I'm a failure

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I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Wed Sep 30, 2009 10:32 am

If it's not bad enough that I spent most of this morning at home crying over anything I got to work today and the boys had left a pallet full of stock in the chiller, and hadn't even touched the frozen pallets and as a result you couldn't even get in the freezer door without climbing over the pallets, for bout the first 2 hours I was just wandering around, trying to work out where to start and what to do coz the shop wasn't full either. After I realised that it wasn't achieving anything, and when I thought I had myself under control I went down to the seafood dept to see Harley (duty manager) and told him that I couldn't do it, he asked what was up and well that had me in tears telling him, so he put his stuff away and I went with him to see Marj (store and temp dept manager).

She explained a bit what was happening, but what she was explaining solves the problem long term from next week, it doesn't get through today though, then Harley came down with me to check out the back chiller and freezer and he was able to tell me straight away what we would do. So he said he'd deal with the freezers and was able to guide me with where to start in the chiller, he also got one of the grocery guys to do the milk fridge tonight so I didnít have to worry about that either.

So now I feel like a failure even more coz I wasnít able to work out what to do and how to work both chiller, freezers and the milk. Harley told me that they don't expect me to be able to work in both departments and keep the milk fridge full on top of that. I told him that I expect it of myself, he asked if I would expect it of anyone else and I said no, coz I wouldn't, so he asked why expect it of myself?? I dunno, I just should be able to do it. He in a round-about way, told me I shouldn't set such high expectations.

I hate not being able to think and work problems out, itís like the minute thereís a lot going on or there's a problem my mind shuts down, it canít work out what to do, it seeís this big problem and canít do anything about it and I don't like it. I can't think for myself, I can't remember things, someone can tell me something and 9 times out of 10 I won't remember it in 30mins - an hour. When I'm out in the shop looking at what stock I need, I actually need to write it down or else I won't remember. I can see someone and be talking to them and not remember.

I've bloody well had enough!! I just want to be normal, I want this gone, I want to be able to sleep and remember things and be able to work things out on my own. I want to be genuinely happy again.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by peterpam on Wed Sep 30, 2009 7:58 pm

Morning LC, you know when I get very tired I too am like you, not able to focus as I normally would, memory lapses. It is a pain, but it happens and I just know to recognise it for what it is for me and know that for that time I have to write things down. Its hard isnt it, when we can normally do something and then all of a sudden we cant. Don't beat yourself up hun. Listen to your boss and dont put such high expectations on yourself, he's not, and appears to be very happy with what you are doing already, so you must be doing a good job.
Sometimes we just need to break our workload down. Maybe when you go into work, write down what it is you need to acheive that day, be realisic and work though one job at a time and not try to do everything at once, it can be overwhelming. It is so good that you are able to express yourself and ask your supervisors for thier help, that shows great skills.
Hope you were able to get a reasonable sleep and are feeling a little better today. Hugs Pam

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Re: I'm a failure

Post by Guest on Wed Sep 30, 2009 8:21 pm

Morning LC

I see that you were up until at least the wee hours of this morning. I am hoping you will get some sleep tonight (at least 8 hours) because it will make you feel better.

Now this 'thing' about being a failure - your not. True! Your just not.

Yes I want to be normal again too, and for me, as I am, I am as normal as I am going to get for the time being.

I don't have any majic answers, or wands, or anything like that. I want it gone to for not only you and I, but for everyone else here.

Logical - Lisa, you will get through this, try and sleep (easier said than done) and please keep posting here. We all love you being around and want you to stay.

give it time, please. And have fun with the family this weekend too - oh and while your at it, try and remember you can have fun most of the time during your life. Ok?

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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Thu Oct 01, 2009 2:31 am

Unfortunately the focus and memory isn't to do with tiredness, ok yes maybe getting some sleep would help that, but I'm pretty sure it's to do with the medication, as it's been going on a long time. It's hard. I know I shouldn't set such high expectations, but I do, I don't accept myself doing an 'ok' job, it needs to be perfect and I struggle when I don't get it that way. I hate asking for help, I feel that if it's me asking for help it shows I'm a failure or weak or similar, but it's ok for other people to ask for help. It's happening today again, I've been on my own since lunch time to do freezers, chilled and milk fridge. *sigh* Why do I do this to myself??

