Life is no longer a blessing...

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Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by clamchouder on Thu Feb 10, 2011 3:41 am

Hi

I have been suffering from depression for years. I am 24 now and I remember being depressed when I was 12. I have bottled up my emotions for well over 12 years and now my heart and mind has become black and inhumane. I have never told anyone of my depression. 12 years without talking to a soul about it. Everyone that I have ever met assumes that I am shy, but I am not shy. I can talk in social situations and give speeches if I wanted to. The reality is that I never want to talk, so I do not.

I am a recent graduate from UC in accounting. Everyone seems to think that it is some sort of accomplishment that I could get into Uni. The truth is that I found Uni very easy. I got very high grades and was pushed by my parents to become a turtle. Have no social interaction and just study as that would get me a good job.

Well long behold, I graduate and surprise surprise, I don't have a job. I lack the social interaction skills needed to convey to employers that I am a good employee. I get interviews because of my grades and awesomely constructed cover letters, but fail as I am a silent, nervous, heartless man.

My silence stems from my depression. I don't want to talk because I do not think that I am worthy of this world. I don't care about others because I do not care about myself. I do not care about the world as I see the harsh reality that we exist in. The world isn't sunshine and rainbows. I am not a human, I don't feel things like regular humans. I do not care about the world, about others and because of this I have no value in life. No one is better off in their lives by meeting me or knowing me, therefore it is a waste of time and energy to talk to them.

So I fail to get a job for a long time. I see the next round of grads getting jobs. People younger than me are earning way more than me.

People who bummed around in Uni, having sex and failing multiple classes but ultimately graduating with C+ average degree now have the jobs. They work with the Big 4 and big professional organisations in NZ. They have the life that my parents dreamed for me. They have the skills and the support structure to cope with life. More importantly, they have money. The financial means to achieve the necessary equipment to help them meet their goals.

And I have nothing. A heart that is stone black. A mind that is constantly screaming and crying. A soul that is long dead. I have not spent more than $1000 in my entire life, yet I still have less money than every other grad.

I know that envy and jealousy are two of the worst thoughts that anyone can have. I live my life with Envy. I cannot look at my positives and have to focus on my negatives because I cannot be happy with myself. Envy is the only emotion that runs through my veins.

Everyday I hear about someone dying and I wish, I WISH, that I could be one of them. I would trade everything I owned to swap my life with one of the hungry homeless people in India, as I know they will die soon. Does this make me a bad person? No. I am something more degenerate than a normal person. I care for no one because I cannot care for myself.

I know I have a very good life compared to at least 60% of the worlds population. I know that many people here on TBBD probably have a much harder life than me. However I do not care about that fact. I care about nothing. If I died tomorrow I would not care.

The fact that I am indifferent between life an death must mean something. I am content with living my life with envy and eventually dying (in like 60+ years) or committing suicide tonight. Why? Because both causes of action will accomplish nothing. Both causes of action will not solve anything. Both will not give me any sort of satisfaction.

I don't now what I am anymore. I do not care about others. I do not care about myself. I have no motivation and drive. I am nothing. Literally nothing.

I know that there is no magical cure or magic phrase that will turn my life around. I cannot achieve anything anymore because of myself.

My parent keep telling me that something will come along. They think that the biggest problem in my life is not having a job. They think that if I get a job everything will magically become alright. They cannot be further from the truth.

I am a broken man. Someone who has lost the blessings in his life. Someone who no longer cares in life. And I am only 24! I have got a long life ahead of me which will eventually lead to absolute nothingness.

Like I said I probably have it easier than most people here. I'm not looking for some sort of sympathy. The truth is, I do not know what I am looking for.

