A good life shrouded in a black haze that I cant get rid of

Im 36 and have all the things that should make someone happy. A kind beautiful wife, two lovely children, a great job, a nice warm comfortable home, money, family etc. But I'm not. The more I have the more I seem to slip into this endless series of day and day doing nothing but stare at the wall. The more I have the more it seems I have to be depressed about.

First suicide attempts were when I was in High School, years of dark moods and the occassional violent outburst followed even when I was in a decent relationship I had this tendency to flip toward the darkside all the time. I called it switching off - I would go into these holes where I just didnt feel anything and where I could do things without any thought of the consequences to myself or others. I got some help talked to people, had a few therapy sessions, even talked to a priest for a while but the moods never left. First real relationship helped give me confidence to express myself but only when the moods werent there did this work. I spent most of my 20's drunk or comatose losing or rather not making any friends. Failed two more times to off myself both times I chickened out and couldnt go through with it once with a loaded shotgun in my mouth. Since then I have moved into a big bright career, married a great women, had two kids, house, mortgage and the moods havent left.

2 years into my new career (6 years ago now) I suffered a major breakdown I remember going home from the office and lying on the floor crying and rocking back and forth unable to function. Days and weeks of this followed where I would sit in my office with the door locked, lights off and blinds closed just starting at the walls often in tears, often not just staring and waiting for the day to end so I could go home to a new environment. I would comfort myself by forming brief relationships with people who crossed my path anyone that could offer me some form of positive feedback about me as a person. I discovered online gaming and invested huge amounts of my personality and life into these fake online worlds and the relationships I had with the people and friends I had online. These were frequently more important than me than any real life relationship.

Work continued after I got medication first of 4 eventual types that has led me know to Venlafaxine which I have been taking for about a year. Each medication offered different benefits some reduced the effect of the lows others kept me from swinging from high to low too quickly. The latest one doesnt seem after all this time to be doing much. At first it worked wonders made me feel good. The days of staring at the wall disappeared and I could function well again. I made progress at work moved forward in my career. Put on a brave face for those around me and those I dealt with delivering good results for them and getting recognition for what I did. I stopped drinking several years ago after getting punched out by a friend at a party and realising the damage it was doing. Outside of my stag night and my wedding night I havent had more than 1-2 drinks in a night since 2000/1 and gave up smoking in 2001 as well.

The other crutches still remain though - online gaming, fantasy worlds where real relationships arent formed but where you can invest yourself in forming something that seems tangible but which offers you the protection of not having to reveal your true self. And lately over the last few months the bad days have started to return. 20 years of dealing with this crap and I cant shake it. I tried CBT earlier this year had 3 sessions then my budget could no longer take it so thats stopped. Not really sure if it was helping need to win Lotto so I can go back and give it a proper go.

But now here I am 36 going on 37 two great kids, a new chapter in my career about to start which should see it move forward even further, great feedback coming to me from the boss, colleagues and those I deal with on how I am doing my job. But at home everything is turning to crap. My wife is being hurt by my dark moods, by my mood swings, the short fuse that has returned with a vengeance these last few weeks. I have never hit her or any women, in fact any violence is always self-directed or directed at walls or inanimate objects (I actually havent hit anyone else for what 15-20 years???) but psychologically according to my CBT therapist and I agree with her)my depression and personality mean I fit perfectly the model of the abusive partner just without the physical violence that goes with it. Great for her yet another thing that I cannot get right.

I watch the world, my world, her world, my childrens world, through a dark haze that I cannot remove or disperse. I am sitting here in my office now typing this. Its 12.30pm and my day for the last 4 hours has consisted of nothing, as did yesterday and the day before nothing, just staring watching the minutes tick by. I am so tired of this... so very very tired... I want my daughter and son to have a happy dad and my wife to have a happy husband and I want to form real relationships with real people - outside my family I have none... so damn tired...

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welcome tol,
First of all, congratulations on everything you have achieved despite your illness. Depression can really hold us back, and even if you can't enjoy it, there's no denying you have a lot to be proud of.

I can personally relate to hiding in the cyber world when I can't face the real world. Congratulations on the new chapter in your career too.

If you ever want someone to talk to, either online or face to face (I'm in the Manawatu too), just flick me a private message.

I think you've made a great start by sharing what you have - i hope it has helped even a little? Hang in there.

