Haleys Journal.. A whole lot of random thoughts and outbursts

awww... you'll be ok,

I have been there done that , and get pretty bloody sick of it myself..such self doubt is very soul destroying, and it stops you from being you.

please believe me when I say your friends (or at least some of them) will care what happens - if they don't then they were not friends to begin with.

Just remember that,

I haven't been around much lately, I lurk sometimes, but I haven't really felt the need to add anything.

Today has just been such an effort though, and its only 9am. I'm so sick of my job, I dread mondays and mornings that I have to go to work and I count down the hours till I can leave. I can't wait until the weekend, its the only thing that gets me through. Some of you might just say leave, but I can't do that. I'm almost through the diploma they are paying for, and Im bonded for 2yrs after that and if I leave I have to pay it all back. I'm determined to finish this diploma, as I have had comments that I cant do it. I've tried to get transfered to another section but there is no work around. I'm sick of travelling 2hrs a day to and from work. I hate that I feel so useless and I have no motivation to get stuff done here. I would rather just sit and do data entry than draw things. I act like I really enjoy it, I make that I really want draughting jobs and people think Im really enthusiastic about my job, but on the inside Im just waiting for that day to end so I can go home.

I feel like Im so busy at the moment, I have to schedule in time to relax. I always have something that needs to be done, like cleaning, or cooking, or assignments, or going to visit someone. I can't relax properly until everything that needs to be done is done. I've told bf this and he helps a little bit but not as much as he could or should. I'm sick of nagging him about doing stuff and I've told him that. He knows how much I hate my job and how overwhelmed I am at the moment with everything.

I'm not even really enjoying my riding as much as I should anymore. The owners of the forest behind the farm have locked all the gates so we can't ride in there anymore, which I think is stupid because no one else uses it and we don't do any damage. So my rides are getting repeditive and boring. I do still love it and it puts me in a good mood, but still.

I feel like I need a holiday away from stuff. Unfortunatly bf is working all over summer and doesn't want to take holidays cos he wants and needs the money. We also don't have any money to go away, even for a mega cheap holiday.

I just feel like Im on the go all the time, there is always something and Im sick of it.

Just having a vent.. feel free to ignore..

GRRRR a couple of yrs ago I swapped my bed with a mate cos my bed (a king or super king, it was massive) was too big for the flat I was moving into. This was all well and good, and a year later I swapped the double I had with her for a queen she also had. So now she has my king and I have her queen. I just txt her to ask if we could swap back again cos Id like the king and SHE SOLD IT!!! Im so furious, apparently the mattress was f***ed so they sold the whole bed on trademe for $50 and brought a new one. If I had known I would have taken the base back and just got a new mattress!!! GRRRRRRR.. Im just so so mad, I think thats so inconsiderate, we had agreed to swap back if I had ever wanted to and I want to and its gone. She said I can sell that one if I want, well thanks for your blessing, fuck thats so kind of you. I don't get super angry often but I am seriously fuming

I have good news for once I'm finally down to a size 12, something I haven't been for a couple of yrs. Im also losing cms which is nice, and I never grow tired of people telling me how good I look and how much weight I've lost - despite the scales not saying so much.

Some how, I don't know how, but Im having no depression problems lately either. Its rather nice to tell you the truth. I feel control of things at the moment. Its just work thats horrible, but Im doing 4day weeks, and that one day in the middle of the week that I take off is a life saver. But apparently its time for me to rotate to another area, so hopefully I'll do something I actually enjoy.

Sending many hugs to those who need them, since I have so many to give at the moment

Oh and I came off Phyllis again yesterday, the tart bucked me off as I was cantering up the hill, I leaned forward for one second and she tossed me!! So today I have a very sore hip/leg/back, and sore shoulder!

Hey Haley! Long time no talk That's really rude about the bed thing, I would be pretty angry too. You dont just sell something someone lent you!

That's good to hear you're feeling quite good at the moment, make sure you enjoy it!

Has Phyllis not been sold yet? It is good you are still able to ride her.

Hopefully we can catch up on msn sometime soon.

