forgive me but i am pissed off as hell and had a guts full

fed up,

you have the right to be as angry, hurt and seriously pissed off as you wish to be. you also have the right to protect yourself and your family in what ever way you see fit. If that means walking away, changing the phone numbers and trying to pretend you no longer have a mother - then so be it. of course you will feel the flipside of this, guilt etc etc. HOWEVER - this is NOT your fault, you didn't ask for it, you neither want nor need it. You have done your best, again and again and again...i'm amazed with how much you have had to deal with! Of course you love your mother - it's normal. but i think it's time for you to love YOU! You have a partner and 2 kids who obviously love and adore you. Be strong for yourself and them, and do what's best for YOU......i doubt your mother will ever change, so it's going to be up to you (as usual). Hugs

shadowsmum, do you post on the tm mb?

if you are the person im thinking of, i would doubt you would be so kind if you knew who i was*sighs*
im not going to say who i am either but thanks for your kind words

hey fedup.... I know shadowsmum would have meant it here..

message deleted

no matter about our parents,
but we gotta make it without them.

Blame holds us back. Getting ourselves healed should become our number 1 priority.
Being healed, we can relate to our parents WHOLE without falling into the traps they maybe laying out for you;being healed you can SEE what is going-on!

As soon as we put our parents behind us the better.
Within us we have them also as phantoms sure, reinforcing themselves but in therapy we can
get in there also, and dissapate the bad-stuff and sup with their Love.
Parents do love their children and mean the best,
but because of the stresses of life and their living standards,
they are pushed out of the way and say the things that appear the opposite of Love.

When they dont get the chance to say sorry on their death-beds
they die a miserable death, nothing at all what it can be like
when you have a healed heart!

i am the ONE and ONLY shadowsmum..........have a sneaky feeling i know who u r fedup...and my message still stands.u deserve MORE. you have twisted yourself into a pretzel over the years, and your STILL beating yourself up over something you have no control over...well you do actually. you can either allow your mother to continue poisoning everything around you...or you can say enuff's enuff. Get any and ALL help you need to make YOU feel better about YOU. to hell with what other people think......you need to make yourself whole for you partner and kids and more importantly for YOU. you can't heal yourself and be the person you know you can be while your dragging a lifetime of guilt, regret and everything else that goes along with it. hugs

hello everyone.

ive had a pretty good week (the last 7 days or so), mum has been sober, she has returned to work, shes come to visit alot also.

however yday i called into her place to ask her something and she had been drinking, she had only finished work maybe 2 hours or less, and already drunk. she was ok at 1st but then decided to turn nasty towards my partner who was in the car feeding our daughter. mum was standing outside her door therefor partner could hear every word. i couldnt help myself i bit back, told her exactly what i thought of her, fuckin drunken mess of a woman (and the rest).

what i dont get is my partner has never had any runs ins with her, has always been polite to her and has never done anything to me or my kids, in fact she not long ago said i was very happy since meeting him and that hes a wonderful father.

over 24 hours have past and i called her to let her know that some $$ she was waiting for had been paid into my account and when did she want it (as in come get it), while i had her on the phone i asked her NICELY what ydays fiasco was about, she said she didnt have to justify herself to me and owes NO apology and tried to blame my partner, can you believe it? she recons HE owes her an apology or two, the bloody nerve of her.

as per usual, she said she didnt want to talk about IT right now (whats new) and hung up on me so i called her back, i explained to her calmly that if she wants to come get her $$ she needs to apologise to my partner at the same time, guess what..? she didnt say a word but hung up on me AGAIN lol.

i wish i could just up and move and tell her to bugger off. partner doesnt want an apology as he puts it down to the booze, so what, she still should face what she does/says while drunk right?

Fedup,

I am an alcoholic, in recovery. I am mother of a teen daughter. I can only offer what i know will be hard to accept and that is an apology. Not for any wrong that I have inflicted upon you, I dont know you personally but I am sorry that you are affected by alcoholism I am sorry that your mother is not the person you need and want her to be. I am as sorry for you as I am for my own daughter and the people who loved me while I was in active addiction.

As Daze has said ALANON is a great place for you to seek some understanding and acceptance of the situation. Acceptance is the best you can expect because you can not change your Mother. She can only change herself.

