Im new, and not coping!!!

Not really sure what to say, seems odd talking to strangers but who better to understand than those going through the same thing as i. i have had severe depression for most of my life according to professionals, i was only diagnosed 2 yrs ago tho, since then my marriage has broken up, i'v lost my friends, and my family are sick of my changing moods, i know im hard to deal with sometimes and i hate that about myself which makes me feel even worse, i just wanna know how to deal with all of this when the people i care about are unwilling to try and understand, i isolate myself alot, so i cant lash out at my family, but they get annoyed with me for doing that, i'v tried a billion times to explain this illness to them, taken them to my councillor and psychiatrist to get them to help them to understand, but it always comes back to them saying im having a crazy episode, this makes me feel like what im feeling and going through is just me being stupid, but i know that what i feel and think is real and it is hard!!! and im trying to fight it, and everyday there are minutes when i just want to give up, how am i supposed to get through this wen i have only the support of doctors that i have lost faith in???? anyone have any helpful ideas?

Hello Jazskye .... First off, I'm pleased you've found this site. Welcome - and I hope you find it helpful to be here. We do understand - as the posts on here will verify. When you have a chance, look around the subjects etc. (In your own time, of course).

Family and friends are not always helpful, or seem to realise there is a need for them to educate themselves, to help you. They very often can't meet your need to be understood.

Are there any suppport groups in your area or a Women's Centre?

Others here will come in and be helpful, I'm sure.

Daze

Jazskye chin up it sometimes feels as though you're damned if you do and damned if you dont..we cant win it feels. I had a breaddown last november and while I can cope sometimes I really easily get stressed and annoyed. I hate feeling this way but I cant control it. I agree with daze is there a support group you can go to because its something I"ve learnt with depression is that the worst thing I can do is isolate myself I have to make an effort to get out and socialise.I have found doing circulars has helped .A because it brings in abit of money which is good for my esteem and B the excercise is great C it takes my mind of whatever I may be thinking.

I really hope this is of some use.I know its hard in away to talk to strangers but in away its great in that we do i think support others and in doing so it takes our mind of ourselves.

Oh and welcome

Hey Jazskye

Welcome, as Daze has said. I hope you find what you need here as well!

Anita

Hi Jazskye

Welcome from me too.. it's no fun feeling like you are.. hugs..

I've lost friends too with being unwell - I guess depression is one of those illnesses that if someone hasn't experienced it themselves, they can't really know just how it feels.
In Trademe, a member was asking for suggestions for family.. I posted these in the thread last night - they might be of help for you with helping your family and friends understand what is happening:

I see by your membership name that you're from the Waikato:

http://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/page/118-getting-help+midland-help-services

There's also a depression thread in Trademe, in the Health and Beauty Messageboard.. the link is:

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Community/MessageBoard/Messages.asp
x?id=11943&p=1&topic=0

There's also a book that's written for partners and families by a NZ Psychologist Gwendoline Smith - she's not only worked with people with depression, she's also experienced depression herself - there's one listed here:

Listing #: 306208151
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Books/Nonfiction/Health-Lifestyle/M
ental-health/auction-306208151.htm

and other's here:

http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/SearchResults.aspx?searchTyp
e=0193-&searchString=gwendoline+smith+&type=Search&a
mp;generalSearch_keypresses=17&generalSearch_suggested=0

I hope this helps.. let us know how you get on.. best wishes.. and hugs from someone who understands.. x

Hey,
Thanks for all the replies, good days are still pretty far and few in between, and your right wen you say that no one can truly understand unless they have felt this way... and thanks for the book ideas.

Hi :-)

Nice to see your post.. have been thinking of you since posting earlier.. one of the good parts of being here in this site is that we're not alone.. there's lots of us here..
Take good care and big hugs..

Hay huge hugs to you I know i can't really say anything that will make you feel that much better, but i understand a little about family after a recent stay in hospital my parent turned round to me and said are you ready to work at getting better now i was gutted as it made me sound like i didn't do anything to help myself while you can do a little it is the support of others and the help of your doctors that all work together that get you though so keep going its the hardest thing in the world but we are here.

Hey guys, thanks for the support its kinda weird that strangers are more willing to reach out than my own family, and mumtothree that is exactly how i feel its like i have worked sooo hard to be where i am today, but no matter what i do its never enough for them, they keep saying that the 'old me' isn't back yet, but i don't think i will ever be who i was before this, some days i'm so proud of how far i have come, only to be shut down by the very ppl who are meant to support you the most....
But thank you both its nice knowing there are others out there who understand it makes me feel less crazy haha, big hugs back

Hiya..
I guess it's that we all understand how things can be, that it's easier to support each other, than for someone who hasn't 'been there too' to support us..

