Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

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Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:42 am

i ve sunk into a dark hole tonite - could feel things starting to slide but havent been able to get on top of them,
Im stiill crying and find it hard to type.
I cant stop shakng
I feel so alone and scared - i think my bf will tell me its over tomorrow, its been coming for a while now I think - im not the person he met, she was fun now shes like a wet blanket - who would want to be with thet? The more insecure i get the further he seems to withdraw and I still love him - its killing me watching tthis happen,
I wANT to be happy again - i hate the way I feel, empty, tired and very alone.

Its all my fault -nothing I love stays for long .....IM obvioulsy ugly outside and in
My friend says to end the relationship, that it would be better for me but I dont agree, before he came along my life was pretty mundaNE and then he came and I thought I had really found the one, kind loving supportive and I felt so special - i FELT ALIVE!!!- but not know .... he doesnt use the pet name he had for me anymore, hardle cuddles me and seems dstracted. Hes in town tomorrow for two days but has made arrangements to go out with colleagues, one is a femaile he has just become good friends with and he has fold me she is fun to be around (man that hrut) - but he says nothing is happeniing there! But the monster in my head doest beleive him.

Im scared, i hate being down here in the mire with no lights to guide me out. My family dont live in this country and my friends are few and far between and tend to avoid me when Im in this space.

I hate who I am i hate everything about me - i want it all to end but last time I tried I failed at the too. I feel totally and utterly useless.

If there is a god I hope he reads this and brings me a torch and a guide line.








[img][/img]


Last edited by is_it_me on Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:22 am; edited 3 times in total
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:53 am

i want to sleep but my head wont let me - its buzzing and working overtime. I have to be at work by 730 tomorrow and all clued up and ready to go .... I dont know if I can face it - too many ppl - I cant think straight.
My results come back from my scan tomorrow - they were checking for a growth in my abdomen - and Im more worried about losing my b/f how weird is that?
This space scares me, really scares me.
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Sun Mar 21, 2010 2:12 am

Well my b/f of four years has decided to walk away - he doesnt understand why Im not getting better, after all the ads on TV show ppl getting better quickly - he doesnt understand that those ppl probably took years and its been abbreviated for TV, at his age you wouldve thought that would've been obvious.
I feel so low today - I still love him as much as I did when we met, I have depression but I feel like Im some kinda monster -
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Guest on Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:12 am

In the journal section, unless 'welcome to reply' is jotted down, 'we' tend not to jump in....but I just needed to, cause I wanted you to know that I'm listening and wanted also to send you a big

Arohanui is_it_me


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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Sun Mar 21, 2010 3:16 am

Thank you for responding and for the big hug - it hurts to know I have lost someone that meant the world to me.
I didnt realise people didnt respone in here 'anyone is welcome to reply' on what I say -
i thought if I let things out of my head it might help me feel better, something less to carry around with me!.
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Guest on Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:20 am

do you feel any lighter for having shared these thoughts.?. I hope so..

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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Mon Mar 22, 2010 5:02 am

Smile funnily enough I did !!- and today was a brighter day and I actually achieved some small jobs I had hoped to do at the weekend and I did something for me too!

Thanks guys for your support and for listening (reading) - its appreciated
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:21 am

I have had some time away from here, my meds have been reduced to a level that are effectively non existant and I have started on the natural ones. I seem to be holding it together quite well. I seem to deal with stress at work reasonable well - at least I have disintegrate into tears which used to happen alot when i was on the prescribed meds. Im still struggling to sleep all night though but thats nothing unusual. its early days yet- things could get better.
The only thing that does get to me is the emptiness that has been left now that my b/f has gone - my heart hurts so much, a really deep hurt like on some level it has broken. I miss hearing from him - I thought we could stay friends but it doesnt appear that way. I bumped into him on Saturday, gave my heart such a jolt, he said 'Hi', but je kept on walking and it hurt. How can someone walk out of your life and then act like you were never existed?
It made me cry (when I got home) and I started to wonder what is wrong with me to make people want to ignore me that way - am I that bad a person, i never did anything nasty to him or is loving him considered bad?
Im struggling to understand what went wrong with our relationship, to understand why I have so few friends in my life, why my family never contacts me. WHY, WHY, WHY - how can I move forward if I dont understand why i keep ending up on the outside looking in, what am i doing that pushes people away, that stops them liking or loving me?
Im really tired, my heart hurts and my head aches.....
i just need to focus on getting thru the night without thoughts of him waking me - tomorrow things could be better, maybe tomorrow i will fall out of love with him....maybe
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Anita on Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:01 pm

