It's not working

Today I was standing at the sink looking out into the garden, bowl of eggs in my hand, thinking in a very exasperated tone "there's never a good time to kill yourself".

I mean really. You have to laugh, right?

First appointment is two weeks away, work is freaking me out, even though I know its not true I feel like I am wearing away at my friends by leaning on them so heavily, my lovely kind gentle (sarcasm) mother last night gave me the "why do you do this to yourself" speech and then told me she had to go because she was watching Grey's anatomy.

I have a good flat, downstairs from my closest friends and their child - soon to be children. There are several people I know who have 'issues' in thier brainspace and can hear me when I speak. I have found you all here (thank you Paddy thank you Paddy thank you thank you thank you). I eat properly, I cook, I clean, I sleep relatively easily.

There are good things in my life. Why do I want so badly to be not here? To be done?

Life itself isn't the problem. The problem is that I can't ... I just ... it doesn't. It's not working. I'm not working.

So I wait, again. I wait because I am so tied to this life, this life that is actually ok, and to people who are more than ok and who would be destroyed by me doing that to them. And so I wait and I don't. But I want to know why my knowing that I am loved and needed that way isn't enough? How can that not be enough? And what could possibly be enough if that isn't? How am I ever going to be able to be ok if that isn't going to be enough?

totally my opinion of course.. hope you dont mind me posting.. here goes:

I did a Landmark Forum (course) in 2002... it was several LOOONG days and an evening. the upshot of it was "This is IT"... this is the life you have. you get to choose how you live it. For most of us we have no real choice and would never end it ourselves. so living it well becomes the challenge.

What is "enough? "
For me its having enough in my life to help me look forward to the rest of it...

It is often just getting through to the end of the day without crying or screaming (in my head) .
Or being able to cook a decent meal, and having people at home that will eat it, let alone enjoy it.
having my boys at home, and/ or my partner.
looking after my dogs.. man are they a blesing
visiting my parents. I'm so glad I still have them.
having meaningful work to do all day... doesn't happen often
managing to pay bills
flowers
hoping for a grandaughter ...sometime in the future...

its these things that keep me going.

one of my friends has a huge list of things she would like to do.. I think its a great idea but so far I have stumbled on what i would put on such a list..

She has things like ride a horse... and this week she went to london as a celebration of turning 50.

Please hang in there.. keep telling us how you feel and keep looking for the flowers especially the fragrant ones

I'm in Wellington too so if you want you can get in touch.

Dj

living it well

I feel like I've been trying to live it well for a really long time and I've realised I need some help figuring out what well actually is. I guess I get confused by all the different ways of living a good life and can't figure out which one jives best with the who I am and the who I want to be.

I turn 36 in July. I don't have a partner and I have a few issues with actually connecting with people. I'm a little bit nuts and will probably have to go back on medication while I get all the cbt and whatnot to work, a process that could take a couple of years. By then I'll be, say, 38 or 39. Then I have to meet someone and be with them long enough to make major life decisions together, something that hasn't happened yet and I'm not holding my breath for.

So all going according to plan, by the time I am actually in a position to have children, I'm probably not going to be able to.

Now, given that I come from a long line of hard aggressive women with emotional connection issues maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Not that I don't deserve to have children, just that part of making a decision to have them would have to include finding ways to not pass on these traits. Something that might be harder than I am capable of doing in the timeframe allowed.

I'm hoping that thinking about it that way will make it easier to move on from if I end up childless from timing rather than by choice. I am essentially ok with it happening because of timing, I am in the "if it happens now by accident, then fine, if not, then fine" state. But I suspect that I might want to make it more of a choice so that I can't use it to kick myself with later on. Because I know me, me is a bitch and she'll use it mercilessly.

Life is such an ass right now. Man.

Hello Anita

My heart goes out to you and I too thank Paddy in my head every day.

What I am wondering about this rotten life is why do I have to do it?

I feel like I don't belong anywhere in it at all and I have taken 5 different types of antidepressants none of which have worked,

Regarding the children thingy I decided not to have them because hell, melancholia is my family motto. I do wish I weren't here, I wish some kindly half blind bus driver would make an end of me.

