Once upon a time

The time flew and before she knew it the year was 1995.

She was turning 30!! wow! 30!

Crikey, how did I get this old????

Peter made a brick spit and a party was planned... loads of people ...loads and loads of people.....

loads of food, bit of alcohol and ...errr loads of people.

The garage was cleaned out, the music was going and Beth has tooooooo much to drink...

She was very very happy and was circulating around the guests (with a bit of a sway on...) and went to check on Peter's oldest niece and her friends at the end of the driveway. They were all in their early teens...drinking and having fun.


Beth walked across the road to try and get them back to the party - she wanted to know that everyone was there, and no one was to go 'walkies'.

Instead of managing to saunter across the road with a great degree of confidence, she walked a crooked line, hicupping all the way ... and instead of saying "hey why don't you guys come back up to the house" she kinda said ..hhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy..... wwwwwhhhhhaaaat cchha o doin'..

they all laughed at her - ok said one of the boys and before she knew it he had picked her up and she was over his shoulder. He stood in the middle of the road (their driveway was on a blind corner) and spun around with her over his shoulder...... ewwww... she thought and before she knew it she was waking up in the middle of the road.

Before she came to fully she could hear, aw f***, com'on lets go...shit shit shit..and then she heard running.

She doesn't think she was out for long and could hear everyone up at the house, she could hear the music, she could hear the chatter, she could hear the chatter and she could hear cars coming down the road.

She got up quickly... ohhhhh... holding her head.... not good.....

ummm better get back to the party.

She ventured up to the driveway and wondered where the kids went to. She smiled at everyone and carried of for a few minutes or so.

She felt queezy, she felt headachy she had to sit down...

And sit down she did.

Around the other side of the the house there is a deck, she went around and sat on the edge and started to hyperventerlate.

She panicked.

She didn't know what to do. Her head hurt and she sat there and sobbed. Why?

Why does nothing pan out for me? She didn't know why she thought this...she just put her face in her hands and sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed.

And then she sobbed more.

Her friend SC found her and asked what was wrong - and another came up to help. She was still crying and people were leaving. She was sure they thought she was just drunk.

She clambered up the stairs to bed... ohh... my head...they put an ice pack on her head and told her to rest. She kept on talking and sitting up, talking and sitting up...sitting up and talking...

She felt down and didn't really know why. Eventually the last people left (at around 2am) and she managed to go to sleep, waking the next morning feeling only slightly shady.

Surprizingly she remembered everything (or so she thought)

She met her friend SC kinda coutesy of Peter's ex girlfriend. They were over at Kay's place for new years eve of 1993 (ie 1992 turning to 1993) when Kay was talking about a diploma she had started.

According to her, she was exceptionally bright - she got an average of B+ in the topics she took, and they were easy peesy... Kay felt compelled not to carry on as they wouldn't benefit her at all, but they were easy!

Beth thought, if she can do it, I can do it better - I can prove I am just as good as her, and I will prove that I am better.

I need to be better she thought, and the very next week she enrolled in a course - Accounting 100 - at Unitec in Auckland

She needed to do the exact same courses as Kay, to prove she was just as good.

Her first class was in what seemed to be a prefab building. Sitting at a desk to the left of the class her teacher turned up. She had really blonde curly hair, and could not be missed.

They started to talk about debits and credits, journals and computer programs. Ahh she understood the latter, but the rest pffft.. what was that?

She couldn't keep up and she thought they were talking a new language. T-accounts ? what?

She felt like she couldn't do this, and she couldn't cope, but she didn't want' to face up to that fact. She didn't want peter to know she struggled. Yet .. there was a girl in the middle of the class who was getting everything right.

The next class, she sat next to her. Her name was SC and she was very bright. It was almost as if she had written the curiculum...

woah my life,ive been chocking back tears while reading this, i really admire your strength!

Beth talked to SC and asked how she got the answers she was getting. "its easy when you know how" she was told "I do this for a living" .

Beth just felt inadequate and didn't know why she thought she just wasn't good enough. She kept the thought of Peter's ex in the back of her head, and what she had said. If she can do it, so can I. I'm out to impress Peter, that's the only way I'll keep him, he needs someone smart and I'll prove I am.

The second or third night she sat beside SC, she resigned herself to the fact that she was no comparison to her - here she was tall, dark haired, intelligent, and getting top of the class every night. She just couldn't compete, there was no way she could, after all, she was blonde, shorter, dumber and way to stupid to hold down a job like SC did.

Her moment of glory arrived. One assignment where she got the same marks as SC - yay! Intelligence was there!

She was so pleased with herself she raced home to tell Peter - passing SC along the way - little did she know she was being tailed by a cop car - uuggghh.

