Am I contagious?

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Am I contagious?

Post by claire_sky on Mon Nov 09, 2009 12:27 am

Have been with my partner for 4 years now. Things have been good and bad. Mostly good. Hes a good man has always treated me well. Family and friends can't say enough nice things about him etc. So hes your typical good guy, right. He lifts me up when im down, he carries my share of the load and always makes me laugh and lets me know im loved.

Well over the last few months his personality has changed ALOT. Hes becoming more like me. We are very distant from each other at the moment as Im always tired, want to be left alone, have no energy to go anyway to much social anxiety to go out and make friends etc. Now he can't sleep at all, has got alot more emotional to the point of tears - never really seen him cry before, he says he feels sad and alone and has no goals in life anymore! - those are all my problems which i think ive now given to him!!! Am i contagious? Did he catch depression off me?

There is no way he will see a doctor. Ive been through all this many times and yet I can't help him! I think ive caused it! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

claire_sky

Number of posts : 201
Location : Auckland
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 09, 2009 12:51 am

Sky you are NOT contageous, please don't take that on board as you already have enough challenges in your life. As for your partner, I obviously can't say what his problem is, all I can say is to encourage him to go and see somebody, even on the pretext of talking about you. Maybe you can go and see someone together then while you discuss your issues, his will come out also. Best of luck. Judy

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:32 am

Hi Claire,
We all go through tough times in your life. I know it can be scarey, when somebody who is usually your rock is showing signs of instability.

But my advice is not to overreact... give him a hug and a kiss, because things are tough for him now, but be confident that he'll bounce back.

JK.

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by claire_sky on Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:21 am

Thanks you guys! I appreciate your support and your advice. I had my man sit in on my counselling session today. It was good. He didnt say much but he listened so I think it went well. I hope to talk more with him tonight about what he thought of the session.

Thanks JK you are right, i do overreact and I was going to do and say and make some really drastic decisions, breaking up etc. Because I dont want to be the cause of his pain. Well that would be incredibly selfish not to mention hypocritical of me when he has done so much for me and the time he needs me I run away screaming! Good one claire.

Lets see how we go tonight.
thanks again

claire_sky

Number of posts : 201
Location : Auckland
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by peterpam on Tue Nov 10, 2009 4:54 am

Hi there Claire hun, could you maybe invite him into the partners section here and we may be able to help. Hun I know you have the best intentions when you talk about breaking up for his sake, but believe me as an ex partner of someone who was in your situation, PLEASE think before you do this, he is an adult, let him decide and make decistions for himself. if he needs to, he will and can save himself. There is every chance he loves you to pieces but just doesn't know how to cope and help. He needs support, just as you have, think before you break his or your heart. I encourage you to open up and let him do the same, its a very hard road being a partner, but honey, I'm sure he thinks it is sooo worth it, just tell him how much you love him and that alone will give him some strenght. Big hugs to both of you.

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by laworder on Thu Nov 12, 2009 1:46 pm

I am in your partner's position- my partner's depression ended up having an effect on me - it isn't contagious, but he DOES need to go and get support and help. I have done so, am now on Citalopram, which is helping a bit. He needs to talk to somebody, which reminds me, I need to make an appointment with my therapist for another session.

Getting him to sit in on your counselling session was a really good idea. I went and had a session with my partner's counsellor, me and him together. I got referred to my therapist as an outcome of that.

I hope things go well when you talk to him tonight, that is something else you both needed to do- sit down together, and talk about what BOTH your goals and dreams are, and work out a way for you both to achieve some of them. Perhaps he has lost hope that things will get better? That is a tough one, but sitting down and talking things through will be a big step towards addressing that.

Also, make sure he gets to spend some time with friends, they will be a source of support for him.

But the best advice I think is that which JK gave - give him a hug and let him know he is appreciated. Works wonders when my partner does it to me.

Regards
Peter
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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by claire_sky on Mon Nov 16, 2009 2:14 am

Hi again.

Thank you peterpam for your post and you too laworder it really is nice to hear the other sides perspective! Gosh I don't know what side im on but i know i have definately had an effect on my partner!. He's been quite sick this week so he went to the doctor and we had talked about how tired he is and has no energy etc and I told him to tell the doctor everything about how hes feeling etc. Well the stubborn male that he is went and told the doctor that hes fine just has a sore throat. I asked him later why he didnt tell the doctor about his lack of sleep and he said and i quote "ahh ill be right we just need to spend quality time together"

So I think the "fun" in his life has pretty much died now that I am such a kill joy. I will encourage him to spend time with his family and friends too and Im trying to make time for us as a couple too. I get sooooooo tired easily though and it is a struggle and I hate myself for it and hate what its doing to him.

Will work on talking about goals etc.

thanks for the ideas and support guys. Means alot to me. Thank you!

claire_sky

Number of posts : 201
Location : Auckland
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by daze7 on Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:18 am

Hello Claire_sky, I have been meaning to add something here for a while.

No, you're not contagious! But, I know it is very difficult for a partner not to be affected watching someone experiencing depression. Feelings of powerlessness can surface ... they may feel at a loss to help. Adjustments need to be made. It is almost like each needs their own 'programme' or coping stategies to help. Communication is VERY important.

My husband has found it very difficult living with me. (And he has had his own 'depressing' times). - I once asked him how I was different and he said 'you've lost your sparkle' - when I told my Dr this he said 'well, we'll have to get it back!' And in some ways I have more 'sparkle' than before (at times).

I was looking for one of my books which has useful info - I think it is 'Think Like a Shrink' by Joe Dunn (as NZer who works in Aus) but I can't find it just now!

Take heart - you're not alone with you thoughts. .... Daze
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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by Martine on Sun Jan 10, 2010 1:20 pm

Funny daze that's exactly what my husband says to me

"You;ve lost you're sparkle" I also recognize that he has lost his too and have to make a huge challenging effort to go over the door to a movie or something just so he can feel human.

And this is two mental health registered nurses married and living together.

I sometimes wonder if it is contagious because we were not like this when we started out working in mental health.

Burned out I suppose.

Martine

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Location : Christchurch
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Re: Am I contagious?

Post by Guest on Sun Sep 26, 2010 7:59 am

Hey Skye Like your Dogs,

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Re: Am I contagious?

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