Smileys

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Smileys

Post by smiley on Tue Apr 20, 2010 8:32 am

So here we go again..back on the pills.probably for ever I think..They seem to just balance me out and I am not so tired on these thank goodness..

I dont like the person I become when I am not on these

Paranoid freak

snappy mum

boring sexless wife

sometimes I think...just go and live in another country where there is war and third world conditions ..so pathetic

I feel like the world is too mean all the time

it hurts me so much, all the children and the old people and the animals...what about the rain forests...I worry about everyone and everything and it hurts too much and I cant save everything so I just Hide cause it is too scary out there


No
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Tue Apr 20, 2010 8:56 am

Just had I phone call...the end of an era..Rest in piece Mrs I...No more waves to you over the fence..no more really bad baking..no more hugs for my kids from a little lady smaller that them..no more sharing a roast and checking that the curtains have been opened in the mornings...Just two empty houses now and people at a loss...we will miss you xxxxxxx
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Re: Smileys

Post by Guest on Tue Apr 20, 2010 9:08 am

aawww

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Re: Smileys

Post by daze7 on Tue Apr 20, 2010 9:13 am

Hello smiley ..... Sorry you've lost someone who was close to you and your family. Very sad.

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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Tue Apr 20, 2010 11:16 pm

thanks guys ..She was my Dads Neighbor(he died in January) and I have known her since I was a kid.. It really is the End of that time now
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:30 am

Nothing to say except I love this wee guy he reminds me of Moi affraid
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Fri Apr 23, 2010 2:31 am

not too good today and covering it up as usual. had some people round and then went to bed..thats my secret the bed thing. I lock the door and pretend I am not home and go to bed..Then tell people oh sorry I was out and been soooooo busy...I just lie all the time and also to my husband when he says what did you get up to today...I just couldnt tell him I just lay in bed to scared to go out today...for fuck sake what the hell is so scary!
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Re: Smileys

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 23, 2010 2:39 am


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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Fri Apr 23, 2010 6:41 am

wow could be? but man I am a weirdo ha ha! What a Face
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Re: Smileys

Post by Paddy on Fri Apr 23, 2010 7:07 am

Smiley,
As recently as well, not very long ago, shall we say, I too was hiding from knocks on the door etc. Sometimes, during the day Ďcos my old bed is quite rickety, Iíd take a chance on not being heard and slither down onto the floor so that should a drape be pulled open via the security window, then I could remain unseen on the floor.

I got it to such a fine art that down I could slither, and even when busting to pee (about every 25 minutes for the last several months) I didnít give meself away. I are expert at peeing in a suitably sized jar, sticking the lid back on, not making a mess all in silence. Course, anatomy helps a lot. And the knocker knocking off knocking before 40 minutes are up, cos the jar, well, tis only a jar, sigh.

Smiley hon, tis only a temporary time, this slither-time, I promise you.

At the moment it feels necessary, so donít feel bad about trying to do what your brain stem is screaming at you to do Ė retreat, be silent and hope the enemy doesnít hear the pounding of your blood cos it sounds real loud, donít it, eh?

PaddyPromise, it shall pass, Smiley. cheers You will regain more immediate control of your reactions within your environment. Promise Ya.

In the meantime, do ya really need to be so harsh on you for listening to a primordial hardwired survival message from your brain stem? Nah, I didnít think so. Choice. flower

Paddy.
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Fri Apr 23, 2010 8:20 am

dear Patty,

your post means so much to me ...it is so good for me to see I am not alone in this

I dont seem to be able to stop crying today...just have to breathe
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Sun Apr 25, 2010 4:26 am

went to the dawn parade this morning...makes me feel like shit..just weak and pathetic.. just got to get out of this town affraid I need to be invisible..My poor husband is so wonderful and I am so boring at the moment.."he asks me come on come out or do you want to go out on your own some where? but where can I go where I wont be around these people that know me..I just want to blend..my heart is banging and I just want to be ..I feel like I am in a bubble and I dont connect and everything around me isnt real
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Re: Smileys

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 25, 2010 6:15 am

smiley wrote:I feel like I am in a bubble and I dont connect and everything around me isnt real

Are you reading my mind? I feel like that too. I hope you can find your way through Smile

