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Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Fri Aug 31, 2012 5:22 am

Hey guys. I'm wanting to find support, and it's good a place like this exists.

I've suffered from depression most of my life. I'm 25 now. At the start of this year I had an experience with depression again, which made me fail uni and drop down to part-time study for the second half of this year.

I always wanted to get into writing when I was a teenager (before I became depressed). Now I'm 25 I finally wrote something and did something with it. It was published in the Massey uni magazine if anyone wants to hear me put my experience and honest feelings of depression into words so others can understand me and depression. (Hmm. I can't post the links on here because I'm a new member Neutral Let me know if you want to read through it.) I'm wanting to grow myself from here and manage my life, as well as use that writing to support others, if it can in any way.

Aspergers syndrome is another thing I'm wanting to find support with, as my Dad very likely has this - even though he's never been diagnosed. It was messed up growing up with a father like that and it has affected me a lot, mostly in not learning social things that others would've learnt from family and friends when they were young. Basically, only this and last year, I've had to force myself into uncomfortable social situations over and over again no matter how hard they were in order to learn basic social rules that I find all my friends took for granted - just because I never picked them up at home. The area this hurts the most in is with girlfriends. As if I let a girl close to me and share my life with her, it turns her off when she finds out how much I don't know about human behaviour. I don't have aspergers myself, but I've been called a kid by a few girls for not getting simple social things that I should really have known by my age but I'm only learning now when someone directly points it out to me. It's strange. I want to do some writing on aspergers some day as well.

See you guys around Smile

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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Fri Sep 07, 2012 11:36 pm

Hi Max... Yes it is great to have this website... Good on you for writing and getting your work published. No it is never to late and depression doesn't have to stop you from doing more... It may make it harder but worthwile in the end...... You want to learn more social skills that you didn't learn as a kid... Remember you can google anything and the answers will be there and yes we can change our values if we really want too........
Go the writing and I look forward to hearing about your new exploits.

R
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Re: Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Mon Sep 10, 2012 12:28 am

Thanks. I'll read around this site a bit.

There's worlds apart between googling something or reading about something, and applying it in real life or turning it into habit etc. But yea that shouldn't stop someone from going anything like trying to change my values etc - like you said it is never too late.

Decided to post up my writing - http://thebigblackdog.forumotion.net/t2649-reality-on-depression#20677

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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Wed Sep 12, 2012 12:38 am

Good morning Max, I have read your accounts twice. I need to do that due to the fact I suffer from dyslexia. Damn those who changed me over from left to right hand when I started school. It was the norm to do that in the 40s....Your accounts were soooooo heartfelt and so much of them I could fully relate to. Being a mother myself I could even feel for your mother who obviously didn't have a clue how to handle your situation when you questioned her. I look back now and wish I had the knowledge to help my children when they were tackling fragile situations. Maybe it was because I was fragile in my own right too. I'll give you a veeeery brief run down on my situation in the hope you will realize why I understand,
Father left when I was 18 months and didn't have any participation in my life.
Mother remarried when I was five, lovely man who was totally dominated by my bitter Mother, as was I
A middle class home where alcohol played a dominant roll.
Mother didn't cope one iota when I reached puberty. She expected me to be her little clone and I didn't want to be like her. I didn't respect her values...
No brothers or sisters to confer with, nor cousins for that matter as my mother's family fought like kilkarney cats, didn't make friends easily as I didn't think I was worthy of their friendship.
Married young to my first love... He decided after 10 years and 5 children later a new young model was what he wanted. At one stage they told me I was sick and needed psychiatric treatment when I told her I didn't want her in my home....Prior to that his favourite saying was, "You are a sick bitch."
Never thought in a million years any man would want to marry me, what with 5 children and heaps of baggage. Wrong. I met a lovely man, we had similar hobbies (ie Motor racing) and some 30 years later he is still as supportive as he was from day one. I'm not talking about a dream ride as there have been probs along the way however his steadfastness has been the glue we needed...
I look at my childhood photos and all I see is one depressed little girl, which is still living with me to this very day. However after a major health crisis in 2008 everything came to a head, the realization I am and have been for what seems forever a depression/anxiety sufferer. The recent counselling and medication seems to be helping enormously, however in saying that life still throw up scraps. I am sorry this post sounds all about me... it is not in as much as I wanted you to understand I do have knowledge where you are at and I am sending you huge positive vibes. There will be someone out there for you Max and they will probably appear from a very unlikely situation.
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Re: Hey

