affect me, then I can live a normal life with a future. After all, none of those events officially happened, there are no records ( either medical or legal), and no-one knows about them, so why should I continually remind myself of them?

This of course means I will not be posting on this forum, because I am not depressed, and the only big black dog is the one I may get as a reward for being a good, normal person.

I am not invisible - but am now a shadow, and this year I will concentrate on becoming solid.

Love your intention for the New Year Suems, becoming more assertive and substantial as a human being is good thinking.

I post on here for the moral support and understanding I find here, having experienced much the same as you have yourself, don't go being a stranger to us.

You know what its like and how this feels, maybe you could help someone else.

Well, an update on the latest shock happenings.

ON the 8th, I was raced into hospital with the most unbelievable pain ever experienced (and that comes from someone who waited for 6 hours before surgery in Wellington Hospital with a ruptured appendix!).
It turned out to be a kidney stone - 7x11mm - huge.

They tried to stabilise the pain and waited to see if I would pass the stone (huh! fat chance!), then on Monday night they inserted a stent in my kidney to drain urine and prevent the stone from blocking the kidney.

When I came out of the anaesthetic, the pain was gone completely. Over the next few days I pee'ed gallons, drank gallons, and then I realised everything had changed.

Over Xmas, I had been feeling old, un-needed, irrelevant, random aches and pains from getting old (I'm 49), and generally lost the will to carry on. Since the op I feel better than I have in many months, possibly years. I feel as if a huge fog has lifted from my brain. I can think clearly, I'm looking forward to life, and all my aches and pains have gone.

Better than that, I was so sick in hospital, on a drip and "nil by mouth" that I went through caffeine withdrawal and out the other side - I am now drug free, pain free, coffee free, and 3kg lighter to boot!! (I must have had bad fluid retention too.) My husband is delighted to find that I have even found my long-lost sex drive - it had faded away with the rest of me.

I'm not out of the woods completely, as I am on a waiting list to have the stone laser-blasted, but I feel I have been given my life back - I just hadn't realised it had been stolen by a kidney stone!!

Its as if all the dramas, depression, heart / panic attacks, suicide attempt, were all part of a hidden kidney problem which has finally been fixed. I would not wish kidney stone pain on anyone on this earth, but it almost seems as if the pain was worth it to suddenly get to this new world.

Sorry I'm raving a bit, but I still can't believe it all. Thank you all for helping me get through the past few months, and I hope that you all find a way out of the fog like I have. (although without the kidney stones - that's not nice)

Suems I am so happy for you. Isn't is an amazing feeling to be out the other side. I really hope things have gone along with this kidney problem, you bloody well deserve it! Many hugs,

Haley xXx

Hi Suems I'm pleased for you that you are on the mend and that you are feeling great. I hope it continues to get better and that you are free of that huge kidney stone soon!

Dear Sue ms\
I believe in that stuff.

All the ghastlies in your system were being taken up by the calcium and crystals in your renal calculus.

Its gone and let all your bad fortune go with it.

May god in his heaven bless you and thanks for coming back to tell us.

Hi guys, I'm back! It has been a roller coaster of a time, but now I'm right back where I was when I started this journal.
Update on the kidney stones: I finally had 2 stones (both 11mm) blasted in April last year, after several bladder/kidney infections, return trips to ED to sort out pain relief, and falling off the waiting list twice. (Par for the course for someone who's invisible).
One strange thing that is disturbingly comforting - I ended up with a good supply of pain relief - mostly codeine, which is what I tried in the suicide attempt. Now that I have in my possession the means to end it all, I no longer feel as trapped, and feel a little less panicky about having no means of escape out of my life. I seem to have developed a fatalistic attitude to my life. With all of the disasters around the world (earthquakes, tornadoes, nuclear meltdown etc) I find myself thinking that I wouldn't really mind if I died - then this would finally all be over. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal (at the moment) but I wouldn't mind if I died, and I know I can always escape if I had to. So death is now one more thing I don't need to worry about.

