My mind is muddled...

the trick is to love one's self first...

and that can be so difficult

Chin up hun, it will get better once you let go of the dependancy. We either contribute or contaminate a relationship. I remember when I first seperated from my then man, feeling what was I going to do without this wonderful man who made me laugh, put the sun in my day, made my world revolve and feeling such devastation. If only I knew what I do now and that is that although yes he did do all those things, he also did so much more to me that was not healthy. We are responsible for our own world, WE can make it spin, WE are capable of smiling and laughing, after all we did before we meet this person. The other thing to remember is whilst he may help give these wonderful feelings, ask yourself at what cost??. Hugs to you both

I am very happy with my current husband, peter, he is strong supportive and doesn't hurt me (well if he stands on my feet he does!)

There is no cost to me to have him around, unlike my first husband.

I felt so independant when I left him and on top of the world - funny innit?

Now poor old pete is the one suffering. But we are mananging and getting through.



With a little help from mothers little helper too....hehehehehehe

mothers lilHealper looks great.
He's dying to be a Man!

The past is the past!
To give it power is to think about it and become attached to the thoughts.
The pain must be released in psychotherapy or in the darkened corner of your aloneness...

This hollowing of the vessal allows us a greater appreciation of the Peters in Our Life! Staying in the shallows
we get our toes wet only!

Become a devil!

Emerse your whole Being in Life
then you wont be saddened
when death comes and takes you away
from your loved ones!

Hi all...

Thank you for your lovely relpies.. and the fact is that ye are ALL right.... but i just don't want to accept it.

I got dragged to a party last night- girls night out- within an hour i was in floods of tears in the bathroom... I am in no way ready for social situations right now, but i went along with a positive attitude. UNfortunatlely this did not last long. All i could think while i was there..was that now i've decieded to move out.. and that will be happening in a few weeks..why am i not spending what time i can with my partner and not sitting with a bunch of giggly girls who are getting drunker by the smell of Gin....I wasn't drinking because of Meds. So i was miserable and made my way home..where i had another great conversation with my partner.

I understand him better now, but i have more to learn. There have been lots of revelations over the past couple of months about my partner that i am finding difficult to digest. I am not hurt about the revelations, i'm hut about the fact that i have shared my life with him for the past 6 years and did NOT truly know the man i was with. I am hurt by the fact that he has seen me go downhill emotionally over the past year or so.. all because i could not understand him, and he could not pay me the respect of sitting me down and explaining his problems to me. All i wanted was to understand why... I was blaming myself, i cried and cried in front of him and he did not have the 'balls' to put him out there and explain why... I don't care what turns him on.. i just want to know WHAT turns him on as strange and all as it may be. I just wanted to understand and he let me spend years worrying about 'us' and our life together, i've felt rejection so many times, i was hurt and confuses and all i needed was an explainations and you could not do that for me.. the one you love?....

I would do anything for you... If i had no hands or legs but you needed me to climb Mt Everest... i'd do it for you. All i needed was an explaination... but you were afraid you would loose me if you told me the truth... YOU WOULD NOT HAVE LOST ME...but you may loose me now because you have spent the last 6 years, hiding, not being honest and lying to me. THESE are the things that upset me so much more then your 'problem' which did not have to turn into a 'problem' if i had been told about it years ago. Yes I do not understand how you feel- I have wanted to understand how you feel with the past six years- IT IS NOT THAT I DO NOT WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL- it is just that i am sick of trying to figure you out- the only reason you have told me about your 'problem' is because my counsellor figured it out. If i had not confronted you about it you would never have told me about it and you would have watched me become even more of a mess of a person over the years, because you were being selfish and not wanting to loose me. Well you have possibly lost me know because you have hurt me so much by not telling me - you had plenty of opportunities, plenty of chances- you have had years. I feel like a fool that i did not realise what was going on, that it took for my counsellor to suggest this to me and for me to finally realise that the puzzle was now completed after years of crying, worrying, rejection, HURT. But now the puzzle is completed i still do not understand it. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND IT i really do but ONLY you can expain it to me.

