My PND Days....

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My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Mon Sep 07, 2009 2:41 am

I have been wanting to start a journal since I joined TBBD about 3 weeks ago, but each time I try I just dont know where to start so I keep putting it off. About 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with post natal depression and put on meds. Looking back, I guess I started having it after my first son was born but it has gotten worse more recently after my second son. I have 2 boys, one just over 2 years old and the other is nearly 7 months old now. I guess the pressures of having 2 small children close in age, my partners dwindling work and living in a very small town where I dont really have close friends, have all combined to make me feel that some days I am just so tired I want to go to bed and not wake up or I will cry for no real reason. But one of the hardest things is memory loss. I dont know whether this is unique to me and my situation or is something that comes with depression in general. Some of you will remember me from the chatbox when I very nearly put my baby in the fridge affraid Seriously. I really meant to put him down in his cot to nap but I just forget. I find most days I wander around the house thinking to myself, "now what was I doing?" Or I have a million things to do but I forget what I am doing half way through and start another task so at the end of the day I havent got anything done, just created more mess and more chaos in the house and in my mind.

Now that I have actually started writing I could just go on and on and on but what I actually want to do is create a space where I can talk with other mothers or people in similar situations as well as write down my own stuff. I know there are other sites, but I like this one and Ive gotten to chat with a few of the regulars and feel welcome here. And I better stop now or im going to start talking rubbish.

Floss alien
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Floss

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:54 am

Hi there Floss,

I can totally relate to the memory loss thing, I think we just get so cluttered in our minds that these things just 'fall out' and don't stay.

Nothing you say here is rubbish by the way, especially if it helps you or others - ok?

Speaking as a mother with sons 14 months apart, I know personally how hard that road can be, so please vent, take out frustration, or tell me your good days with them. I also know what it is like to have two small children and a dwindling income.

Whilst we were surrounded by close family and friends I felt alone.

I look forward to your posts here, could be very reminicent for me.

flower

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 07, 2009 9:26 am

hi Floss good start to your journal Post natal depression is a hard one so good on you
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by mumof3monkeys on Mon Sep 07, 2009 9:51 pm

Hi Floss,

although I have no experience wiht pnd, I can relate to your feelings of the pressures of 2 small children close in age, as i find it quite stressful most days with my 3yr old and 18mth old as well, on top of all the other things going on.

I like this site as well, and have been welcomed with warmness which i really appreciate too. Dont worry about going on and on, i do it all the time and find it helps me to type it all out, if it helps you then by all means let it out.



Very Happy
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Wed Sep 09, 2009 10:01 am

So I have had an ok day today. Ive gone back to work more hours now at the salon and I am only on commission so on the days its slow I get pissed off cause it means I wont earn much but nearly every day I find myself wishing I had no clients so I dont have to get dressed and be cheery to everyone. people ask me how I am and I always say, " yeah great thanks" but most of the time Im not, its just an automatic response. Its a real chore dealing with people constantly, especially when my family is so demanding of my time as well. I feel like I am spreading my self too thinly but I cant let anyone down.

Yesterday morning my 2 year old was driving me insane. I wish i could just sit down on the floor and take interest in whatever hes doing but theres always something to be done, making breakfast, getting dressed, getting the boys dressed, washing, dishes blah blah..... I was nearly losing the plot by 12pm. This morning I caved and put on the wiggles and he was an angel and stayed glued to the tv all morning while I felt guilty for being a crap mum who uses the tv as a babysitter. But at least he wasnt trying out his wrestling moves on his 6 month old brother Rolling Eyes

And to top it all off, my partner has a sinus infection, which means the world is going to end because he is in so much pain and I have to mother him too.

So there is my whinge for the the day. Positives?? Well, I seem to be gaining a lot more regular clients, which means a good income in the long run. but I wish I was more motivated to go to work... Ah well another day tomorrow....


alien
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by 6egirl on Thu Sep 10, 2009 7:51 am

Hey Floss - thanks for the note. I know how it feels to struggle along with 2 little boys. Mine are almost 4 yrs apart in age but it is still a daily grind. My memory used to be excellent - these days sometimes I look at something I wrote down and think - what the heck was that? I have no recollection of writing it even though it is in my handwriting. Do you feel any better on the meds?
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:23 am

Oh my god. I just typed out a really long in depth journal entry and went to save it and my stupid broadband failed. Now I am farking pissed off and i cant be bothered to go thru it all again. Mad Mad

The last thing I did type though is to be grateful I have something to get up to every day i.e. my children. Starting tomorrow...
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by mumof3monkeys on Thu Sep 10, 2009 10:41 pm

hey floss,

just wanted to quickly pop in quickly before taking the kids to the docs, to say i hope you have a good day today.