is_it_me wrote: How can someone walk out of your life and then act like you were never existed?
It made me cry (when I got home) and I started to wonder what is wrong with me to make people want to ignore me that way - am I that bad a person, i never did anything nasty to him or is loving him considered bad?
Im struggling to understand what went wrong with our relationship, to understand why I have so few friends in my life, why my family never contacts me. WHY, WHY, WHY - how can I move forward if I dont understand why i keep ending up on the outside looking in, what am i doing that pushes people away, that stops them liking or loving me?

It's not you. It's not. The hardest thing to do when you're down in it is to remember that other people are often just as complicated and self-involved as you are right now. And that's fine. That's just people being people. Maybe he walked on because it hurt too much to stop or maybe he's just not very good at expression and feeling; either way that's about him not you. It's not you. You are you and you being you is a wonderful, unique and loveable thing.

Hugs and loads of loving thoughts.
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Guest on Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:30 pm

Hi is_it_me

big cyber space ones. I'm really impressed with the positives, meds, coping at work, well done, and hug accolades. You are doing so well, It's great to hear you are looking at the positives. My mother said "Time is a good healer". Sounds contrite when yah in pain.

I hope with some 'you time' - the do something nice for you, self time, that today you will find something that makes you smile.


Aroha

Very Happy

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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Sun Apr 11, 2010 10:07 am

Thanks guys - its great tp have such supportive ppl on here - my invisible support!
Very much appreciated - Thank you.

Natural meds seem to be working really well - and I think I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now where i was unable to see one before.
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Anita on Sat Apr 17, 2010 1:40 am

Awesome to hear the natural meds are helping it_is_me, that's awesome Very Happy
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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Mon May 10, 2010 8:37 am

Im still on natural meds and doing pretty well - Im proud of myself, have had a few little hiccups but managed to get through them without falling apart at the seams. Ive even started to eat properly. But there are still those days when you know that the black dog isnt far behind ...

Work has started to get me down lately, frustration with the hopeless way they manage the business! I think work wouldnt seem that bad if my ex hadnt visited me a few weeks ago.
We went out to dinner - it was a great night, it felt like old times, and at the end of the evening he kissed me .... lol - god I sound like a teenager but it felt so nice to be with him again and he seemed so relaxed - I truly thought that maybe he was going to give it another try but NO, i misread the situation - we are just friends apparently . When did I change from being his lover, soulmate, partner to just a friend? It wasnt that long ago that we were together .
I feel like my whole world has turned upside down again - Im hurting and upset ..I know I can get through this, I know I can but I dont know how to deal with the feelings I have for him or how i should react when we are near each other.... Damn it i should know better - its not like Im a teenager, but I have never felt that strongly for anyone before.
I miss him so much, i feel so alone without him near and I miss talking to him - it felt like a different world when he was with me . Was it the breakdown that made him go or was he going to go before that happened? I guess that is an answer i will never really know ....
I wonder if lonliness or lack of love causes depression or whether depression can cause lonliness and lack of love - bit like the chicken and the egg really!
My counsellor told me that she thought I should accept the fact that I may not find another partner and that would change my outlook - didnt help me when she said it - made me feel even worse (lol) its not something I want to accept cos I dont want to be on my own forever and I know wishing that he would come back wont work either. So for now I will talk with you journal cos you wont break my heart.
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Post by Anita on Tue May 11, 2010 6:23 am

Hey is_it_me. I'm sorry that things are hard right now, breaking up is horrible! But I'm glad that your natural meds are still good and that you're eating, these things are very important!

Maybe what your counsellor was trying to get at was trying to find a way to be happy being you without dwelling on the lonlieness thing. Maybe a better way to think about it would be to let go of the idea of a partner and look at ways to love yourself, rather than saying "accept you will be alone for the rest of your life" which is just a silly thing to say anyway!

Maybe. I may also be misinterpreting what your counsellor said. Hmmm. I don't know.
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Post by is_it_me on Tue May 11, 2010 10:02 am

Thanks Anita - I like the way you put it - sounds alot nicer.
I like the posts you do - you sound a very caring person and I really appreciate what you say.
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Post by Guest on Tue May 11, 2010 8:19 pm

another way to phrase it ;

understand you wont be with him, enjoy and get to know yourself and, if it is meant to be, you can create a space to bring someone else into your life when you are ready..