I feel betrayed, like you were cheating on me for years, like all you cared about was yourself and your selfishness by not telling me when you could see it was tearing me apart. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOSE YOU but you need to realise that i can't do what you want me to do. I need more from you and if you are not willing to do something about that- you then must realise that the 'problem' is ACTUALLY BIGGER THEN YOU THINK. You should want to do ANYTHING to keep me in your life - you have lied to me for years-hence proving that you would do anything to keep me in your life. NOW it is time to take action and make sure i do not walk out of your life... BUT WILL YOU DO IT. If you do not then we will all know that this thing is more important them me... and that i can't deal with. My heart is breaking every day..please do something to prove to me that you love me as much as i love you because i do not want to loose my best friend..don't break my heart anymore, just get help. I know it sounds like i'm asking you to change your skincolour from white to black with an extremely painful surgery, but i need you to do this for me...and more importantly for YOU. MY LOVE FOR YOU IS SO DEEP THAT I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY SOME DAY-I WANT YOU TO BE A GREAT HUSBAND AND FATHER- but if you do not look after this problem-that you love, then you will never get the things you want out of life. I don't want you to end up a lonely old man because you were too stubborn to get help.

Do this for YOU, do this for ME, do this for US

greasemonkey wrote:

FEAR of LETTING GO!


" i just don't want to accept it."

by letting-go everything goes and life is free again.
Scarey for some aye!

Petrifing, scary, unthinkable...almost, big black wall.. i don't want to accept it and i will go to the ends of the earth to make it better then accept it.

...you have ripped my heart out, stomped on it for years and now you are throwing a big bloody mess back in my face...and THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE LOVE?????????

Hey worried, surely you can find a few more. Get it out hun, it will make you stronger.

peterpam wrote:Hey worried, surely you can find a few more. Get it out hun, it will make you stronger.

Lol..i am angry.. so damn mad, mad at how the man i love so so so much who i thought was a kind caring man has hidden things for years and years and not been honest with me and saw the pain i was/am going through and it took for me to spring him to admit things to me. To give me the opportunity to understand him.

I TRUSTED YOU, LOVED YOU, DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU, AND YOU DID NOT PAY ME THE RESPECT OF BEING HONEST WHEN YOU COULD SEE MY HEART WAS BEING RIPPED FROM MY CHEST.

YOUR JOB WAS TO PROTECT MY HEART NOT TO BREAK IT. NOW I'VE A BROKEN HEART AND I'VE TO TRY AND FIX IT ALL ON MY OWN.. HEART IS NOT JUST BROKEN.. ITS F*****..IN SH*** AND NOW I'VE THIS BIG MESS TO CLEAN UP-THANKS ALOT. IF THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR YEARS OF LOYALTY, LOVE AND AFFECTION..CHEERS... I'M SO DAMN MAD AND HURT. I AM A FOOL, STUPID AND NOW I'M STUCK I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE DESPITE ALL THIS I STILL LOVE YOU...AND I CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF GOING THROUGH ANY MORE PAIN.. I'M JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH... MY CONFIDENCE IS IN SH*** I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL EVER FUNCTION AGAIN- AND YES THIS IS YOUR FAULT-EVEN IF YOU THINK I AM JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD I AM NOT IT IS THE TRUTH- AND THE TRUTH HURTS MATE.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANT TO SCREAM........AND ROAR AND HIT AND KICK...AND SCREAM.............................................................................

mmm,
this sort of cathartic outburst is good,
when you also give yourself the peace that comes after the event.

So Many Ppl miss the point of chucking-out the pain
and then start blamming others
for their venture into the heart.

Venturing into our own heart is healing.

We must do this to heal ourselves
and Mature ready to Love again.

Remember, at the end of a session
sink-into the delicious peace that is there
when you have emptied outand exhausted all pain!

Hi Worried,

I have been thinking of you since we had a chat. I see you are lettin gsome anger out - good on you, its a step towards healing.
Its sad how you were searching for a man who would never physically hurt you but you have ended up with a man who has emotionally hurt you.

You are right when you say he needs to take some responsibility for not only himself but also your pain for it has come from him and his actions.

I hope he is reading your journal and it snaps him into making some decisions.
All the best Worried, hope to chat soon

Floss x

Hi all..just a quick note to let you all know that i have not disappeared.. have had alot on my plate recently..work/guests from overseas etc..

Have an update almost ready to post.. things good, well actually things really great for me these past couple of weeks.. feeling much much better.

Hugs to all!xx

That you are feeling much much better is the very best news you could give us. Take care and hope to chat again when things quieten down in your life a little.