Very Happy sunny
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Sat Sep 19, 2009 3:47 am

For over a week now, I have been trying to write in this journal but every time I go to put something down it seems insignificant so I delete it. I really have nothing to write but Im going to anyway. Who knows what will sprout...

Ive has such an unproductive week and my house is in a shambles, as usual. My partner is off playing golf, again. Kids are sleeping and I am still in my pjs at 3.40pm. I am also watching this thing on discovery about people drinking their own piss. I thought urine was the waste product of the body. Far out.


The sky is getting very black out there and its been pretty chilly today. The last few days have been stunningly beautiful and warm but it hasnt helped me to feel more positive and motivated. I am getting a bit agitated about the vaccumming so I better go do it specially before my partner gets home from golf or else I will get the dreaded question," So what have you been doing all day?"

I'll be back...... alien
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Floss

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Sat Sep 19, 2009 4:29 am

Oh Floss, you are a remarkable lady. Funny with men when they can be really, really sick and then go off and play golf at the end of which you feel you have to have the house 'just so' for him. Perhaps a bit of excercise with the vacuum cleaner instead of golf clubs would do you both a bit of good. My place needs a good vacuum too but lucky for me, there is no one to see it. Catch you in chat again soon I hope.

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Sat Sep 19, 2009 6:25 am

Floss, if it matters to you then it is not insignificant. The fact that it matters to you means this,

Feel free to post, and let rip if need be. Personally I don't take offense!!

sunny

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Worried on Sat Sep 19, 2009 11:03 am

Hi Floss...

I can totally relate to the memory thing.. i brewed tea the other day and in doing so i put the boiling water in to the teapot..THEN i got out two cups and picked up the kettle and couldn't figure out why it was empty. Then i found myself wondering if i had even put it on to boil in the first place...THEN i saw that the teapot was full of the water i had 'lost'!...

Reduction in income is also something i can identify with-my partner is in a similar situation-it puts a serious strain on a relationship.

But as you said you have a reason to get up every day- your beautiful children!

Take care and keep venting!!!!xxx
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Mon Sep 21, 2009 2:39 am

Well, its been a month now that I have been taking meds and I have a follow up appt with my gp tonight. Hes going to ask me how Im going and Im going to say ok. Im certainly not any worse anyway.

I am gratefull i found this site as chatting to a few of you on here has just been a great help in itself. And after having a good old chinwag with Worried the other night helped me decide to ask my gp about counselling. If that turns out ok then my next plan of attack is to try to get my partner to go too.

On a positive note, I am so looking forward to a long hot summer. Even just a few warm days that we have had have helped me to feel a bit warmer inside. If only it would help me do housework too!

Floss alien
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:15 am

Good luck with the GP, looking forward to hearing how you get on.

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by mumtothree on Mon Sep 21, 2009 4:32 am

good luck at gps let us know how you go
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Worried on Mon Sep 21, 2009 6:16 am

Floss wrote:Well, its been a month now that I have been taking meds and I have a follow up appt with my gp tonight. Hes going to ask me how Im going and Im going to say ok. Im certainly not any worse anyway.

I am gratefull i found this site as chatting to a few of you on here has just been a great help in itself. And after having a good old chinwag with Worried the other night helped me decide to ask my gp about counselling. If that turns out ok then my next plan of attack is to try to get my partner to go too.

On a positive note, I am so looking forward to a long hot summer. Even just a few warm days that we have had have helped me to feel a bit warmer inside. If only it would help me do housework too!

Floss alien

Hey..hope this eve goes well for you.. pop in after to let us know how you get on!
I'm so delighted i've helped someone here!!!...
Let us all know how you get on! cheers Well done girl!xox
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:26 am

Well I have just got back from the gp. He has given me another 3 months worth of paroxetine. I think that with a combination of vitamin B complex and a womens multi that it is having a good effect.

I asked him if he could refer me to counselling and he told me to go to the resource centre or the Te korowai clinic which does a lot of free services both of which I only had to self-refer. There was another woman he said I could try but he had mixed feelings about her and said that he himself wouldnt feel comfortable talking to her but some people find her good. For that I would need his referral.


