LC - Thoughts of the mind

hey lc hope you have a good time with your birth family

LC...I had a thought about this new guy that you are basically stuck training

how about you give him a nickname?...even if it is only when you mentally think of him...and it can be anything...just so long as it is a million miles removed from any reminders of your ex...

some suggestions...if he is a bit on the dopey/clumsy side call him Gomer...if he has a messy fluffy hairstyle call him fuzznut or fuzzle...if he wears little round glasses call him Harry (potter)...if he is a bit caveman like call him Fred or Barney.

fred or barney.. i know heaps of cavemen!

I'm scared, scared off how I've been feeling lately, scared of the thoughts going through my mind, afraid that I might act on them and really hoping that I don't.

no matter what, you are not your thoughts.
You are the watcher of thought.

Conciousness,which we are in essence, is ONE.
When we have thought-ourselves into separate individual beings(aided by our parental up bringing and reinforced at school an church),we have become conditioned,JUST AS OUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN.

If we resolved our own make-up, where would our sickness be?
My illness has shown me so many things
I feel so close to people
I am on the verge
of being like everyone else,
not their sicknesses but their essence.
love

so, so true GM.

that maybe true,,,

I have not written in here for a while. Why?? Because I feel I have nothing worthy to say. Who would want to listen/read to me going on complaining?? I've had enough, I've given up with everything, I just can't be bothered anymore. I don't care if I'm left with scars from all the self-harm, I don't care if I am drinking and I know how it reacts with my meds. I just don't care any more. I am trying so hard to see the point of continuing on this path of life but is it worth it?? It would be easy enough to just make myself disappear, maybe they could make up some story about being kidnapped or similar, least then it wouldn't leave the same amount of hurt on people left behind. Or maybe I could stage it so it looks like someone attacked me. Fuck I hate this, I've really had enough. How am I meant to stay strong when I feel weak and exhausted?? How am I mean to try and fight this when I have no strength or hope?? I give up. What happens will happen, I hold out for nothing.

I like listening,
to you.

think about this ML!

When you are complaining {especially after thinking you have nothing to say that is} you are off-loading your energy. Once you have emptied it is important to keep writing to find what else is there, as I have found there is something in everyone waiting their discovery. The key is to Not Stop writing.
Original thought is when the mind has turned,after the far-end is reached and something like a laugh or a giggle is experienced. Anything which makes you laugh, giggle or smile is comming from the
Gem Department,
The Department of Originality.
We get to the D.O. via free association.

Writing is good when its original.
We need to write expecting nothing at all;thats the secrete.
Writing yourself-out
is better than good ML.

Why-Not take some time to write to yourself, in the 'free-association' mode, freely writing your shitout and keep it going on an on...it will go on an on and then, sooner or later a small gem will be noticed and then heaps more shit will come and try an cover the little gem you found.
Talk dirty if you have to;any thing goes.
After a while another GEM is noticed;they usually sneek-in between thoughts, times when you're catching your breath (lol) or have run out of the shitty-things you have been storing inside-yourself!

After writing for along time, people do notice gaps appearing in their expressions of shit!

Gaps are between thoughts, have you noticed? Everyone will have noticed the GAP between thoughts just as thoughts are of your native language;that which you were brought-up with!

How you [b]feel has to be be expressed[/b] and after many pages
these gems will become noticed, more and more.

You will feel lighter if you go for a walk after a writing session with yourself;its as though you've dumped the rubbish directly into the waste bin.
Notice this, try it out after you have written to yourself and found a laugh, or a new phase, or something funny has come through the gap and cracked you up!

Gems come along with an 'opposing thought'.

The mind trys to balance itself when You ROCK THE BOAT ON ONE SIDE ONLY.

Gems also can creep up on You.
They slip through Cracks un-announced at times. This I found at first!Getting into the shit hell for leather brings them on. After one little gem, it can take another few pages of shit untill another-gem squeezes its way-through.

After your writing has released a Gem,
Cut and paste this into a new File;Name it GEM FILE.
The rest of the crap you can burn outside somewhere,
of if youre doing this exercise in the puter,
DUMP IN THE TRASH
and bury it
for safe
keeping.
love

Phew, GM

That was alot. I think you meant it for LC not moi! But I will take the time to read it all through and digest it.



LC I sincerely hope you are improving,

mylife wrote:Phew, GM

That was alot. I think you meant it for LC not moi! But I will take the time to read it all through and digest it.



LC I sincerely hope you are improving,

ABSOLUTELY correct!
My mistake......
mustve been swayed by your post being close bye!
sowy!

Not really ML, am not even in the slightest looking forward to seeing family and spending some time with them which is hard to accept.

I feel so confused. I don't know what to do about work, life, anything. I've just had a week off, still have 2 1/2 days before I have to go back to work, yet I don't feel rested or refreshed. I'm looking forward to going back to work. Why?? Because it means I won't have so much time to think and dwell on everything. While I was away I realised that it is the counsellor that wants me to have the time off work. It's not what I want to do, somehow she took advantage of the fact that my mind and thoughts are not the clearest and I can't always make sense of them, and somehow she convinced me that giving up work/reducing my hours would be a brilliant idea. WRONG!! Ok yes so how the WINZ case manager worked it with going down the 15 hours a week at work with the benefit topping up I would JUST be able to afford rent and bills, then would be left with $30-$40 a week for food, petrol if needed and power. Hmmm yes well that is possible isn't it?? If I ended up doing this it is just going to put more stress on me. I deal with things differently, in my own way, I would rather pile myself up with work so I have no free time. I'd rather ask for more hours/days than to reduce them (don't worry I won't do that). I am so confused though with what to do, on one hand a bit of a rest would be good, on the other it could also end out more stressful for me.

I am pleased to be back home, I can at least be myself here, I don't need to constantly put on my happy face mask and act around my family like there is nothing wrong.

I'm lost and lonely.

alone is wonderfull if you know how to use your time.

What is it that most excites you?
Most ppl like alittle excitement and then alittle deep relaxation
and so on an on.
It could be youre STUCK LC.

speak to me sometime!