Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a little girl. She lived with her parents, an older sister (by 8 and a half years), and an older brother (by about 7 years) behind a dairy in the the heart of Auckland city. Not quite 5 this little girl was due to start school and was very excited. She did not have any friends outside her family and was keen to make some.

Each day she would take her tea set to the back yard, with some smarties and water and try and imagine what school was like. She would write and draw on the giant blackboard her father had made for her on a fence, swing on the swing in the back yard and sing at the top of her voice. She would draw and read pictures in books to her toys - Lady Basil (a stuffed toy - a red fox her brother won for her at the easter show) Manu (a fijian doll her parents brought back from their trip at fiji) and Jemimia (a doll that she does not remember the origin of). She was very happy. And life was just 'peaches and ice cream'

One day, the little girls father (who is 20 years older than her mother - but she didn't know that at the time as he liked to keep his children guessing) was not well. He clutched his chest and strained to tell everyone he couldn't move his left arm, his breathing was funny and his eye's rolled. This little girl had never seen her father like this before. He was choking on his lunch too.

Her mother told her older sister to run to the doctors a few doors down....her brother was out and did not know what was happening.

The little girl was ushered outside to play. She wasn't worried, she didn't understand. She didn't see the ambulance arrive and take her dad away. All she knew was that she was going to school soon, and going to make friends her age. Something she had never had before.[/b]

Her dad was admitted to hospital for a considerable amount of time. The little girl didn't know why, but continued to look forward to school.

The day finally came - her 5th birthday. Her parents were very generous with thier presents - colouring books, puzzles, glitter, craft stuff.. her brother gave her a big big box, all wrapped up so nicely. She ripped through the wrapping and opened the box. Eagerly she opened the box, only to find a smaller, wrapped box... she took it out jumping up and down in anticipation - her brother beaming...

she unwrapped that box to find another smaller box wrapped in newspaper.. again she took that out eager to see ... full of anticipation!! After several more... she finally came to one about the size of a shoe box... her mother was excited with her and helped her to open the box.. and in it was.............................................................................................................

A squashed black (rotten) banana and two pieces of burnt toast!! Her brother rolled around on the floor in roaring laughter.. her mother yelled at him and the little girl ran away sobbing.

Her birthday was ruined, not only was her dad not there but her brother seemed to be intent on ruining her birthday for her.

So upset was she that she didn't remember having cake, opening anymore presents from Aunt's etc nor did she remember seeing her dad in hospital. She does remember however, sobbing still in the hospital corridor.

That night, while her mother was serving people in the shop, her brother asked her if she was looking forward to starting school. Of course she was she said, almost forgetting about the present incident.

"Well" he said.. "School is great, just look out for the murderhouse - they disguise it as a dental clinic, but really it is where secret murders take place. The dental nurse pretends that she needs you to check your teeth, really all she wants to do is put fillings in your teeth, which poisen you sllllooowwwlyyy and you die, die a horrible slow death"

Petrified she said no more. School was tommorrow.. and now she didn't want to go.

Her first day was nerve wracking. Her mum packed her satchel with lunch - which typically was 3 pieces of fruit, cheese and onion sandwich, and a packet of chippies.

When her mum said it was time to go, she nervously held her hand. They walked out of the dairy to the road crossing (a busy main road), crossed the road and walked down Brown street to the school.

The little girl said nothing.

She was petrified.

The Murder house was there.

They eventually arrived at school, walking down the corridor to the office the little girl could feel her hands getting sweaty, her heart pounding and sweat down her brow... she was more scared than ever.

Her mother spoke with the other adult there, when her mother turned and asked "so are you ready to go to your new class?"

The little girl burst into tears..."I don't want to go to the murder house" she babbled through tears, shaking uncontrollably.

The other adult and her mother gave her comfort and said, well you won't be going to the dentist straight away - who said it was the murder house - the nurse is just there to look after your teeth, not kill you. Little did this girl know that her mother persecuted her older brother for what he had said.

Instead they focussed on her first classroom - room 1. She settled there quickly and quickly made lots of new friends. Her mother collected her at the end of the day and she was happy once more.

When she went to hospital with her mother that night, she wanted to tell her dad about her first day at school. But her dad was still in intensive care, and the little girl had to wait for her mother in the 'day room' as children were not allowed to visit patients in this area.

