My place

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Sun May 27, 2012 9:35 pm

Good Morning Martin - how did your weekend go? Here in South Canterbury its been pretty warm and really cold - four seasons in one day some days. We got in another load of firewood as winter is upon us.
Did you get to spend time with Harry over the weekend? Where do children get their energy from - that's what I would like to know Smile I hope those grey clouds in your life are showing a few bursts of beautiful blue sky from time to time, hope you are doing well and look forward to hearing from you Smile

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Mon May 28, 2012 10:06 pm

Thanks loveroses - I think the hugs yoiu have given me are the first adult hugs I've had in a long time.
I'ts been a funny few days - I haven't seen much of Harry since Friday - his father has had the weekend off and three days this week so he's spending plenty of time with him plus my daughter doesn't need the amount of support that she usually does.
I've been a bit up and down - feelign quite OK for a while and like last night - not sleeping well and churning things over. However, that said, the black dog is off my shoulder for a while and I think I've moved away from the grey place.
What about you? How are you doing? Not sure quite why you're here and where you're at?
Keep on smiling, Martin

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Tue May 29, 2012 2:58 am

Oh Martin I would much rather give you hugs in real life, everyone needs real hugs - just to feel needed and loved - we are all in this together.
I will tell you a little about myself. In about Oct last year I got insomnia, like really really stopped sleeping, sometimes no sleep at all, sometimes as much as 3 hrs a night. Then I get really flat and low to it, every day seemed flat and univiting and I could not see the point in anything - the world lost it's colour and the days ran into each other. At Christmas time I stopped watching tv totally and reading books or the newspaper as I had totally lost my concentration and I begain to retreat into my cave, away from my friends - and I am quite a sociable person who cheers everyone up normally. I got to a point where even my loving family were irritating me and I was not liking the person I was becoming so I went away for a week all by myself - the first time in 26yrs of marriage. My Dr thought I was suicidal and wanted me to see a pschy team for assesement and to go on anti depp which I was horrified at and totally refused. Had a an amazing week away, did a couple of online quizzes of depression and came to the realisation that I was in a severe state of depression, and went to my Dr, refused drugs again - bit stubborn you know Smile Third time I gave in, and while initially there was no noticable difference, at least I do not wake up every day crying - so mabe, just maybe they are beginning to help. I cope daily with a chronic pain condtion and that in a nutshell combined with the non sleeping just wore me down over the months I think. So there you have it - me in a nutshell - slightly nutty, but hey still sane and smiling Smile I care very deeply for people and have had you on my heart ever since your first post - so love hearing from you.
I have just had my wisdom tooth out half an hour ago, so any wisdom I thought I may have had is now gone Smile Most days for me are ok - I try to cope just one day at a time, some of my friends I have had to step back from a bit as I realised they were bleeding my dry and I really don't have much to give at the moment (I call them vampire friends ha ha).
Hope you get to see Harry again soon. I am so glad that the black dog is off your shoulder and hopefully back in his kennel where he belongs!
Big *HUGS* my friend - and as always lovely to hear from you. I really really mean that Martin

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Fri Jun 01, 2012 5:27 am

Hi loveroses - sorry I've been quiet the last couple of days - nothing really dangerous, just been in demand. I know why my close family say I'm wanted - I'm a ready source of cheap labour and expertise. I'm sure they don't want me as a person.
Anyway, I ready your story more than once - really sad and I feel for you. I can only imagine what sort of hell you're going through - I have had insomnia, and I still get nights where the only thing that will get me to sleep is a combination of prescription drugs and a glass of wine (at 03.00!).
I've never had any friends - I've always been a loner and quite happy with my own company. I fact I seek out those times and really enjoy them. I guess if you're a social person, having your friends back off can be quite hard.
That damned black dog has come back to haunt me - the little voice inside my head that keeps saying "you'll be better off dead".
Seriously loveroses, do give the drugs from your GP or psychiatrist a try - they can help wioth the brain chemistry. It doesn't cure what the underlying cause is, but it can help you cope.
Have you ever tried music? I find some music particularly helpful - mostly the classical kind - not sure if you're into that but there are a few pieces that I play which do seem to help. I can suggest a few if you like.
Hang in there and I surely know what you mean about vampire friends except mine are vampire relatives Smile
I'll stay in touch whenever I get time, Martin