But I would worry about my dogs and I do believe in God and I know he wouldn't be best pleased with me if I did it. So feel trapped much as you do.

I am sorry about the way we kick ourselves when we;re down.

Martinexx

Hey Martine.

Hate that trapped here feeling. Hate it. I know it's really childish but I'm glad that there are other people that feel the same way. Misery loving company and all that!

But I guess that having made the decision to live then we both need to find ways to 'do it well' as wowinnz pointed out above. I am going to go hard out on the therapy thing and find a way to own my own damn thoughts. They're mine, after all, and I want them to stop trying to kill me.

I'm a hard aggressive cow and I'm going to use that power to take back my own brain. Hopefully this time I will find a way to do that without taking it out on other people!

Not ok

It's just today. It's not me.

I can't go back to work tomorrow. Couple weeks ago now an acquaintence skitzed out and said some really shitty stuff that I've taken on board. Then I had a performance review where "hey your work is perfect, shame about that personality"

Can people just please lay the fuck off please?

Ok. Today has improved. still not looking forward to tomorrow but not dreading it either.

Hokay. Is going to be cool.

Hey Anita,
How was your day? I am a newbie to this site but all I can say is THANK GOD I found it. I am so glad that I now have people to talk to about what I am going through and knowing Im not the only one going through it is today giving me a little bit of hope that I might come through this and actually be able to start living instead of just being Alive!
Please keep POSTING!

yeah me too...
not so warm today, but it's not raining so thats nice.
I'm feeling a lot better today, I think it could be cos I shifted my meds to night time instead of early morning and I dont feel so tired. It's the little things that make a difference eh.. like today a guy I work with asked me how my weekend was.. like he was really interested... wow

Dont know what you do for a job Anita, but I hope you are finding some fun in the day.

Hey let-me-out, you know that's exactly how I felt when I found this place. Just relief aye?

Hey wowinnz, yay for feeling better! Fatigue can be an ass when you're already dragging yourself through a day.

As for me? Only one crying jag today and I managed to talk myself out of feeling angry on the way home. Mostly anyways.

Half day tomorrow Woot!

love the fluffy chick Anita!... very cute

I seem to be cycling through weekly at the moment, with one 'up' day a week. Today was it for this week, so yay for that

My friends, well, some of the extrended group of aquaintance, don't seem to a) believe that I am depressed and b) deal well with the fact that it's going on so long. That's a bit challenging at the moment.

My friends are great. The real ones.

I am preparing for my first appt with the new therapist on Monday. I have a limited number of free appointments and a lot of ground to cover, so I hope she doesn't mind that I've prepared a list.

I think that I am going to try not to go back on medication just yet. Trouble is I am having physical symptoms this time round, the extended versions of the ones I normally get. So I suspect that medication is the only way to deal to that in the short term. Maybe once I get the hang of the thinking well thing I can try going off medication again. Because I hate it.

Ramble.

Time for the dizziness to go away now, thanks.

Also up day number 2, yay me! More dizzy though, which is just weird.

I got rolling drunk last night with some friends, one of whom was a boy I had been seeing over the christmas round about time. And actually the end of seeing him was the cause of one of my recent tailspins. Not because he and I were particularly attached but because he represented yet another failure. And honestly, the poor chap, it can't be easy to have someone else's crazy thrown all over you when all you did was meet someone, hang out for a bit and then decide that it wasn't going to go anywhere. Well partly that and partly the ex-girlfriend was coming back into town and he wanted to see if they could reassemble themselves, also totally understandable. Annoying, but better to be met with dignity than "rawar;lskhd;kjhsdflkasdfh".

Yes well. I got drunk and told him off about a whole range of things. Including how she was using him and he liked it. Smart AND sexy, that's me

I sent an apology text message today but he hasn't replied. I am trying not to worry about that. I have no need to worry about it. Nothing I can do about anything from hereon in and nagging him to reply to an apology will just be a) inflicting my crazy on him somemore and b) just not the right thing to do. It just isn't. If he is deeply hurt and offended then that's really sad but I can't force him to tell me that! And if he isn't, or he's got his phone turned off or a million other things then I can't fix it by worrying about it.