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Fri Sep 14, 2012 11:36 pm

welcome to the group Max
i love your positivity and the goals you have.

i too like to find ways that i can help people with my own experiences - kinda makes it all worthwhile in the end.

i hope you stick around and find some useful advice, good friends and welcome support here Smile

as for the girls - it may be that you have some social skills to learn, but that isn't your fault, and your'e working on it. my reply to them would be that they should learn some manners, and how to understand people - one is NEVER too old to learn (about anything)
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Re: Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Wed Sep 19, 2012 2:17 am

Thanks.

Also thanks for sharing your story Robynrose.

Makes me feel less alone and more understood. I think those feelings - of feeling alone and not understood, probably compounded in the case of depression, but seem to be present in most mental illnesses, are one of the most difficult things about mental illness. Something that a group like this is good for.

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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Wed Sep 19, 2012 5:07 am

It is a bugger Max, sometimes it disappears then voila it comes back again. Unfortunately we have to work at pushing away the negative thoughts. I don't know if you watched Campbell live last night??John interviewed the parents of Scott Guy. They were such an inspiration to me and others I know who saw it. They talked about 2 wolves inside them, the good and the evil. and how they worked at pushing away the evil....how hard it is to do sometimes but soooooo worthwhile when they did it. Thank God for people in this world like them to show us the way.....Ta for your message and keep up the good work.....

Robyn
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Re: Hey

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Tue Sep 25, 2012 7:15 am

what you guys been up to lately??
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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Tue Sep 25, 2012 8:18 am

Hi Fluffy Ducks, Luv your cat!! We've had quite a busy time and I do busy well...Sometimes crash at the end of it though... Sold our Camper Van last week. Yay!! It went to Hamilton. Chap knocked at the door asking if it was still for sale. We had it booked in to the Paeroa Van Sale on the weekend but didn't need to go there. Getting it cleaned and groomed chewed up some time...I have just finished a quilt and made a card for Grandson and his fiance's wedding which is on the 20th Oct. It is being held at Woodlands. It will be nice to catch up with all the family, grandchildren etc.... I'm doing a miniature cross stitch at the mo. I find it helps if I'm feeling agitated or if I'm itchy which happens if I eat too much wheat. Really miss toast and marmalade. Daren't do dairy either...GGGrrrrrrrrrrrr. Concentrating on the work takes my mind away from myself, sort of like meditation. We are going over to Hahei probably on Thursday to catch up with some friends who have come down from northland to baby sit grandchildren. Only for the day as I'm not too flash at going away.
I hope everyone out there is in a good place at the mo. The sun is starting to shine and hopefully warmer weather is on its way.

Hugs to all
Robyn
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Re: Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Tue Sep 25, 2012 1:34 pm

Thanks that 2 wolves analogy makes a lot of sense to me.

On food, have you looked into the paleo diet? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paleolithic_diet Basically it's the idea of eating fresh, non-processed food. Thought about mentioning it because wheat and diary are in that category of being unhealthy in this model, so it may benefit you.

This is me being a fitness geek Smile I'm a sports student so I'm surrounded by this sort of stuff.

The foundation of paleo diet is that we evolved over tens of thousands of year, but we've only been eating our modern diet for a few hundred years, or so. And since evolution is a very slow process, our bodies have not caught up to what we're putting into them. Thus processed food is not healthy for what our bodies optimally function on. I don't do it fully myself, but I will at some point. I have friends from the fitness and sporting world that are very into it and I've watched them change since following it. It's interesting watching the science coming out now that either supports or attacks it.