Sleep - it's a thing that I've forgotten what it is really. In the last 10 or so days, I've had maybe around 7hrs sleep if I'm lucky. I can lie in bed and just lie there for hours, it sucks.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by daze7 on Thu Oct 01, 2009 7:27 am

Hello LC - You're not a failure - although your depression will say you are - I know I've mentioned this before, but counselling can help you look at some of these attitudes that don't really work - it takes time and effort to change belief and value systems. Perfectionism and control are very common attitudes that don't really work too well in this imperfect world!! (I had to learn this!) So sorry you're feeling overwhelmed (my brain just goes to sleep sometimes and I can't think of what to do next - seems to happen a lot around 'what's for tea'!!!! - I just can't think of what to have, never mind getting it ready!) Hope you've been OK at work today.

Hugs, Daze
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Thu Oct 01, 2009 8:39 am

I gave up the counselling. There are things that I need to know, or have to do, and I have realised that they are to do with control, and knowing that there are some things I can control. I hate when I do things and they aren't perfect, it's hard to accept. Finished work early today, well not really, since I started early so really I done an extra 30mins. Just had enough of everything.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by Guest on Thu Oct 01, 2009 8:27 pm

Yeah

I'm a failure too..

I am not going to let anyone get close to me. I just get burned.

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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Fri Oct 02, 2009 6:57 am

Ok so the guy who was meant to be working with me today called in sick, so once again was fucking well left on my own. They did give me a grocery member to help me and I had to ask another grocery guy if he minded doing the milk. Fuck I hate this!! I shouldn't have to be relying on grocery to help out.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:03 am

That is true, you shouldn't have to do two jobs. They know you are having trouble coping with just one, they just shouildn't be doing this to you.

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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:16 am

3 Jobs really, chilled foods, frozen foods and milk fridge, plus if serve over needs a hand when staff on breaks I'm expected over there (like today), and then got the phone and the phone orders, and dealing with the reps/merchandisers when they come in. Tomorrow when I go in I'm dreading it, the chiller is in a complete mess, there is stock everywhere on the floor and 1/2 a pallet sitting in there. Still have a full pallet in freezers as well. As it was I didn't get out of work until bout 6:45pm when I finish at 6pm. This guy best be at work tomorrow, if he's not I dunno what will do, grocery already have a couple on with the day off tomorrow and they don't have any spare staff on Saturday's. Marj and Harley know I can't handle it, I've told them already this week that I can't, doesn't help that Robert (other duty manager) is away on holiday this week so tomorrow we have no manager's on cept the checkout one's and they only deal with the checkouts.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:19 am

If it gets too tough tomorrow then leave. Tell them you are unwell, have a headache, tummy cramps or whatever. Just DON'T overdo it, you are close enough to the edge now without all that extra stress being put on you. Take care of yourself little daffodil

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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:00 am

No matter how I feel, I cannot leave it in a mess, it was hard enough walking away today, but I'd already stayed on an extra 45mins, and if I'd stayed on to tidy the back chiller up I would of probably still been there now. I will however allow myself to finish at 5pm tomorrow IF I think it is up to my standards, I worked the bit extra today and yesterday so can do that without feeling bad about it. As to being close enough to the edge, I'm basically left hanging over the edge and hanging on with a couple of fingers.
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by daze7 on Fri Oct 02, 2009 8:16 am

Hi LC - my only comment is: Can you make sure and take your breaks, more than usual if you can, and have something to eat and drink - it can be very tempting to keep working regardless. The little breaks 'refresh your mind'.

Leonardo da Vinci says:

'Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgement will be surer; since to remain constantly at work will cause you to lose power of judgement ...

Go some distance away because the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance, and a lack of harmony or proportion is more readily seen.'

He is talking about painting I should think! But the idea is the same - go for a small walk at lunchtime, if fine sit and peoplewatch for even just a few minutes. And take it 'one small bit at a time - half an hour at a time' then all the half hours make the day go!

Hugs, Daze .............. PS - it sounds like you're short staffed, (that's management's problem) do what you can but don't take on the work of 3 people!
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Re: I'm a failure

Post by logical-cents on Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:06 am

Yea I do make sure I take my breaks, well I at least take my first 15 and my hour lunch, don't always take the last 15. Even if they are slightly later than usual, got away on my lunch break around 2hrs later than I usually take it, but I got there.

Yea we are short staffed, I know it's management's problem, keep telling myself that and others, but I feel that regardless I should still be able to do the work and keep all sides at a high standard.
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