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Fri Jun 01, 2012 7:13 am

Hi Martin - Yay you replied Smile I was wondering what you were up to. I had a wee laugh when you mentioned your vampire relatives - but it's not really very nice to be bled dry by those who are mean't to love and care for you - and I am sure they do, they just have a poor way of showing it at times.
I am doing really well, taking my meds and taking each day as it comes - sure I could do with a lot more hours sleep and less pain in my life but I am concentrating on a day at a time, and enjoying my passion which is taking photos Smile I love nature and taking lovely photos of roses, flowers, etc etc puts a smile on my face. My darling dad who died from lung cancer 10 years ago was a loner, he loved his own company so I understand where you are coming from - and I also see that there is nothing wrong with seeking out your own solitude. I had a week in the country in a cottage all by myself at one stage when things were over loaded me and I so loved my own company, and my camera Smile After 26 yrs of marriage and three teenagers it was a bit of a shock but really did find it very refreshing (except for the mouse that tormented me for three days until I trapped and killed it!!) It is surprising you did not hear me screaming from your place at this tiny wee monster mouse Smile
Tell me some of the music you enjoy listening to Martin - Probably one of my most favourite pieces of music would be Vavaldi four seasons - such beautiful music. Our local library has a wonderful collection of cds so if you would like to suggest some I could go and get it out and have a listen.
Tomorrow we are going away for two days down to Ranfurly in central Otago so I will come back and say hi after I get home. I am thinking it will be very cold down there so the hotties are going in our bags!!
You can't really say you don't have any friends now Martin - you at least have one in me!! Also the others here that care about you are friends, I promise to not try and not be a vampire friend ha ha.
Hope the black dog retreats, I really really do.
Big hugs my friend, take care of awesome you
Diane xxx

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Tue Jun 05, 2012 9:08 am

Hi Martin - sitting here listening to the howling wind and the driving rain and wondering how your days are going? I hope you are doing ok, well no actually I hope things are better than ok for you. I live in Sth Canterbury so it shall be interesting to see if we get snow in the next day or even tonight? The fire is going so the house at least is nice and toasty. Our house is 100 yrs old with really high ceilings so it a bit of a trial to keep it warm.
Oh well I had better go, just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am thinking of you. Big HUGS from me !!

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Tue Jun 05, 2012 7:44 pm

Hi loveroses, sorry I've been a bit lax with the correspondence - absolutely lots going on here. I have been thinking of you though and how you are getting on. I can appreciate what you say about old houses and high studs - our house is 90 years old, brick with 3m studs - we do have central heating but I prefer the open log fire. It might not give out as much heat but you can't beat sitting in front of a log fire and watching the flames.
I talked earlier about music and how it can soothe my soul - my absolute favourite is the 3rd movement of Beethoven's 9th symphony. Whenever I listen to it I can't help but remember that Beethoven was profoundly deaf when he wrote it, and despite conducting the first performance never actually heard it. The best recording of it is by The Berliner Philharmonic conducted by Herbert von Karajan. U-tube has it but only in parts because it's about 17 minutes long. Have a look at http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=bIxklaE4sEE for part 1, and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4IVbeP2QMw&feature=relmfu for part 2 if youíre still game. I enjoy it most lying on my back in a darkened room and just letting it wash over me. The whole symphony takes a little more stamina and if you're not into Beethoven then just stick with the 3rd movement.
I'll just bore you with one more piece that I find very relaxing - Tomasso Albinoni and his oboe concerto opus 9 #2 second movement. Here's a U-tube version, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI5nnGwcuTA.
So how was the long weekend? Hope you managed to get some relaxation?
It was pretty hectic around here - my daughter and her husband are still in the throes of house renovations, so if I'm not helping out there its usually looking after Harry while the builders or whoever make lots of noise.
I saw my counsellor yesterday - he's taking me to some scary places in my mind. I'm sure it will be for the better in the long run, but it's a little hard opening up some of the boxes in my head that have been closed for so long. Not sure if that makes sense - anyway I'm writing this pretty early in the morning because it's going to get busy very soon!
Best wishes, Martin

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Sat Jun 09, 2012 2:37 am

I sometimes think that doing a good job around here is a bit like peeing myself while wearing a dark navy suit. I get a nice warm feeling but no-one else notices.
I spent quite a long time with the vacuum cleaner, mop and duster yesterday but nobody noticed or commented until I prompted them.

On a different note:
The bible tells me (Psalm 90, v10) that the days of our lives are three score years and ten; the insurance actuarials tell me that I should live to around 87 years. Given that I'm 70 tomorrow, I think I prefer the bible version - who would want to live for another 17 years?

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:14 am

Hi Martin - Gutting that no one noticed your wonderful deeds Sad What a slack family, I could keep you very busy here and I would certainly notice and be very very full of gratitude!!
Hey - Had to have a wee giggle re the navy suit - as sad as it was not to be noticed, you certainly have a wonderful way with words!! - I want you around for another 17 years, even if somedays you don't want yourself around aye!!

I am about to listen to some of your favourite music to soothe my soul - thank you so much for taking the time to send me those links - you are awesome!
It must be hard going visiting some of those scary places in your mind and you are right I am sure it will benefit you in the long run (and remember we are thinking at least another 17 yrs for you at least!!) - so good on you for being brave enough - I am not at that place, am actually a very private person and prefer to help others than others to know my struggles.