I've got to the stage I don't say anything about what things are like to the people who I've learnt won't really hear me.. it's not that they don't want to hear, it's that they have absolutely no experience of how it is, so it's not possible for them to really understand.. and I'm glad that's the case, because that means they don't feel like this too..

And for support, thank goodness for this site and the Trademe depression thread, for giving us all the opportunity to get support, and to give support.. because even reading of how someone else is, helps us to feel a little less alone..

I was thinking recently that I have friends on a number of different levels - the ones who I'll have coffee with and chat about easy things to talk about; the ones that I'll do something with, like go to the beach or something; the ones that will once in a while say, how are you and want to know a little.. and the ones who, when they ask, how are you, really want to know.. and those friends are the ones who have been through hard stuff too, and who I'll ask also, how are you and really want to know..

So there are friends to chat with through to friends who I can uncover some of the hard stuff with.. and I guess it's good that there are the ones to chat with, because if it was always talking about the hard stuff, everything would be much heavier to deal with..

What do you both think..

I was sent this several years ago.. seems it is like this with friends..

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support.
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong-doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk. away..
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realise is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Sometimes we have to let people go, even if we don't want to.
At the time, it's hard to do that.
In retrospect, we can see the reason for the season.
It's all about learning something from someone else.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, is real. And only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons.
Lessons for you to build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation...

You can be inspired to accept the lessons... to love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life..

Take good care.. hugs for you :-)

Hey thanks for that, its pretty cool, and your rite about the friends thing i have only two who i can talk about the hard stuff with but they are great in the respect that i can also just laugh with them so its not all heavy and i think without them i wouldnt have come this far!!! but im really glad i found this place too i didnt think it would help but it is helping... and this is the 'motto' (i guess you could call it that) i try to aim for "Its never too late to be who you mite have been" most days its a real big miss haha but it makes me think of the future and that its not too late to be me, without depression, that somewhere down the road i will beat this!!!
But thank you for the support and hugs back

Hiya Jazskye..

That's an inspiring motto.. thanks for sharing it..

I'm glad you're finding it supportive here - so many of us getting through hard stuff - while still sharing laughter and fun too.. cos depression isn't who we are as people - it's what has happened to us.. thank goodness there's a difference huh!

Take care.. hugs :-)

Hiya Jazskye..

How're you doing? Thinking of you.. hugs..

Hi,
Im still hanging in there, i have a new psychiatrist now who takes me more seriously which helps, the last treated me like i was a stupid child having a tantrum! but i do wonder everyday how so many people can live through this? its soooo hard sometimes!!! but im hanging in there still. thanks for the support though, it also helps alot.

How does anyone get through each day with this stupid illness!!!! Today its taking everything i have inside of me to not do something stupid, sometimes i hurt sooo much i just cant stand it!!!! i am so sick of my parents telling me to suck it up or grow up. i went to see them today because i missed them it took 5 mins and i wished i had never gone, all they focus on these days is the fact that i have a "mental illness" and if i had been stronger i would never have got it, like its some kind of a flu or something. sometimes i want to scream at them that they have no idea what im going through or how hard some days can be!!! why cant they just see that im struggling and be there for me instead of belittling me and telling me i am weak thats why i am this way, i hate them so much on days like this! why do i let them do this?? and i know this post probably makes no sense at all but i just needed to vent i think to stop the build up in my head. I know its not my fault i have depression but they have a way of making me feel like it is and i hate them for that but i hate myself more because i let them do this to me i let them make me feel this way!!!

Hi jazskye ............... I'm wondering if it would be easier just now to have phone contact only (for a wee while) with your parents. Then you have control of the length of call etc and can at any time say something like - I need to go in 5 mins (or something similar) .... I do know what it's is like to want parents to be supportive and understanding - but it's not always possible - my parents were not like they could have been, unfortunately.

Pleased you're finding it helpful to be here with us ............. Daze

Hi Jazskye.. and Hi Daze.. :-) and hugs to you both.. :-)

I'm thinking of you.. just awful that you're experiencing their judgements.. and not helpful at all that that is happening..

This may help for them to know, - depression is caused by chemicals in our brain being used up faster than our body can naturally make them.. and when we're short of those chemicals, depression happens, along with the symptoms that has.

So, just like diabetes causes problems in the body, so does the shortage of those chemicals.. so it's actually a physical thing that happens to be in our brain..

And just like diabetes is helped by medication, good healthy meals, exercise, etc.. so can depression also..

What's the right thing to do when we're unwell? Ask for help.. and make sure we get help.. so you're doing all those good things..

It's hard when we don't have family support.. which gives us a good reason for finding support elsewhere.. including here.. Go US all in the site here!!! :-)

Good for you for reaching out here Jazskye..

