Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

Landlord said yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im so exited!!!!

So.. now a name??

Nope, me and bf are quite lucky because we work such different hours, puppy will be alone 4hrs max a day. We have a nice courtyard out the back too thats very sheltered and soon to be fully fenced so he can hang out there in the summer when he gets a bit older.

I shall show you all some more pics when we get him this wkend, and Im very lucky cos our own folly foal has offered to help me out and lend me a few things

Along with getting this puppy a few other decisions have been made which is a huge relief on me.

I've decided not to move to Whangarei. Just too much on me and I don't think I could cope atm. I can always move next year if I want to, when I don't have so much going on with my diploma, and then I would have stayed in a house for over a year (first time ever!) and things with my family will hopefully be sorted.

Also I've decided to give up Phyllis. I'm just not enjoying riding her as much, shes costing me more than I can really afford and the grazing circumstances have changed and theres only a percentage of the riding area we had before, meaning no beach or forest. Also I'll be spending all my time with new puppy!

Things are going really good now. I've sorted out work and Phyllis, and puppy is just the sweetest little thing! Atm I'm just waiting for Phyllis to sell which will make life easier, but daylight savings sure helps.

Work, well I told my boss Im not moving to Whangarei which is a huge weight off my back, but looks like Im stuck in the same place for a few more months. But I have a job atm thats pretty straight forward and I don't mind doing it.

Puppy is fantastic! Took him to the park for a play last night, its just round the corner from my house, like a 1min walk. He loved it so much. Him and Bella love each other, she hangs out in front of the bathroom door (where he sleeps at night till hes toilet trained) waiting for him to come play. We've called him Baxter, which suits him so well.

Yay for Haley!!

good to hear a weight has been lifted, well done for telling your boss that you are not going to move.

And aren't puppies great - just remember they grow into bigger puppies!

Thanks mylife

Yep he is, and we're lucky that bf's mum has a dog from the same parents so we got a wee look at how big and how he will look when hes older.. and Vascoe (his mums dog) is gorgeous!

I currently have that down, depressed, 'nobody likes me or cares about me' dread feeling and I don't know why. It really bugs me. I feel like breaking down crying. I hate feeling like shit, esp when I don't know whats behind it

oh haley

be assured that we all care about you. it is horrid that feeling though and i can cetainly relate to it.

it bugs me when i get it too...

keep your chin up ok?

Thanks mylife for that.. it really helps its kinda odd, the feeling went away when I was almost home, and when I got home bf was there. He had only arrived just before I got there. Turns out he had been drinking. So maybe it was a gut feeling thing?

Things have been up and down lately. Just stressing about up coming courses and assignments due, and work has been busy so I feel guilty about taking my study leave. Family stuff is up and down too, its difficult for all of us I think. We did meet my brothers gf in the weekend though and she is so so lovely. Its funny to see my bro act so much more mature hehe. Works ok, I find if someone gives me a job to do and I know what Im doing I find it ok to just get on with it, but the day still drags on. Really don't have enough time for phyllis at the moment, in fact I don't really have enough time for anything at the moment except study and keeping things going at home. Its frustrating but its also life I suppose. Only 7 more weeks and exams and courses will be over for the year and I can relax again and be ME.

Bella has been super cuddly since we got Baxter, I think she seems happier too - playing a lot more and being a bit more 'cheerful'. No matter how much I love Baxter, Bella is still the one that gives the best cuddles when I feel like crap. We've been taking extra care to make sure she isn't feeling left out, and shes got her own space in our room that Baxter can't get to.

Went to a baby shower in the weekend, it was one of my good mates from college. Was cool to see a whole heap of people from up there that I had gone to school with, but noticed that only me and one other chick didnt have a kiddie lol. Made me very clucky, but no kids for me yet thanks!

I'm not seeing bf much atm either. Hes taking on lots of extra hours to pay for Baxter related costs. So I think we're both pretty stressed and tired at the moment. He doesn't usually get home till late when I'm asleep and the only real time we spend together is saturday nights. Its frustrating that he never has money on his ph either so I don't even get a txt during the day. The only time we get to catch up on whats going on during the week is on msn for about 30mins from when he gets home to when I leave work. I would love for us to take a holiday, but again its money that we don't have. Might look at perhaps going camping for a couple of days over summer.

So all in all that depression looks like it might still be hinting at a real comeback but atm I'm fighting to keep it away.

However right this second I feel like going home, setting up the bed in the lounge, cuddling up with Bella, Baxter and bf, and eating a whole heap of chocolate and popcorn and having a glass of wine lol. I've got a couple of movies at home I've been meaning to watch but every time I watch tv or read a magazine or a book its time I should be studying.. grrr

yes but there needs to be relaxation time too

Thats where I lack.. maybe I should start scheduling in some 'Haley' time for just me, to do whatever I want, without bf, study, work, animals etc... in fact I might just do that!

Just said goodbye to Phyllis and rung her owner and said I can't ride no more. I'm bloody gunna miss that horse, she was so fantastic for so long but that fall really got to me I wasn't enjoying it at all. I think Im just going to take a break from riding for a bit, I always have my families horses to ride, but Im sure gunna miss it. I have Bella and Baxter giving me lots of cuddles cos Im actually bawling my eyes out. I know its for the best and everything but it still hurts. Lets just hope the positives outweigh the negatives in the long run. But then again whats the point of doing something thats taking up money you dont have, time you dont have and your not really enjoying right?

Man I feel crappy today... I dunno why but I just feel like shit, really down. Its so gay. Sorta why do I bother, I have no friends, no one cares type crap.

Its frustrating cos I know its nonsense but the feelings are still there

Hey there Hayley, you have people who care on here. Feelings are hard to deal with and sometimes seem impossible to change. Hope you are feeling a bit better tomorrow. Take care.

Thanks bb, I think Im just stressed out with exams and assignments and stuff. Im not good with stress at all. In just over a month it will all be over and I can be me again, but until then I may be hanging out in here quite a lot more.