another day...

I hang up the phone. I notice my hands are shaking. I can feel the heaviness in my chest and i know that i have to do something. fast. I'll have a shower. it's a place no-one else can see me, no one else can stare, no one else can ask if im ok. i can be alone. it will give me something to do, a distraction, a change. so what if i have already showered twice today?
i flick on the radio. it isn't loud enough. i can still hear myself think. i need to drown out my own thoughts. louder. louder. louder. i start the water running. it's on its highest possible pressure,, it almost hurts. it isn't hot enough. i still feel comfortable. i need to feel pain. hotter. hotter. hotter. i turn my face to the nozzle. i can't see or hear anything now. i feel safe. better. the problem is that the thing i am running away from is myself, and i can't get away from that, even here. i keep my jaw clamped shut. i will not let the tears fall. they will not fall. they will not fall. i will not fail.
i should never have let my guard down. i will always be on the brink of this blubbery mess. i have failed at happiness, along with everything else.

hmm

We all feel like failures at least once in our life. I do not think you have failed at all - you are just less happy than what you have been in the past.

You are correct you cannot runaway from yourself, but what needs to be rediscovered is the once happy you. There is no shame in crying and that in itself is not a failure - what it is a cry from your body that it needs some help.

The Key to this is what will help you rediscover this happiness.

Has something changed in your life to make you feel this way now? Can you cut down your stresses - or can you see your doctor - have you seen your doctor? Talk to the medical professionals they are on your side

That step is difficult, I know, but once was done, a passage of relief worked through my mind - yay! help