The euphoria after the first kidney surgery was somewhat short-lived. I slowly sank back down. After I quit my horrible job the day after the suicide attempt, I joined the ranks of the unemployed, and at 50, nobody would employ me. So I stayed home all day. My husband and older son both work at home, and we live in a 90sq metre house, all open plan, so there is no escape or privacy.
Husband's computer project was still not paying anything, and the dole is not exactly a luxurious income, so the bills piled up, and we got extremely close to bankruptcy and losing our home.

A couple of months ago, I finally got a full time job - not a huge wage but a lot better than the dole. I'm a tiny cog in a great big wheel, so am back to being invisible again. I hadn't worked full time since my kids were born (now 19 and 16), and it has taken quite a bit to get used to the hours, the getting up early, and the exhaustion in the evenings.

The stress of training on the new job started to get to me and a couple of weeks ago I had a "mini-meltdown". My husband took me back to my doctor, and now I'm starting counselling, and she is considering SSRI medication.

So here I am, back again, pouring out my heart to strangers. And still invisible. And probably about to join the Prozac Nation.

Hi there, great to see you again.

I suppose with this being a journal of sorts, I should keep updating it. I've had one counselling session, which was really only me telling her about the last couple of years, and where I'm at now. I got no real advice other than when I'm getting overwhelmed, I should sit up straight, breathe, and think positive thoughts! The only new thing I found out was that in the referral, my GP said he was considering SSRI medication (despite telling me he didn't want to let me have any medication). I have been reading up on the net, and have found an alternative called 5-HTP I'm trying it out, but don't know if it will make any difference.

I'm starting to feel a little better, but I don't know if that's because someone took the time to sit down and listen to me for the first time ever, (even though she was getting paid to listen), or if this 5-HTP is working. My fear now is that I will go to the next counselling session next week, and she will decide I'm doing fine and discharge me. I'll be OK until the next time. Whenever that may be.

In the meantime, I'll just float along, alone and invisible, as I have done for most of my life. Until the next crisis hits.

Then what?

Well, it sounds like youre not invisible and not floating alone, but that you have your doctor and a counsellor there giving support.

I think sometimes its really hard to stop looking at the same old script that goes on in your head and question the reality of it. Its like being programmed to think a certain thing, and then when other stuff is there that goes against it, you forget to question the original script.

I suppose another update to this journal is required. I don't expect or really need any feedback, but find this useful to keep track of where my thoughts have been going over time. It's been interesting reading back to what I thought was going on back then, and compare it to where I am now. The fact that I still think of myself as part of this forum tells you I am not out of the woods yet.

Nothing much has changed since I last updated this. I have gained a little more weight, got a little bit older, but haven't really moved ahead. I ended up having only 3 sessions with the counsellor, and didn't really get anything of value out of it, apart from going on 5-HTP. I am still on it, and take 100mg morning and night. It must be doing me some good, because every time I decide to stop taking it (it's not cheap) I seem to slip back further down into the black hole.

I wasn't sure what to expect from counselling sessions, but I wasn't impressed. The first session involved me telling her my history, which she didn't seen overly interested in, and the only suggestion she had was that every time I felt overwhelmed, I should "sit up straight, take a deep breath, and wriggle my shoulders." In the second session she suggested I might like to take some time out for myself, so I went away for a weekend which turned out to be a depressing disaster, and in the third session she admitted the only thing she could say was that, given my history, she was impressed that I was coping as well as I was! (I don't call suicide attempts coping well!)

She didn't think that any more sessions would help me, since I was already doing so well. My GP who referred me to her has since resigned and left town, so I can't go back there either.

I'm just floating along now, waiting... waiting for what I sometimes ask myself, but just floating with no goals, no aims, and no discernible future. I am still working at a dead end job - boring and low paid, but better than the dole and it gets me away from the house most days. I'm only a casual, so the work is not steady or predictable, and no chance of improving my situation. My husband is still working from home, and still not getting paid (the project will be finished and start paying real soon - honest!) It's been 4 years since he had a steady income, and I am now the sole income earner of the family. My 20 yr old works for his Dad, and is therefore also earning nothing, but since he considers himself working, will not sign up for the dole. (And of course can't pay board, or even put petrol in the car).