Yes she got pulled up and SC waved at her as she went past - much like she did when she passed SC grrr.... that wasn't meant to happen. Gawd I was doing how much in a 50 k area??? 68? blast. Thank you officer - I think..

Crushed once more, she carried on home. Why do I do this, why do I fail at everything? Why is everyone better than me? why can't life just deal me a break?

Later that semester SC invited Beth and her partner to her place for dinner the following Saturday, which she said 'love to'.

Saturday rolled around and Beth and Peter rocked up to SC's house. She answered the door and Peter recognised her as being an ex girlfriend of one of his neighbours friends. They met her husband, and the evening went well - well as it could for Beth.

She noticed that Peter spent alot more time talking to SC than anyone else and while she knew it was unintentional, it bugged her. She looked around her, this couple had everything, a good job each, good possessions and not struggling. Not like her, SC was attractive and they had family that cared for them immensly.

Beth didn't know it then, but she was comparing to a path of self destruction and ruin.....by this stage she felt completely inadequate, nothing to offer to the world and nothing to offer to Peter - SC and her husband had perfect lives, with perfect jobs and a perfect house.. and perfect possessions. The only thing perfect to Beth in her life, was Peter...........

Life went on and that semester went ok. Beth finally passed with a "B", SC went on and passed with an A+

As a matter a fact SC managed A+'s in alot of the topics, she even got awards for how well she did.

Beth felt small, inadequate. Often she thought of ending her life because she was 'so dumb' - after all, Peter's ex could get B+'s in the first few courses and although Beth's average in the first year was B+ she felt she could, and should, do better.

She just wanted to be the best, and no matter how much she strived for it, she couldn't be...she was worthless, hopeless and ..why did she put herself through this???

One day they were invited to SC's house, for a party.. Beth was ready to let her hair down - it was SC's 30th - so tequlla laid backs, various spirits and wine and beer were the order of the night.

As the music blared, and Beth took the lemons, salt (or was it sugar) and laid back for the liquour to be pored, she felt a black cloud over head ... what was happening???

Going outside, she started to crumble - no one was around so she let go. She couldn't stop crying, she was sobbing, head in hands and sobbed. Just not good enough. Just the mistake. Can't keep up. Can't do it. Wish I was SC. Hate me. Shouldn't be having a good time, not normally allowed to have a good time, always having to drive her ex home - what was I doing; oh god, he is going to be mad - what will he do?? Will I live this time?? - flashbacks!

After a short while, she heard footsteps. She recognised the footsteps and quickly wiped her face with her sleeve and dried her eyes.

It was him. "Whats up" said Peter.. Nothing... she said, "come on - come inside, have some fun" I'm not used to being allowed to have fun" "What??" of course you are! Inside she went, she sobered up pretty darn quickly and just watched people. People being happy. People having fun. People chatting, people laughing, people drinking, people staggering and people becoming loud.

Is that what this is all about? Is this what life is supposed to be like? Happy? Laughable? Free? I can't do that. I don't know how to.

She stayed 'sitting' on her drink for the next few hours. All of a sudden she could not figure out how to act appropriately, she felt people were judging her, her every move was being watched by everyone and she didn't want to put a foot wrong.

They went home and went to bed but she couldn't sleep. What if I did something wrong? What if I embarressed him? what if ? What is going to happen - I tried not to misbehave, but maybe I did. She was dreading the next day. What are the consequences??

She drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning. The next thing she knew she heard something being put down beside her. It was a cup of tea.

"morning" he said. How are you feeling this morning. "Fine?" Beth thought that he might have thought she was hung over. She was, but not to badly (she could coordinate her words). She didn't want him to know, she didn't want to be beaten.

During the day Peter asked her why she was so 'jumpy'. "You know I would never hurt you" he said very sincerely. "I'm not going to treat you badly" . Nothing happened. As a matter a fact he fussed over her and made sure she was ok.

She felt alot better and after a few more months she felt she could start to relax, slightly.

The year moved along quickly, and the next school year started. She was in several classes with SC and felt very inadequate. Little did she know she probably feel into a slight depression.

She made sure she worked long hours on her studies - would that help? She couldn't keep it all in her head - it kept on falling out! arrgghhh why was she feeling so dumb???

Beth enjoyed the next few years - but she just couldn't stop comparing herself to everyone else!

SC was bright, intelligent, pretty and always got awards for her studies, Peter's ex girlfriend got married, and they attended the wedding (although, that did not make her very happy at all).

The one day, Beth came home with a card from Michael Hill Jeweller. Jokingly she said to Peter "Look I've been in and seen the ring that I would like, and have couple of back up plans listed as well incase it is sold by the time you get there. I am just going to leave this on the fridge wall, and if you want, you can go and buy this and propose!!"

