this ones for meeee

dear diary lol
i aint been in here for such a long time
my old folks home job fell thru
they werent paying wot they told me they were gunna pay
so i left
coz i actually couldnt afford to go
so i am with out work atm
but i am still studying
which is what i am ment to be doing right now
but i am procrastinating
i dont know why
coz its my last assignment for this paper
if i just put my head down i would get it done
and then i will have passed something!!!!!!!!
imagine that!!!

fuck it stupid head
its almost i am sooooooo close and now i want to pull the plug
sabotage myself again
how crazy is that????
i will do it
i know i will

i just go make a coffee
and DO IT!

JUst had a wee look back on my journal from the begining, and man im glad im not in that head space any more
i seem to be less anxious off my meds
BUT i feel less happy, not misreble but just a bit blah
so
thats interesting is it not?

i have been thinking about going back on them because i was starting to think my depression was coming back
but
now
i am not so sure
i think i will give it a lil more time
im not having anxiety attacks, im not crying all day
i feel fairly even in myself
actually a little more assertive, which is really odd
but
good
so i will keep an eye on myself
and get back to myself on that .

the ok feeling was short lived
seems that i cant last too long with out being on meds
i am ok with that
its just the way it is
better to get it sorted than to go way down into th pit of dispair
i actually got a bit frightened about how bad i really felt

so.....
am back on my meds
am feeling pretty crook
nausea sore head wonky brain, crook guts
cant sleep
its early days day 4
it will get better i know
i wish it didnt have to be so hard is all
i want to get better not feel wersa!
i know it takes time
hurry the fuck up time!

but on a lightner note
i passed my first paper!!!!!!\
how kewl is that???
i actually did it, for real!!!!

been on my meds for a couple of weeks now
the anxiety is there lingering
its annoying
and i feel jumpy, but unable to put the energy to good use
sux!!!
its bothersome
not overwhelming
i am ment to be studying, but i am avoiding it
i dont know why
its so silly really
i feel so uncomfortable not doing it
but seem to find twenty million other things that need doing
i reken i should study til 3pm
then i can feel better about it

big son is seeing a shrink
second session was yesturday
seems ok with it now
wasnt keen at first

lil son is struggling wif father abandoning him
he bit of a mess

i have no idea what to do about that
except tell him that thnigs will get better
but he says his life is awful and nothing will get better

i wish i could fix it.

had a wee breakdown last week that has lasted since then
seems the meds i was on werent doing their job
so now after coming off them
i am on efexor
i hope it works
from what i have read its nasty to come off
i dont think i will be coming off them any time soon, if they work
im starting in a fairly low dose as i dont tolerate meds very well
i really am hoping and praying that this one duz the trick
coz i am sick of this depression bastard visiting me
i am over it!!!!!!!

have been slowing increasing my dose over the last month
i am finally up to a whole tab now
been day three or four
feel a bit manic
and not all that happy
but will wait and see how it goes
coz i have to give it a chance
spoke to the father of my lil one today
he said he isnt ready to give up his addiction
that he will see his son when he is ready
didnt care that it hurts the boy
just wanted me to fix things for our son
wants me to make up shit
so that the boy wont feel bad
he then said that the only reason i was with him at all was because once we got pregnant he stuck around, coz he was the only bloke id had who would stick around
that really hurt
so i am over it
i will make sure my son is ok
but i am over that shit fuck creep of a man
disgusting addict that he is
i know addiction changes you, i was an addict
so i know where his head is at
and coz i know
i can quite safely say
he can go and get fucked
i hope he makes it thru , i do
but me and my kids, may or may not be here for him if he does.
he dun this too many times
and this time
i am over it

well alot has happened since i was last in here
i had a wee break down
my meds that i was one apparently were what caused it
i had been on them for three years previous, so seemed odd
but my dr said that sometimes they can decrease your dopemine levels and then u just wanna cry
which is what i was doing
i have been on a new drug for the past couple of months
effexor
its a snri
and it seems to be working today
its been playing with my head a bit
but i think i am coming right
im on 150mg and have been for the past couple of weeks
i really hope this one works
it feels like it might.
my big son left school and has casual work at the local supermarket
he is doing really well
my lil son is doing much better
he was seeing a lovely lady to talk to
which has helped
his dad is out of the picture completely
told me he isnt ready to be drug free, so cant be a dad atm
wanker
but at least i made him say it.
so there we go
everything is working out good
i have a new car that is legal!!! yay
i just need a job, otherwise christmas will be off!

christmas was not like our usual christmas
i felt numb thru the whole festive season
on the 11th of december my friends three yr old daughter was found dead in the river next to her house
we had been looking for her for four hours
when the tide had dropped her father saw her against one of the boats and pulled her out
we are all thankful she has not gone down the river, that the boat had stopped her
but, this has made xmas less enjoyable, i have been helping my mate with her kids, have had them stay with me off and on
their father went loopy took off, got drunk and drugged up
was no use to anyone
was horrible to everyone
arsehole
then i had my lil sons father come bak into our life,
fried up
gave me money, gave his son a cell ph so he can txt or ring any time
but has disapeared again, and wont awnser the texts or phone calls
bastard!!! its more painful to watch than before
why on earth he has done this i have no idea
i guess he thort it was nice a gesture, and was until he decided he wasnt going to talk to his son again.
fuckin makes me soooo mad
so my boy is sad again
i am sad, my mate is grieving for her child, i am grieving for her loss
its all a bit messy

Hi Mista,

how are things going now?

wow
i havent been in here for ages and ages, infact a year has gone by

things have not changed that much
my mind is still bothersome
i did do a 6 month course tho
and i completed it
so that was good
am struggling to find work
so have applied to do nursing degree this yr