just a groan..

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just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Wed Mar 24, 2010 11:58 pm

Why am I like this?

I have so much going for me. A good job, loving partner. A house, two wonderful cats. I have support.
Yet i can't completely shake this thing off me.

It's like I don't want to get any better...but why? Why do I feel this way?

Medication works, but only to stop the tears, etc. It doesn't stop how you think, what you think, the way you think - well for me anyway.

I've been to a councillor, but it's just not helping anymore. I'm so confused as to what to do.

I'm sick of it, but I know I can't do anything drastic as when I think about doing something like that it scares me so much. I feel like i'm stuck in a hole, a hole just out of reach for me to escape. Taunting me and teasing me, but i'm unable to do anything.


I feel at such a loss. Even though I do not feel sad, I do not feel suicidal at the moment, I still feel 'numb' I suppose. Numb to the world and what it has to offer.
Numb to life and how great it is for me.

I don't feel like I deserve this place
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Re: just a groan..

Post by daze7 on Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:19 am

Hello Qwerky ..... I was just thinking today 'I wonder how Qwerky is?'

Sometimes depression is just a 'blah' feeling - about everything.

Hugs, Daze
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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:53 am

I'm just completely over it. I wish no one cared about me, no one noticed if I left this planet. I thought I was starting to recover, ha! I suppose i'm not good enough for that to happen.

Why are things just too hard? Why do people still bother try?
It blimm'in impossible.
I"m shattered and I don't want to do it anymore.
I know I can't hurt the people I love, but that is slowly disappearing and I'll be left with nothing.

Sad
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Mon Mar 29, 2010 5:35 am

Hey qwerky

Not doing so good ay? Sorry I have been soooo shoddy at keeping in touch.

Why are things so hard? Well, shit happens and we all have to cope with it. Things might feel like they are impossible, but they are not - really, take it from me.

What you are experiancing is normal. Nothing else. Just normal. Numbness, emptyness, worthlessness.... we are all accustomed to it.

We need to find out what is really the pain for us. The nagging mental pain, you know the one.... it hangs around and we don't really know why we are feeling the way we feel, we try to get rid of it, but pow! there it is again. Sucks dunnit?

But...

Once we find out what this pain is we start to heal. Please little flower (and my good friend) please be very gentle on yourself, you are the only one who can. We can only help you find yourself.

flower

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:00 am

Forgive me partner, for I have sinned,
It has been about a 8 months since my last confession.

I promised you I wouldn't do it any longer,
I promised I would talk to you,
I promised not to touch my arms,
I promsed not to hurt you.

I'm sorry that i'm not in control,
I'm sorry the pain you'll see,
I'm sorry I went behind your back,
I'm sorry you still love me.

I know I've hurt you,
I know I still do,
You know I love you,
I love you for you.

Please forgive me,
As I tend to forget,
the pain I just caused myself,
The scars I'll regret.

I just had to do it,
And now I feel calm,
I'm sorry the pain I'll cause you
I'm sorry that I harm.

Once again, please forgive me,
I'm sorry it's my fault,
I will completely understand,
If you really want to bolt.

But I hope you don't.


I love you
xxx
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Anita on Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:21 am

saying the right thing

hoping you feel the love and support without any feeling of pressure

wanting to let you know that that goddamn horrible voice in your brain can be mastered - it must be able to be - we will prevail and we will win and we will walk free
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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Mon Mar 29, 2010 8:23 am

I do hope
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Tue Mar 30, 2010 6:50 pm

Nice poem Qwerky, well written.

It is always better when written from the heart and is truthful. How are the scars now? Do you hide them?

Qwerky, stop, look and listen to yourself. If it were me, what would you be thinking and doing?

You have been here before, and you have managed to work out of this... please give yourself time.

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:20 pm

I had the confidence to not cover my arms last week, but now I can't bare for people to see. My partner understands, I can be myself with him.

I'm just beyond it. I can't hurt my partner, I realy can't, but there is nothing else for me here. *sigh*
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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:30 am

I'm so over my life, my job - everything.

I'd rather just not be here any longer.
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Re: just a groan..

Post by smiley on Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:00 am

hi qwerky...I dont know you but hope you are OK Neutral
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:32 pm

Qwerky, Qwerky

I think both you and I know the root cause of this - have you started to deal with that 'incident' that happened a while ago now?

Dealing with things and working through them is the key. Well it has been for me anyway. Have you written that incident down and reviewed it? It is upsetting - but it could be the start of cleansing for you.

It could make you angry, it could make you sad. It certainly wont make you happy, but seeing it there, in black and white (or blue and white) in all it's glory will help in the long run.

It hurts, I know, I have been there and done that. I relate to that feeling. Personally I was so overwhelmed when I read what I had written (on here of course - you may find it beneficial to write privately)

Personally I found this 'facing up' to incidents the beginning of the healing process. It was a step in the right direction for me.

Try it - it might just work for you (and make that dog run away!)

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Thu Apr 15, 2010 8:43 pm

Nope, it's my job - Nothing I do is right.

This place is driving me insane and I seriously can't handle it anymore.

When I think about coming to work, All I do is cry.
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:04 pm

.


Last edited by wowinnz on Fri Mar 18, 2011 4:00 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:03 pm

There really isn't anything anymore.
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:39 pm

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:14 pm

Some of the people I work with are really nice

From how other people see me i'm lively and helpful. Friendly and bubbly.
But the two 3 people who I work with, who know about my depression see all the things I do wrong. I am so angry still that my boss told the others about my person problem without asking me first. I'll never forgive her for that.

I just know that they'll never really let me improve because they know about me and they don't trust me. So to be able to grow i need to move on
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:05 am

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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:10 am

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:18 am

The reason she told them was because I told her I went to a mental hospital for a night and she told the others because she let out a big sigh of shock, so apparently she had to tell the others because they had to know.....BULL S**T!!!!!!!

There is no way I want to talk to them about it. I don't trust any of them enough anymore. But they don't trust me either, except I don't care.

They know how I am and they know i'm sensitive, yet when I do something wrong that isn't a huge deal, they tell me they're getting really sick of me making mistakes.

I just have to get out of here. I know they would prefer me not to be here, it would mena they wouldn't have to look over my shoulder. But mind you, I am so bored in my current job, that it makes me even more sad.
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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Fri Apr 16, 2010 12:25 am

I hate my life!
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:44 am

.


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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:09 am

Something to help out the community..possibly?

Otherwise I really don't know. I don't know how long I want to be on this earth for
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Re: just a groan..

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:46 am

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Re: just a groan..

Post by qwerky90 on Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:54 am

I just wish I could wake up and nothing hurts, i'm not sad. I wake up every day, excited to get up, excited to start the day.
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Re: just a groan..

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