Folly.

Hey folly foal! Yea I was pissed, but we went out this weekend and brought ourselves a nice big king size bed, with the most gorgeous black wood frame. Also got a big 40" LCD tv which is super awesome, and we get a free 22" one too Spent a bit of money, but we got them from harvey norman so have 4 yrs interest free

Nope, Phyllis is staying with me till the end of next year when I have the choice to buy her or help sell her. It means that Im paying for all her expenses but I'm not so fussed cos its not too much, and its not as bad and buying a horse.

Back at work again and yet again hating it. But I have a meeting with my mentor this week to discuss rotating so that will be good. Not too sure how it will go though, I just have a feeling I don't want to stay in this industry. I enjoy studying engineering, just not doing the work that I'm doing. I love doing calculations and good ol' maths, so maybe I can look into that when I'm finished. Might try and get into the geotech side of things, as rock formations etc interest me, or could do some surveying to get me out and about. Maybe its just about me finding the section that caters for what I enjoy.

Have been talking to the bf about 'the future', especially after spending so much time together. Things with us have been so great for the last few months, mainly after we got our own place. He's giving up smoking too cos he had swine flu last week (I amazingly managed to avoid it, even though I was thinking I wouldn't mind catching it just for a week off work - thats how bad work is!) and he has asthma and he could barely get out of bed without having a coughing fit or running out of breath. I was really worried about him. Anyways I've been preparing myself for some arguing and its been ok so far, if he gets snappy I just ignore it and it takes him about 1 min to calm down lol. Im just being supportive because he knows I hate his smoking and it must be hard for him, and I know he appriciates it. We're planning on moving overseas in a couple of years, and doing some travel which we're both looking forward to. Its nice to make plans like that with him, because things were so rough and unsteady for the 1st year together, and I love that we have sorted all that kinda stuff out.

I can see myself heading towards that depression line again.. I'm not there yet but I can see that I will get there soon if I don't try change somethings. I feel like I have so much on at the moment, and I don't cope well with a too much stuff and too much stress.

To try and cope I've written down a list of everything I need to do and prioritiesd it, and I felt slightly better after doing that. I have courses coming up again for my diploma and I'm determined to get at least one B this semester - already Im averaging 98% and 93% in 2 of my courses which Im over the moon about. Just gotta keep up that study.

I've been offered a job in our Whangarei office. After saying I don't mind moving to somewhere new, I want to tell my boss I don't want to move up there. After talking to dp and my parents I think staying in the same area is a good thing. Hopefully I will still be able to move out of the draughting team into another team doing something different. I've expressed my interest in getting into geotech work but who knows - as long as Im away from draughting. As soon as I think of moving I feel a dread. We have finally found a great little house of our own, I finally have a place that feels like home and I don't want to pack up and leave. I don't cope well with moving, and I'm afraid that it would push me over the edge.

I want to move eventually but not quite yet. I think I might tell my boss that I want to stay in the auckland area and look at moving in about a years time, which gives me at least a year in a settled place. Then I can concetrate on my courses since I'm flat out on them this semester, I can still have Phyllis, the beach, my friends and family, and a lovely summer in a nice house. Next year I can move and do something big and scary.

I'm also having slight problems with Phyllis atm too. Since I came off her I've been quite nervous riding, esp cos shes full of feed and spring grass now. Feed is being cut back, but I still have a month or so of her threatening to buck. Falling off has really knocked my confidence. I'm much better riding on my own, but the other lady I was riding with when Phil tossed me often comes riding and her horse is the one that kinda got Phil going, as hers is a nutter and bucks and carries on. I've told her that I'm really nervous and shes really good but it makes me feel like a bit of an idiot. I mean I've done so much and jumping huge heights, riding crazy horses and top racehorses was nothing to me and now I'm scared of my horse putting in a tiny buck. I know I'll get my mojo back and it will just take time, but still - its something I could escape to do and now its kinda scary. I used to gallop her around the farm and now I keep a tight grip on her and barely let her canter. I try to pretend Im confident because when I tense up she tenses up, but sometimes I can't help it.