Geoff

Hi tolpuddle, I am probably not much help, but, it doesn't make you a bad person to think you SHOULD be feeling good because you have a loving partner, children and a 'good life'. All the thoughts about 'I SHOULD be feeling good, I SHOULD be doing this, I SHOULD be.......' that is depression talking, not a failing on your part. Have you checked out the program that John Kirwan is head of? I don't know but maybe being a bloke it might be a bit easier for you to relate to. Please try not to be too hard on your self (not easy when depressed I know) even write down the things that make you feel a bit lighter, or even smile, so you can look back on it and remember that things arent always black.
It sounds as if you have made some really positive changes so far - congrats! they cant have been easy things to do! try to pat yourself on the back for that if you can.
I dont have any answers, none of us do unfortunately, but please try to be kind to yourself, remember your successes - you cant be all that bad if you have a loving wife and kids!!
Have you been back to see your GP recently? or are you seeing an outpatient team if not maybe a referral from your GP could be helpful...
anyways, take care and ultimately I just wanted to say please try and be kind to yourself

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Thank you for the feedback everyone. I had talk with my wife this morning after a rough night between the two of us after we got home from work - we work at the same place in different areas. She was sad about a couple of work and financial things and I didnt help by over reacting accusing her of picking at my faults, yet another constant failing of mine.

Things were going Ok once we got home but I started to get dinner ready and it just all started going wrong again. Trying to cut potatoes and all I could do was cry. Sat through dinner like a zombie, my daughter got a bit worried about me, and my wife kept waiting for me to talk to her about things.

I then yelled at my daughter over something trivial an hour or so later. She got scared and I walked it off by going outside and getting myself out of the situation. Walking away when I get angry is one technique i have managed to hold onto. I could feel the anger coming but just couldnt stop it everything was so frustrating. It wasnt my daughter it was my inability to talk to my wife.

What are you supposed to say. Hi Honey I know your sad and unhappy but its ok its just because Im depressed, it sounds so pathetic. I slept alone last night and woke up to find her in the lounge with the children she had stayed up all night working and avoided me as I hadnt talked to her.

It was hard but I finally opened up and told her the full truth about everything I had been feeling for the last few months including the constant thoughts about ending it all which have come back with a vengeance over the last few weeks. I havent felt this bad in nearly 6 years not since I started taking my medication.

Had a good morning this morning playing with my children. Kept calm all morning and stayed reasonably positive but its hard when you can see the pain on your wifes face.

I also logged onto depression.org and started JK's programme. I will be doing my first Stay Active activity right now with something I always enjoy walking my daughter to the park so we can play on the swings.

Thank you again for replying. I am not sure what I expected from posting here. It felt good to get everything down... and ill keep doing it.

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Hi Tol

Welcome to the forum and I hope you keep posting and getting your feelings out there.

I understand the relationships with online fantasy games, everybody seems pleased to see you no matter what!

If this proves to be a stress buster for you, then do it, you are doing well in other spheres of your life. You can always reduce the amount of time spent online when you are feeling more settled.

It sounds like your venlafaxine has done its run with you, Tol, and you may need to have your meds reviewed.

Depression in men does manifest itself in anger, but you describe a long history of depression/mood disorder since you were really quite young.

I am concerned about your darker suicidal feelings Tol so you really need to get back to a Psychiatrist. Privately it will cost about$150.00 dollars a visit so you can get to see one quicker, rather than waiting for Mental Health Services. (sorry I don't mean to give you advice). Or tell you what to do.

You obviously have skills, talents, and the ability to articulate and interact with others in a meaningful way which has been compromised by your sadness / depression.

All the best and keep posting.

Man what a great weekend I feel so much better. Had several talks with my wife and took the Friday off work to stay home with her and the kids. She doesnt work on Fridays so she can spend time with them. Weather kept us trapped inside but my daughter and I had some good time together and my son was being especially cute and bouncy all weekend, not far off walking now for him.

Couple of little episodes where I lost my temper but I was managing to calm myself down pretty well. Only downer is that my regular doctor is away for the month and I am uncomfortable talking to his locum about my depression and switching to new meds which I do need to do.

Two days without any really dark thoughts has been great. Taking things slowly and doing little things. JK's depression site has been helpful working through the myjournal thing this morning as a way to start my day at work. Feeling surprisingly positive this morning but am being careful not to get carried away as I have had a history of going UP and DOWN quite quickly. Aim this week is to focus on doing little things that make me feel good about myself to keep my current mood on track.

Thanks again to everyone for listening