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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Tue Sep 25, 2012 9:12 pm

Max thanks for the website on the paleo diet... I have considered going there for some time now and I will definitely look into it seriously. Anything to assist how my wretched body feels a lot of the time. I had a whipples operation in 1997, probably won't mean much to you however my Dr is totally amazed that I am still on this planet and most of the time functioning well... That is despite a lot of pain and discomfort. Most of the time I handle it well and others, um, not so good. They usually give people a life span in months post op. Not this pig headed bird. cheers To top it all off had major bowel surgery in 2008 and that was after some incompetent Dr suggested the pains I was getting were caused through worms. What a Face Yikes. Really thought I was a nut case and didn't do anything more about it for 5 years.GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRR,,,,,, SOOOOOO nearly didn't make that operation but you can't kill weeds. I feel really good as I write this post as it reminds me I have the guts to climb most hurdles put in front of me and the black dog isn't going to be the ruination of me.....

How are you going Max??? Good to see the sun and with daylight saving starting on the weekend that can lift the spirits. I hope that is the case for you... I do hope you are getting out and socializing??. A bit rich coming from me as I do tend to be a home hugger.....

Cheers
Robyn
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Re: Hey

Post by Robynrose on Tue Sep 25, 2012 9:20 pm

I found this on facebook and thought it worthy of posting.

We all are perfectly imperfect in some way.
Accept you for all of you, for it is when you acknowledge
your darker side that your light can slowly but
surely shine through. ♥

Cheers R
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My two cent's worth

Post by Scamp on Fri Sep 28, 2012 6:24 am

Hi Max,

I read your article and various posts. You sound like you are going through what I went through except I didn't have a girl to blame anything on.

My prognosis is to live with it. Just be yourself not what you think you should be. You might meet someone you can just be yourself with. You can't change your nature. It's like a physical deformity; they can't be patched up either.

If you like writing then write. Look at all the time and energy you will have.

You will probably feel lonely but that is only if you think you need to find a soul mate. Many hearts have been dashed on rocks.

I wouldn't hold my hopes out to be a manager. You might but you probably won't. If you are fortunate though to get a job then you will have to follow procedures and report to manager. Everyone has to report to someone. You should have already learnt the chain of command concept in Business Principals 101.

If you have Asperger Syndrome then I suggest you put your head down, study, get good marks, go onto post graduate studies and into research. Business is for people who have little aspirations and tend to be more social if you know what I mean. That is the mistake I made and it's too late for me.

You probably know about Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs and understand why you need social contact. That is a theory but not a law.

What academic field are you really interested in?
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Scamp

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Re: Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Sat Sep 29, 2012 6:45 am

Cheers. Yep I've been getting out more Smile And yea love writing. Will need to do some more. It's a difficult work to do as I need to phase out distractions. So it's often easier at some ridiculous hour of the morning to do anything creative like that.

A bit limiting in your reply Scrap. I tend to have big goals... which to be honest is something that does lead me into becoing depressed when I can't achieve them. Management does fascinate me Smile . I'm quite a shy guy, but the type of big-picture, long-term, seeing systems thinking that typifies something like management really appeals to me. I'm already on the board of a non-profit, and am starting a small business with a few friends. Oh and just won an award for the writing I did from the Aotearoa Student Press Association. Runner up for best feature. So that was amazing to see other journalists and writers giving me praise on my guts of telling that story I love you

Was talking with my counselor about aspergers syndrome. I likely don't have it. What is likely is that growing up I modeled traits and beliefs of it off of my dad. Like as a teenager I remember being in trouble with a teacher once and her telling me to look her in the eye when I talked so she could tell I wasn't lying. I wasn't lying, but that was the first time in my life I realised I had the habit of not looking people in the eye, which is something associated with aspergers. I do it normally now, after having to force myself to develop the habit. So it's little things like that associated with aspergers that I most likely just learnt as a child thinking it was how everyone interacted as I always saw my father interacting that way. ...So at this point in life, some of my journey is trying to figure out what I was raised with that was part of aspergers and need to disregard, and what I was raised with that is beneficial to me.

Sounds like you're really determined and positive Robynrose Smile

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Re: Hey

Post by Scamp on Sun Sep 30, 2012 9:36 am

Hi Max,

Seeing your heart is in writing my advice is to pursue a career in the humanities, like teaching or journalism, and steer away from management. Switch to an arts degree and then do a vocational post-grad or do honours if you want to pursue an academic career. There's a good chance you'll be disappointed in management. Youíll probably have to go into the public sector. I might be wrong. Why not explain to me why you should stick with management. Do you know any managers?

