No Title. Warning, May Contain or Mention 'Trigger' Stuff

I found this a few days ago, amongst some 'Sunnyside Days' writing I feared was lost.

The old bastard has been dead for a few years now, but feck, this particular episode still feels a bit raw, By Golly. Perhaps I should stop picking it to bits in my brain, sigh.

Things folk stay can stick in the head sometimes - give me sticks and stones, any bloody day.

THANKS, DAD: 6 March 1998

I saw my dad two days ago
For the first time in a year

He is 75 years old
Ex WWII – you know the sort
No bull – Plain speaker – RSA type

Told him I’d lost my job
Was unemployed
Marriage very shaky

Didn’t throw him
Not a problem – good old dad
Nothing a beer couldn’t fix

At the local RSA we sat
Him on beer
Me on coke

It was a warm room
Pushed up my sleeves
He saw the scars on my wrist

Spoke with utter disgust
In his voice
‘I’d have thought better of you than that, boy.’

‘Thanks, dad.’

Pat Quinn
Ashburton NZ
1998
All Rights Reserved

I like that Pat,

It very eloqently illustrates the 'old thought', and often the 'modern thought' of depression.

So often people say things that hurt and yeah sticks and stones? Well at least you can see the hurt and people can feel your pain too. You share it well.

I feel really bad about this - I 'edited' the last line out of this Poem when I posted it here. Two simple words, that have eaten away at me but now I think its fair to say that I'd rather the poem be read as it it was written and meant. You Lot, you deserve that.

Here is how it SHOULD read, sorry.

'...
Spoke with utter disgust
In his voice
‘I’d have thought better of you than that, boy.’

‘Thanks, dad. Me Too.'

Two Simple words.

And its taken me a very long time to accept that my self-imposed duty of perfection or as near as in all things, aint necessarily the best way to treat oneself to an even occasionally happy existance.

No Father, I didn't expect I'd 'grow up' and be a selfharmer and have mental illness or a broken back and go thru a myriad of other things , either.

Life Eh?

Paddy.

That is a huge thing to carry around Paddy. I don't know what to say except I so admire you.

(deleted post)

sorry ML, I know you have the very best of intentions but believe me, this Thread is going places where I am not safe.

I don't intend to 'Lock' the thread or anything because that would be an abuse of privelge to me.

But I am asking, can we please just read the Thread or as much of it as we can or want / need to, but not any of us add to it, eh?

Please?

Because as I say, it will be a fast and nasty ride down for me and its not a ride I'm ready to take the knocks from.

Paddy.
(NOT Admin Paddy2 or Moderator Paddy2 - just, Paddy2 right now. )

Paddy why is it that every time someone mentions something that causes you to deal with something emotional (for example: the bad photoshop joke, now this) you absolutely pull rank, decide the conversation is off topic, and refuse to go near it.

We are all on this board to help ourselves, but it seems that whenever somebody starts to address the 'hard stuff' for you, you simply can't or won't handle it.

I often hear people say that many people are depressed because they choose to be. because thats where they are most comfortable. Because addressing the hard stuff simply takes too much energy huh? I'd definitely be interested to hear your thoughts on this.

I'm glad you didn't come on strong and moderate this thread. I'm now wondering if I've pushed you too far. Are you going to lock this thread now? Are you going to ban me for asking some hard questions?
It bugs me when people start a tread, and then suddenly say the conversation is off limits.

Lucky I’m a patient, laid back kinda soul, isn’t it eh, TBT? Eh, Puss?

You are always so much more capable, JK, so much more calm and collected, astute and knowledgeable – I can’t understand your need to slum here. But it adds to the colour of the site, I suppose so that’s all good.

As you’ve told me often enough, you could easily ‘do this and do it a lot better than me’. Give it Go, and when you reach the end of your first 12 months online, c’mon back and share with us how it’s going? That doesn’t mean you can’t also be here, but I thought that being so perfect wouldn’t leave much time for anything else.

And of course, on your site, you will be able to make your little ‘Photoshop Nudie Picture Cut and Paste Jokes’ to your hearts content irrespective of their potential to harm to others their and total innapropriateness at any time on a place like TBBD . You seem to enjoy forcing others to open closets others had hoped were long nailed shut and to which they had indicated they had a vulnerability. ‘Cos you’d be the Boss and I think you’d quite like that, wouldn’t you JK? To be Boss of something, even something as empirical as a website?