But I'm still worrying about it. I hate that I can't turn my head off. I think one thing and nod and say to myself "yes, that's how that is, that's good then" and then Brain goes and thinks and thinks and thinks all the other things and will not be quiet! And Brain is the one that gets to set the mood and then tone! This sucks!

Humph.

Gawd. So the text did get lost in the work phone own phone shuffle (oh god, who read my text then?!) and all is well.

What I'm not so great with is that I didn't bring myself back to ok with it, the ok had to come from outside, from his reconnect and reassurance. I want to be able to soothe myself!

Interesting.

It is possible to feel unlovable and yet know that you are loved at one and the same time.

That's stupid.

there are so many types of love....

hang in there

thanks wowinnz

It's funny. I feel really good and positive about a whole bunch of things today, but at the same time I've told myself three times already today "the reaosn noone loves you is because you're horrible, do something differently, be someone loveable"

man - I want a new brain. A nice one that isn't mean.

Ranty rant rant rant. Rant rant. Raaaaaant. Rawr. Brain be quiet now.

Yesterday = weird.

On the bus on the way in to work I thought to myself "hey, I'm feeling really robust, cool, that's awesome" but within the first hour I'd been reduced to tears and spent the first half of the day in a terrible mood. Second half of the day was a slow lift to being quiet and moody but reasonably cheerful at our friendgroups regular Friday night gathering, to being downright vivacious while driving home with a mate, to having a lovely evening in my own company successfully avoiding thinking about crappy things and reading a really silly book.

I hate to admit this but maybe I am not coping with work. I've been so moody for so long now that people either don't approach me at all or, if they do, it's with a really defensive front - totally fair enough if you don't know whether I'm going to be normal or bite your face off - which in turn makes me feel sad, which makes me feel angry (defence) which makes me unpleasant and face bitey and so on blah blah blah...

I don't want to use my annual leave or sick leave for this, I want to save my leave for saving myself if I need saving later in the year; I just don't think now is the right time for that. So I guess I am going to have to figure out how to a) remain level at work and b) not be hurt by people showing that they have been hurt by me.

I must say though, it would be nice if just one of those assholes could say "yo, is somehting up dude?" instead of getting all wussy and wounded. Particularly one of the three or four that I have done that for in the past year or so. Humph. Anyways. Self-pity does not help. I'm just a bit pissy about that is all.

Heyo TBBD world.

I'm knackered.

Came home from session 2 with new therapist lady with the project of going to the gp and getting some medication - aropax or citralopam - for the anxiety. But I realise that I don't remember properly if I asked her if she thought I should or if she suggested it off her own bat. In other words did I make her say I should go back on medication so that it could be her responsibilty for making me do what I say I don't but really do want to do?

Dunno. Can't actually afford GP visit this week so it can wait until after next weeks appt where I will check. Not that she will probably remember but maybe she will. Or maybe I should just go back on the medication for a wee while until the worst of this has passed and then go off them again (until next time).

Bloody hell next time. Bloody always a bloody next bloody time. FFS.

I am confused. I am 'down' I am foggy and I am just not ok. On the other hand, I'm eating, I'm sleeping, I'm going to work, I'm maintaining relationships. But maybe the other stuff wont go away again without medication. Rawr.

Too hard basket.

So now school and work know. School were lovely, as usual. Work haven't replied to my email as yet, but I sent it at about the same time my manager finishes for the day, so I suspect she will find it first thing in the morning, poor thing.

What if I'm making it up? What if it's all in my head and I just need to pull myself together and stop being self indulgent? What if I made myself vulnerable to these people and I didn't need to?

Sigh. I'm not though. I *could* push through, I've been doing it for years but a) pushing through is hellish on me and everyone around me and b) I don't want to do that anymore, it's counterproductive.

So yeah. Hmmm.

Hi Anita, what did you put in your email? And no you are not self indulgent and you seem lovely to me

I like to think I'm lovely too but what if I'm wrong?

I told her the bones of it really, that I have X that I am doing X and Y about it and that I need time off. and that I can come in and talk about it but that I have a medical certificate until May 3rd.

I'm hoping that she will write back and I get to explain that I am doing X Y Z A1 B1 etc but that's ok.

I wish I didn't get so angry all the time. Then I wouldn't upset everyone around me so much and I wouldn't need time off.