On the good side I'm losing weight My measurements have gone down and I've lost 6cms from my waist, 2.5cms from my hips, 5.5cms from my arms and 5cms from my bust which I'm so stoked about

I understand the loss of confidance whith rideing. I know I dont have the confidance I use to in a lot of areas. It is something Ihope to be working on in the new year.

Glad your studies are going well.

Hey Rossy, good to see you, how you been?

I'm starting to feel that stress and I don't like it. Got an email from the manager in Whangarei wanting to know my decision, then my manager came to speak to me about it as well. I just don't know what to do....

And just then went and had a cry in the toilets. God Im pathetic. Any bit of stress or pressure and I just can't handle it. Wtf am I ment to say to my boss "I don't want to move because Im mentally unstable and Im afraid I'l want to kill myself again" "I don't want to move because my bf doesn't want to" Oh yes, even though I ASKED to be moved somewhere else and didn't mind where but OBVIOUSLY didn't think about it too much. Despite the fact I ASKED my bf if he wanted to move somewhere new and he said yes, and then tells me anywhere EXCEPT Whangarei AFTER I get offered the place there.

I really don't know what to do.. and right now I just need a big hug

Thanks daze, I think thats what I might do. I'm just feeling like crap this morning and a convasation last night with my bf has just got me feeling the worse I have in a very long time. I cried myself to sleep last night and I've been on the verge of tears all morning. I don't know how we got onto it but we were talking about weight and how much we had put on in so many years. I thought I wasn't looking too bad being a size 12 and all and he said how I 'didn't have my belly' when we first me. He said it as nicely as could be but it just really got to me. Of course I got upset, he got shitty, told me Im too obsessed with my body and my food, and if I really don't like it why don't I go do some exercise. It just really hit a nerve and reminded me of stuff my ex used to say to me. I had thoughts last night that I haven't had for a long time - suicide, no one wants me, everyone is better off without me, Im fat, ugly and useless.. just the usual. I think with everything going on the big black dog is back.

Its like all of a sudden I've realised that I have a lot of stuff going on. My parents are fighting and stress out due to having to sell the house because they just can't afford it anymore, and theres points in the past year that divorce has been mentioned. I hate my job, and I've taken on so much with my diploma and Im stressed about that. This whole moving to Whangarei thing is getting to me, and then theirs my weight which I have always been and probably always will be obsessed with, and atm Im nervous riding Phyllis, who used to be my way to relax and have 'me' time. I just have to try and deal with everything indervidually and logically.

Family - theres nothing I can really do, I suppose I'll just have to deal with it and try and be there for everyone. Being the eldest of 4 kids I feel like I should be the one looking out.

Job - Just put up with it, turn down the Whangarei offer cos I don't think a big move would be good for me atm. See if I can be transfered to an area here in Auckland that I might enjoy

Weight - Exercise, eat better, get rid of all crap food from the house. Eat healthy, lots of veges, fruit, meat, cut down on dairy, fat, carbs. Go running now that the weather is better, maybe take my running gear to work so I can run after work instead of getting home and not feeling like it.

Diploma - Study lots, use my day off to actually study and not run errands/clean the house/visit people I feel I should visit. Write down what needs to be done and when assignments etc are due.

Phyllis - Try ride her at least 3 times a week to try and get some energy out of her, keep riding her in places I feel ok to ride (driveway, arena, not out on the farm). Towards the end of spring she will calm down and be fine again.

Well.. I actually feel better now that I've made a bit of a list. Still feeling down and if worse comes to worse I can always go back on the anti-ds

I might be getting a puppy! I'm so exited, hes a little shih tzu and just adorable. My bfs mums good family friend breeds them and wants to give us one. Just waiting for our landlord to say yes or no. It will be even harder if she says no now that I've seen pics of him.

This is puppy

yay! s\/he looks so cute, how will your cat get on with it?

Bella will be fine, she used to have 2 dogs as flatmates and they were big dogs. Apparently hes really good with cats too.

I am super exited! Gunna ring the landlord tonight and beg her to let us have him