Hello everybody =)

Hello - I'm Jase, I'm a 25yr old student/IT guy.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in Nov '10 as work pressures had triggered some very up and down moods over a few weeks which lead to my being taken off a couple of projects. Work paid for me to see a psychiatrist, who promptly prescribed me with Queatapel (Quetiapine). This turned me into a zombie - I had no emotion and no motivation. I just lay on the couch all day. So I stopped taking them. A couple of changes in my lifestyle seemed to help but I have been vaguely up and down since then... getting worse now I think. I get hypomanic quite easily (a little too much caffeine or one too many beers/wines), which is all good when I'm riding high - until I get a bit too outrageous and do some socially unacceptable things... The other kind of hypomanic I get is the irritability (what I am struggling with lately), especially in the mornings. An incident on Saturday morning is what led me to find this site today - I got very irritated and swore at a customer who called me in the early morning (I was on call, supposed to be 8am-midnight, this customer called at 7am, they didn't know as they would usually go through a call centre but they had been given a direct number). Also I'll get to work in a reasonably level mood but it will take very little to trigger feelings of rage (especially from a particular co-worker).

I know that when I am level I can take most things in my stride, the problem seems to be that there is always an unwanted emotional reaction which triggers massive mood swings. Smoking pot keeps me level, but also tends to trigger depression (or escalates it - I am starting to realise that I am probably depressed most of the time as I rarely feel energised, truly happy, and motivated outside of a hypomanic incident). It also makes me antisocial (never used to) - I tend to sit on my computer in room, door shut, as soon as I get home and all weekend. Usually I am the type of person to get out and socialise/exercise/do SOMETHING meaningful. Now I am always looking for an excuse not to do something, and I feel I am losing good friends because of it. I have so many things I want to do/study yet my total lack of motivation means I end up distracting myself on the internet with things that are not really helpful right now. I've always struggled to finish what I start, and perhaps this is getting worse since the bipolar reared its ugly head (I do wonder if ADD is a co-morbid of mine).

I hate feeling like I'm pulling "the mental health card" - my conditioning/upbringing/social environment has ingrained into me that ANYTHING can be sorted by mind-over-matter; I just need to stop being lazy and get on with it - be a man and all that jazz. Maybe I am just lazy and these are the symptoms of an under-utilised mind (much like how a dog will go nuts and attack its shadow if it is left cooped up for too long). I still have quite a bit of Quetapel... I am considering starting it again at a very low dosage and quitting pot entirely - the psychiatrist had told me to quit as it would affect the meds... I ignored him (of course he's going to tell me to stop smoking! I knew he would! He just doesn't know what he's talking about!).

Sorry about the novel of a post :/

welcome to the group Jase,
and thanks for the novel.

it sounds like you're really beginning to know yourself - which is good. try not to overanalyse things too much (it never works out well for anyone).

i personally beleive that pot affects too many people in ways they don't realise, and if you can drop that for awhile maybe you'll see something you didnt see before.

keep talking, we're all here for you

I def overanalyse haha. Probably my biggest weakness.

Thats the hardest thing I have to come to terms with when smoking pot - I reckon its helping but I've been smoking every day since probably early '08. I need to flush it out and see what happens eh.

Today is day one of pot sobriety (which will make it general sobriety... I've already shunned alcohol - I get waaaaaay too manic).

over analysis is not a weakness.... it's actually quite a good strength, just better applied to anything other than yourself.

day one of pot sobriety - congratulations, that in itself is a milestone that many cannot reach. well done.

i smoked it once, i was 29 before i decided i would give it a go. for days later, i felt like i wanted to do it again and again. i didn't... but i could certainly feel the pull and i didnt have a 'good reason not to' other than deep down, i knew i didn't really want to.

let this be your sounding board... keep coming back and updating us

Hi Acejase,

How's things?

Scamp