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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Sun Apr 25, 2010 7:48 am

pink wrote:
smiley wrote:I feel like I am in a bubble and I dont connect and everything around me isnt real

Are you reading my mind? I feel like that too. I hope you can find your way through Smile
yes we can be werdos together ha ha
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Tue Apr 27, 2010 10:55 pm

Had shit week hurt my back on monday morning doing nothing but taking off myPJs for a shower....sprained vertebra..bugger! feelfortyand fucked (ooh squuuuuzy bad manners) had to go see my doc and he cornered me with his lovely face saying "how are you doing" well of course off I went...fuck it I hate when that happens..He sees me every day at school when I pick up the kids and he said he knows when I am feeling crap...grrrr and I thought I hid it so well...now I feel paranoid that everyone will see me as the weirdo that I know I am ...and the house is a mess and my friend wants to come and help me...I hate having to be helped
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Re: Smileys

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:57 am

you could CHOOSE to be helped... Choose to have her feel welcome and useful. I wish I could help you somehow, that would make you feel good.

Your Dr may just know how you feel because he does see you everyday, and he also knows your medical background, so he is able to fill in the gaps.. I'm sure you dont have letters three feet high screaming out that you feel C.R.A.AP ( what coulour would they be if you did? )... most people dont notice whats in front of them anyway. ( sweeping generalisations are my forte)

Just think what a marvellous person you are and remember everyone needs help from time to time.. .. everyone...

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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:27 am

wowinnz you are too...Marvellous I mean
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Re: Smileys

Post by Guest on Wed Apr 28, 2010 2:28 am

ta.. i don't suppose you could get her to pop round to my place?

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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:18 am

na but I will *hops on broom and screaks madly*
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Sat May 01, 2010 12:14 am

saturday again and its groundhog day from my own making..bloody back still sore and wonderful hubby vaccumed for me and has now taken the kids for a bike ride

my life just stretches out infront and I keep thinking is this IT

Oh my is this it never any excitement..where has my passion gone my fire my feelings

I love my husband my children my friends but it all just seems so removed

I have traveled the world and done so many exciting things but now just the thought of trying to arrange a holiday just freaks me out its just too hard

I want to live again

I am tired of being paranoid and wanting to be liked

what the hell is that about..who really cares if not everyone likes me
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Sun May 02, 2010 10:22 pm

Dad today I am missing you so much and really want to talk to you..problem is I want to talk to you as you were five years ago not as you were before you died..I am not ready to be without you...you were my rock, never changing.
.now my home will be gone and I will have no place to go home to...I dont want to clean out all the memories from that part of my childhood because before that home my life was hell..its not a pretty home its old and dark and not really clean cause of course you werent a clean freak(thankgod). But the wall paper looks like birds and the couch is broken where I would jump on it like a trampoline and it smells like home..all my pets are buried in the back yard and you would mow around the trees or crosses I made and I would bring them home to you when they died
. I want my kids to know the younger you who could fix anything and would stop what you were doing to help..I know you were ready to go but I wasnt ready to be without you
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Wed May 12, 2010 8:57 am

Had a fantastic weekend and mothers day...so good to get off the island and I am feeling so good and the sky is blue
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Tue May 18, 2010 9:24 am

had a fight with lovely husband tonight about having to clear out dads house. I know I have to do it and sell it, I know this but I am still not ready...My poor man he really got it in the neck...sorry babe I still love you but its so hard for me.

I looked after a wee foster child today and what a we sweety ...

Ya cant save the world but you can make it a better place bit by bit

I have been out and about again a little.. still on a small scale but better!Still having trouble going into town and still no super market!Must do the super market or it will start to become a THING! and get bigger and bigger!!!

I am ment to go to a birthday party this weekend but I cant face it..the problem is I already said I was sick last year when it was her birthday and didnt go..dam it..maybe one of the kids can have a fever or something..problem is now they will let it slip that they werent sick..bugger bugger......Of course I could always be let down by the babysitter...AHAH!!!
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Re: Smileys

Post by smiley on Mon Jun 21, 2010 2:21 am

where is the joy....

I am board but at a loss to change things as I dont want to change

I prefer the safety of my closed in world
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