Her father remained in hospital for several months.

Her brother took alot of interest in her. She didn't know why but liked the attention she was getting.

She had started taking swimming lessons at a local pool in the center of town, and began competition level training for her age group.

It made life fun as her sister and brother joined her in the family pool at the back of the dairy. Her brother spent more time with her there which was fun.

He would tickle her waist after throwing her in the pool, then he would tickle her chest, tummy button and then the top of her legs. She didn't know what to think, she was having fun and had lots of friends at school

She still played at "school' in front of the black board, and her brother would join in. She still played her tea set game, and her brother joined in. She still played on the swing and he would push her.

One day he took her to Victoria park to play, with his best friend. They played on a french swing backwards and forwards... she asked them to stop - several times - and they did after a while...she went and sat on the park bench beside a lady eating her lunch. The lady asked if she was alright as she was pale. She spewed over the lady and the boys laughed hysterically....

Several months went past and she was loving her life. This girl had not only struck up a friendship with a dark haired girl from the takeaways next door, but she had a few friends at school.

Everyday, she would walk to school unaccompanied, singing at the top of her voice, picking onion flowers as she went home for her mum (she thought they were daisies).

Then she came home one day to see her mother sobbing on the shoulder of the shop assistant.

Her poppa was on deaths bed with bone cancer, and her father had not come through an operation very well (she later learnt that this was a first for NZ - a mitral valve replacement) and was finding it difficult to recover.

Her mum didn't know who was to die first - poppa or dad...poppa died a few nights later and his funeral was the next week.

This was a first for her. She had never been to a funeral and thought it would be exciting.

She was wrong.

Instead she wondered why people were crying and why they were sad. She became very concerned when she heard her poppa say "it's ok, I'm ok and they will be too" she quickly turned around, confused. He wasn't there. How could that be? "Don't worry about them crying, just be happy, they will be ok" she felt at ease....while her nana cried.

He was wrong, her nana took a major overdose of sleeping tablets and ended up in Carrington, a psychiatric care hospital. She visited her nana there, her mother taking her along. In the day room there was a man picking his nose, another lady pinched her butt, a man grabbed her budding boobs...is this what these places are like????

Nana sat quiet. She couldn't stand life without poppa. Little did she know she would live until 2002.

There were lots of things that happened to this girl after the funeral during her first year at school, only 3 stayed with her in her memories.

The first is when she encountered nits at school. She didn't know why her head itched and itched...it just did. Her mother knew - so she cut the girls golden coloured locks (which were down by her knees) to a # 2 shave, poured kerosine over her hair and combed it through. The teasing from this was hideous.. school children calling her a boy to name one favourite tease.

The second memory was when her father was out of hosptial for a short while. He needed to clean his shoes and asked the girl to watch. She helped him to polish the leather using shoe polish, a brush, soft cloth and a bit of spit. For that he gave her 10 cents - she thought she was rich (which she was for that day and age). After all you could buy a mixed bag of lollies (around 12) for 1 cent then,

The third memory was not pleasant. Her brother was playing a game with her - she doesn't remember what it was, but they ended up in the toilet room. He had his pants down to his ankles when he asked her if she knew the difference between boys and girls. It would be thier special secret he said if she told him. She replied by pointing to his 'private part' which was now larger than when she first entered the room. He told her to take off her top proceeding to tell her that 6 year olds have such smooth skin and could he rub it. It never entered her head that he meant it to rub himself against her skin. Suddenly her skirt and pants were on the ground and he lifted her up ... she was confused, she didn't know what was happening, why? she didn't understand, what was this all about?

That incident plagued her for days, and it still does over 38 years later....but was the worst she was to take?

Mylife, you are one very brave lady. I am so proud of you. Hope you are feeling ok hun. Huge, huge hugs to you.

Mylife, you are such a good writer and I'm so glad you are starting to open up. I think this will be so good for you.

This incident not only repeated itself in her mind time after time, but it repeated itself over and over for several years. It didn't matter where they were, in the store room, bathroom, bedroom - anywhere where people didn't frequent.

