JK - my space.

good luck with the exam today jaffa

sorry jaff got you confused with roz, hope your having a good day,

No problem mylife. You know, as long as nobody's replied to a message you've posted, you are able to delete them by clicking the 'X' next to quote and edit.

I wish Roswell best of luck in his exam too

I'm having a good day. Have decided to be productive. JK.

good for you JK,

A post I just made to my own personal blog. Perhaps an insight into my behaviour here recently.

They say different antidepressants effect different people in different ways. I’ve been on a semi-high dose of fluoxetine for about a month now. At first I thought it was great. Where I used to have feelings of stress and panic – not being able to cope – now i just have feelings of apathy. I am not completely numb – as I often feel frustration, and a couple of nights ago I had some upsetting news which reduced me to tears.

On the whole though – I just feel ‘meh’ about everything. I just don’t seem to care anymore. I dont feel like doing anything. Lately I’ve just been spending days in bed. Yes, I’m glad I no longer feel that I can’t cope, but I’m clearly still depressed. I have no motivation. I have no wants. I have no enjoyment.

And I’m turning cold. It happened last time I was on drugs and its happening again this time. During that last time I broke up from the best relationship I have ever had.

I belong to a forum for people with depression. Recently somebody younger than me has been posting a lot of posts such as “I just swallowed 10 panadol” or “I’m sick of this world – will probably end it all soon” etc. My responses have been cold. ”I wish people would just ask for help, instead of being attention seeking drama queens etc”. Other people on the forum have commented that my comments are unhelpful and out of line. Me, I don’t even feel bad about it. I wonder if I would had I not been on drugs.

I’m lying here wondering why these types of posts annoy me. I think a big part of it is frustration. Me and other regulars on the forum are also coping with depression on an everyday basis. But at least we are mature about it. We try to help ourselves, we ask questions in the right manner. It just annoys me when people swan in and make silly attention seeking threats. Is their current situation somehow a bigger deal than what is an everyday reality for me?

I don’t know why I get so critical of others. I don’t know why I turn so cold and uncaring. Inside I know I am anything but. These drugs obviously aren’t for me doc. I’d rather not cope and be a nice person, than be a cold ice queen with no friends left. And I want to give a damn about things. Is that too much to ask?

Hey Jaffa, me old buddy

When I am really low, I am super critical of others, then I am more than super critical of myself.

While we may not concur with our thoughts here on TBBD of anywhere else for that matter, we are still friends, and always will be now.

We are both part of a wide 'cyber' family - an extention of our own friends and family.

Re the

Me and other regulars on the forum are also coping with depression on an everyday basis. But at least we are mature about it. We try to help ourselves, we ask questions in the right manner. It just annoys me when people swan in and make silly attention seeking threats. Is their current situation somehow a bigger deal than what is an everyday reality for me?

While depression is symptomatically similar for all of us, we all cope differently and we all have different tolerance levels for depression. (well that is what I think anyway). Their current situation may be bigger than Texas to them, but smaller than Waiheke to you if you were to compare them to your situation.

My belief if you (hopefully) don't mind me saying so, is that we are not here to be judged. We are here to be supported.

You are a good person, and you will get through this.

Hi Jaffa,

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry qwerky,

No one is in the wrong here.

I have spent the last 2 days in Wellington, supporting a friend in need. I feel good and proud of myself for having done it - but at the same time I am emotionally exhausted and its good to be back.

One of the perks of my weekend was meeting Roswell from this site - who really is a nice guy and great to talk to.

I think I will spend my Friday resting.

Hey nice to hear from you Poetry, hope you are ok.

Hey Jaffa, nice to see you posting again and sorry you are feeling down.

Sometimes we are so unmotivated, but yes try to take the time to rest up and enjoy if you can..

Thinking of you lots lately and the exam results.

I have good news and bad news. Yesterday I had what was probably the most beneficial counselling session I'd ever had. My father came with me to my counselling session, which is pretty huge. He has never understood the reasons for my depression, and I think this is a huge step forward both for him to help me, for my counsellor to see deeper insight into how i became the way I am, and for me to have a better understanding of the views I need to challenge within myself to move forward.

The bad news is that ACC declined my sensitive claim. It seems this national government are trying to cut costs left right and center from all their government departments and that for some reason (which my counsellor won't fully explain to me because she thinks it will upset me) they believe I am not entitled to counselling! My counsellor says she very strongly disagrees with their reasoning and that she is going to fight on my behalf and "take this as far as [she] has to". Apparently part of their terrible reasoning is that i was already homosexual prior to sexual experiences when I was 7, and that being sexually active at that age has not had an impact on my mental health!

Its unfortunate that just when the people close to me are beginning to understand give me the support i need, I get this bad news about a government that apparently doesn't care. My counsellor has said that until its sorted out, our sessions have to stop (I haven't paid her a cent so far because she was so sure my claim would be approved). But stuff that, these sessions are so valuable and important to me I will pay for them myself somehow if I have to. I now have to explore getting a disability allowance.

Sigh. and Yay.
JK.

&

hear hear daze,

So I got a call from mum tonight. She’s getting married. To some guy she’s known less than two months. Oh joy. My mum suffers from bipolar disorder, so when she is low, she’s very low but when she is high, she’s compulsive and nothing stops her. In the past she has gone out on shopping sprees, and come home only to regret everything a couple of days later, realising she can’t afford any of it.

I hope that now is not one of those moments. When she rings its nice to hear her happy, cos more often than not she isn’t, but its impossible to share any concerns with her cos all she wants to hear are the positives. She doesn’t wanna hear ‘Isn’t it too soon?” or “Have you thought this through?”. No, I was told I worry too much. Well thats fine, but its often me you come to after making these silly mistakes, and is it really appropriate for me to say “I told you so” when you are bawling your eyes out?

So yeah, I had a mum that left me when I was young, and is often mentally unstable. An emotionless dad that remarried someone that cared a bunch for her own kids and nothing for me. Is it any wonder I’m so fucking messed up?

Now I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed