talkin bout my situation

"The simple truth is, not all of us become the men we once thought we might be"
A line from the movie "Master and Commander" that pretty well sums up my life.
No Career, no family, no children, no permanent home.
It's very disappointing, best I can do is to lower my expectations.
I'm emotionally fragile and socially crippled.
I was medicated for my teen years and most of my adult life, if I can blame anything outside my own choices for my current circumstances, being doped up to the eyeballs just so I could cope with the crazy time that is adolescence was a huge mistake.
I am a small burden on society in that I cannot make my own way with support from the government, in any other country I would likely be dead.
Without responsibilities, I no longer care what happens from now on, live or die does not matter.

how old are you?

49

BUMP!
It sure is quiet here of late, such is the nature of popularity and the internet, users move on if nothing new appears. Its like your 15 minutes of fame that we all get.
I wonder how much longer I've got ? I get the feeling I could linger on for another 30 years like this, not a pleasant prospect.
Am I really sick or am I just UN-discplined ? This is a question that irks me quite simply because I would love to be a stronger person than I am. Evidence, and by that I mean the reactions of others to me plus my own experience when placed under pressure suggests that I am not very capable of dealing with day to day issues of existence. And those issues seem to have seriously multiplied lately.
I have become bitter and envious of others' success, not an attractive quality even to me. Funny thing is, it is an automatic response despite my being aware of how damaging such an attitude can be.
Nothing is very much fun anymore. It wasn't all that great when I was being social, never felt very comfortable, now there seems no point.
Being aware of the consequences of staying this course is not enough to dissuade me from it, as I seek a path that will cut my life short in a natural way because, to me suicide is a sin (there I said it).
I snapped once long ago. All the emotions bubbling away underneath exploded after a small insult (straw breaking the camels back) and I lost all control for a moment. It was violent and injured a teacher, not seriously but it showed me what can happen when people get pushed too far. I keep a tight reign on it now, not a strong person these days so no real threat, and avoid confrontation as much as possible.
So back to the first question. What should I reasonably be expected to do given my past, excessive medication throughout my developmental years and an attitude that quite frankly stinks. Worse still I can't just change it.

are you still around deathsoonplease? would like to talk to you if you are. i havent been here in a while n just decided to check in tonight. hope this finds you well and that your still with the living

"Suicide does not end the chances of life getting any worse, it does eliminate the possibility of it getting better"

So whats left...endurance..put up with it.
Today is not a good day, why I don't really know. Its no different from yesterday. Everything is in the too hard basket today.
Part of me thinks, this is just some kind of pity party bullshit! I would beat myself with a stick until I pulled my socks up. Life aint easy! but is it meant to feel like this, I don't think so...If it is meant to feel like this and I just have too high expectations then it's my weakness. Or do I just think too much. You see all I have to go on is my reality, my internal responses, and they say there is determinately something wrong.