But still she trusted her brother. Next to her father - who was barely there at times, he was the only male in her life. She not only accepted that what he did was right, but later allowed his best friend to do the same, as well as her best friends older brother too..

She loved going to her best friends house, they would play leap frog in the hallway, shop under the stairs, and natter until the wayyy after their bed time if they had sleep overs.

They lived only a few doors away from one another too. They would play tea in the back yard, and school. They would wander around the heart of Auckland (as it was safe then)...most of the transvestites and prostitutes on K road knew them well as they frequented the parents shops, they looked out for them walking to Auckland hospital to visit her father, who ended up being there for most of a 5 year period. They made sure the two girls were safe.

The little girls introduction to this way of life was, well, accidental.

A tall slim person in a mini skirt and boob tube entered the dairy one day when she was around 7, when she said in a very loud voice..."MUM WHY DOES THAT LADY HAVE HAIR ON THE BACK OF HER HANDS".....Her mum went as red as her hair..."Little children should be seen and not heard" she hissed. "Oh it's ok darling" said the person in the high black steleto shoes...waving a funny wave to her mum and turning to the little girl.."It's because I am not a lady dear... I'M A MAN!"

She giggled and laughed. She could see the humour of it all - her mother could not....

Later that year she made new friends at school, Theresa and her friends....they lived across the road from the school, and at lunchtime these girls snuck to her house......

She felt good, breaking the rules ... behaving in a not so good manner... flaunting the rules.,.looking over her shoulder. She felt smart...she felt popular!!!!! She was happy..

One day, the four other girls said they found it fun to do 'rolly pollies' but with a twist. .. with nothing on...

she joined in with this lark - not thinking anything of it - after all she had been getting her clothes off for other people.

So she just did it..day in day out..until one day she got sick of being watched and partcipating in their rolly pollies with Theresa's brother taking pictures.

Those photos never resurfaced. Ever.

Instead what surfaced, shattered her dreams. She thought she could stay friends with this group but just not go to Theresa's house at lunchtime. She was wrong...at first she didn't go, but after a while (probably about a month) she was playing in the school field at lunchtime, on her own when they turned up. They started to call her names and started to not so gently punch her on the top of her arm. She was saved by the bell, but this set a pattern for a few weeks..until she realised she was safer in and around the classroom, rather than away from it at the other end of the school.

Soon she was 'persuaded' to go back to Theresas home at lunchtimes - with no brother. The girls bullied her to taking her clothes off and and then hit her with sticks and poked her with them...

She ended up staying home from school, without her parents knowing. By this time, she was older, perhaps 8 or 9... and her dad was home permenantly, unable to work the long hours the dairy demanded, and they had expanded the shop into the living area and moved to live in a house a few doors up from the school.

Everyday, she collected her lunch, collected colouring in books, pens, pencils, crayons and left the house via the back door. Her mother was working, her brother was at school (or so she thought) and her sister was at school also. Then she would walk down the driveway side of the house and open the door to under the house. There she had smoothed out some of the dirt for something to sit on. She had lights (sun coming in between the slats in the wood) a timekeeper (she could hear the school bells from where she was), food and something to do. The one thing she knew was that she didn't want to go to school.

She doesn't know how many days she managed to do this for, before her brother located her - she knew she was safe 'cause he now had much older girls to play with...after all he was around 16 or 17. He dragged her out from under the house and marched her up the road to the dairy where her father had walked to earlier in the day.

Her parents were, understandbly worried, and she doesn't know what they did, but Theresa and her friends pretty much left her alone - apart from the odd punch, pinch or slap in class. One day in standard 1, she became so tired and so over the whole bulling 'thing' at school, she retaliated, buy punching and pinching one of the girls constantly for the day. The other girl cried, and she got into trouble for hurting the other girl. She didn't care. She wanted revenge. But she knew it was wrong, so didn't do anything about it.

But when the teacher caught her being mean, she was the one told off, she was the one that had to do the lines, and she was the one to say sorry.

Around the same time her best friend introduced her to another girl - one that had been in an accident as an infant. Her face and hands were 'melted' and she was a fright to look at. The little girl was scared, so didn't talk to this girl, instead she withdrew, and didn't call around to see her best friend when this little girl was there, and generally was very unsociable.

