General frustrated venting stuff.

First post here- thanks to Paddy for making this place, just using it to vent a bit and sort issues k

Argh. Been bloody tearing up all day cause angry/ frustrated and just feeling useless and isolated. Financial problems and situational factors really just making me depressed again- getting it out seems to help.
On holiday off uni at the moment, at parents house out in the country. No money, rely on student loan living costs cause can't get work income info from Dad to approve student allowance, and means I can't get student hardship (holiday benefit), so am on my last $8 until mid Feb when uni starts again. Had to quit my last job in October cause uni was stressing me out then with 8am-5pm classes/placements and clashing classes in conjoint degree meaning more study to catch up on with exams looming, so couldn't save much, what with rent at crazy high prices up in Auckland. Miss having workmates to joke with, kind of enforced people contact that kept me sane, happy. Can't get a new job cause not near Auckland anymore (in the Waikato now) plus no mode of transport to get anywhere- last bicycle got stolen at the start of the year, no car or money for gas anyway.

About 5-6km from the nearest town, so walk there at least once a week- only so much you can do there with no money, and it's small, only the one main shopping st and some small gardens. Around 34 km from city, so don't walk there.
I walk when I'm upset, and it helps- but here there are no sidewalks here, and relatively busy roads- also only have one pair of jandals and a pair of sneakers. Wear the jandals cause the weathers good, but have several prickle splinters now embedded in feet, and keep walking in hidden pothole things which is not nice for my knees- both been dislocated before and are a bit dodgy. Stood on a chestnut spiky shell this morning, and several spikes went right through my foam jandals. Should use the sneakers I guess, but they aren't the most comfortable and have blisters from the occasions I do.

Can cadge a ride to town from my mum occasionally, but it's only when she want's, don't want to waste gas on a useless student who isn't contributing. I know it might be childish, but get so frustrated that I have to be dependent, can't do anything much without approval of parents and can't go anywhere past where I can walk unless they are already heading there or I can convince them to go there. I don't know anyone in the Waikato so feel cut off- not much of a people person anyways, but at least in Auckland I do have a few people I can call friend (though most not so well I would call them up or keep contact with after uni, with the few I would being off overseas or busy with jobs), and there I have access to places and the library, museums and interesting stuff that distracts me when I feel down. Holding out for uni. Hate sitting inside when it's sunny. Just no where to go. Even meals- I've gained 3kg since coming on holiday, combination of not enough exercise and overeating. I love my mum, but she is so set on having regular meals it's like I'm a child again- she'll cook nice stuff too, not the baked beans on stale bread I'm used to, so I'll eat it even when I'm not hungry. I've had longrunning issues with food and eating disorders before, this is not helping. Just not motivated to exercise, especially when the option isn't as readily available.

I try to be grateful, help out where I can, clean and listen to music, but just feel trapped, cabin fever. Guess losing sleep is not helping- can't be bothered to go to sleep till after midnight, and then when I do I'm thinking about stuff I have to do- uncertainty about uni as emailing my coordinator to organise reshuffling of schedule so still have to pick papers for semester, but she's probably on holiday and so am going to have to wait for her reply, which could mean a year extra to my degree. Need to do some additional research/ sorting of volunteers for projects in semester one of next year (probably still happening, not emailing about that particular paper) which I am putting off (don't think people would be happy to be bothered on holidays at the moment anyway, but making me nervous as I should have gotten it sorted in November, was feeling really down then after quitting job and very good at postponing stuff...). Wake up when the bloody roosters start going off before 6am though, and can't really sleep in anyway otherwise could miss a ride into town if mums decided to go shopping that morning. Get grouchy and more easily frustrated when little sleep.

Argh, lunchtime, gotta go. Bleh. Just general bleh here anyways, so not expecting replies but feel free to comment if you want, will probably add more later. Feels better to have gotten that out yeah. Cheers.