A ramble through Judy's mind.

Today has been so good, this morning my son phoned from London and I got an update on how my clever little grandson is doing. He is ofcourse meeting all his milestones on time and has the cutest chuckle. Then I went to pick up the 3 year old TV I purchased through TM for a very reasonable price. The vendors are downsizing their home and have bought themselves a flash new skinny type TV, they were lovely people and made me feel so welcome amidst their packaged up goods and the removal people shuffling around loading the big truck up for the journey to their new life. I shared a cup of coffee with them and left with the TV cabinet and a lovely fresh organic cabbage from their garden. It is such a pleasure to meet nice people and I so hope they enjoy their new life as they have lived in their current home for 38 years so it really is a huge change for them. Anyway I am home now and munching on a potatoe fritter and having a coffee, later I will have some fresh bread from the bakery with salmon and tomato on for a late afternoon snack and chicken soup even later for dinner. So that is me today. Hope anyone reading this is having lots of sunshine in their life, but if there are dark clouds just hang on to the thought that the sun will eventually break through.

Today has also been good so far. Last night I snuggled onto the couch in front of the TV with my usual candles and nice smelling incense and I ended up sleeping there. The clothes I had on were comfy and I was warm so had a great nights sleep despite the TV chattering away the whole time. Today I have done a pile of dishes, did a bit of cleaning and ofcourse fed the animals. No matter how bad I feel that I one thing I NEVER neglect. They are my responsibility, can't fend for themselves and are my tenuous grasp on sanity. I also love each and every one of them to bit. I may pop in on chat a little later but just now I"m happy just 'being' in my own space. Hope anyone reading this is having a sunny day.

Frustration. I have finally figured out that I did change my email address on Facebook BUT I forgot my password. Have asked for a new one, they sent a message to say a new one would be emailed. BUT the email hasn't arrived. I wouldn't have thought it would take this long. Apart from that the day is good. Last night I had a very small fire in the middle of the lounge floor. I didn't drop any matches so all I can think of is that while lighting a candle a spark flew and caught on Kovu's blanket. It was put out in a flash but it did remind me just how easily fires start. Note to self. Be VERY careful with matches. Today I have fed the animals and had a little sing along with Iris my clever, singing pig. She is so much more tuneful than me. Milkshake is looking far, far too skinny while Caramel is very fat. She is still feeding off Milkshake even though she is now 18 months old. Daisy has a sore foot so I will have to have a look at it. She won't like it one bit, as to have a good look I will have to tether her which she isn't used to. Not a lot on TV today, which reminds me I still have a large TV in my car. I have to somehow organise getting it out. My brain doesn't want to deal with real life people just now. It is lovely having online friends though.

At the moment I am super sensitive. I just want to 'be'. Not think, not do or feel anything that anyone else expects from me. I don't want to confront what is right or wrong with me just now. I am sifting through my thoughts in my own way and in my own time. I am lucky enough to have people who care and worry when I don't answer the phone and refuse yummy meals out which I usually love but just now I want total ME time. I am the most important person in my life just now apart from my kids. I don't want to be put in any position that isn't comfortable for me and that includes answering questions that I'm not ready to answer or sharing anything that I am not ready to share. This is a great site and it is so good to just log off when it get toooooo much. Thanks guys for being here and respecting my right to be a bloody cow now and again. I don't want to offend or upset but then I also don't want to take on anything I don't want to take on.

Here is another day. One of mixed feelings but I am still determined to be 'me' on here. Be as supportive as I can while still nurturing and looking after 'me'. I am here as a fellow sufferer. I can NOT solve the problems of the world and nor should I even try. I hope in my small way to bring something positive to the lives of some others but have to accept that not everyone welcomes that and that some people actively don't like me or my way. That is fact and should not hurt as it is the same for us all. 'One size does NOT fit all' when it comes to human beings. I intend to keep talking from my heart and not saying what I feel 'should' be said and my hope is that what I say is taken in the spirit in which it is offered. There is to much sadness and suffering in the world. I don't want to contribute to it if I can help it. All of us here are special people to have found our way to Paddys Haven and we need to be there for each other. Any comments on my 'rambles' are very welcome.

Thanks for the kind words Beth.

Today I feel OK within myself but otherwise not a good day at all. My chest is bad, my breathing difficult, and so very very tired. The floors so badly need a vacuum but today I just am not up to it. I am not a particularly good housekeeper but I do like things fairly tidy and there is a line over which I find it gets uncomfortable. The house has reached that line and I know even if I just get the vacuum out it will make me feel a whole lot better. Darn dog hairs. That is one thing about pigs, they don't shed hair, they don't jump up and are so eady to please with a tickle on the tummy and a bit of a singalong. Yay for pigs. Tomorrow I have a docs appointment so I'm hoping I feel up to driving. Big Bertha is a big old Landcruiser and not easy to drive but I don't want to swap her as she is special and been in the family for a very long time. I wish my hair would stop coming out, it is thin and patchy now. I have nearly always worn it long and when I go out it still looks OK but it won't be long before it isn't any more. It is comfy on my couch, the big new TV is still in the car as I can't get it out and I haven't wanted to ask anyone partly because I don't really want to face anyone just now and partly because I hate asking for help. It will happen in time, everything does. I have many blessings which I am thankful for each day, this site is one of them.

Today is another day. I feel peace inside but weird in that until a few minutes ago I couldn't move. It is a gentle kind of feeling, breathing quite shallow, only a little pain but all the 'shoulds' disappear as I know I 'can't'. I still feel pleasure when I hear the gentle grunting of a little pig coming in to say hello and have a break from being a pig outside grazing on grass to pretending to be a dog and having a nap in the house. She is a pig who enjoys fresh air so she tends to plonk herself down by the open french doors by my bedroom. I have a slight fever, sweating but kind of cold too. Dry eyes are fairly easily dealt with as I have drops but no such thing exists to replace saliva and my mouth is so dry, throat sore, talking difficult. My sense of taste is very dull and my mouth opens only a little. Eating used to be one of my main hobbies. I always dreamed of travelling the world eating the authentic dishes from each country. I do NOT mean McDonalds in 67 different languages. Yum Char has always been a favourite of mine but now I can't open my mouth enough to get food in with chopsticks and I totally refuse to tackle it with a knife and fork. I feel strange writing this as I have never verbalised any of this before, usually just say I'm fine or sometimes 'not the best today' and leave it at that. This site has opened me up so much. I don't care if no body reads this or everybody does, it is so liberating just admitting it all. Thanks guys just for being here and being a part of my journey.