The invisible girl.

Well, it sounds like youre not invisible and not floating alone, but that you have your doctor and a counsellor there giving support.

I think sometimes its really hard to stop looking at the same old script that goes on in your head and question the reality of it. Its like being programmed to think a certain thing, and then when other stuff is there that goes against it, you forget to question the original script.

I suppose another update to this journal is required. I don't expect or really need any feedback, but find this useful to keep track of where my thoughts have been going over time. It's been interesting reading back to what I thought was going on back then, and compare it to where I am now. The fact that I still think of myself as part of this forum tells you I am not out of the woods yet.

Nothing much has changed since I last updated this. I have gained a little more weight, got a little bit older, but haven't really moved ahead. I ended up having only 3 sessions with the counsellor, and didn't really get anything of value out of it, apart from going on 5-HTP. I am still on it, and take 100mg morning and night. It must be doing me some good, because every time I decide to stop taking it (it's not cheap) I seem to slip back further down into the black hole.

I wasn't sure what to expect from counselling sessions, but I wasn't impressed. The first session involved me telling her my history, which she didn't seen overly interested in, and the only suggestion she had was that every time I felt overwhelmed, I should "sit up straight, take a deep breath, and wriggle my shoulders." In the second session she suggested I might like to take some time out for myself, so I went away for a weekend which turned out to be a depressing disaster, and in the third session she admitted the only thing she could say was that, given my history, she was impressed that I was coping as well as I was! (I don't call suicide attempts coping well!)

She didn't think that any more sessions would help me, since I was already doing so well. My GP who referred me to her has since resigned and left town, so I can't go back there either.

I'm just floating along now, waiting... waiting for what I sometimes ask myself, but just floating with no goals, no aims, and no discernible future. I am still working at a dead end job - boring and low paid, but better than the dole and it gets me away from the house most days. I'm only a casual, so the work is not steady or predictable, and no chance of improving my situation. My husband is still working from home, and still not getting paid (the project will be finished and start paying real soon - honest!) It's been 4 years since he had a steady income, and I am now the sole income earner of the family. My 20 yr old works for his Dad, and is therefore also earning nothing, but since he considers himself working, will not sign up for the dole. (And of course can't pay board, or even put petrol in the car).

So, here I am, still waiting for something to change. I fear that if I keep on like this, I will go back to what happened when I first started this journal. I hover now somewhere between bankruptcy, madness and fading away altogether.
But occasionally I fantasise about breaking away - walking away to start again. I could support myself in a little rented place on my own, I just can't support 4. Maybe one day I will have enough courage, strength and solidity to be able to say "ENOUGH!", to stop the merry-go-round, and to start again from scratch. one day, but I'm not quite solid enough to do it yet. It's not easy walking away from 28 years of marriage, 2 sons, and a financial situation which can only be saved by Lotto or bankruptcy.