So, here I am, still waiting for something to change. I fear that if I keep on like this, I will go back to what happened when I first started this journal. I hover now somewhere between bankruptcy, madness and fading away altogether.
But occasionally I fantasise about breaking away - walking away to start again. I could support myself in a little rented place on my own, I just can't support 4. Maybe one day I will have enough courage, strength and solidity to be able to say "ENOUGH!", to stop the merry-go-round, and to start again from scratch. one day, but I'm not quite solid enough to do it yet. It's not easy walking away from 28 years of marriage, 2 sons, and a financial situation which can only be saved by Lotto or bankruptcy.

Another update to keep all this straight in my head.

It is now half way through 2012, and nothing has changed. It's strange reading through this journal and realising that I am still in exactly the same position I was in years ago. Still flat broke, still supporting the family alone, still only days off bankruptcy, and still depressed.

I am working fulltime, although only half of it is guaranteed - officially 40 hrs per fortnight, with the other 40 being casual. Husband and older son are still not earning a bean, but thoroughly enjoying what they do. My younger son will be finishing school at the end of this year, and is keen on moving away for tertiary education. He knows I cannot support him, so will have to get part time work to put himself through his course.

We still live in the tiny unfinished house. It sits on 11 acres, which was supposed to be a lifestyle block and income-earning organic farm, but all that has gone now. We live in an extreme wind belt, and 120Km per hour wind is the new normal on a bad day. All of the fruit trees and vege beds have died, because I cannot afford the massive wind protection systems needed to allow anything to grow here. What the wind didn't get, the frost, occasional snow and bloody pukekos have destroyed. I have now officially given up and put all of my gardening/farming equipment in storage (the farm shed blew down), and closed the Organics company down.

Unfortunately, I can't even sell the place. It is now mortgaged for more than it is worth, even if we did manage to find a buyer in the current economy.

I have now devised a plan (which knowing me I will never actually carry out). I work in a large corporate which has hostel accommodation available. I could walk away from everything and start again with nothing (which is more than I have now). My husband can have the farm, the house, and all of the debts that go with it. Not having access to a car would be a pain. I spun out my car last August and did more damage than the old thing was worth, so it got written off, and we used the insurance money to - what, buy a replacement vehicle? Get real, it went on some overdue bills for my husband's business. I currently borrow either my husband's or the kids' car to get to work - depends on who needs to go where. But I could live without a car - the hostel is next door to where I work, and right on the bus route to town.

I am still taking 5HTP, 200mg per day, but is doesn't seem enough any more. It is, to be quite honest, the only thing keeping me employed and married. I made a fundamental mistake the other day, and ran completely out of my pills. It was frightening how fast I went downhill, so it is obviously making a difference, but it is keeping me up to "just sad" instead of "utterly despairing". I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.

Who knows, maybe my next entry in this journal will be from my new address as a single person with no debts!

Keeping this journal has been very strange. It's been a year and a half since I last updated it, and time I had a look at where I am now. Some things have changed dramatically, but others are still the same. I moved into that hostel I mentioned last entry - but only stayed a week. It gave my husband the shock he needed, and he promptly got a real job. Then the biatches at work finally got to me, and I decided my sanity was more important then my job, so I walked out. After 6 months at home, doing various bits and pieces, I got a couple of contract jobs - a few months each. The second one finishes in a couple of weeks. We have, for a short time anyway, got out of the major debts we were in, and the credit cards are paid off for the first time in many years. I'm not looking forward to Easter, when I become unemployed once again.

I still have my 2 kids at home. The 22 yr old left home and got a job and a flat late last year, but neither are working out, so he's moving back in. He has promised to help out on the farm in exchange for food and board, and some pocket money, to tide him over until he goes in to the Army in August (hopefully - he hasn't been accepted yet). And the 19 yr old still has no clue where he's going. He didn't want to leave school so he went back to Year 14 (repeating Year 13 - 7th form) so he could do Scholarship Drama (failed it again). They wouldn't let him stay on, so he finally left at the end of last year. He has a part time job flipping burgers at a fast food joint, and despite saying he wants to go to Drama school in Wellington, has managed to not actually apply for 3 years in a row. He wants to be an actor, but refuses to join any drama groups, or actually do any - well, acting - he spends his time online gaming. Even my husband's job is in trouble. He got downsized, but they kept him on in a lower job; while making him agree to a major pay cut in 2 years time. That comes up in June, and who knows what will happen then.