But hey, how about we look at a few FACTS about this Thread I started, eh? For the edification of all and any who care to read it.

I made the original Post, as me, Paddy2;
an individual member of TBBD in the section of the Board called “In Our Own Words – writing to survive” and for reasons which I then immediately regretted I edited two of MY words from my original post before making it.

Two members elected to make Posts subsequent my Original Post, both of which were ‘positive’. The Post by our Member ‘mylife’ was lovely and positive in many ways and it is certainly not her fault that each time I spend any great time thinking of my old man and I, my mind can’t seem to stop wandering back to his last few agony and indignity wracked days on earth before cancer finally stopped tormenting him. I mentioned I had an especial vulnerability, but I did not demand that no one else post.

I also felt that I (to my own sense of what is right) had acted inappropriately by self-censoring the last two word of that original post, because they were and are extremely important to me. So, I posted again, putting those two words back in and also saying that botheration, this was taking me to dark places. As indeed it was. And shall doubtless do again.

So, I didn’t ORDER anyone not to post, and GUESS WHAT JK?

I DIDN’T DELETE, OR EVEN ASK a member, to delete her post in my Thread in our “In Our Own Words – writing to survive.’ Section of TBBD.

I hadn’t even known the Post had been deleted by the Member who wrote it until you raised your head above the parapet, mate and mentioned anything.

But, ya seem unduly keen on gory details, so read on, lad. You’ll doubtless be thrilled to know that such memories throw me almost instantly back to certain times but that is my worry, no one else’s.

Days with my dad such as his last week ‘alive’ when, as he lay there in a hospital bed and his bodies extremities closed down and orifices with access to the ‘outside’ bled continually and his mouth and throat ulcers burst;
and days such as those final three when the odd nurse aside there really was only him and me. None of my many siblings; I’d asked for help for me really and that had been refused, ‘cos of who and what the old man was or had once been.

So, his youngest son got on crutches and literally hitchhiked to Auckland from the middle of the South Island to be with his dad as he died. It didn’t quite go as I’d imagined it may during the hitchhike up to Auckland.

F’rinstance, it never crossed me mind about all the to be mopped up blood and mess just waiting for me or the agony of trying to talk to and try to comfort, a man whose life’s blood was quite literally flowing out of his mouth etc and into my hands in bloody gouts of froth. I dunno quite how it was on his end of my hands as I tried to help, but I do know it wasn’t a loada sheer unparalleled joy at my end of them. It leaves a soul-stain that no amount of hot water, soap or scrubbing till your hands and wrists bleed, can scour away.

Since you seem so curious, JK – You might be titillated to know that his last hour or so alive was spent with my fingers in his mouth, trying to scoop froth and blood out, so he could keep breathing. The blood? What I couldn’t wipe off on coarse wet paper towels, I wiped on me.

‘Cos I needed my dad to keep breathing ‘cos I was only 43 and unwell and I kinda needed him still but I was also stroking his head and telling him it was OK to go.

That his dad, who died in 1924 from his WW1 Service and wounds, and whom my dad had no memory of, was waiting for him, as was Nana and his two brothers. I told him his dad was Duty NCO at the bar of the Sergeants Mess in the Sky and that he is proud that his son was a Sgt of Artillery in WW11, as he’d been a 4 Battalion Rifle Brigade Sgt MiD, in WW1. I also mentioned a litany of his old cobbers who had preceded him and who knowing them were bound to have a few Flagons stashed away. And, that it was OK to leave me, that I’d be OK and that his mum and dad n friends were getting tired of waiting, the ice was melting in their Gins.

Then, after the Death Certificate was signed, I stripped my dad, and I washed every inch of him and I shaved him and I dressed him and I did his comb-over, just how he liked it.

He looked younger and healthier than I could ever remember seeing him – almost, a young man again. Shame about being dead tho, ‘cos it wasn’t helping him any, looking so swish. That was freaky, seeing the lines fade and smooth out. Feck, he almost looked human for a moment.

When the undertakers arrived, I wouldn’t let them put him in the body bag. I did that, too. And I lifted him onto and pushed him along on their gurney down the corridor to the loading bay and I shoved the old bastard in the back of their vehicle. And then, I cried. Oh yeah and I ain’t stopped yet, on that one. But thanks anyway for caring, JK.