She was feeling really cheeky. Is that right? was his response..

The card stayed on the fridge wall for a few weeks. She got so used to seeing it there that she didn't even notice it had gone missing, and then come back.

Peter had to pick his moment. He had a mystery weekend trip that he had won, he would do it then. He found that he was on call for the weekend he wanted - bother.

One night - they were in bed (no don't ask what they were doing ) when a conversation evolved where Beth got out of bed for something. The conversation ended up with Peter chasing her around the house - they were laughing and giggling - like a couple of school kids, until finally they ended up in the workshop under the house.

Peter reached into a draw, retrived an object, got down on one knee and proposed!! She was quite taken by surprize, but of course said 'yes'. The ring was the first one she had chosen, and he said to her - didn't you see the card was missing. Her heart was racing...

Cheeky sod she said, gave him and a cheeky grin and ran back upstairs.

That was July 15 1997.

By July 20 1997 everyone knew there was a wedding planned. Finally she felt happy with her life - she was singing in her heart and was so proud of her man. She didn't feel like this with her first husband that's for sure!!!!

aww. I love your cheeky personality mylife. Happy times.

Before she knew it the date was set... March 1st 1997, venue Pinesong in Greenbay.. open carriage.. dress organised, SC was matron of honour and Peter's two nieces were bridesmaids as well as Beth's neice. SC's husband was a groomsman and Pete's best friend was best man, with Beths nephew as another groomsman.

The hen's party and bucks night came around very quickly.

It was scheduled for the week before the wedding. A hot stinky day... Beths started with dinner in a resturant in town.. with a belly dancer (she had to get up and dance and had wobbled in places she never knew wobbled) it was halerious when everyone got up and danced!!!

after that they went around all the night clubs in town, and Beth had to wear a sign saying "kiss me quick I'm getting married soon!" At first she was very aware of this to begin with, but after a couple of bottles of wine, she got over it..

Eventually the 'bridal party' - well those who were old enough to stay the whole night out ended up at Beths place at 5 am.. smelling like a brewery, and semi sober feeling given that they had danced the night away!!

Peter arrived home at 7.30 - have you just finished? Beth asked. No we wrapped up at around midnight.. and you?

Feeling slightly embarressed she said oh... about the same - with visions of Queen street, clubs, drinking etc going through her mind!!

She didn't go to sleep as they all had dress fittings at 8.30 - oopppsss..

Arriving at the dress fitting smelling like a brewery, Beth hoped that she could get home soon, to get some sleep, she was exhausted, suffering from the munchies and just wanting to shut her eyes

All in all the dress fitting went well, considering all of this. She looked at herself in the mirror. He dress was beautiful - it had a long train which could be 'hitched' up at the back for dancing. It was sort of victorianish in two tones - one was pearl and the other called rum (which she found amusing given the state she was in).

The next week was fine, sunny and hot, however when Saturday the 1st arrived, it was wet, rainy and gusty. People started to arrive at her home (Peter was staying at the best mans house) and she looked out side. Oh well she thought, guess we are having the ceremony inside! It was planned for outside, but wasn't to be. Little did she know how much fun the rain was really going to be.

After the makeup, hair do and dress fitting, she had photo's taken at home. The photographer mistakingly thought that Peters father was her's and included him in the photos (which she did not mind).

She then went downstairs with her part of the bridal party, and hopped in the car. The car took her to the horse and carriage... umm how do I get on that thing???

The rain started to pour as she was getting on the carriage, SC said, come on Beth and shoved her hand firmly on Beth's butt to give her a push. Beth ended up in her mothers lap (who was going with her to the ceremony in the carriage) - it only took a couple of minutes to get sorted and off they went. The top was up on the carriage and everything was fine. But....

opps a gust of wind caught the top of the carriage and Beth put her hand up to stop it from falling right down. As she did that she felt the back of her dress come undone - quickly grabbing the front of her dress she held onto it while her mother tried to do up the dress, and the footsman put the top on the carriage back up.

Beth was laughing about the whole thing, but her mother just couldn't get the dress done up!! They arrived at the ceremony (which was going to be outside, but because it was raining it was placed inside the chapel instead). SC came out (with people holding umbrella's over her) and managed to get Beths dress done up.

Finally she could get out of the carriage, with people holding up her train, others with umbrellas over her and more people with camera's than she had every seen in her entire life.

Squelch, squelch, squelch went her shoes... up the isle, she saw Peter waiting for her with a big smile on his face. She knew this was right. Squelch squelch... was all she could hear. She giggled, this appealed to her sense of humour.