Funnily enough, I don't feel quite as overwhelmed by it all this time. I have an exit strategy and a time frame. I have a 5 year plan, complete with a Grand Finale. I have convinced myself I can survive another 5 years, or bring the plan forward if I have to.

I figured out that major events happen in my life every 10 years, and the next one is due in 2019, so I am going to pre-empt it. I feel like my life is almost over, and I can look back with some regret that I didn't achieve anything that I had planned when I was a teenager. This is certainly not the life I expected, or wanted. And I will be glad when it's finally over. I feel very old, overweight (no admit it, obese), unfit and unhealthy, broke and going backwards, and with nothing I can look back on with pride, or forward to with excitement. And yes, very invisible.

I find that emotions are pointless, so I have given up on them. I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy. I don't get angry, upset or scared. I don't get enthusiastic or excited, I can't remember the last time I laughed, and I have given up making the effort. After 30 years of marriage, my husband still gets his "conjugal rights", but I don't feel the need to get enthusiastic about it. We never really have any serious conversations, so he has no idea what is going on in my head (if anything).

I seem to be just going through life waiting, and counting down towards the day when I don't have to play this stupid game any more. I don't think this is depression - I just feel completely flat - no highs, no lows, but "normal" seems to be slowly sinking a little every year.

Ho hum, I'll finish this ramble, and add the next entry when something changes (if it ever does)

Time for another update - even though this forum seems to have collapsed into the same sort of invisibility I have. So it feels like home.

In July, my husband decided he didn't like his downsized job and resigned. My 22 yr old son now lives at home, working as a casual labourer a couple of days a fortnight, and playing X-box the rest of the time. My 20 yr old has just resigned from his fabulous job (10 hrs a week) flipping burgers at Burger King. He is addicted to online gaming, so he stays in his room all the time, except when he comes out to eat. He is nocturnal, gaming all night, and going to bed when I get up in the mornings.
So now I work 10 hour days to support all 3 of them. I tend to have a nap when I get home from work, in the hope that someone will have started to make tea before I wake up. My husband got bored, so he has gone to Hamilton to help his sister do up her rental house, including paying for the electrical gear (with MY wages no less).

I made a momentous change today. I am now officially depressed, and have finally been prescribed Citalopram, and sleeping pills. I have a new GP, who does a very good job of pretending to care. She wants me to see a counsellor, but we'll see how that goes.

The other big change is that I have decided to leave the farm We bought an 11 acre block about 7 years ago, and built a small cabin to live in temporarily while we built the big house. That cabin was never properly finished, and we still live in it. Being on the verge of bankruptcy, the big house will never be started, and I doubt if the cabin will ever be finished. We are in a extremely high wind zone, so all my orchard and vege plantings died, the septic tank has failed, the culvert on our only entrance is collapsing, and the paddocks are over-run with rabbits, hares, magpies and possums. I hate this place with a passion, but it is unsaleable in its current condition so I'm stuck here.

I would dearly love to just walk away. Find a small flat somewhere and just support myself. As I have said before (and if you are reading this, you are the only person I have ever told) leaving the planet is on my 5 year plan, but the next 4 and a half years would be more bearable if I could relax when I got home from work, knowing that I could support just ME for a change.

Hopefully going on the meds means that I will soon be strong enough to start to get out of this nightmare, while staying on the planet.

Wait for the next thrilling installment from the Invisible Girl...

Hey Sue .... I am sorry things are hard for you again. This world can seem like a cold and uncaring place at times. I wonder when you say you would like to live alone and support only you if it is a possibility. It sounds to me as though you deserve some YOU time. Your wages ... your small indulgences for you.
I hope things become easier for you. Its good to see you here ... even if I am so late in replying. Take care Sue ... take care of you!