10 Kids he had;
My old mans ‘service’ at the funeral home? Let’s see, um? Where is my calculator?
Oh yeah.
There was Him, cold as cold as cold can be, with funeral home makeup, despite orders to the contrary, lying in a ‘rented’ outer casket, cos he wanted to be cremated in a cardboard box (and he was).
The ‘mourners’?
Moi and a single stem Yellow Rose.

And when it came time for the funeral people to take dads body for cremation, they ‘closed’ the lid of the rental outer casket and they closed it as I watched. Those clever clods had not positioned my dad properly in the rented casket and as the lid was placed on, the underneath of it hit my dad smack in the face. I saw that too. It did all seem a little undignified to me.

Anything else you need to know, JK?

Oh yeah. To my relief, it was pissing down with rain so no one saw that my face was soaked from tears, not just rain. And on my crutches, I walked and I walked and I walked for hours in the rain. I do like walks in the rain, they are Ace for hiding tears.

It turned out I was both his Executor and Sole Beneficiary in his LW&T. Oh Joy. There were a few documents there that rocked me to my core.

In Sept 2009 a brother died of cancer and as a result of me attending his funeral for the sake of his children and widow, I have had a lot of unsought ‘family’ attention in very recent times. (Other than me big brother Brendan, you’re welcome any time, Cobber). Brendan asked to see some of dads ‘stuff’ when he called and stayed not too many weeks ago and a lot of Ghosts live in that little carton.

Happier now, JK?

Ban You?

If you feel that such an action would offer you ‘Validation’ or something else positive and you want me to JK I suppose that as Site Admin etc I have the ability to do that; but no I don’t see any particular need to ban you JK.

Oh, and the ‘Administrative Actions taken by me as Site Admin or as a Moderator? I have a record of them, laddie. They number less than 10 since 16 August 2008.

But this is the best bit of it – the last time I took any Administrative Action here at TBBD and really ‘did something’ – pffft, JK - you were the one who first asked me to. Some Spam as a First Post from a ‘new Member’, I do recall? Wasn’t the Message something like?

‘Paddy, some bad person is putting spam on TBBD, Paddy. Make them Stop.’

So, as you asked me to, JK, I did.

Thanks for the belly laugh, laddie.

Paddy.

Hi Paddy,
Thank you for sharing that. Was it upsetting for you to type? I'm not asking that to mean, I'm just trying to understand you better. Is it the sadness of losing your father, his horrible last days, his demons that caused your siblings to turn on him, or the type of father he was to you that gets you choked up?

You didn't want to go there because it was a dark place for you. But I encouraged you and you went there anyway. Am I prick for encouraging you to go there? Does it mean I dont care? Do you really think I dont care? . It seems I'm often thought of as the mean one here, because I encourage people to face their issues. But why not be proactive? Why mope and be miserable forever?

Yeah I'm in a good space now - and thanks for the kind words - but we all know I haven't always been. We all have our skills and talents, and yes, I could probably build a site much better than this one - but why should I when what you have here works? You have a great raport with everyone here. You are doing well!

Do you honestly believe some issues are better hammered shut, than being addressed? I guess that might be the reason for any perceived argument here. I very strongly believe the opposite... that if we face, deal with, accept, and make peace with our problems.... we too can be at peace.

I can see how not facing your issues takes less energy in the short time, but I believe it takes up a lot of energy over the long time. What do you think?

Do you think I"m arrogant Paddy? Just wondering.

JK.

Ok I have been holding off this temptation all day today.

I don't know whether or not to say something, but I am so here goes;

Firstly - I deleted the post because it upset a MEMBER on this site. I would do it for anyone.

Secondly - I hope I have never done this to anyone - pissed them off immensly. While we are here for all sorts of issues we all must be mindful of each other. Antagonising one another is not good in any way shape or forrm.

*steps out of this thread - never to return??*

Paddy, I am sorry for forcing my beliefs on you.
I admit that I need to accept that what works for me doesn't necessarily work for other people.

Geoff

One thing for us all to remember at TBBD is that while we walk side by side and offer eachother support we are still on separate individual journeys and it is not up to anyone of us to tell another here how they should walk their path.
It must be remembered that it is a priviledge when someone shares with us a story or an insight into who they are and while comment is often invited it should be tempered so as not to include instruction as to how WE see their journey could be progressed except in the most positive and basic of ways and with love and encouragement.

My love to you all

Monsta