You can change your expectations of her and you can change your interactions with her, but that is not easy and help such as Alanon will help to give you some insight into her disease and into yourself.

Your greatest obligation here is to remain safe for yourself and your child/ren. Emotional distance is necessary from your Mother, you can love from a distance without being caught up in her games and manipulations.

Its not easy I know.

Hi fedup and others.

Ive entered this thread many times and never known the right words to say. So much of what has been said I can relate to and it saddens me. I too have been that kid waiting in the car at the pub. I learnt to drive because dad was too drunk to drive home. I missed alot of school due to "family emergencies." I got to know at an early age what "drunk and disorderly" meant, CYFS, CADS, AA, DIC etc. I saw a grown man break down in tears and apologise many many times. Broken promises and a broken family. I know the sadness, pain, anger, resentment that you feel and unfortunately for me I went on to create my own kind of suffering for my own loved ones.

There comes a time in life when you can no longer serve two masters. (I may have got that from the bible or AA I cant remember which) I probably have the meaning wrong too but my simplified interpretation is that you can not bust your ass trying to do things right for 2 different things or people. Its too hard! Others have given some really good advice here and I do hope you manage to put that much needed distance between you and your mother and concentrate on whats MOST important and thats you and your family! I do hope your Mother seeks help in the appropriate way and the help is readily available and shes open to receive it.

i need some advice, every time im pissed off with my mum or upset over something, my partner seems to down play what im feeling.

when i call her a bitch, he says i shouldnt, when ive had a go at her, he says i shouldnt do that. i told him today that she is not welcome here and he recons hed be more flexible, when i said i dont want her calling here, he says i cant do that, when i said to him that she isnt to come in the flat if im out, he says he cannot enforce that..

why is that no matter how i feel or what i say, he cant just say OK.

he has a hugely different r/ship with his mother and has a very diff view on how people should treat their mothers, even tough he knows ive had a lifetime of being shat on and used and abused, he still thinks i owe her respect and should just allow her to pretty much get away with whatever, THIS in itself makes me even angrier.

why the hell am i not entitled to feel the way i do about my mother?

you are entitled to own your feelings....sure.
But Others dont have to have to support you
if they dont want to.
By all means,
face upto Mother but dont expect your hubby to join in.
Thats dangerous,
that may make you do something you will regret for the rest of your life.
Karmically, you are bound to your Mother.
You need to investigate ways in breaking that bondage.
Maybe your hubby knows something about this?

Ask Him why He dosnt wanna hate someone you hate!
Im sure he would be supportive to you
in other areas of your life.

Hi fedup.

Your partner sounds like he has a strong set of morals and always sees the good in everybody! Glass half full kind of guy! Which is very admirable but at the same time frustrating as hell when you are trying to vent and end up not feeling supported.

Like GM has said "ask him why he doesnt wanna hate someone you hate?" OK not quite hate but you know if you really explained how you need him to be that listening person and someone to vent with then he might not try and play devils advocate so much. Either that or hes too scared incase he says something nasty about yoru mother and you take offence to it because at teh end of the day she is still your blood. God knows I bitch and moan about my circumstances but the minute someone else says somethign horrible - watch out! So your partner may feel he doesnt want to step on anyones toes or cross boundaries too much and just stay neutral.

Its probably hard to see it noq but later on in life you will be thankful that your partner was so good about things.

Hi Fedup, Here I am again with another book!! And I know they're not for everyone.

'Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

It has a question and answer format - which I found very helpful when I was trying to get my head round why I was so depressed - how I became this way - what my family had to do with it - and how to untangle myself from the 'games' they played.

I do think it's very hard for someone who is not from a seriously dysfunctional family to understand the anger you may feel. Control is also a major problem with dysfunctional families. And we can get attached to controlling people in our life too. (Even if we don't want to!)

Might be worth getting a copy of the book - and could be helpful to your partner if you share some of it with him - so he knows where you're coming from.

Daze

thanks, i dont want him to hate her, i just dont want to be told i cant do this, cant do that, cant say this and that, i just want to be able to say something or feel a certain way and it just be OK :-)

Which is control ....?