Self-discipline is important. Too many people sacrifice long-term goals for short-term rewards. Long-term studies have proven that people who have good self-control have with well-balanced lives. I can provide more details if you are interested.

Iím referring to you being on the board for a non-profit organisation and starting a small business. Wonít they impact on your studies?

Sleep is important too. Check out my other posts for what I have to say about that.

Asperger's syndrome can be good and bad. There are many good writers who have Asperger's. Don't be too concerned about being tagged with that. If it's your nature then you can't change it.

I can see your counsellor saying that you model your behaviour on your parents' behaviour. You'll change as you spend less time with them. Try to be a little forgiving on them and yourself. Being bitter and twisted is not good at all.

My advice, as far as looking at people in the eye, is to look between the eyes. Sort of broaden your scope and take in their whole face if you know what I mean. That's what I do and I feel quite relaxed and less intense.

Take care.
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Re: Hey

Post by Max.Bathos on Wed Oct 17, 2012 3:55 am

Hey Scamp. I appreciate the questions. They make me think.

Scamp wrote:Why not explain to me why you should stick with management. Do you know any managers?
Yea I know a few behind small-sized businesses. Getting to know more and learn from them is something I'd love to do, and need to do. I have no background in business, so it's a new world to me right now, but it's fascinating. I want to stick with management, or at least business studies, because I want to make things happen, and that needs an organisation behind it. I'm probably not going to end up on the front line doing management with people; I prefer the bigger picture and writing and etc. Majoring in marketing is something I'm considering.

Scamp wrote:Self-discipline is important. Too many people sacrifice long-term goals for short-term rewards. Long-term studies have proven that people who have good self-control have with well-balanced lives. I can provide more details if you are interested.
I fully agree. It's like with the marshmallow test, right? The one where children where left alone in a room with a marshmallow on the table in front of them and told that if they waited until the adult came back they'd get two marshmallows. Some children were able to hold out, and some ate it, knowing they were sacrificing another marshmallow in the future. Is that along the lines of what you mean? I'd like to hear your thoughts. I read Emotional Intelligence a few years ago, which is basically about these skills of self-discipline, not getting overwhelemed, etc... from what I remember. I want to read it again now to get more out of it. Good book.

Scamp wrote:Iím referring to you being on the board for a non-profit organisation and starting a small business. Wonít they impact on your studies?
I see it as the practical side of my studies. I find uni often too detached, too theoretical and just reading text-books and taking tests and whatnot and not putting any of it into any real practice.

Scamp wrote:Asperger's syndrome can be good and bad. There are many good writers who have Asperger's. Don't be too concerned about being tagged with that. If it's your nature then you can't change it.
I'm sure I don't have aspergers now. I was watching a video of me talking, and I interact normally - that's pretty clear. It's in my head that I don't think I am getting on well socially. This likely comes down to being raised with a parent with aspergers so I might have picked up on the beliefs etc of aspergers... ie feeling like i can't understand anyone, and feeling misunderstood, and so on.

Do you have experience with aspergers yourself?

Scamp wrote:I can see your counsellor saying that you model your behaviour on your parents' behaviour. You'll change as you spend less time with them. Try to be a little forgiving on them and yourself. Being bitter and twisted is not good at all.
Thanks man.

Max.Bathos

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Re: Hey

Post by Scamp on Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:50 am

Hi Max,

Yes, I was referring to what is sometimes referred to as the marshmallow test. The study identified natural self-control as a trait for a well-balanced life. We can discuss this further if you like.

It's good to want to put theory into practice. Just don't let extracurricular activities jeopardise your degree.

I have only had direct experience with one person who has been confirmed with Asperger's syndrome: the son of a woman I know. I have only talked with him once or twice. He seems quite content living a solitary life as a self-employed gardener. His mother's concern and all the counselling can't seem to change him. Despite him being well into his 30s and still living at home he is fortunate enough to not have to rely his work to support himself. Neither does he have seem to have social contacts or dependants. His life would be sheer misery if he had to look after himself. We can discuss this further too if you like.

Scamp
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