Im not sure how I feel about this as I was hoping he could just give me a referral to go straight to somebody without me having to do the inital enquiries. The hard thing is that it is such a small town that its hard to inquire about stuff without the whole town knowing about it and I know for a fact that a girl I work withs mother is a counsellor at the resource centre and I totally wouldnt feel comfortable talking to her.

I think I will sit on this for a while. I also might poke my head into some of the churches and see whats going there. That will also be hard as I am a bit put of by the religious factor. I feel a bit let down now as I felt really confident about the decision to seek counselling and its a huge step for me to take.

Thanks for everyones positive comments though, I wouldnt have even gone down that avenue if it wasnt for talking to you good people. Very Happy
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Floss

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Worried on Tue Sep 22, 2009 12:18 am

Hi Floss...

Sorry to hear that the doc couldn't get you a quick referral. It is crappy that you must go to the resource centre to enquire about it expecially since you know everyone there.

The only thing to remember is that counsellors are not allowed to discuss you with ANYONE UNLESS you are going to harm yourself or others... so bear that in mind your friends mom CANT by LAW open her mouth to ANYONE if you do end up going to see her...

The other thing is.. yes i'm getting counselling from an organisation funded by the catholic church- i'm not in the slightest bit religious- was brought up Catholic and see this as pay back for all those cold sunday mornings being dragged to church by my mother!..The church basically provide the building (there are no crosses, or holy pictures anywhere-just like any other counselling centre) and pay the counsellors....Counsellors are not priests or pastors or nuns or anything really and i've requested that there is no religion shoved down my throat and to date it hasn't... so please don't be put off by the religious element- its FREE counselling and YOU agree you would like to start counselling...SO GO CHECK IT OUT!

Please don't let your doc's attitude knock your motivation to get Counselling...it is there if you look.... please don't give up now!

Hope you are having a good day.. mine is good..so far.. counselling this evening could change all that!

Take care hunny!xox
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Wed Sep 23, 2009 8:54 am

You are so right Worried, I was feeling really positive today and the girl i work withs mother was in the salon today and I almost asked her about counselling and stuff but I bottled out. I am still keen but it will have to go in the "next week" basket for now as Ive got so much on plate at the moment.

Keep at me though, theres no subsitute for encouragement . Thanks worried Very Happy
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Worried on Wed Sep 23, 2009 9:32 am

..Don't worry, i'm persistent so i'll keep at you girl!

Glad to hear you are feeling more positive today! Very Happy
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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:09 am

hey Floss and Worried,

How are you both today?

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:48 am

Good Lord Ive had a really crap week. Depression wise Ive actually been feeling ok.

On monday I managed to drop a massive screw gun on my toe and then in the evening my son jumped up and his head hit my eye and I got a massive black eye.

On Tuesday I got what I thought was really bad hayfever so i had the day off work on wednesday cause I was feeling so shit. Then at 10am we all got evacuated to higher ground because of the tsunami, and in the evening I had a severe allergic reaction to something and had to go to emergency to get shots of antihistamine and adrenalin.

Then yesterday I was doing some grocery shopping and got asked for ID then the supervisor asked for a 2nd look of the photo cause it didnt look like me and I said," sorry but Ive been very sick and Im looking like crap" and she turned round and said to me," well I was just talking to a woman who knows a man who lost 10 family members in the tsunami so you might look like crap but just be happy you are alive".

Well if that doesnt make you depressed, I dunno what does.

On a good note, I had a busy day at work and feel much better although I still have a black eye!!

Floss alien
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Floss

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:51 am

Oh dear Floss, I think you've had your quota of bad luck for last you till at least Christmas time. So glad to hear your depression is a little less.

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Floss on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:03 am

Gosh its been such a long time since I logged in here and I think of TBBD quite often but never seem to find the time.

I am feeling so much better since being diagnosed, I think its just been 3 months since starting meds as well as a multi vitamin and a B complex. Im sure its done me the world of good, I seem to be able to tolerate my children better and have a slightly sunnier outlook on things. It sure hasnt helped me with my housework though!

I think the bit of sunshine and longer days has also helped... Its been a long dark winter for me and I am looking forward to a long hot summer.

I am thankful everyday for the pleasure my children bring me, even though they drive me totally insane! I am also thankful for the support I have received on TBBD and I hope to catch up with everyones goings on shortly.

Floss x alien
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Floss

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Re: My PND Days....

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:43 am

Hi Floss, it is really good to hear that things have improved for you. i often think about you and have hoped your reasons for not being here have been good ones and that you have been busy and not needing the extra support. Be great to catch up when you find the time. Take care of you and your family and may you all have many happy, sunny days. Judy

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