Michelle's Journal

by Dolphingurl Mon Oct 26, 2009 5:08 am

This is a journal about me. How it all started.

I was 18 when i was first diagnosed with Bi polar. I was put onto arpoax and epilim and a sleeping tablet too.
I was on the meds for several years, I went off them cold turkey not long after i met hubby. It worked for a few years. Then i relapsed big time
and ended up back on medication. This time i'm on citalopram and epilim.

When i was 21 i was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. That ended up being complete untruth. I want to get into cognetive behavioral
theorapy.

by Dolphingurl Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:30 am

It wasn't multiple personality disorder it was borderline personality disorder, i could never remember the name of it.
But i was diganosed with that by psych emergency when i was 21. But Drs said they were wrong.

It all started after my nana died when i was 16, it sent me into deep depression, i stopped eating properly, I was forever cutting on myself, was forever threatening to take my own life, and hated the world and myself. When i was 18 i was put into the mental health system, and they did a psychiatric assessement on me to see if they could get me help. They wanted to put me into one of those flats where i would get supervision when ever i needed it, but it never ended up that way. When i was 19 i moved out of home and into nelson city to get away from an abusive boyfriend. I had a lady that came in to do my housework for me, cause i was often too depressed to do it myself. She was lovely. That only lasted for about 6 months. When i was 21 mum and dad couldn't handle me anymore so they put me in a place in takaka callled te whare mahana. It was ok to begin with. I was in a house with about 9 others and we all got along, and had art classes, and other cool stuff. Then after 2 weeks they put me into a house around the corner with a member that i didn't know. I iscolated myself and attempted suicide. They took me to hospital and stitched me up and put me back into the large house with the others for a week or so, then kicked me out again and put me into another house with some guys i did know, i did a little bit better but not much, i'd been in there almost a year when i'd had enuf and mum and dad came to collect me and bring me home, and when they did, they realised they should never have put me in there. When we got home i stayed with my parents for a few months and then started to go into the city once or twice a week. I joined a place called the white house in nelson which was a drop in centre for people with mental illnesses. We would do 3 hour shifts once or twice a week just to keep the place running and would get vouchers for food or petrol or other stuff for what we needed for doing it. I loved there, i even celebrated my 23rd birthday there and had a massive party. When we left nelson to come home to chch, we had a going away party there too. I still miss the people that are there to this day, wishing i could go back. It was the only place i felt wanted andsafe. So there you have it, just a little bit about me and how my depression came to be. If you would like to know more, please ask.

by Dolphingurl Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:25 pm

I got my period today, i'm tired and can't be stuffed doing anything. We got a new entertainment unit today, its nice but its taking so long to put it all up. I'm kinda getting impatient, i don't even think we are going to be able to watch tv in our room tonight. My ankle really hurts today, its like its back to square one, very sore. I want to go back to bed and sleep.

by Guest Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:29 pm

So sorry you are feeling so down today. It is a lovely sunny day, could you go and have a nap outside, it may help a little. Hugs, Judy

by Dolphingurl Sat Oct 31, 2009 11:22 pm

We spent the last 2 days totally spring cleaning the bedroom and moving in a new entertainment unit. It finally looks so clean in here and we have more room to walk about in the room. Today is just a lazy day for us. Time for a rest. I'm starting to get around a bit more cause i'm down to using only one crutcher now. Another 3 weeks to go and i'll be cast free and crutcher free, can't wait. I'll be able to get rid of all this weight i have put on over the last few months thats making me feel depressed.

by Guest Sun Nov 01, 2009 12:18 am

hopefully things will be on the up for you soon dolphingirl!

Smile

by Dolphingurl Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:44 am

ok update: we have just had a malfunction with one of the rear speakers of our surround system in our room. It won't go. Now his dad has taken it to have a look at it, but hubby thinks it will be good to just go down, buy a brand new system, along with a new tv ( we have just bought a brand new 32 inch lcd had it for about 3 months) I am hating that he thinks we can spend money that we don't have!!! How the hell are we going to get out of this house if he keeps doing this?

by Dolphingurl Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:33 am

I threw up last night after tea. I didn't throw up much but it felt good, hubby don't know and i'm not gonna tell him, if he finds out he'll throw me in hospital or something. I'm sick of my weight and just want to lose it quickly and easy.

by Dolphingurl Sun May 30, 2010 5:01 am

Well i'm back people. Havn't been here for so long. Was off my medication for about a month. Worst month of my life. All i wanted to do was cry 24/7. So Dr put me back on medication but right dosage this time and i'm feeling great. Never felt better. would love to catch up with you all. feel free to post and say hi.

by jaffakiwi Sun May 30, 2010 5:14 am

hey thats great news, welcome back.

by Guest Sun May 30, 2010 7:25 am

Hi yah

Great to hear you are feeling heaps better.

by Dolphingurl Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:29 am

Well i'm on a downward spiral. I'm sitting here depressed and drinking. I just don't know what to do anymore. My hubby is at work and i'm feeling so alone although my father in law is here. He is having a sleep. I feel like giving up, but know i can't. I don't want to disappoint hubby or my family. I just want so much to give up. This is the lowest point in my week in my month. I hate feeling like this. I'm not bad enough to be calling life line or anything like that, even though i'm thinking about self harm i know i won't do anything. I just want to get drunk and forget about today.

by Guest Fri Oct 08, 2010 5:26 am

Hey Dolphingurl

Don't have too much - wouldn't like to have headache tommorrow!!

Good to chat today, really enjoyed that.

You are a great gal, and hubby will be back as soon as he can...

I hope your father in law doesn't snore -- it is appauling listening to someones deep seated rattle!!

and ... you wouldn't dissappoint anyone, they would just miss you so much and blame themselves.

So don't do it, your worth it.

Very Happy

by Dolphingurl Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:29 pm

Over the last few days i have had my medication changed. I am now on 2 epilim a day instead of one. I'm still trying to mess around with the times i take it, i need to be able to make them make me feel myself all day. So i need to try taking them at different times. Hubby has decided to stay home with me to make sure i am ok before he goes back to work. Which i'm happy with.

by Dolphingurl Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:59 am

Today has been a good day when it comes to my mood. I feel stable for a change. Hopefully the meds are taking effect. I hope tomorrow is as good. I can't wait for monday when we get the T box put in in our bedroom. Will be able to watch my favourite animal planet programs and movies from the movies channels, and CI channel. Will be so exciting!

by Dolphingurl Sun Nov 07, 2010 12:55 am

Today is another good day so far. I think the new dosage is finally starting to work. I'm starting to feel more stable. This is a good sign.

by Dolphingurl Thu Nov 11, 2010 4:30 am

Today i did some more scrapbooking. I have to do at least one activity a day. Its counsellors advice, to keep me busy. Today also i got dressed up kinda to go to the supermarket, its the first time in ages i have felt like putting on a nice skirt and top to leave the house in. I think things are improving. However hubby has informed me that he is afraid that if he goes back to work he will come home to find me dead or near it. I have informed him i will be fine. Not sure he believes me though.

by Dolphingurl Wed Nov 24, 2010 3:26 am

Well today has been an ok day, has been a nice day outside, woke up this morning about 9am, but was back asleep by 11am, my meds making me tired so gonna start taking them at night, see if it makes me feel any better. I'm feeling more and more stable every day.

by Dolphingurl Sun Jun 24, 2012 2:31 am

Well I no longer have Bi Polar. I have Chronic Depression. I am slowly being weened off my epilim which i am hoping will help with the weight issue. Going through med changes when you are going cold turkey isn't easy.[b]

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