Saving a marriage when partner is bitter about years lost to your depression...

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Saving a marriage when partner is bitter about years lost to your depression...

Post by lowdown2 on Fri Mar 25, 2011 2:04 am

Well, this is a biggie! Haven't been on here for a long time as things were going so well with managing my depression...or so I thought...

Hubby now tells me that he hasn't been happy the last 4-5 years because he went through hell with my depression, and feels that he 'lost' those years as I wasn't able to do much with him - too tired...his feelings have come out as anger towards me and the uncertainty whether we can rebuild our marriage...for some years I just didn't have the energy to do much more than get through my work and basic stuff, and so he ended up doing most of his socialising on his own. During that time I encouraged him to do this so he didn't miss out on anything...and I always reassured him that the depression wasn't his fault and tried to keep the impact of it on him to a minimum. Looks like that didn't work then!

Ironically, this came to a head the same say I was prescribed low dose of ritalin to help with my fatigue (I am on Fluox) and I felt better than I had in years as far as not tired all the time...

This also comes about when my depression has pretty much stabilised and I thought I was doing well...seems my management tools have made him feel excluded and as if we are both living separate lives with 'nothing in common.'

I am alternating between upset at dealing with this and anger that he didn't seek help earlier rather than leave it so many years! He is now seeing a counsellor...and we are looking at couples therapy.

I feel as guilty as if I had an affair, and his anger is what I would expect of him if I had done so! In this case the 'third party' was my damned depression. I am feeling angry that he didn't seek help and that it now seems to be blame on my head at a time when I couldn't cope as I was ill.

And I also feel anger that I was never offered Ritalin before!!!!!!!! Cos its working now. Question is whether it is too little too late to save my marriage.... Crying or Very sad

lowdown2
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Re: Saving a marriage when partner is bitter about years lost to your depression...

Post by Maisie on Fri Mar 25, 2011 3:34 am

It sounds like youre both going through a really difficult time. Mental health is so hard on everyone that is closely involved. I hope the counseling will help, and the couples counseling is a good idea too (you can receive some sessions, I think 6, free each year through the Family Court).

I really hope you guys can work things out. Hugs.

Maisie

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Location : Manawatu
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Marriage or Not?

Post by Sad one on Wed Jul 06, 2011 11:31 am

I feel for you with what has become of your marriage, as I am in the same boat.
For three years I have battled to survive my depression, and the only family or friends support I had was from my son.
Sadly, my husband just gave up on me, so now it is a case of, we live in the same house, we sleep in the same bed, but no love, no hugs, and it is a very lonely place to be.
Why is it, that we spend Years with the love of our lives, support one another through the tough times and great times, but with depression, we are supposed to suddenly be able to go back to who we were when it all happened.
I don't want to be that person, the person who always thought of what everyone else wanted before what I wanted.
You are lucky that your husband will go to councelling, as this tells me that he cares enough to try, but mine won't go at all.
I hope that you succeed where I have failed, but I have a saying now, "Shit Happens"

Sad one
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Re: Saving a marriage when partner is bitter about years lost to your depression...

Post by Fluffy_Ducks on Thu Jun 14, 2012 1:19 am

oh, thats why i joined, because i dont want to be the one years down the track fizzing out over the lost years etc.

perspective though: perhaps this is coming out now because he realises that you are strong enough to help him through some stuff, where before he was protecting you from his feelings (and/or not understanding it) because you had enough on your plate.

i certainly understand your anger, and i'm glad the ritalin is working for you Smile

we are very complex creatures us humans, and there is likely a multitude of dynamics going on. here's hoping you can find the best way through it for each other I love you

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