My mind is muddled...

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by daze7 on Sun Sep 20, 2009 9:04 am

Hi Worried ..... A lot of TV programmes are full of what could be called ... 'Magical Thinking' ... (and good to get lost in for a while) ... if only life was like that! ... BUT there are 'Magical Moments' - one just has to look and find them. Hope you've had a reasonable day. Daze
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Sun Sep 20, 2009 10:15 am

Just wrote a big long entry and lost it all.. obviously took too long to get my feelings down.. couldn't be bothered starting again now.. maybe tomorrow....DAMN it anyways!
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:09 pm

Worried wrote:Just wrote a big long entry and lost it all.. obviously took too long to get my feelings down.. couldn't be bothered starting again now.. maybe tomorrow....DAMN it anyways!


lol...
magic happens?
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:30 am

Right ..here goes again....

Counselling again tomorrow evening, and although our last session resulted in my head being muddled for the week things are starting to become a little clearer..so i'm excited about what tomorrow will bring and i look forward to my next batch of enlightnment!

I've been ok the past few days, not exceptionally good or bad, just getting by, which i suppose is not a bad thing... although it would be great if we were all full of the joys of life.. but thats not life aye!!

So..last nights post that i lost..well that was an entry dedicated to my partner and how his depression has effected me and made me feel. Just not in the right 'place' at the moment to sit down and open up all those feelings yet again.

Floss you have made my day by letting us know you have decided to go to counselling... i can be persuasive.... that why i work in the field I do.. gentle persuation goes a long long way!!!! he he!!! lol!

I've had a productive day at work today and hope that it will be a productive week... its amazing how the simple things in life can be so difficult some days.. but the days it goes well its great! I feel like i climbed Everest today and am exhausted now but i'm so glad i got to almost the top and am catching up after my terrible week last week.

So thats about it for today..not really in the mood to open the can of worms that is my mind tonight.. but i'm sure after counselling tomorrow night you will all be sick of seeing me posting constantly here again!

Hope all are doing well.. love & hugs!
xox
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by peterpam on Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:06 am

Good luck with the counselling hun and its good to take a break sometimes, cos some days those worms will just come and bit yah on the bum, lol.

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:14 am

when anothers depression effects a listener, the listener needs to go for help also.
One shouldnt become submerged by listening to another
unless identification has occured
and that identifies that we do not know our-SELF
at depth!
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:53 am

Just back from my seond counselling session... well enlightnment is what I wanted and enlightnment is what i got!

Needless to say my mind is muddled but at least now i can say that i have a better understanding of WHY i am still with my partner and WHY my partner and i are not compatable..reagardless of how much we love one another...

So...I grew up with a voilent father, who hurt my mother, sister and I deeply. My partner is the exact opposite to this man.. i knew him before we ever begun a relationship and knowing this man i knew he did not have the capacity to hurt me like my father.. he is so kind and caring and absolutely nothing like the man who had hurt me for the first 18 years of my life. So in a way he was my 'safe bet' he would never hurt me, he is the EXACT opposite to my father...

As for still being with him.. i love him deeply but i am afraid of venturing into life without him by my side. I am afraid of being hurt again, and I know he will never hurt me... I am not being fulfilled or satisfied in the relationship with the past few years but have hung on out of fear...fear of being hurt, fear of the grief I will experience if the relationship ends..

My partner has A LOT of issues to sort out..some of which are sexual and have deeply impacted on our relationship. The long and short of it is that he NEEDS to get help for his depression and to sort out his sexual issues.. I have realised that he is not willing to get help..his fear of facing his problems is much greater then his love for me. I have realised that his sexual issue will NOT go away without therapy and even at that it may never go away. According to my Counsellor..i can give the rest of my life trying to 'change him' but he is HE and he will not change because of all these issues he has. I have tried and tried given him years in fact to sort out all these problems but he hasn't done anything, even though he can see the pain, hurt and anguish this has put me through... whatever has a hold of him.. these feelings, these thoughts, these traits that obviously developed during childhood.. i cannot change them , i cannot do anything about them, i cannot MAKE him do anything..ONLY he can decide that he wants to get help....and If he doesn't then we cannot have an unhealthy relationship any longer. I deserve to be loved the way i wish to be loved, i deserve to be with a man who is not so fearful of getting help, i want to be with a man who is confident and happy and can love me in the way i love them.

Today was a big eye opener for me. So far i'm just processing what i discussed with my counsellor but i'm sure in a few hours i'll be in floods of tears muttering crap to my partner about how his fear is greater then his love for me and how dare he have other aspects of his life that are more important to him then me when i have given us so damn much for him. I'm glad my counsellor is there to guide me through all the different aspects of my feelings and help me unknot this big muddle.. hopefully each week things will become clearer and clearer and maybe just maybe i can gain some strength myself and help myself feel better....
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by peterpam on Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:13 am

Hi hun, you have learnt much. If you can, give your partner a day at least, to be able to take it all in and then see what he has to say. Hugs and my hope for you both would be, he makes the choice to get some help

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:32 am

Hi Peterpam,

You are right i have learned a lot. I have not had the chance to discuss this last session with him yet as we have friends staying with us but i will discuss with him.

