Black sheep Bad seed

What really pisses me off is that the depression and panic attacks have turned me into a reluse. Today whilst having a heated argument (first for a long time) with dh, he said that I am antisocial. And that whilst he has heaps of friends I am stll yet to have anyone come over to the "new" house (been here 6 months.) I dont trust myself around others as im not sure if Im going to end up rescuing them from whatever situation they have got themselves into as I truly believe that they take advantage of my giving personality. inc. CVs, babysitting whilst they are out making some jam for someone, cooking for the family.... etc. I do not do this because i need validation or anything, im just built to be a people pleaser. They all think I am "lovely" but have no idea how heartbreaking it is to get into a conversation where it is all mememe and not even ask how i am once.
The worst one was when my dad went missing presumed drowned and i had a wake, my 2 so called best friends said after it, Im so glad we have the day off we can go shopping for new clothes this afternoon so we can go out to ### (the local club) Eleven years later and its still the same. I just dont even stay in contact any more. ## BREATHE##
I think I attract the wrong type of people. And caus I travel so much for work (nxt week invercargill cch timaru then cch, following week rotarua, following week nelson) and have done so now for 6 years, I am just used to being alone and introspective.
I suppose writing this that I really dont have any friends except for DH and I dont think this will change.
And after 10 years of bullying (severe) from his manipulative sisters I havent spoken to them for nearly 2 years now since I finally went off at them for the way they treated me and the BIL before he was killed... So I dont even have contact with my nephews and neices when we used to see them every weekend.
Nw it looks as if I may be asked by one of my adult neices to be godparent to her baby boy, and it will really wind up the aforementioned sisters (who have always bullied this neice but feel its their right) so DH thinks it may be best to say no.. oh and that he has been talking behind my back to them and they say that why doesnt gumdrop just forget everything and just be friends. Noone has said anything to me and im not going there as i cannot let them into my life again as they are so destructive. So now I am the bad one, and according to DH its all my own doing and that he wishes i could just not be depressed as it stuffs everthing up and affects him so much, and why cant i just be like i used to. Well DH i have had so many deaths in the last ten years, (at least 15) and I have worked in TRauma which is nightmarish and i am the major breadwinner and carrying the responsibility by not being able to stop working even if things get black for me that there is no way i could be the happy but poor nursing student who you met when i was tanned, thin and looking foreward to life.
###BREATHE##

Gosh amber.gumdrop ....... becasue of the amount of travelling you do, I'd be surprised if you had made friends too. Takes a lot of energy to make the effort to get to know people. Plus you're coping with anxiety and depression!

It takes time to make new friends of the right sort for you now. People-pleasing is exhausting and once you realise it's not that healthy - it's not that good for you. Hope you do start meeting some people who treat you well.

Daze

Thanks heaps. I really havent opened up about it till now which is why it sounds like a rant, but I feel like people here at least have an understanding of what life is really like sometimes... i like the analogy of the snakes and ladders game.
I have lots of aquantances (sp) and am able to be "that girl" with them and they respond well. But you never scratch the surface.

Hi amber.gumdrop

Good for you, your protecting yourself by not allowing certain people into your world. Sometimes we need to 'rant' and this is a good thing as when you read back, you realise just how much your coping with. I admire that you are able to work whilst dealing with 'health issues'.

Hugs and thinking of you