Unable to take the challenge of living

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Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Wed Jan 05, 2011 3:33 am

I feel I can't take anymore. Each day is so painful, i struggle to get through it only to have to get up and do it all over again the next day. I've been in and out of hospital over the past couple of months - being discharged only to survive a few hours at the least a few days at the most before i am readmitted. I seem to have lost myself and the ability to fight back to wellness. The depth of defeat seems so final. I just can't find the strength to keep my head up anymore.

It's got to the point where it is too painful to try to survive anymore. Instead I find myself surrending to the illness, sitting down crying, hiding away. All my mental health support staff are away on leave so i feel very isolated and the psych emergency team can be either really good or a bunch of pricks. If I tell them i can't face anymore, they ask me how i got through from the last time i felt like this to when i contact them. Doesn't help - invalidates the struggle!

There is a strong drive inside me wanting to take myself from this life. Comments from people echo that if i really meant to do it - I would just go and do - it scares me how easily i could do just that at the moment - Hand in my final resignation of this life. I'm not expected anywhere for 36 hours....

I think about what i have to deal with if i stay alive and I can't face that. I look around my house and can't face doing anything with it. My animals have been walked but i can't face doing any training with either of them (both competition dogs). The thought of going back to work on friday seems like having to climb a mountain. The day to day things are just too much to face.

I can't go on living - its just too painful. Seeing what i've lost, what i've become.... I can't do it anymore.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Paddy on Wed Jan 05, 2011 6:32 am

Tis a bugger, innit, this feeling of absolute despair and disinterest.

Luckily, we are wise enough to know that is is a state from which we can make an effort to move from, and to empower ourselves to enjoy a few things once in a while. Hard yakka, but.

You said last year, that you 'Can't work in the areas I trained in.'

You can, I betchya. You can work on you, because you have more skills in one little finger, than I do in me entire six feet plus body.

I'd be real keen to see that you didn't do yourself in, now or in the future, cos it would cause me no end of paperwork and stuff, including a Coroners Court, no doubt. Sheesh, I hate those.

And when you are picking up and doing more gooda, hows about we see if we can't at least find you some voluntary work where you can use your training and skills, to make a difference for others as well.

Gentle care eh and remember, Misery Isn't Compulsory. Not even for 'Us'


Paddy.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Martine on Wed Jan 05, 2011 8:33 am

Dear Sirtexen

I am glad you posted how it is for you at present. At least you know that we are here and care about you.

Where you are right now is a terrible place but you know that you can shift from it, lives can change. Look at the blunders John Kirwen made, and he turned his life round by continually asking for help.

Look at Susan Boyle, an unattractive looking mentally disabled lady who now has the world at her feet due to a fantastic singing voice no one believed she had.

Sir texen do it like an alcoholic, Lord get me through the next hour, the next day, but keep going for the help you need. If the hospital cannot do right by you go back to your GP, ask for counselling, and your own support staff will be back.

Thinking of you
Maxinex

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 05, 2011 11:31 pm

Hi Sirtexen

Thanks the heavens for this site. A place where people do understand what it is like to survive each hour, each day.... living with depression.

Sometimes I find it hard to find the words to help, so today I'm sending you cyber-space hugs. I love you Arohanui

Keep fighting Sirtexen, life has a way of turning out to be a pretty okay place to live for. Take care

Poetry

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:25 am

Well spent 72 hours back in the psych ward. Discharged with no support and feeling much the same. No review of medication, Discussion with dr was a mere few minutes confirming that I was to be discharged.

I feel really distressed,
I hurt inside.
I feel really low in mood
I feel really sad keep finding myself sitting crying
I feel “broken” –
I feel a huge weight of defeat,
A depth of hopelessness that is beyond words
I feel like I’m trapped in a black hole that has no bottom and I just keep falling further and further down…..

My thoughts are pretty bleak -
Everything seems to be unmanageable,
All I want to do is crawl under the covers and never get up again.

I am scared of this space,
Things have slid from anxiety into depression which is sapped my energy to fight
I feel drained out,
Full of emotions that I don’t want to feel
I feel so desperate to put a stop to the “falling”,
To put a stop to the struggle which I can’t handle on my own anymore,
I know from the past that there is a breaking point,
Where things cease to be “tolerated”
And I think I’ve crossed that line,
Where the ability to find the strength inside has gone and
I’m scared as reaching this point I know that suicide will move from being an option. To being the outcome. I just can't tolerate anymore of this space!
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:46 am

Hold in there .
Go back to the ward and admit yourself and tell them you are not going until you feel better or have a talk to your doctor about mendz you need to stand strong and yell if you have to hugz
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:59 am

I feel exhausted from trying to survive through this. Going back to hospital isn't an option anymore. I feel very alone. I have had no contact post discharge on monday from anyone in the community. I feel so tired. I tried to phone the psych emergency team, but can't stop crying and got told phone back when you know what it is you want. Not much usefulness in that. I can't think straight - i don't know what will help or if anything actually will.