I am realising more and more after each session that he MUST get help or the relationship is effectively over. In fact when i think about it really the relationship has been over for a few years now but i've been living in both denial of the problems, the hope that they would go away-or he would get help, and the fear of loosing the man i truly love. I will ALWAYS love my partner, he will always have a big place in my heart, i too hope that he decides to get help, but if he doesn't i hope that our friendship can survive the break-up as we are one anothers best friends and i would hate not to have him in my life.

Thanks for your kind words!xxx
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:33 am

worried,
this is good!
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Tue Sep 22, 2009 10:04 am

greasemonkey wrote:worried,
this is good!

It may seem good but i feel like crap...yes i know i am making some progress..i now know the facts.. but i don't want to accept them.

Accepting that my relationship is effectively over is heartbreaking...but i'm still a but numb...to be honest..
I need more time to process what i've realised....
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:59 am

I am so glad
you have chosen to be honest here on the MB!
So many ppl just skirt along without caring for themselves
the way you do.


Sure,
you feel like crap
but you know you're NOT SHIT aye!
These feelings you are experiencing inside will pass
as soon as you become distracted by a good film,
and dog barking,
a banana smoothie or a freshly squeezed ORANGE juice, with crushed ICE.

Nothing stays still unless you keep your Inner-eye upon it!
It crouches like a Fighten Bunnie, too scared to Move.

Life can be the distraction we need,
to bypass what it is that is weighing us down.


ONLY allow your-Self short bursts of wondering, at this stage Worried.

Keep a Clock. Giving yourself intensive thinking times
and then going for a walk,
a run,
some fun,
a coffee
or a perve at whats on offer downtown can help keep you loose and ontrack!

love
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:01 pm

Hi GM...

Thanks for the post.. your encouragement is really great, and your humor made me smile..even this early in the morning!..good start to the day.

Being honest her was not a conscious decision for me... its just the way i am and have been since i got my father out of my life. I spent my childhood living in fear, not saying how i really felt or thought for fear it would not 'fit in' or be 'agreed' by my father. Since i have gotten rid of him out of my life i cannot be anything but honest- sometimes brutally honest, sometimes a bit too blunt, i don't sugar-coat anything for anyone... I am me and people can take it or leave it.

You are right it is important for me to have lots of 'thining time' at the moment, and i try lots to get as much thinking time in each day.. I drive 40 min to and from work and that is my thinking time some days when i don't actually have the time to sit relax and think...

I am feeling better today.. still a bit numb...
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:46 am

omg, I was saying less thinking time can be better.
STILL, if you use your driving-time carefully
(ie staying in the drivers seat) you wont need to indulge in the intensive clock-timed thinking I was mentioning.

"since i got my father out of my life." ekkk, the mind boggles!
Tell me you didnt flush Him down the toilet!


Last edited by greasemonkey on Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:46 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : green paint)
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:09 am

greasemonkey wrote:omg, I was saying less thinking time can be better.
STILL, if you use your driving-time carefully
(ie staying in the drivers seat) you wont need to indulge in the intensive clock-timed thinking I was mentioning.

"since i got my father out of my life." ekkk, the mind boggles!
Tell me you didnt flush Him down the toilet!

...Oh.. sorry.. at work and read your post really quickly!!!!...Don't worry i wont crash the car or anything!

..Didin't flush him down the toilet!!!(although if he would have fit down there i'd possibly have tried it!!!)... i stopped all contact with him five years ago-best thing i ever did as he is a man who emotionally abuses his family.Long long story..maybe some day i'll speak about it here.

Still numb, still not coming to terms with my realising that my relationship with my partner is over and hasn't existed for years.. but hopefully with more time and counselling i'll start the grieving process...
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:21 am

Well i'm feeling crappy today..have a cold and cannot take any cold tabs because of meds.

I'm still processing what i've learned and in a way it is a relief to know why my partner has not been interested in me sexually. His problem has nothing to do with me and there is nothing i can do to help him. This does not mean that he does not love me it just means that he has a problem and he needs to get himself some professional help- which he refuses to do.

But in a way i am relieved- this man was a challenge for me, has always been, but now i know i cannot do anything to change him - never wanted to change his personality or anything just his sex drive. I now understand that this problem is bigger then me, and i can't change the way he is. This also means that i can no longer live in the hope that 'things will get better' or that things will change. Things will not get better, things will not change unless he gets help and so far it seems that he does not want to get help. His fear of whatever he has to confront is bigger then his love for me. His sexual problem is greater then everything else in his life... he cannot help it and i am sure if he could he would but right now he won't get help... SO i can keep trying hard and getting nowhere only feeling hurt and rejected even more, or i can leave or HE CAN GET HELP. Which i think i have already realised that he will not do.. SO the relationship has to end, as much as i do not want it to end, as much as i deeply love this man, he has problems that i can't fix and i cant continue to feel upset and rejected or i can try and move on with my life.