Big hugs..

hi im also new to this site but saw you were from Hamilton i was living up there at the begin of the year when i was diagnosed and found centere 401 helpful they have depression support group that meets the last Wednesday of the mouth at 7.30 i found that group really supportive. its run spearte from the centre but they have the information bout it. hope things are going okay today.

Thanks guys Daze how did you deal with your parents being that way, i try to get past it and tell myself that i can do this without them, but i always come back to the fact that they are my parents they gave me life and raised me why cant they then accept me and support me?? it hurts like hell!!! i know ive come this far without their help i just think it would be easier if i could turn to them, but since i am unable to i need help to get past the wishing i could!!
and thanks littlestar i've looked it up i mite go check it out and another big thank you to you books your support means alot and i dont even know anything about you nor you me but you keep reaching out with support, it means alot.

Hi Jazskye ..... I can remember saying to my therapist at some stage 'I crave my parents understanding and support, but I can't have it' ... she just gently shook her head and said ' your parents can't meet those needs for you ' ............ I tried to share what I was learning with my mother but I could tell she didn't know why I needed to have counselling .... she decided that all the problems were to do with my first husband!! I had divorced him years before!!, but I realise now what denial and projection are.

I didn't see as much of my mother in her later years as I'd have liked but I always kept in touch - we didn't talk about the things that were really important to me. I did try.

My parents are dead now. It took me a long time to get through the grief but I had started grieving for them long before they died. Some of the grief was for the parents they couldn't be. Does that make sense?????

I started to re-parent myself ..... and got in touch with my 'inner child' ... my understanding is that it is the 'child' who craves the parent's support and nurturing. Hope that is all helpful! .................. Daze

oh yes it makes sense. I'm nearly 50 and I still need my parents approval and validation as much as ever. Fortunately while they were both rather moved and sad when I told them I was finally on meds, they were understanding, like they were relieved that I had done it. I dont talk to Dad about any of this, and having told mum I now feel like I dont need to keep talking to her about it, but then my depression is pretty mild, and I dont need their support so much now that I have it under control.

Our parents are who they are. If they dont have experience of depression it must be hard for them to know how to support us. There are other people out there that can do that.. keep looking..

hugs
Donna

Thanks daze, that does make a lot of sense, i've been through the inner child thing with my councilor, and it makes sense, but i think my emotions about what i would like from them gets in the way, i guess i will eventually make peace with myself about them... My councilor says i have to begin to forgive them, and myself, easier said than done tho...

something I learned at Landmark education: forgiving is not forgetting.

You can forgive them so that you can move on. Holding on to the pain is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. It does you more damage than it does them.

So please for your sake try to forgive them.

At that course I heard a story about a mother and daughter who forgave someone that committed a crime against both of them. They went to the prison to see him and both of them said to him that they forgave him.
He has to still live with what he had done, but they let it go and moved on.

Hi Jazskye..

I've been thinking of you.. how are you?

Re forgiving.. I've really struggled with that.. and writing those words, realise that I can change it from 'I really struggle with that' - current tense, as I realise I don't struggle with it anymore.. yay.. your thread has given me that knowing.. thanks..

For me, letting go is the most important.. with regard to my parents - one dead and the other I'm not in contact with by my choice - to forgive them is like saying 'it's ok what you did' - when their behaviour's - over a really long time - 22 years - were not and are not ok..

So I've chosen to let it go.. to leave the energy of their choices with them both - they chose their paths, behaving as they did, not just once.. they kept repeating those choices.. - and for me, letting it go, means I can step away from that energy and those choices they made..

Does that mean those things don't affect me? No, though I work hard to make changes in myself that help with that.. I do understand there will always be reminders and triggers.. it's how I learn to deal with those that makes the difference to how I feel and how my life goes and how I am..

Take care huh.. hugs.. x

The rational part of me can stand back and see that the way my parents treat me, have treated me and will continue to treat me will never change and that only i can change the situation, but i guess the little girl inside of me just wants her parents to love her.
I've been walking round in a bit of a daze these last few days, or maybe indifferent is a better word, just kinda going through the motions of each day with no feeling just existing.
The thing is i owe my parents a substantial amount of money (a mistake i made a few years ago), which they have decided to call in now so im making payments that are over half of what i earn and i have a mortgage etc to pay, i've tried talking to them about making the payments less because im struggling to pay for everything, their response was to tell me how offended they were that i would even ask such a thing, it turned into a big fight and i asked if they gave a stuff about my well-being at all to which i was met with silence!

So maybe im stupid for agreeing to the high payments to begin with but something about my mother just makes me give in, but i realise now i will never live up to her standards!! I also think that before i can even think about starting to forgive them i need to get away from them i will never get better while they are around always kicking me when im down. And while i have come to this realisation on my own its still a big slap in the face that really hurts like hell!!!

So thats been me for the last few days and maybe a few more to come, just till i feel strong enough to deal with this once and for all.