Reply if you want. Share what you want to say. Judge me. Criticize me. Attack me. As you can probably guess, it means nothing to me.


clamchouder

Number of posts : 1
Location : ChCh
Registration date : 2011-02-10

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Re: Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by nzmum on Thu Feb 10, 2011 4:47 am

Hi clam,

You say judge you, criticize you, attack you, but you forgot about accepting you where your at.

my reply might mean nothing to you but the fact that you are a fellow human being, makes you worth the effort of a simply reply to what looks like a well thought about post on how you feel and how you view yourself. you are not devoid of all feeling you just sound depressed and in those times we often dont see the good in life or in people around us and things that dont immediatley concern us dont always come into play. You are right, the world sure isnt full of sunshine and rainbows, but they definatley do exist and you are no less important than anyone else. just as worthy as anyone else too.

although difficult, have you thought about talking to a dr about the way things are for you, theres medication you may be able to try, theres councelling of sorts, there are things you can do to improve the quality of your life, none of which is likely to be easy but things you can do all the same.

if it is true that you are content living the way you are, with envy as you said then i guess for you things wont change, one thing i do know is that you have to want it too, medication can help, talking and therapy can help, but you have to be open to it first

welcome to the boards, i hope you will find things you may read on here helpful

we are meeting in the chatroom tonight from 8 i think it is if you would like to come join,, you dont even have to talk if you dont want but u never no, u might enjoy the company Smile

take care

Nikki.


nzmum

Number of posts : 201
Location : palmerston north nz
Registration date : 2011-01-29

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Re: Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by nzmum on Thu Feb 10, 2011 4:49 am

just had another thought... if you find the idea of talking to a doctor to hard, perhaps printing out your post and showing that would be helpful to you, it states quite clearly how you are feeling and could be a good way of going about it.

what do you think?

nzmum

Number of posts : 201
Location : palmerston north nz
Registration date : 2011-01-29

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Re: Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by Maisie on Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:34 am

I really appreciate your post CC, and your honesty. You are obviously intelligent, obviously a thinker. You are also depressed. Looking at the world through depression gives us a distorted view. You think you dont care about yourself or other people, and that is probably true, right now and by the sounds of it, for a very long time. It doesnt have to stay that way. That is part of depression. People care about you. You probably dont believe that right now. I have just read your post - and already I care about you and how you do.

I see you are from Christchurch. It just happens that I am going down there next week. Would you like to meet up? I am old, fat, and unscary. Very Happy

Maisie

Number of posts : 108
Location : Manawatu
Registration date : 2011-02-06

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Re: Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by escadachic on Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:09 am

I don't know what to say in response to your post Clam. Except, thanks for being so honest and sharing all that. Though you may not see it, sharing is healing and getting all that off you chest, is a really good thing.

I must be so friggen frustrating doing all that work and not having a job out of it. It's a pity someone can't give you a chance. Have you considered just looking for a job that allows you to be you and can work with where you are at right now? Gosh, maybe I'm crazy, does such a job exist?...I'd like to think so.

I so get that not caring feeling. Especially when you're at your lowest and you think suicide would be a good choice. It's like, in the time, nobody else matters and you think, who'd miss me anyway. But when you mind is not so clouded, you might happen to remember, people do care and you will be missed. And the fact is, no matter how insignificant you may feel, you are significant and there would be major consequences in certain peoples lives if you put an end to it all.

Maisie mentioned depression giving us a distorted view. That is true. I'd like to know, when it disappears.

Have you considered going to church? Sometimes the void you are feeling inside can be filled with something spiritual.



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escadachic

Number of posts : 40
Age : 38
Location : Wellington, New Zealand
Registration date : 2011-02-04

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Re: Life is no longer a blessing...

Post by Guest on Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:40 pm

Morning,

First congrats on graduateing. I remember my years at Canty Uni well and I really enjoyed them. It is a hugh adjust when you leave Uni and I felt at a loose end for a long time.

I have a couple of suggestions, have you thought about doing some volunteer work while you are job hunting to build up your CV and gain experiance. I did that for a while and it led to a job.

Also can I suggest you get in touch with Mental Health Education and Resource Centre (MERCH). They are really good. They have a library and also act as a hub for various organisations which may be able to help and support you.

In terms of job hunting, do you have a Winz work broker? I ended up going through a supported employment agency and they have been great. On personal experiance I have not had the best results with Workbridge but their are others out there.

All the best
Roswell

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