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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Guest on Wed May 12, 2010 5:02 am

HI, is_it_me

I'm popping in to give you a cyber-space hug. I too like Anita's way with replies - the one below is spot on. I wrote a lot of other stuff, but when I read back over it this morning, it didn't sit well with me - sorry (Tiz hard sometimes - words have a way of getting muddled up)

I'm not gunna muddle up this next sentence. flower

LOTS and lots of HUGS, thinking of you and hope sincerely, that with some time and space from (ex) you'll find your way.

Poetry flower


Last edited by Poetry on Sat Jun 05, 2010 1:14 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : ::::)))))))

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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by Anita on Wed May 12, 2010 6:00 am

Smile

One very practical way I have found to avoid romantic lonliness is to avoid the things that we are surrounded by that deal specificially with romantic love as the be all and end all of life. I don't read women's magazines, avoid tv as much as possible - and definitely don't watch things like Grey's Anatomy! - and try not to read books or watch movies that are all about relationships. It means I watch a lot more action films but that's ok I guess Very Happy
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Post by is_it_me on Sun May 16, 2010 2:23 am

What is it about weekends that make me feel so flat - too much time on my own I suppose. At least when Im working Im so flat tack I dont have time to think about anything but the job in hand.
Im still struggling to understand what I feel in regard to my ex, in the last week or so I have discovered some lies that he told me when we were together and it hurts, but instead of thinking to hell with him - I want to talk to him to try to understand why he felt he had to lie - as if he will tell me the truth this time when he lied initially.
I wonder if my inability to deal with this issue is because Im depressed or whether it is part of the reason I feel depressed.!! Here we go again, round and round in circles -
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Post by Guest on Sun May 16, 2010 2:40 am

been there babe.. hang in there.

the laywer at IRD showed how dense people can be the other day . sid I could set up a private arrangement with my ex..... yeah right... not sure which planet she was on but I hope she's happy there

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Post by Guest on Sun May 16, 2010 7:44 am

is_it_me wrote:What is it about weekends that make me feel so flat - too much time on my own I suppose. At least when Im working Im so flat tack I dont have time to think about anything but the job in hand.
Ditto! It makes me totally question if I'm really depressed or just lazy and bored.

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Re: Trials and tribulations - my journal - trying to understand things - Responses welcome

Post by is_it_me on Sun May 23, 2010 8:02 am

Im struggling this weekend - feel quite scattered, forgetting conversations, focus is crap - Im not sure whats going on in me at the moment, have had a few probs at work but nothing major, friends and family have passed comments that have really hurt and Im not sure if Im being supersensitive or they are being abit harsh!
I was walking with my dog tonite and noticed how the sun which was pale and lacking warmth, was trying to shine through an dull, overcast sky - it kinda looked like a headlight surrounded by fog - and I thought, it kinda symbolised how I was feeling at this stage. Trying to push through all the 'fog' that is in my life.
Tomorrow is another day and hopefully a better one.
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Post by is_it_me on Sun May 23, 2010 8:05 am

wowinnz wrote:been there babe.. hang in there.

the laywer at IRD showed how dense people can be the other day . sid I could set up a private arrangement with my ex..... yeah right... not sure which planet she was on but I hope she's happy there

Dont try the private arrangement with your husband I got sent down that track a million years ago and the b***t**d didnt pay - I ended up having to take him to court for payment - it cost me an absolute fortune ... and I didnt need the stress from it either.
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Post by is_it_me on Sun May 23, 2010 8:08 am

pink wrote:
is_it_me wrote:What is it about weekends that make me feel so flat - too much time on my own I suppose. At least when Im working Im so flat tack I dont have time to think about anything but the job in hand.
Ditto! It makes me totally question if I'm really depressed or just lazy and bored.


I dont think its laziness or boredom - I usually keep myself pretty busy - its more the emptiness, no-one around and too many memories!
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Post by Guest on Sun May 23, 2010 8:19 am

is_it_me wrote:I dont think its laziness or boredom - I usually keep myself pretty busy - its more the emptiness, no-one around and too many memories!

Sorry I didn't mean to insinuate that you are lazy or bored, just that I am! Very Happy

I get the thing about the emptiness - I didn't even manage to get dressed today.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow sunny

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