One day, the melted girl saw her in the street and came up and spoke to her. It turns out her name was Tania, and she got her burns when, as a litttle girl of 18 months old, she pulled on a jug cord and poured boiling hot water all over her. She was now 8 and had been through several surgeries to reconstruct her head so hair would grow, reconstruct her hands so she could use them, reconstruct her face so she could breathe and eat, and reconstruct one ear and ear workings where the water poured into.

Tania was scared as she always frightens people with how she looks, she knew she was clever, she knew she was top of her class, and she knew alot of things. But the one thing she craved for was friends.

She was always tormented as school, the other children didn't understand and called her names and bullied her because she was different. The little girl hadn't done that - why not? She knew the little girls best friend through their parents, as she was her cousin. The little girls best friend was essentially her only friend who was not male, or an adult.

It was then that the little girl turned to Tania and said "well, I'm your friend now, and my name is Beth. Lets go play"

She looked into Tania's eyes, which were really just eyeballs in surgically made holes (she had obviously shut her eyes when the hot water came down and melted her eyelids to a degree. She could blink but it looked very strained) and asked where she lived. At my cousins place for the moment, I'm to much for my mum and dad sometimes and they need a break. Why are you too much? Cause I still need to go to the doctors and specialists and hospital every week, I still have operations. I also have to go to a special doctor who I talk to about the teasing and having no friends.

"I'll look after you so you don't need to worry now" said Beth.

What a great writer. I hope getting it out is healing for you hun. Digging so deep, being so honest with oneself, is the best way to recover. Hugs.

The three girls played quite happily together and Beth's best friend joined up with the swimming club - as did her brothers.

By the time she was almost 12 she realised that what she had the boys had done to her hadn't been done to her friends. Maybe she was special, she didn't know.

Her family were 'dull buzzing'. It was 1977 and her sister was getting married, so there was excitment there (even though her sister did not live at home anymore). Secretly this girl was hoping to be part of the bridal party, but that was not to be.

It was a dull buzz as her father was in hospital once more - this time with a gaul bladder problem and cancer of the bowel. He (as the age of around 64) had another major surgery. At least this time he came out of it well, and she was allowed to see him in hospital, tubes and all. He was hallucinating from the drugs but always seemed to know she was there.

He was determined to be out of hospital for his daughters wedding. The date was set for February 12 1977.

He was there, and he looked so proud, her sister looked very elegant, and the little girl sat with her grandmother, feeling much like an ugly duckling.

She was starting to sprout and develop. At 5 foot she was taller than her grandmother and she had boobs now. This sparked interest from her brother and his friends - although they never acted on it - they just teased her about it. She was very self consious....

Just before her sisters wedding, her mother gave her a book to read about a girls 'cycle' and very flippantly said "if you have any questions come and ask". Of course she was to embarressed to ask... looking at the diagrams, what were falliopian tubes, how did that egg get there? What made the egg a baby? how did the dad do this.

As she delved further and further in to the book she became intreguied. Is this what her brother was trying to do? And his friend and the others?

This had already started. She didn't know what to say when someone at the pools had shouted in a very loud voice, "hey look your bleeding...all the way down your leg!! " She felt the whole worlds eyes descended upon her.

She rushed off to the toilets to see where it had come from, she couldn't stop it..she couldn't find a cut and plainly she didn't understand.

When she read the book it dawned on her..they had started to talk about this at the intermediate school she was at..she didn't take much notice though! Oh God no! she can't have babies, she doesn't want babies..NO NO NO!

She started to tremble, she couldn't tell her mother about this, she mustn't. She will think I am a tart (slut was not in her vocabulary at this age). But her mother, like all mothers, already knew...and had left her some goodies in her room, and when this not so little girl found them, she was relieved.

A year or so went passed, without to much problem - her father was in and out of hospital still, her brother was in the airforce and away from home, and her sister was married, living her own life. She was at home alone with her parents. She felt like an only child and was glad of that. She did start to notice boys - as you do at that age, and also noticed that not many spoke to her. Ok she went to an all girls school, but many of her friends had boyfriends at the same age, and they were getting plenty of attention. There was a rule at home that the 'children' could not go out on a date until they were 16...and she was only 14. Beth understood that, but she didn't want to wait. She wanted a bit more adventure in her life. ...