Had a nice time away last weekend, very relaxing and took some nice photos, do love down in the central Otago region, it's so beautiful.
I hope Harry is not giving you a hard time with all his action and I imagine endless chatter Smile
Do you have any special plans for your birhtday tomorrow? I hope you have a special day, and that your loved ones who don't sound loving enough let you know how special you are Martin.
I will come back tomorrw and wish you a Happy as can be Birthday.
Big Hugs my not so far away friend
Diane

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:28 am

Dear Martin - Wishing you a Happy Birthday today - or as happy as can be !!! Hope you get to made special by those you love and that Harry gives you a big cuddle today. Love and hugs my North Island friend I love you

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:35 am

P.S Just been listening to the music by Tomasso and it is SO beautiful - almost brought tears to my eyes - thank you so much for sharing Martin.

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Mon Jun 11, 2012 11:55 pm

Hi Diane - thanks for all that. Have you managed to listen to the Beethoven yet - it's my peaceful place.
I had a family birthday joint celebration with my son (his birthday is tomorrow) and we all got together for brunch and a good time.
My psych wants a family meeting with my wife and daughter to try and unravel some of the issues. Not sure how that will go - I've been working with my counsellor to resolve some of the long term problems with my head. Maybe it will work out - hope so, else I'll be going back down hil again.
Will write again as soon as I get some space - my daughter is working today so I've got Harry for the day.

Martinc

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Tue Jun 12, 2012 1:10 am

Yay for a day with Harry - bet you will be exhausted by the end of it which hopefully will mean that you sleep really well.
Sounds like you did have a nice time on your brithday - and yes I love the Beethoven, very soothing to the soul - and man we all need that!!
I hope it really does go well with your wfe and daughter and the psych - sounds like you are doing lots of hard head work - you are braver than I Martin that's for sure.
Oh well I must go and get a load of washing out, living in winterland as we do, we have one of those clothes drying racks over our log burner that is on a pulley and having the high ceilings it's amazing how quickly everything dries. It is only about 8dg here today so mostly that is how our washing dries during the coldest of months. With three teens and a husband you can probably imagine there is always quite a lot of washing to do!
Enjoy Harry, Lovely to hear from you as always Martin
Hugs
Diane

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Fri Jun 15, 2012 4:28 pm

Hey Martin, it's 4.20am Saturday morning here, sitting sipping a cup of tea while sleep alludes me and waiting for the painkillers to kick in and also wondering how you are doing?
I hope that Harry has not taken up every spare minute and that you have had some quiet times to go to your happy place and let Mr Beethoven wash over you to soothe your soul and rejuvenate your spirit. How are house renovations going with your family? Usually they can be all consuming and such a relief to get to the end of them.
Well since the fire has gone out I think I will head back to bed with hotties and wheaties, brrrrr it's freezing - my 16 year old daughter is out tramping for ATC in snow this weekend - think I am a bit past that, but she was excited!

Hugs Martin and looking forward to hearing about your week, even if it's been one your were glad to get to the end of

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Re: My place

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Sat Jun 16, 2012 10:10 pm

i'm new here and have just been reading through the posts. i agree with loveroses, you definitely have a very cool way with words. and i'm glad you decided to stick around a while longer.

interesting that the pressures of day to day life can sometimes be a distraction and at other times be a burden, depending on how we feel.

let us know if you go along with the family interview and how it goes Smile
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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:44 pm

Thanks fluffy-ducks - I hope your pseudonym means you're feeling a box of!
Things carry on much as always for me - yesterday was a mixture of hard yakka helping my daughter and son-in-law take a couple of trailer loads of rubbish to the tip followed by an evening of baby sitting while they went out for drinks.
Today I'm in charge here, doing a little housework, preparing a roast dinner for 7 and then under the house for a little excavation so that we can have under floor insulation installed.
I'm feeling tired just writing that!
Love roses - sorry I've been a little lax with the correspondence - finding time to sit down and think is problematic.
I'm supposed to be writing letters to all those I've hurt in my past - not sure if you're familiar with AA step 4? Anyway, my counsellor has suggested that it might be a way to empty some of those boxes I keep in my head. Most of the time the lid is firmly on, but from time to time (usually when the black dog comes to call) they pop open and give me the heebie jeebies. Anyway, I'm dragging all these boxes around with me, and I really would like to get rid of a few - he (my counsellor) suggests that writing them down and either sending off the letter, or if that might be too hurtful, just shredding or burning it.
I just need a few hours to collect my thoughts and start writing.
Ah well - dinner is prepared, washing up done so itís under the house now. Looking forward to that (not).
Bye for now, Martinc