I know that this is the hardest thing i may ever have to do ... but for me to begin to feel better then that is just what i might have to do. It is the most difficult decision i've ever had to make.. so i'm taking my time with it. going to keep going to counselling and un-muddling my thoughts each week until i am 100% sure of how i feel and know that i am strong enough to try and get through life without my beloved.. I've given him the link to my journal here.. if you are reading just know that i do not want to do this, you know what i want and i will support you, but if you don't i need to leave no matter how hard it will be for both of us...I love you and will miss you everyday i'm sure i'll want to come back to you, but if you love me you will leave me go.. if you love me more then your sexual problem, then i know you will get help, but unfortunately this has taken hold of you and i just hope it is not as bad as i think it is and maybe just maybe you can take that big step to help both of us...

I still don't want to believe what i've realised, but the puzzle fits together perfectly...it has made me a little bit more relaxed, i now know i'm not a bad partner, i've done nothing wrong and that you do love me, but this problem is bigger then your love for me.. or this is how i understand it....PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I AM BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN...
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:47 am

" I've given him the link to my journal here.."

Men learn about themselves best with men present!

Read Steve Biddulphs writings on Men. You can get it from a Lirary free.
There are mens Groups all about the world nowdays,
and theyre working well.

We discuss heaps of things,
and the blokes get to be heard.

Most men think theyre alone in the world.

By going along and listening,
they get to see other men learning
by listening
and how some have solved their problems simply by listening to others.


Its really creative.
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:29 am

I don't want you to go to any trouble for me.
Now, don't put yourself out.
I don't want to make any extra work for you.

When we don't get what we want from the important people in our life , we often conclude that what we want is not important.In fact, we may even go further, into a codependant state where we believe other people's needs amd wants are more important then our own. Then we stop asking for anything.

Extract from a book recommended to me by peterpam- it really hit home..
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by peterpam on Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:16 am

Hi Worried, have you started reading that book??. Have been thinking of you and just wondered how you are going. PM me if you ever need. Hugs

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Worried on Fri Sep 25, 2009 11:03 am

peterpam wrote:Hi Worried, have you started reading that book??. Have been thinking of you and just wondered how you are going. PM me if you ever need. Hugs

Hey Peterpam,

Yes have started the book, it is amazing how much has hit home. Only just got it a few days ago but so far so good, thanks so much for posting the recommendation here.

Today has been a tough day...really hard. Have decided that i need to move out of our home- more of a temporary thing just to see if a bit of space would do us some good. I'm clinging to every last hope here that we can still make things work.

Have had a great chat with my partner this evening, talk about a house full of emotions, both of us in tears. I told him that i am going to move out..he agreed, we had a deep heartfelt chat about our relationship and feelings for one another. I'm completely drained now and can't type much more.. i might just go to bed...
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:43 am

mmmm, co-dependancy!
What you do
so you can blame the other
for your incompleteness
as a person.

I think realising ones co-dependancy habits
leads to REAL LOVE!

By Loving yourself first
one become irresistably attractive
to OTHERS!
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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Guest on Sat Sep 26, 2009 10:12 pm

the trick is to love one's self first...

and that can be so difficult

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by peterpam on Sat Sep 26, 2009 10:56 pm

Chin up hun, it will get better once you let go of the dependancy. We either contribute or contaminate a relationship. I remember when I first seperated from my then man, feeling what was I going to do without this wonderful man who made me laugh, put the sun in my day, made my world revolve and feeling such devastation. If only I knew what I do now and that is that although yes he did do all those things, he also did so much more to me that was not healthy. We are responsible for our own world, WE can make it spin, WE are capable of smiling and laughing, after all we did before we meet this person. The other thing to remember is whilst he may help give these wonderful feelings, ask yourself at what cost??. Hugs to you both

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by Guest on Sun Sep 27, 2009 12:05 am

I am very happy with my current husband, peter, he is strong supportive and doesn't hurt me (well if he stands on my feet he does!)

There is no cost to me to have him around, unlike my first husband.

I felt so independant when I left him and on top of the world - funny innit?

Now poor old pete is the one suffering. But we are mananging and getting through.



With a little help from mothers little helper too....hehehehehehe Razz

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Re: My mind is muddled...

Post by greasemonkey on Sun Sep 27, 2009 12:26 am

mothers lilHealper looks great.
He's dying to be a Man!


The past is the past!
To give it power is to think about it and become attached to the thoughts.
The pain must be released in psychotherapy or in the darkened corner of your aloneness...

This hollowing of the vessal allows us a greater appreciation of the Peters in Our Life! Staying in the shallows
we get our toes wet only!

Become a devil!

Emerse your whole Being in Life
then you wont be saddened
when death comes and takes you away
from your loved ones!
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