The ceremony went well, and then the weather cleared for photo's. The bridal party went outside for photo's on the carriage and with the horse. In one photo, Beth was holding onto the horse's reins on one side of the horses head with Peter holding the other side. Beth felt the horse nudge her and lean against her when the photo was being taken and when she tried to walk away, she couldn't! The horse was standing on her train!!!

Peter saw this and started to sing "yellow river, yellow river" yes the horse decided to drop a massive pee and it was heading straight for her train!! They lifted that up and managed to avoid a stain of sorts. However the horse did leave a horseshoe mark completly ingrained in her train....

They all laughed it off!!!It was soooo funny

PRESENT DAY

19 August 2009

"So Beth, I haven't met you before, can you tell me a little about yourself" said the psychologist, smiling nicely.

She was lucky if she was 4 foot tall, built like a pin.

Umm Beth thought.. I don't know if I want to...

"Ummm I grew up in town, behind my parents dairy, ummm... my dad was in and out of hospital....here *hands and envelope* I have been posting on this great website called the Big Black Dog and have started my life story - I cut and pasted it into word for you to read. It makes good bedtime reading.. I am sure it will send you to sleep"

"great said the psychologist, but I want to hear this from you"

Oh fuck Beth thought. I kinda hoped she would just take it away and read it.

Peter looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

I don't want them to stare at me.. I'd better say something.

"umm" trying not to give anything away in body language "well, I have a brother who is around 7 years older than me and a sister who is around 8 years older than me. We lived behind a dairy in the city and Mum ran the dairy. Dad was in and out of hospital - he was the guinea pig for a mitral valve replacement op in NZ - did I tell you that? He was in hospital lots and was 20 years older than my mother"

She breathed a very heavy sigh..what the fuck else can I tell her without cracking up like a baby? How did I get to this?

"so how was school" she enquired.

"not that good, I was bullied badley and my brother teased me alot outside of school, even before I had started"

"what type of teasing?"

It was at that point Beth relaxed a little, suddenly she felt she could trust this person and talk to her about most things, so she rattled off alot of 'stuff' (which is a bit blurry to tell you the truth) and then the stinger came.

"So tell me have you tried to commit suicide recently - say in the last 6 months or so when these feelings have been heightened"

Double shit!

Bugger

I don't want to answer this

But I have to, to move forward, I think.

She started to tremble slightly.

"have you considered suicide?" she asked once more.

"Yes I have" came the reply.

"and how - what methods did you consider"

Beth tried to remain calm, her hands were sweaty and Peter moved forward and picked up her right hand and held it. She didn'tn even realise that tears were forming and sliding down her face.

She looked down at the table, and felt like a shamed teenager.

"overdosing on panadol" she tried to say.

"overdosing on panadol? Can I tell you something about panadol? Yes you can overdose on it but that won't kill you. What kills you is the liver damage and it is painful and slow. What stopped you?"

Fuck fuck fuck...now she really felt like she needed a change of nappies.

"um thinking about those who would find me, Peter and my children"

"often that is the thing that stops people from suicide. But your family would have had to watch you die a slow and painful death".

Tears were streaming uncontrollably.

Lots of swear words were going through Beths mind.

Peter was holding her hand and she realised she was holding his tightly.

She couldn't tell the psychologist about the trains. No.

More discussion evolved and ACC sensitive claims were brought up.

"you can have 5 sessions with me, but I really think you need to apply for ACC sessions. You have a low self esteem issue going on - possibly from teasing and bullying as well as your violent past relationship. Tell me why did you not leave him?"

"because I was scared"

"I strongly reccommend that you apply for this, and can write to your doctor for the claim - it is done through him. I also think you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder"

Beth started to go numb. Her ears were muffled, her face was wet and her mood was going down slightly.

This is supposed to be good for me she thought. So I need to perservere. It is so hard, but I need to do this. God I feel sorry for Peter, he is the one that needs to mop this up.. Poor man

Oh.. poo's and wee's ..


She left with some information on PTDS and depression. Damn. Bugga

This is not going to be easy.

Pete's here...but she still felt low. Here she was, with the love of her life and treating him terribly...

*hugs mylife* I hope writing in the third person is making it easier for you to tell your story and process your thoughts.

Peter does sound like a great man, but don't believe that inner voice in your head that tells you he shouldn't have to deal with this. You are a great person, and YOU shouldn't have to deal with this. He is doing it because he sees value in you, he wants to help you, because he LOVES you.

The issues you are bringing up are hard enough to deal with without the guilt you are feeling in doing so. As you say its your life, you are in control, and you deserve to be given this opportunity to help yourself