My PND Days....

I have been wanting to start a journal since I joined TBBD about 3 weeks ago, but each time I try I just dont know where to start so I keep putting it off. About 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with post natal depression and put on meds. Looking back, I guess I started having it after my first son was born but it has gotten worse more recently after my second son. I have 2 boys, one just over 2 years old and the other is nearly 7 months old now. I guess the pressures of having 2 small children close in age, my partners dwindling work and living in a very small town where I dont really have close friends, have all combined to make me feel that some days I am just so tired I want to go to bed and not wake up or I will cry for no real reason. But one of the hardest things is memory loss. I dont know whether this is unique to me and my situation or is something that comes with depression in general. Some of you will remember me from the chatbox when I very nearly put my baby in the fridge Seriously. I really meant to put him down in his cot to nap but I just forget. I find most days I wander around the house thinking to myself, "now what was I doing?" Or I have a million things to do but I forget what I am doing half way through and start another task so at the end of the day I havent got anything done, just created more mess and more chaos in the house and in my mind.

Now that I have actually started writing I could just go on and on and on but what I actually want to do is create a space where I can talk with other mothers or people in similar situations as well as write down my own stuff. I know there are other sites, but I like this one and Ive gotten to chat with a few of the regulars and feel welcome here. And I better stop now or im going to start talking rubbish.

Floss

Hi there Floss,

I can totally relate to the memory loss thing, I think we just get so cluttered in our minds that these things just 'fall out' and don't stay.

Nothing you say here is rubbish by the way, especially if it helps you or others - ok?

Speaking as a mother with sons 14 months apart, I know personally how hard that road can be, so please vent, take out frustration, or tell me your good days with them. I also know what it is like to have two small children and a dwindling income.

Whilst we were surrounded by close family and friends I felt alone.

I look forward to your posts here, could be very reminicent for me.

hi Floss good start to your journal Post natal depression is a hard one so good on you

Hi Floss,

although I have no experience wiht pnd, I can relate to your feelings of the pressures of 2 small children close in age, as i find it quite stressful most days with my 3yr old and 18mth old as well, on top of all the other things going on.

I like this site as well, and have been welcomed with warmness which i really appreciate too. Dont worry about going on and on, i do it all the time and find it helps me to type it all out, if it helps you then by all means let it out.

So I have had an ok day today. Ive gone back to work more hours now at the salon and I am only on commission so on the days its slow I get pissed off cause it means I wont earn much but nearly every day I find myself wishing I had no clients so I dont have to get dressed and be cheery to everyone. people ask me how I am and I always say, " yeah great thanks" but most of the time Im not, its just an automatic response. Its a real chore dealing with people constantly, especially when my family is so demanding of my time as well. I feel like I am spreading my self too thinly but I cant let anyone down.

Yesterday morning my 2 year old was driving me insane. I wish i could just sit down on the floor and take interest in whatever hes doing but theres always something to be done, making breakfast, getting dressed, getting the boys dressed, washing, dishes blah blah..... I was nearly losing the plot by 12pm. This morning I caved and put on the wiggles and he was an angel and stayed glued to the tv all morning while I felt guilty for being a crap mum who uses the tv as a babysitter. But at least he wasnt trying out his wrestling moves on his 6 month old brother

And to top it all off, my partner has a sinus infection, which means the world is going to end because he is in so much pain and I have to mother him too.

So there is my whinge for the the day. Positives?? Well, I seem to be gaining a lot more regular clients, which means a good income in the long run. but I wish I was more motivated to go to work... Ah well another day tomorrow....

Hey Floss - thanks for the note. I know how it feels to struggle along with 2 little boys. Mine are almost 4 yrs apart in age but it is still a daily grind. My memory used to be excellent - these days sometimes I look at something I wrote down and think - what the heck was that? I have no recollection of writing it even though it is in my handwriting. Do you feel any better on the meds?

Oh my god. I just typed out a really long in depth journal entry and went to save it and my stupid broadband failed. Now I am farking pissed off and i cant be bothered to go thru it all again.

The last thing I did type though is to be grateful I have something to get up to every day i.e. my children. Starting tomorrow...

hey floss,

just wanted to quickly pop in quickly before taking the kids to the docs, to say i hope you have a good day today.

For over a week now, I have been trying to write in this journal but every time I go to put something down it seems insignificant so I delete it. I really have nothing to write but Im going to anyway. Who knows what will sprout...

Ive has such an unproductive week and my house is in a shambles, as usual. My partner is off playing golf, again. Kids are sleeping and I am still in my pjs at 3.40pm. I am also watching this thing on discovery about people drinking their own piss. I thought urine was the waste product of the body. Far out.


The sky is getting very black out there and its been pretty chilly today. The last few days have been stunningly beautiful and warm but it hasnt helped me to feel more positive and motivated. I am getting a bit agitated about the vaccumming so I better go do it specially before my partner gets home from golf or else I will get the dreaded question," So what have you been doing all day?"

I'll be back......

Oh Floss, you are a remarkable lady. Funny with men when they can be really, really sick and then go off and play golf at the end of which you feel you have to have the house 'just so' for him. Perhaps a bit of excercise with the vacuum cleaner instead of golf clubs would do you both a bit of good. My place needs a good vacuum too but lucky for me, there is no one to see it. Catch you in chat again soon I hope.

Floss, if it matters to you then it is not insignificant. The fact that it matters to you means this,

Feel free to post, and let rip if need be. Personally I don't take offense!!

Hi Floss...

I can totally relate to the memory thing.. i brewed tea the other day and in doing so i put the boiling water in to the teapot..THEN i got out two cups and picked up the kettle and couldn't figure out why it was empty. Then i found myself wondering if i had even put it on to boil in the first place...THEN i saw that the teapot was full of the water i had 'lost'!...

Reduction in income is also something i can identify with-my partner is in a similar situation-it puts a serious strain on a relationship.

But as you said you have a reason to get up every day- your beautiful children!

Take care and keep venting!!!!xxx

Well, its been a month now that I have been taking meds and I have a follow up appt with my gp tonight. Hes going to ask me how Im going and Im going to say ok. Im certainly not any worse anyway.

I am gratefull i found this site as chatting to a few of you on here has just been a great help in itself. And after having a good old chinwag with Worried the other night helped me decide to ask my gp about counselling. If that turns out ok then my next plan of attack is to try to get my partner to go too.

On a positive note, I am so looking forward to a long hot summer. Even just a few warm days that we have had have helped me to feel a bit warmer inside. If only it would help me do housework too!

Floss

Good luck with the GP, looking forward to hearing how you get on.

good luck at gps let us know how you go