I need a hug please.....

by Millie25 Sat Jul 09, 2011 5:53 am

So much going on I have no idea where to start, sorry guys, just a quick warning this may be quite a longish post, so don't feel obliged to read it all Smile

To start with, I decided not to return to uni at the moment as everything seems a bit full on at the moment and I don't think I would cope very well, especially as its a health science degree so you kinda have to give 100% at all times to the patients you care for. Also to cut a long story short I have a massive phobia of men, something I didn't know I had until working with male patients. Anyway that phobia relates to a rape by my grandfather when I was 12 which I dont care about sharing with yous on here as you dont know me Smile

but yea, I am currently under going a rape trial, which is rather draining and feel a lot of pressure around it. Family say they are supportive of me going through with the investigation, but my sister called me a slut last night for sleeping with our grandfather and according to her i brought it on myself. Havnt told any friends due to the shame i hold about it. feel completely alone. My family members including my mom and younger sister (19) had to give a statement and they made me feel like going for the interview was a huge deal. My sister said i should have paid her wages for the 3 hours she missed from work due to the interview. The detective said he could have done the interview at our house to save them traveling an hour to get there, but mum said it wouldnt look good having a detective and police officer tiuring up in uniform as we host international students. Which makes me feel like all this is an embarassemnt to my mum and she doesnt want people to know. God I feel so helpless and alone its horrible. Tried to talk to my only friend last night and she turns aorund and says she wants to go to bed and cant talk, fair enough but I still feel like no one cares.

So no study
To much anxiety to work
no money (have a hungry horse to feed and cover, looks like I may have to pass her on to someone else soon Sad

if i cant meet her costs) shes the only thing that keeps me going these days so that breaks my heart to think it may come to that Sad

No friends

Please I need a hug

by uninspired_artist Sat Jul 09, 2011 6:11 am

That's a real tough time you are going through! I'd say families sometimes are just supportive of themselves (Father just told me I hide behind my mental illness and that I should shut up and get on with my life), I don't even talk to my sister now she suffers from anxiety and depression but is too "proper" to admit it. I believe you need to keep the one thing that is the light and keeps you sane my animals are my lights. I believe the SPCA could help you with feed for your horse? You could also post on the freecycle site for any help with covers? Just a thought. Hope things turn around soon xxoo.

by Millie25 Sat Jul 09, 2011 6:16 am

Thanks its nice to get cyber hugs, just wish I could feel the real thing from someone who cares, The SPCA have enough on there hands, and i wouldnt want her to be uplifted, I will always put my fur babies before anything anyways so will always find a way to cover and feed her Smile

thanks for your support, it really does mean a lot

by uninspired_artist Sat Jul 09, 2011 6:43 am

I always put my furr babies before us as well (except my 3year old goes before anyone) My littliest kitty (Artoo) just broke his leg, I was soo glad that he didn't cost more than $300 or we would have had to put him down. The last couple of months the animals have been costing us a fortune (dog lost two claws running around in the garden $90 a pop). But when you cuddle up to them and tell them all your worries it surely makes you feel a whole lot better. I think they should include in a disability allowance matinance for animals, they are crucial for some people.. Company for eldery, science has proven that they make you feel good. If no one else listens, animals do. LOL Smile

by Millie25 Sat Jul 09, 2011 6:54 am

completely agree, i recon my pony can sense when I need her, when I have had a real shit day, i will go out to her and she will follow me around the paddock, nudging me and pushing me into the mud which is kinda funny at the time, and she will also give me the best canter ever, when I ride her, just me and her, its an incredible feeling. Just had another blast with my family, they dont understand anything im going through and quite frankly i dont think they give a toss how im feeling Sad

just want to crawl into a cave and die

by uninspired_artist Sat Jul 09, 2011 7:03 am

I know that feeling, especially with family. I haven't been through what you have (my sister has, which she blamed me for not going after her and getting her out of the situation she was in. She doesn't care about the fact I kept calling her cell phone and went on a 45 minute mission to find her. She still makes me feel guilty now and that's 10 years ago)! My parents are ok (sometimes) they don't understand, especially my father. I have seen both of them very depressed on ocasions but they manage to work it out. Which I suppose is different to me who can't figure out how to work it out! It's fustrating and you feel soo helpless! I wish I could help, I was just writting in my Journal about a fantasy wand to magically make everything better because too many problems and not being able to sort them out is JUST too hard.

by Millie25 Sat Jul 09, 2011 7:06 am

When you invent one of them wands, let me know, I'll buy the first one haha

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