Now I'm just sitting here and I just can't stop the tears, the sobs are coming from so deep within me it hurts! All i want is for the pain to stop!
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Martine on Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:46 am

Sir texen even phone lifeline, when they get your level of despair they phone the police to come round to you. Even go to the plod they will help you say you don't feel safe.

Go if you can to Emergency room and say you are suicidal and need admission. It will happen believe me they will observe you even in ED until you are stable I promise you get there.

They cannot make the mistake of sending someone as unsafe as you are back out they would be crucified trust me.

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Tue Jan 11, 2011 7:00 pm

go to ed and stay even if it is in the waiting room go
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:55 am

Got admitted back to ward late last night, however out again today. There is no support there, just a bed and silence and more tears.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:38 am

oh you poor thing maybe you just need the quiet and bed just to be safe let the tears keep coming do you have akey worker you can contact, im sorry i dont know what support you have in rotorua
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Martine on Wed Jan 12, 2011 1:19 pm

Sir texex phone Psyche emergency services or just turn up there and say you are suicidal if thats how you really feel.

Or get your GP to call ahead for you and say he can't care for you in the community.

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:46 am

Many thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to my posts, however this will be my last post to these boards. Life has just become too impossible to face anymore.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by sirtexen on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:00 am

Just been on the phone with family - about to try again to get some help from the system.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Bluebird1 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:08 am

Is it possible to get help from family or good friends? If you stay with someone who can help with the kids and give you some space.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Admin (Paddy) on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:51 am

Hiya, you have a new Private Message to read.

Please, don't do anything that I will regret in the morning, and let us know how you are getting on in accessing the help you need.

I'll be here or here about for a few hours yet, so if I'm not on-line, 'tis just cos I need a break from some physical pain from me broked back etc which limits the time I can sit here, but I shall return. Frequently, probably.

Be Gentle. With You.

Paddy.



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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:34 pm

talk to me about your kidz did you get help well done for reaching out again that showz courage
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Admin (Paddy) on Fri Jan 14, 2011 6:24 am

Hiya, You Lot. Just an update - our friend sirtexen has emailed me and is spending the weekend in her local hospitals MH ward. I hope to be in contact with her next week when she is back home.

God Bless You All for caring like you do.

Gentle Care eh, each and every one of you here in our TBBD Family. Cheers,

Paddy.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Fri Jan 14, 2011 8:10 am

Thanks for that paddy glad to hear she ok
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Admin (Paddy) on Wed Jan 19, 2011 6:00 am

Um. An Update.
Hopefully our friend sirtexen is being listened to and helped by some of the professionals in the Lakes DHB Mental Health Service.

As a result of something I learned, I felt compelled to seek the immediate intervention of the Police, just after 6pm today.

Its a bit of a convoluted process, trying to access emergency assistance from Marton to a TBBD family member in crisis in Rotorua, 'specially with a 'phone phobia getting in the way, but Fingers Crossed, eh?

Sirtexen, I can't sit back and let you do that, sweetheart. I just can't, k.

I'm sure that the other folk here are thinking of you too and wishing you a safe outcome from today - and if you'll let us, we can try and figure out how to get some more gooda days back for you, 'cos it doesn't sound like you've had all that many and its definitely your turn.

God Bless, our friend, God Bless. Gentle care eh, very gentle care. Of you.

Paddy.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Guest on Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:04 am

its a hell of a thing Paddy. really scary seeing someone go down that way.

Sirtexen, I hope you get the help you need soon

Guest
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Bluebird1 on Wed Jan 19, 2011 8:11 am

You are a really caring person Paddy, I know you would have done the right thing. Please give our friend my very best wishes. Don't forget to take gentle care of yourself while you are giving so much to others.
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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by jaffakiwi on Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:18 am

My thoughts are with you, sirtexen.

It really does get better, and hopefully you will allow us to help you see that.

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by Martine on Wed Jan 19, 2011 3:52 pm

Sir texen we are all of us capable of recovering from this and we on this forum are at differing stages of our recovery process.

You are in our thoughts and prayers that you too will find the right steps now, have faith in yourself and believe that you will come through with the loving support of those who believe in you and that includes us here on the forum.

Martinexx

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Re: Unable to take the challenge of living

Post by mumtothree on Wed Jan 19, 2011 6:30 pm

Ha we believe in you and you can do it from someone to have visited the dark side many times lately it is hard to pull yourself through but you can do it i know you can a huge hug and love to you in your time of need.
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