What a great place

It's great to have a NZ forum for depression. I sometimes visited the TM threads but could never keep up
Look forward to meeting you all.

NZgirl

A bit about me..

It's Winter.. Not that I'd know I've turned completely agoraphobic and only venture out when I absolutely have to, like going to the Disputes court as the ex flattie / friend is trying to do a runner while owing me $$$

The last 10 years have been a mix of getting expelled from school, failing at obtaining my dream career, losing my friends of 8+ years, getting into drugs, skipping the country to hang out with murderers and stay wasted everyday, coming back an[/color]d trying to straighten out my life, going back on drugs, getting my heart broken, having a crazy family, suicide attempts, mental hospitals, weight gain from the stupid fucking medication they put me on when I was diagnosed as 'bipolar' and tried to sort my sh*t out only to find out they were wrong.. And I'm probably ADHD...

I live in the night. Stay up all night, and sleep all day. Am using tiny amounts of drugs just to get by, enough to annoy me and not enough to be in oblivion. Hope this isn't too much to post...

I hardly exist.

I wanted and could have been so much.

But I'm not.

Hey NZgirl. Welcome to our little safe haven, where we all have varying degrees and experiences of this hell of depression and all the things that go with it. Thank you for coming here and for being so open and honest. I hope that some how this place helps, when you are up late at night and have no where else to be.

Hugs to you

Oh NZgirl,
Hugs for you, my friend.

I won't say I understand all you have been through - I couldn't, I'm not you. But I have some understanding and I'm really glad you've found us here.

A pen and paper sometimes helps me to 'get by' until the better days eventually and briefly turn up.

I wrote this whilst trying to get through ACC-funded sexual abuse survivor counselling a while back.

THE MISTS OF THE YEARS 01/08/2006

What might it mean, not to be me?
To possess a mind that’s safe to roam free?
To have hope – desires, interest in things
To be focused and clear about all
Manner of ideas. To experience life and
To allow myself to enjoy the fact.
Not to hide myself away, living a vampire life
Afraid of each day, when people expect
So much more than I’m ever able to pay.
A week, just a day – that’s all that I crave
To discover who I might have become
And not what I’ve been.
I must be inside me, burrowed somewhere
Down deep, but that persons a stranger
Forever forbidden to speak.
A product of Fear, Self-loathing and Hate.
Yet I’ve caught vague glimpses of him
wraithlike through the mists of the years
Cowering down, made tiny by fear.
And I cry for him. Ache for him. Mourn him too.
Because I know that he’s dead.
What could it have meant not to be me?
Not the person I am, but the little me locked inside?

Pat.

Wow Pat, good on you for sharing with us. So true. I sometimes wonder if there is a way to let that little person inside out, and if they can be nutured to grown and take over the person i am today. But like you, I no sure it is possible now.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for your reply LG - any degree of depression is more than enough. Yes I'm often up in the wee hours so you'll prob awake to my ranting Thanks again for making me feel welcome

Pat - wow... that was amazing. Words cannot express how great that is. I often think of the 'little me' and you just hit it bang on. what you wrote is amazing..

Ooops this should all be in the get the ball rolling thread.. :S

Ah well - it's here now, it's ok.

Monday Morning how depression. And I'm still up so sleeps gonna continue being outta whack. Nothing to do this week, no job to go to, no friends to visit, no obligations, no one to come home too. Nothing.

Morning Ladies,
Ah, there is nothing like the start of a new week with nothing planned, no structured activities, nothing to especially look fowards to, to make us full of joy and anticipation, aye.

Roll on Wednesday morning - I have to see my GP.

As for the rest of the week - I guess I could go to a supermarket, if I can pick a real quiet time and there is always the library, for my weekly dose of 10 books. Oh, and I'll get a visit to a chemist shop too, hopefully (please, Doc!)

Damn, that does leave a lot of hours to fill - a lot of long, quiet, scary hours, doesn't it?

Thanks goodness for the Internet and a small group of people who understand some of what we are feeling (or not, sometimes?), but who try to help themselves and others, anyway.

Bless you all, take care, keep in touch and be kind to yourselves.

Chin up paddy,
Wednesday will come around quickly. Can I ask how often you see your GP?, like I'm just new at this and mine followed me quite closely for the 1st few months, and now that I went back last week and he doubled my meds, he wants another review in 3 weeks, is that the norm??, actually I feel quite comforted by him and his caring attitude to make me better.
Thanks

Hi, thanks.

I don't see my GP as often as I should (it will be six weeks this time which is a bugger, cos I only got 4 weeks of pain meds that I've tried to stretch out cos I'm an idiot, sigh).

It sounds like you have a GP who is not only understanding and supportive, but knows how to communicate that fact to you - keep him, lol. Establish a trust in and rapport with your GP and life will get better, I'm sure. And it sounds like you know you can get help from him if you feel you need it during these 3 weeks?

I drive a 156km return trip to see my GP - not cos there are none closer - there are, several. Its just I can talk openly and honestly to this guy, he will really listen, if he thinks I need a kick in the bum, he tells me and if he thinks I'm continuing to manage better (over all) without being on psych meds, then he won't push it. But if he says 'Oi. get these pills into, they'll help', then yeah, I'll take them (reluctantly, but I'll take them).

Afternoon all,

Just thought I would share a positive today - cos I can, cos I have had a good day today. Been able to keep the black dog out on the full extention of his leash today.

I managed to drag myself to the gym this morning, got some washing done and went for a short walk down to the shopping centre.

Feeling a tad on the sleepy side now though, but for me today has been pretty good. So just thought I would share.

Hope the rest of you are doing ok today as well.

I know how frustrating this can be, one day we feel ok, then the next we feel like C#@p, well that's how its been for me alot lately.