A ramble through Judy's mind.

Feeling a little better today. Got up early and had a shower which felt good. That is more than I've had the energy to do for the past few days. I have changed my doctors appointment again as I still don't feel up to driving. To be honest I would much rather be physically sick than emotionally. At least with the physical there are 'reasons' and 'remedies' but that isn't the case when the darkness descends. On the other hand I don't suffer a lot of pain and I am fully mobile most of the time. Maybe I would feel differently if that wasn't the case. I haven't been on here too much as I often don't really have a lot to say. I'm always available to listen though if anyone wants to talk. Just send me PM and I'll jump onto chat if I'm around. I am usually around. On the couch at present but am feeling quite worn out from the shower so may just snuggle down and have a nap. Take care anyone out there reading this and try to keep happy.

Good for you bluebird1, sometimes it is the small things like a nice shower and rest that help you through your day.,

Take care of you, first and foremost - but you know that ay?

I'll catch up with you on chat later today or tonight and see how you are faring.

Not much to say today except that there has been a lot of darkness in my hear the past couple of days. I have had a very bad case of the 'shoulds' and see only the negative about my home. Just the inside. I still feel uplifted when I look outside and see the paddocks and my darling four legged family out there. I know the darkness will pass and my home will look like a 'work in progress' again filled with my bits and pieces that I have collected over the years here and not a pit that needs so much TLC that it is not getting. I haven't felt very chatty so haven't contributed much but I have been reading everyones posts and feel very close in a way to all of you. Every single poster here has something to say that resonates with something I have been feeling. A lot of it is despair but also the words of hope that each one of us expresses at some stage. Thanks for letting me share in this forum and for being here for me and for each other.

Well it has been ages since I rambled in my mind. A lot has happened. I have changed depression meds and am not yet sure if they will do the trick or not though I must say I felt like sh-t when i woke this morning. Haven't been so bad in the morning for a long time, huddled up in foetal position with a total feeling of sheer dread. It passed pretty fast after I got up and made a coffee. My physical health has been going downhill fast and today I thought I may tell my daughter but then someone said something that made me thing my daughter may feel I was letting her down by being unwell. Love for family is meant to be unconditional but some seem to think that is is about 'them' only and everyone has to be happy, healthy and suppportive all the time or they may be seen as a thread to the security of the other person. Anyway while I was pondering what to do Alice wanted advice on doing a CV so she initiated the contact. I told her a little of what was going on and apolgised for moaning and spoiling her day and letting her down, something I would never have thought to do before. She said I wasn't moaning and that she didn't feel let down by my failing health or any thing else about me, she also pointed out that i always listened to her about whatever she wanted to moan about. I pointed out to her that I had signed up for my role as parent but she didn't sign on as a shoulder for her dizzy mother to cry on. Anyway we both said how much we loved each other at the end of the conversation and I ended up feeling so thankful that at least my daughter doesn't judge me by how convenient my health is to her but loves me regardless of anything. Sooo, now I feel reassured and i'm pretty sure my sons will have pretty much the same reaction. I won't share with my dad as he is 87 and although he still plays golf and swims and is very active I don't think he needs the stress of knowing his only child is in worse shape than he is. To be honest I am a bit scared but I'm determined to stick to my guns and stay in my beloved home with my beloved animals. Life wouldn't be worth nearly as much without a little pig and her good morning grunts and cuddles. Will ramble again soon as there is so much I have left out that I want to write down. Thanks for reading this whoever has taken the time.

Time for another ramble. Well the meds I started a few weeks ago have been working so well. I haven't felt in the least bit down for weeks now. The only thing that seems worse is my agoraphobia. The only time I leave the house is for docs appointments and I keeps changing them. I feel a bit bad about that as my new doc is so kind and has been so very good to me. Unfortunately she is only with the practise till Christmas but I have been lucky to have her. I am meant to be going to see her weekly but it stretches out to two or three weeks by the time I actually get it together to get myself down there and then ofcourse my car won't start as the batteries have gone flat yet again from not being used. My local garage is great with coming up with the jumper leads to grt me going. I can't get over how obliging people are and willing to help. I've always been so independent before so it is a very strange feeling to be so helpless. Anyhow, the past few weeks I have been in a pleasant cosy, comfortable, secure bubble. Nothing much has worried me but then I have pretty much shut myself off from anything that requires thought or any kind of action apart from things to do with my family, both two footed and four and my home. I have felt priviledged to be able to support a couple of people on here but even then I have withdrawn from supporting more than a few people and, even though one person in particular is so very needy, I just don't feel I have the energy just now to listen or offer support. I feel guilty in a way that I feel such a lack of sympathy or empathy for this person but for now I am thinking about what is good for me and I know withdrawing is what I need to do. Life on the whole feels good in a way though today I woke up feeling cheerful and that is scary. I like feeling comfortable and secure but any ups or downs are just too much to cope with at this moment. Cheerful is up and what goes up must come down. Just now I like the even, contented security I have felt lately, it has suited me just fine for now. Baby steps in rejoining the world is what I feel is needed for me. Once again thanks to anyone reading this, it is nice to share even in this fairly impersonal way.

Morning Bluebird, I am sooo pleased for you hun. Cheerful is good, very very good, so I hope you get to stay with it for some time.
I think you are doing the right thing for you. Sometimes we just need to give our energy to ourselves and please dont feel guilty that you are unable to support everyone, all of the time. There are many people here, able to offer support at times, so when we need a break, time for ourselves, its more than ok hun, to say I need to give myself some space and time. Take care my sweet.