Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

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Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Bluezero on Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:22 am

Hi everyone

It's been a while since I have been online in TBBD Forum.
I'm not doing too well. I'm still unemployed and finding it really hard to find a job. I've been applying for them, nonstop but nobody will give me a chance. Is it the deaf thing? or is it the big gap in my CV? Why won't people be fair? Why do people judge?

I've been thinking about taking the easy way out. I've tried it a few times and have been unsuccessful. But I just feel like I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere. Like my feet are embedded in superglue and I am unable to move.
I thought about studying again but what if I fail this course too??? Is it meant to be like that?? I'm the failure, the loser. If I was born hearing would my life be any different? I see other deaf people who can only sign, and they get jobs, they pass in university, and they get to travel overseas but not me. Why is it like that? I TRY to organize monthly social groups for deaf and hearing people but not many people turn up, and they're mostly hearing people hardly any deaf people. Is it because I have a Cochlear Implant? Is that why they don't like me? Is that why I'm an outsider from the hearing world and the deaf world? The deafies won't accept me because I'm a "robot" and half the hearing people think I'm totally mute and retarded.

Why can't people look beyond that? I KNOW I'm a good person but yet I get treated like crap. I have a medical condition, and I was hoping it would get worse so I could die, I just need someone to hit me over the head or the stomach. Or I could pay someone to run me over? Will I die? I don't want to end up as a vegetable on a drip for the rest of my life. Sometimes I want to live and sometimes I don't.

I am 24 years old. Still a virgin. I don't even know what sex I like. Females or males? It's too confusing. Maybe if I didn't get bullied at school, I would know my orientation. But no I don't know. I got sexually assaulted in March this year and I barley let anyone touch me, not even on the shoulder. This year has been the hardest I think. Hell, every year is hard.

Well I've stopped bawling like a baby. My cat Mischief is wondering what the heck is wrong with me. But it hurts so much that people can be so cruel to you and get away with it. I thought about retaliating. But I don't want to get a criminal record. There, we have it. I just want some peace and no more voices in my head. My medication doesn't do crap. I have to listen to music all the time, even when I have a headache to block out the voices. They really annoy me when I'm sleeping. I could be sleeping then the next minute I'm awake and my heart is beating so fast because I got a fright from the voices. They are worse at night time. I can handle them "ok" during the day.

There, I've let it all out of my chest. I hope I haven't triggered anyone.

Bluezero

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Bluezero

Number of posts : 37
Age : 31
Location : Wellington, New Zealand
Registration date : 2008-12-16

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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Apricot on Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:56 am

Hey Blue,
hugs, baby steps, and just try to find one wee thing thats good today. And each day. And give that lovely cat an extra big pat, and groom session. Yay for pets, the best friends anyone can ever have.

people indeed can be cruel. But, not everyone is cruel. Many people have beatutiful hearts.
sometimes it feels people are cruel to us on purpose, but it may have been because they haven't thought about what they are saying, or, dont know what the hell they are talking about, so it comes out wrong and we basically wear it.
people judge in my opinion, because its an easy way to make themselves feel great, whilst making others look small. remember the saying, judge not, least you be judged!! and we do, its nature, if someone judges us, we immediately think rrr's hole!! Giggles

life is not easy thats for sure.
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Apricot

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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by becks on Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:12 am

Hi BZ and sorry to read that things haven't been good for you. Although I have never had a hearing impairment I have had my share of being different and being treated differently from other people. People can be so cruel and judgemental, that is for sure. BZ have you shared with a health professional about the fact that you hear voices? You probably have but I was just thinking that it must be really exhausting having to deal with that as well as what you have been coping with. I hope things get better soon for you. Give your cat a cuddle from me (where would we be without our four- legged friends eh?). Take care and hang in there.
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Martine on Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:34 am

Dear BLUEZERO

First up if you are hearing voices to an annoying level you are right your meds aren't cutting it. Please Blue get to a GP ASAP, because you deserve to live a better life without the bloody Greek Chorus going on at you.

Second I was left deaf on my left side following Meningitis two years ago, so I know whereof you speak. I have to stare at people quite hard to lipread or ask them to repeat themselves, (embarrassing I know).

blue at 24 you are of course wondering about all that orientation stuff, you will find love when its ready to land on your doorstep, because it does have a way of surprising you.

When you are ready to find your passion make lists pros and cons and then volunteer first, to see what takes yer fancy, and follow it.

That's how I crawled out of my crap and with the support of the good folks on here I will continue to crawl until I can stand again.

Martine

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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Bluebird1 on Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:58 am

Hi BZ, really sorry to hear things aren't going too well for you. There is nothing I can add to the good advice above, just wish you were closer so I could give you a huge hug. Take care. Judy
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Martine on Thu Aug 19, 2010 5:38 am

Hi Bluezero thinking of you today and sending a big hug to you and a scary voice to chase your voices away.

Hope you do get to a GP soon and tell them about this,

You can get a better quality of life blue. Promise.

Martine

Number of posts : 367
Location : Christchurch
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Bluezero on Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:34 pm

Hi everyone

Thanks for the kind words and encouraging advice. I do see a psychiatrist monthly and a psych nurse weekly.

I do volunteering for The Red Cross second hand shop. I really like working there, its like they accept me for who I am. I get to work on the till, help people find clothes, work out the back putting clothes on coat hangers steaming the clothes. I really like working on the till though but it does get frustrating when I don't understand what they are saying. But I love working there. It's alot of fun and also rewarding.

I have dropped a form off at The Salvation Army, to volunteer there as well. I'm not getting my hopes up because the lady there was very rude to me and wouldn't acknowledge my deafness. But I'm not going to let her win!

I might be doing a part time course called Diploma in Health and Human Behavior. I yet have to contact them to arrange a meeting to understand fully what is expected from you in the course.

I am also looking for a job. It's been tough doing it on my own but my psych nurse and I are going to ask Emerge to help me find a job. Mind you it will only be part time for now. Just incase I do study.

I hope everyone else is keeping their chin up and keep positive. You all take care and see you in chat.

Bluezero
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Bluezero

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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Martine on Thu Aug 26, 2010 7:30 am

Dear Blue

I am glad to hear you sounding stronger in yourself, do you wear hearing aids at all?

Good job on you volunteering you sound like a strong and wonderful person I am far too selfish to do anything like that. I know its horrible.

Martine

Number of posts : 367
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Bluezero on Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:43 pm

Hi Martine

I wear a Cochlear Implant. Smile
I got a meeting this morning with The Learning Connection. It's an art school in Wellington. I am looking forward to it. It's going to be good.
I will let you all know what happens, when I return tonight.

BZ
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Bluezero

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Age : 31
Location : Wellington, New Zealand
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Guest on Thu Aug 26, 2010 9:32 pm

what a coincidence. My son is also looking at studying there. Good luck BZ

Guest
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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by becks on Thu Aug 26, 2010 10:30 pm

Yes good luck BZ with your meeting, I hope it goes well. I'm impressed with your tenacity. Hugs, Becks. x
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becks

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Re: Bah I'm not doing too well.-may trigger you

Post by Martine on Fri Aug 27, 2010 12:04 am

You go blue! Love to you and to all of us with our flaws.

Aen't we unique and wonderful????

Martine

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