Oh so so glad I checked in tonight. Suems, we are here for you. Im sorry things are so so hard for you. one day at a time for you too at present. slowly and surely. Good you are on meds. they can make us more clearer headed and a bit easier to cope. Sometimes, for myself, I find a friend darn near as much help as a councelor, but definately, do what you need to for you. Look after yourself Sue, and we are still here, although not as often as we all should be maybe.
Ill try to check in more often

Thinking of you. take care.
love Apricot.
xo

Hi Suems

You don't know me I'm new on here, however, I'm writing this as fellow empathic human being. I think it's brilliant that you're working consistantly, if nothing else it gives structure and obviously well needed money. Medication can help to the edge off things to allow you to function a little better and to maybe engage in some therapy. Don't worry too much if the medication doesn't work straight away, either the dose or the medication may not be right for you straight away and may need some adjusting.

Take care
Junkball

In case you missed my latest installment on the Christmas thread, here is the latest update:

I feel like the Grinch stole my Christmas. My "gifts" this year were a brand new Kidney stone, and a very suspicious breast lump!.
Thankfully I went onto Citalopram in October, which turned the lights on in my dark tunnel, but i"m still in the tunnel, and I now think I may be heading for the biggest crash ever.
I went to my GP, who gave me Codeine for the kidney stones, but it's not bad enough yet for a referral to the hospital, and my urgent biopsy request must have got tangled up in the hospital Christmas parties.

For those who don't know my history, I had a major kidney stone attack just after my suicide attempt 4 years ago, both of which got seriously stuffed up by the hospital. And my sister died of breast cancer not long after.

So yes, thank you, I had a lovely relaxing Christmas, and I am looking forward to the New Year with eager anticipation! NOT!!!

When I went onto Citalopram, I felt that a great darkness had been lifted. I'm still in the same shitty situation, my husband and both sons are all still unemployed, and I am still working 10 hour days to support them, but I felt like I was coping much better.

So much better in fact, that at a doctors appointment to check on how the meds are going, I decided to finally get a suspicious breast lump checked out. It had been there for a while, but I was in no state to tell anybody about it (I was very much in denial), so I confessed to my GP, who sent me off for tests. They came back bad enough for her to order an urgent biopsy at the Hospital, but as we all know of the medical system, they appear to have lost it. Or maybe it's just that I'm invisible. I managed to ignore my kidney stone enough that it seems to have stopped niggling at me, but I know it will come back at some point and bite me again.

I got a Christmas Bonus at work, and my husband agreed that I could spend it on ME for a change. I haven't had a holiday in years, so I took the days between Xmas and New Years off, and am now on a week-long holiday all by myself. I live in the Naki, but I am currently in Wellington in a Hotel for a few days, then move up to Palmy for a while. It will be strange being able to please myself for a whole week.

I'll post an update when I get home, and let you know how it went - that is of course if I'm not in hospital.

Latest update on the Invisible Girl and the Grinch. I had a good break, all by myself in a Hotel room where I could just sit and think, and mentally prepare myself for the Roller Coaster I was about to climb aboard. Breast Cancer was confirmed a few days after I got back from my break.
Everything has happened very quickly, and I am now at home recovering from a full mastectomy with Lymph node removal. I am waiting until Thursday, when I hear whether I will be getting Radiation therapy, Chemotherapy, or both.
My life has been turned upside down, back to front and inside out.
Where before I was looking forward to death, I am now staring it in the face, and I'm still not sure what to think.
I am so glad I am on Citalopram, as it is keeping me functioning, and preventing me from falling apart. But at the same time, regretting that I ever mentioned the lump in the first place. I felt perfectly fine when I walked into the hospital for surgery, and am now coping with pain in my arm, shoulder and chest from the surgery, with promise of more horrors to come, not to mention the weirdness of missing a boob!

Being on contract at work, my income stopped the day of my surgery, so now there is no income at all coming into the house. I signed the papers yesterday to claim an advance payout on my life insurance. It's called critical illness insurance, which doesn't sound very positive, does it? but at least we will have something to live on for a while.

My husband has been very supportive through all this, but he is on Citalopram too, so I'm worrying how much more he can take.

I think I will need the help of a psychologist or counsellor to straighten out all the crap running through my head at the moment. I know it's common for cancer patients to get depressed, but imagine what it's like when you're depressed before this even starts?