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Re: My place

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:47 am

Fluffy ducks and rainbows Smile

how are you getting on with your letters?
i've not been to AA, but i do write stuff to people that are bothering me, (not bothering, bothering - but where their actions and words are on my mind and causing me to stew about it) i think it helps me.
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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Wed Jun 20, 2012 10:17 pm

Hi fluffy ducks - well the letters I want to write are to people that I've hurt in the past - the rationale is that all these hurts are still in my boxes at the back of my brain. If I can write them down and admit (at least to myself) that I did cause hurt I might be able to forgive myself and empty the boxes.
Not sure if that makes sense, but I can understand the theory.
What happens to me in the middle of the night is some of these dreadful things I did in the past come back to haunt me with regrets and feelings of self punishment. Real or not, justified or not, I certainly lose some sleep over it. The self punishment is also a strong reason why I don't feel worth living.
I haven't had the time to sit down in front of the computer and write these letters yet - strange that I feel more comfortable writing on the computer - it's my work history I suppose. I spent the last 30 years of my working life writing documents on the computer!
Right now the big black dog has come to call again - I'm feeling pretty low. My niece says to throw the dog a bone! Not sure how you do that.

I think writing things down - articulating the thoughts and putting them into words always helps - keep it up.
You didn't say if you were feeling fluffy ducks - or was that just a phase?

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Re: My place

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:22 am

heya Smile

you sound as though you have a few that you want to write, and that in itself can be overwhelming enough to make it too hard. I think you could start with one, and that will be a) a challenge in itself, and b) a reward in itself. one step at a time, hey!

me, i'm not a sufferer of depression, but my partner is. i'm pretty up beat about life in general, happy with myself... all that stuff so yeah, box of fluffies.
not to say i don't have stress though - this last 10 days has certainly been a chapter on it's own.

As for throwing the dog a bone, i think the cross over of analogies isn't going to work. This Big Black Dog isn't a thing that we want to feed, although perhaps it needs a splash of kindness, a pinch of empathy and a good healthy dollop of understanding. You know we all generally do the very best we can with whatever resources we have available to us, at the time we're doing it. and sometimes those resources aren't available until we employ hindsight, thought and/or understanding.

If we made mistakes, it tells me that we did not INTEND to hurt people (although, in some cases, maybe we did but only because that love and compassion resource within us wasn't available at the time).

maybe it can be said "i did some terrible things, and based on my life experience and choices along the way, it wasn't really any wonder. but now i have more options and choices, I've learned and grown and given the opportunity to do that again, maybe i would do something different."

Didn't mean to write a novel, or spout advice. however, i wont' edit it because maybe the part that doesn't' make sense to you will make sense to someone else.
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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:05 am

fluffy ducks I like what you write Smile

Martin - how are you doing? Is that ugly black dog back in it's kennel yet? I hope so, boy of boy what a pain it is and so exhausting!! Hope you are ok and would love to hear how you are feeling/doing because I miss hearing from you.
Big hugs my far away friend
Diane

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:29 am

Hi everyone, especially loveroses - sorry I've been off the air for a while - there are very good reasons for that which I may have time to explain later.
Suffice to say that I'm still here, but at time hanging on by a thread.
I was just thinking to myself that I've never wanted so badly to be dead as right now - that's why I thought I'd leap on here and bore you.
I don't want sympathy or people trying to persuade me no to - I'm not going to right now - again for very good reasons that I might try and explain later.
For now - I'm so flat out busy being busy that I rarely have time to think about things.
Will post more later, but right now I have to go help someone else.

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Wed Jul 04, 2012 9:04 am

Martin - hope you got my pm before? Bit new at this forum business so it would not surprise me if it went whirling out into cyber space. Thanks for making contact as I have been wondering how you were doing and more than a little concerned about you. I am not going to give you sympathy because you say you don't want it - just a great big squashy hug from me to you *HUG* wish it was a real one, or two or ten.
Keep in touch, I missed you xxx

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Re: My place

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Mon Jul 09, 2012 7:55 pm

thanks for dropping in and letting us know you're not ok.

You seem to do a lot of helping for other people. I do that too, not always for my benefit. then i get annoyed when they don't (or can't) help me when i need it.

drop in again soon, ok Smile
x

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Re: My place

Post by loveroses on Sun Sep 02, 2012 8:20 am

Martin I miss you - the last message from you was to let us know that you were not ok - are you still not ok? I think about you a lot and wish I knew how you were doing

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Re: My place

Post by Martinc on Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:09 am

Hi, sorry I've been so quiet - my life has been unbelievably busy. Daughter is expecting her second child and just like before has the most debilitating morning sickness, except she also has an 18 month old. So the spill over has been to my wife and I. I'm getting counselling (not a lot of use) and seeing the psych regualrly (even less use). Keep taking the medication and hope!
At least I don't have much time to contemplate suicide although the impulse still happens.
Will write more as time allows, Martinc

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